by Margaret Dawson | Jan 13, 2024 | True To Yourself
I found myself stuck in a state of emptiness
I am numb.
I am not feeling unhappy, but I’m not feeling joyous either. It isn’t a sad emotion. In fact, I can’t cry. I’ve tried. I think a really good cry, where I sob until my body shakes, would help. It can be cleansing, and a complete emotional cleanse is exactly what I need.
But right now, I am feeling nothing, really. Like when your foot goes numb, and you have to pound it on the floor until the blood flows again. I wonder what the equivalent of that would be to unnumb your mind, soul, and heart. Would an electric shock to my heart make it feel again?
I am sitting at my desk, staring at my computer screen. I take a moment to assess my life to see if there is any reason for my apathy. In doing so, I’m reminded of a conversation I had with my brother-in-law a few years ago, when I asked him the secret to being married for so long.
“Apathy,” he said.
“Truly that can’t be the answer,” I said and thought at the time. He shrugged. Maybe he was joking, but maybe he was right. Perhaps the key to living a long life and staying in a job or a marriage is pure indifference.
I am not wired for numbness. It’s why I’ve never liked weed or any drug that numbs your mind. My whole life people have asked me why I am so passionate, energetic, or driven. How can this person who snorts when she laughs, talks too much, and loves babies and puppies now exist in a state of numbness? Speaking of which, when was the last time I snorted, I wonder?
I thought the world was making me unhappy
It’s easy to blame Covid and the last few years of everyone being isolated and remote. It’s easy to think I have no right to feel this way, since I have a loving family, a good job, a beautiful home, and my health. But I do. I blame everything.
I don’t think I’m depressed. I am just lacking joy. My light is not shining. I believe I’ve lost my true purpose in life.
As an empath, I’ve spent my life wishing I could put up a shield to protect me from other people’s emotions and energy. Without even realizing it, I did it. However, in shielding myself from everyone else’s essence, I’ve lost my own. Or perhaps I’ve given in to the gravitational force of negative energy and lost the balance with my own positive energy.
Regardless of why, I am not in balance. As with the universe itself, to exist in an optimal state we need fundamental interaction, physical contact, and energy from other forms of matter and life. While this symbiosis can be painful, it is necessary to thrive and to feel both joy and sadness.
I’m sure I am not alone in feeling this way. Have you ever felt numb, like you’re surviving but not thriving?
If yes, then let’s take this journey together to re-spark our inner light, so we can start shining it again for ourselves and the world. I have been on this journey before. Why it took me so long to recognize the need to do the work I can’t say. But at least I can share this with you, and hopefully, you can hold me accountable.
Here’s the path I am taking.
Choosing Joy with 6 Happiness Habits
1. Admit we are not our best selves
In thinking back to when this started, it’s easy to identify the external circumstances that I thought “made” me feel this way. I was dealing with a lot of stress at work, we were isolated from Covid, we had major family issues and a health situation, and we were dealing with daily fire drills with our family businesses. But in truth, none of these environmental influences made me shut down. I allowed it to happen.
Many years ago, I discovered and defined my personal “why”; the reason I am in this universe. I am here to both shine my authentic light and also help others through coaching and mentoring to discover and shine their true light.
Oh, the irony: the shiner of light has gone dark.
The first step is making the conscious, intentional decision to break free; to not be okay with living life in a dimmed, disinterested state.
We have to be honest with ourselves and admit we are out of whack. Isn’t this always the first thing to attack? One day, I took that first step.
“My life has become unmanageable, and I feel powerless over the way I feel. I want to take my life back.” I told myself and the universe.
Sure, I bastardized the first step in AA, but it worked.
I have the power to change this. Right now.
2. Get Help from a Professional
With this self-realization, I knew I needed help, as it was clear I could not just “knock myself out of it.” I am a true believer in therapy, as with the right guide, you can overcome nearly any trauma or situation. Our brains are so powerful, and I need someone trained in this power to help me move forward or overcome a specific issue.
Before I lost my courage, I browsed onto Psychology Today and started searching for a new therapist. My former one retired, and I’ve tried a couple but never felt they fit. I need someone to challenge me, push me, and give me work to do. I don’t need an overly nice person just to agree with me.
