Letting Go of My Desire to Control
Every day, I find myself trying to control how much I withhold my desire to control. Believe me, the irony doesn’t escape me.
What brought me to the sudden realization that I’m a control freak? Transference. The formal definition of transference is a way of responding to situations in the present by drawing on patterns of behavior formed in childhood.
In laymen’s terms, it means transferring feelings from one situation, or person, to another. A good example of this is when we don’t like something about ourselves, we often transfer the feelings of dislike to others who exhibit our same behavior.
Pondering why I surround myself with so many control freaks, and insisting it was them and not me, I called my therapist. She started posing challenging questions, beginning with how do I feel when others try to control me? There was no escaping her. Somehow, I knew this went back to my childhood. A place I’ve spent years working to accept, and I really don’t like to revisit. But revisit we did, until I understood my deep-seated need to control.
A Control Freak is Often Escaping Fear of the Unknown
From the outside, my family was as typical as it gets. But on the inside, we had a complicated household best described as unwanted surprises and walking on eggshells. Anger filled the air like smoke from a fire, drifting in, then blowing out. We never really knew when, or for how long it would linger.
Over time, being a control freak equated to survival. But it took an epiphany to see how trying to avoid the discomfort of the unknown was making me miserable. And probably annoying others around me, too.
What is Control Really About?
It typically boils down to fear. Fear of not knowing how someone will respond or react to a situation at any given moment. Or fear of not knowing if you’ll have lunch money… if you feel safe… if you belong, etc.
Abraham Maslow teaches us through his infamous Hierarchy of Needs, that to be fully happy, our basic needs must be met first. Simple, right? Not so much. It starts with physiological needs, then safety, then belonging. When all of these aren’t met, fear slips in.
All of these fears are a natural part of growing up to some degree. In some cases, they serve to protect us and make us resilient. But when fear tips the scale of what’s normal, we blossom into the controlling adults that we are today.
Six Signs That You May Be a Control Freak
- You’d rather do everything yourself than delegate.
- You’re a perfectionist.
- You have extremely high standards for yourself – and others.
- You can be hypercritical of yourself – and others.
- You’re the Grande Dame of unsolicited advice.
- You tell people what they should do – often in an awkward, playful way (only you aren’t kidding).
Being Aware of Controlling Tendencies
Once I became aware that I was every bit as controlling as the people around me, I set my sights on self-awareness. After all, it’s okay to control certain situations, yet so much of what I say without thinking is often unnecessary and pretty controlling.
For example:
“Don’t go that way… this way is shorter.”
“You can’t go barefoot… what about your feet?”
“Take these leftovers…no seriously – take them!”
“That doesn’t look like my signature… let me do it again.”
“That color looks great on you… you should wear it more often.”
“I’ve got to go back and get my phone… I’ll just be a few minutes late.”
All of these actions suggest a need for control in one way or another.
In my opinion, being late is the most selfish act of control, and boy have I been guilty. When I don’t want to meet with someone I take control by arriving late. Two minutes, ten minutes; It’s not about the time. It’s about something I’m not ready to face. An honest conversation? Feeling vulnerable or insecure? Like many, it’s a subconscious act. The worst part is that by being late, I’m actually being downright rude. And I’m not alone in this. Have you ever Googled: “Why Being Late is Rude?”
Naturally, this is an ongoing process. And now when I see myself dragging behind schedule, I ask myself what’s the unknown that I’m so uncomfortable with? And then… I face it head-on.
FIVE STEPS TO LETTING GO OF CONTROL
1. GAIN AWARENESS
When you like someone but something about them gets under your skin, ask yourself: Do they have any qualities or characteristics that remind me of my own behaviors that I don’t like? Do they have behaviors that remind me of someone in my past? If necessary, ask a friend for input.
If you have a habit of being late, tackle this in a couple of ways. Ask yourself why you don’t want to meet with them. Tardiness is about avoidance. It’s a giant red flag that something needs to be addressed. Your new-found awareness should keep you on time.
Create some stakes for being late. Pick up the tab every time you’re late, and you’ll see how fast picking up the tab ads up. If you prefer a more positive approach, reward yourself for being early ten times in a row. Then keep increasing it by ten more times.
2. EMBRACE IMPERFECTION
Stop beating yourself up. In fact, stop beating others up, too. Embracing imperfection creates the space to allow more people in, instead of pushing them out. Realizing that life goes on when we’re not perfect allows us to open up to new possibilities and solutions. It might also give someone else the chance to save the day or let their light shine. It’s not always about you!
3. MEDITATE, PRAY, RELAX
Great news for my fellow control freaks. The mindfulness movement is real! I recently read a book called Altered Traits, How Meditation Changes Your Mind, Brain and Body. Authors Daniel Goleman and Richard Danielson explain how the mind can actually change the brain through meditation. Yes, mindfulness is an excellent way to release the desire to control.
4. SHIFT YOUR MINDSET
Control your thoughts, instead of others. Once you’re aware of your own thoughts and comments, you can capture them and redirect them to a place of open-mindedness and calm. Dr. Lissa Rankin explains in her book, The Fear Cure, Cultivating Courage as Medicine for the Mind, Body & Soul, that we all have a “small-self” inside where fear still lives. I love this quote from her book:
“It’s important to be gentle with your Small Self as it tries to impose its inherited rules and false fears. This part of your psyche needs your compassion too. Rejection only makes your Small Self act up. Instead, offer love.
5. FORGIVE YOURSELF
Once you’ve identified that you’re a control freak, if you’re like me, you might beat yourself up at the realization that your need to control is annoying the people you love. This is a very typical response so stop the negative self-talk and praise yourself for identifying the emotions that are driving your need to control.
Secondly, In his five steps to stop being controlling, Dr. Oz suggests, one of the big ones is practicing compassion and self-acceptance. In my words: forgive yourself. Control is a natural part of life. We all do it to some degree. I’ve forgiven myself for trying to control the people I love instead of doing the hard work of figuring out what emotions I’m stuffing. I hope that you’ll forgive yourself, too.
Start Small and Celebrate Your New-Found Self Awareness
Allowing things to happen organically usually results in smoother processes and more positive results for everyone. Trusting myself to let go of fear and the unknown – no matter what happens, opens me and everyone else up to greater possibilities, more joy, more freedom, and deeper connections.
Like so many things in life, I often want fast results. but I’ve been doing this control thing for a long time, I know better than to expect an overnight miracle. Each day, I try letting go of something, and then I celebrate. I ask good friends to help keep me on track. And I thank them when they do.
From one recovering control freak to another, I can tell you: you’ve got this!