Channeling my doctor daughter, I narrowed down my search to PhDs, Psychiatrists, especially DOs, or other well-educated therapists. As my daughter told me during her own search, “I want someone smarter than me who thinks about humans holistically, not just symptomatically.”
One bio stopped me. It is a woman doctor with an office near me, born in Germany, with a MD, PhD, Mental Health Counseling license, and intensive training in family systems therapy. Based in the U.S. now, but she is a global citizen, well educated, and also interested in spirituality. These all fit my criteria. Beyond my checklist, I am just convinced this is my person. I will call her Dr. P. Within five minutes of reading her bio, I emailed her.
In her response, she told me she was no longer taking patients in person, but only virtually, as she was living in Bali for a year. That only made me want to work with her more, as I figured a little Asian culture and spirituality would be good for my soul.
After one meeting, I knew my gut was correct, as she is amazing.
“Okay, here’s what I want you to do over the next week,” Dr. P states matter-of-factly, as we wrap up our one-hour session.
“I want you to meditate, be aware, and write down where you want to focus your energy. Make that list. Where do you want to focus your energy? How do you get back to doing the things you love? How do you surround yourself with people that give and don’t take your energy?”
“Also, I want you to visualize the best possible outcome for the issue we were talking about. What’s the best way this can be resolved for you and for everyone involved?”
This is a lot, and I’m scratching all this down in my notebook so I can process it later. She must have seen me hesitating.
“Tell me something you haven’t done for a long time that you love and that brings you joy,” she asks.
“Writing,” I say immediately. I used to write all the time, and now I just freeze when I think about writing. And girlfriends. I almost never see my girlfriends, and they are my source of inspiration and community.
“Good,” she says. “Then write something. And call your girlfriends.”
Of course. It sounds so simple. However, I know I’ve had the power to do those things all along and haven’t. Will I do it now that she has made it part of our work together?
3. Do something you LOVE
Amazingly, I do. Two days after our session, I am staring at a blank document on my computer screen ready to write a blog. This blog. Only, I had no idea what I was going to write about.
I look through my previous blogs for inspiration. It’s like reading the words of a stranger. Did I really write all that? The most recent ones date back to 2020. Three years of not sharing my voice with the world. Three years of playing it safe.
I then found drafts of blogs in my online folder and am amazed at all the ideas I’ve had in the past that never made it to the publishing table.
I take a deep breath and give myself permission to just let go. And then, as if my mind is operating on its own, without my permission, my fingers start typing the words, “I am numb.”
With those simple three words, something releases inside me, and my fingers are flying on the keyboard for a couple of minutes. I realize I’ve stopped breathing, and I suddenly gasp for breath and stop typing.
I’ve done it. I’ve started a new blog.
With this step forward, I make a list of what else I need to do while I am feeling my energy vibrating around me, like a bee buzzing around a flower ready to take in the essence of life.
My list includes finishing this blog, picking back up the book I started to write in 2019 and have done nothing since, and getting my personal strength back.
Immediately, I Google searched for gyms near us like the one we went to in Seattle years ago. There are many, and I read through each one: what’s their mission, their philosophy, their style, and their workouts. I find one that combines strength, balance, cardio, and health – that’s it! A mix of CrossFit and HIIT (High Intensity Interval Training).
I made an appointment to do a free trial. (I have now gone four times, and my body is both sore and soaring with energy!)
4. Be intentional in choosing joy
We can all make a list of things we love to do, and even start checking them off. This will help. It will give you renewed energy, just like it did for me. But that’s not all we need to do to maintain a state of happiness.
We must choose joy every single day. Many of you know of my love of daily mantras and using them in my meditation and as a daily reminder.
I start every meditation and prayer with gratitude. Thanking God and the universe for the abundance that I have. It’s hard to feel sad or numb when you are reminded of all the universe has provided.
Dig deep. When you are feeling numb, it’s hard to be thankful or even find why we are grateful. Start small. Be grateful for the people you love, or your pets, or your comfy sweatshirt you’re wearing at that moment. I found at first I had lost my ability to see abundance, but once I started each morning with gratitude, I soon found more than I could list in my thankfulness.
I pray for those who don’t have abundance or who need support: that close friend still looking for a job; my son who is unsure of his next step; a world at war.
My mother always told me, “if you want to stop feeling sorry for yourself, focus on helping others who have less than you.” She is right. Plus, I believe in the power of prayer and sending positive energy to others. It works.
Then, I ask the universe for help. Help me choose joy and appreciate all I have. Help me shine my light on others. Use me to make the world a better place.
Finally, I focus on my mantra. I am joyful. I am choosing joy.
5. Believe in your soul’s purpose
“I have lost my purpose,” my beautiful mentee says when I ask her how she’s doing. “I just feel lost,” she adds.
It’s like looking in a mirror, as she is only a few weeks behind me in feeling this way. I was there, and now I am not. In doing the work, I realized my purpose was never in question, because it has not changed. I share this with her.
“My purpose, and your purpose, is to be YOU,” I remind her.
“There is only one you in this life’s journey, and you are on this planet at this time to bring the unique talents and abilities you have. You are enough!”
Then, I tell her about my current happiness journey, and the work I’ve been doing.
I realize for many of us this feeling is cyclical. Every five years or so we lose our way for a bit. The outside world, and all the input and feedback we absorb every day, along with our own inner critic, overwhelm us, and we shut down. We stop feeling much of anything, because it is safer than feeling everything.
If you haven’t done it before, now is the perfect time to write down your purpose, or what I think of as your “why.” What is uniquely yours? When you are living your why, you are living the best version of yourself. It doesn’t matter what job you have, or how much money you make, or how many things you own.
6. Activate your community
To be honest, I am still working on this. I have reconnected with several friends, and I made a huge decision to buy a second house in a city, as the isolation of living only on the coast contributed to my morose. This has helped.
Being five to ten minutes away from gyms, good grocery stores, nail salons, coffee shops, and restaurants feeds my need for human interaction and helps me live healthier. While I enjoy my alone time, I do need to talk to and connect with strangers – sharing a smile and conversation.
Working out at a gym is also part of my community. I love the support, high fives, and just adrenalin from a group of people all focused on being stronger, faster, and more balanced. Even though I’m not a social gym rat, and in fact, I’ve been accused of being anti-social when working out, I do like the support of the community at my gym.
Now, I need to do more to meet and connect with my girlfriends. I think about these women all the time. It’s hard to ask for help. I don’t know why, but during my darkest times, when I really need my girlfriends, I go into my hole and don’t reach out. I’m working on it.
If you are reading this and need someone to reach out to, you can find me on LinkedIn. Let’s go through this together and build community.
Happiness is a Choice not a Consequence
The universe often delivers messages to me right when I need them. As I’m working on choosing joy every day and intentionally meditating on happiness and gratitude, a podcast comes up on Spotify I’ve never heard of: Spiritually Hungry with Monica and Michael Berg .
The episode is called: The art of Finding Joy: 6 Ways to Live Happier. Wow. Thank you, Universe, for delivering this gift.
“Happiness is not an effect of external stimuli. It is an effect of internal being. And then the internal state we are in is completely dependent on our actions and behaviors,” Michael Berg says as the podcast opens.
Boom! This is revolutionary to me. Like most of us, I’ve been looking to the world, people, jobs, lovers, and events to bring me happiness. To make me joyful. All along, the ability to create joy existed within me.
Just like we should not need external validation to feel smart or beautiful or good enough, neither do we need outside influence to make us feel happy. We are good enough just as we are. Joy manifests when we choose joy for ourselves.
Of course, in choosing joy we will surely have a ripple effect on the world. Our positive energy will reach out and help others potentially start to feel that joy is possible.
Read these words out loud right now: “I am joyously grateful.”
We can do this.
by Margaret Dawson | Jul 4, 2021 | True To Yourself
Learning to appreciate self love affirmations
I am good enough
The words stare back at me from the sticky note stuck on my computer monitor. They are mocking me rather than motivating me as this latest self-affirming mantra is supposed to do. But then, it doesn’t work if I don’t actually say the mantra over and over again. So, I say it out loud, speaking slowly and deliberately.
“I. AM. GOOD. ENOUGH.”
I roll my eyes – both at the sound of my own voice, and because I feel nothing. Nothing. No sparks. No magic. However, it’s always like this when I start a new mantra. That’s the whole point. If I believed it, then I wouldn’t need to push myself to shift my mindset.
Part of my struggle this time is that this is not the first time I’ve used this mantra, and I’m ashamed to be at this point again. In fact, this was the very first mantra I used in my 20’s when I began a journey that turned into many years of therapy to build my sense of self and self esteem. That was 30 years ago. Why am I back here, requiring a reboot of the most basic of my self love affirmations?
Sometimes we need to be reminded of our self worth
I know the answer before I ask the question. New job, or jobs, really, where my experience and love of cloud computing, IT architecture, or digital transformation don’t really matter anymore. In one role, I am having to dig deep inside to find new levels of empathy, compassion and patience. For the other role, I have to lean heavily on my structure and process skills more than ever before.
I tell myself that I have always taken on new challenges and stretched myself. That’s why I have a reputation for being a fixer and a builder and someone who is willing to take risks and drive change.
However, 13-year-old Margi is never far away from adult Margaret, reminding me that once again I’m the new kid in school and too tall, ugly and smart to ever be popular.
Is that what I want – popularity?
No, it’s not that. What I need is to get grounded again in self. I know who I am and what I stand for. I am good enough, regardless if people like me or not.
Nothing like a self pep talk to start the day.
I leave my desk and walk to the bathroom. Looking in the mirror, I see the same mantra on a sticky note there. This time I say it while looking at myself in the mirror.
“I am good enough.”
Louder.
“I am good enough!”
Okay, better.
The benefit of self love affirmations
Mantras like this have become part of my life. A way for me to move myself from a negative place to a positive one or to move me further or faster down a self-realizing path.
I don’t just recommend self affirming mantras for myself. Nearly every single person I mentor receives this advice as well. Few people who have worked with me have escaped the sticky note exercise.
Sadly, many times the mantra I recommend my mentees start with is this same one I did: I am good enough.
So many smart, talented, successful people suffer from imposter syndrome or are not fully grounded in who they are.
Mantras and other forms of self-affirmation or self-love do not solve it all. I highly recommend combining affirmations with other hard work facilitated by a trained counselor or therapist. If the trauma or negative cycles are deep, this can take years of work (which is also worth it by the way).
However, affirmations do work when you need to focus on a singular shift in how you are thinking about yourself. An affirmation can work because it has the ability to program your mind into believing the stated concept, explains Dr. Ronald Alexander, director of the OpenMind Training Institute.
In fact, research has shown that repeating positive statements about yourself can help you challenge a negative belief or myth about yourself or help you overcome an immediate challenge. For example, research done by scientists in 2016 showed that certain neural pathways are increased when people practice self-affirmation tasks. Other data suggests that daily self affirmations can lower stress, increase performance and provide stronger protection from external negative influence.
When should I use a self-affirming mantra?
I create a new self-affirming mantra every Sunday night or Monday morning. I do this at the same time I create my hot list for the day or the week.
Sometimes, I keep the same mantra for several weeks at a time. Typically, this is when I have a big challenge to overcome or I am really feeling ungrounded.
The times when you might find a self love mantra helpful are when you:
- Need a confidence boost before a big event, presentation or meeting
- Need to control negative feelings or reactions, like frustration or anger
- Don’t feel qualified or competent
- Lack self-confidence
- Are stuck and can’t finish something
- Want to make a concrete change in your life
- Feel impatient with yourself or others
- Want to take on a new challenge or adventure
- Need to overcome a bad habit
However, as I said, I think it’s helpful to always have an affirmation in your head and on your sticky notes! It’s like daily validation or daily prayer. As with any habit, the more you do it, the more it sticks.
6 Tips for creating and using self affirmations
As with any exercise or new habit, be kind to yourself as you create and practice your self love affirmations. Don’t overthink it or try to solve all of your problems at once.
Here are a few tips to remember:
- Say it at least 10 times a day
- Say them OUT LOUD
- There is something powerful that happens with our brain’s wiring when we both see and hear a statement.
- Keep them simple
- A few words and a simple sentence. Not a paragraph. Why? If you make your affirmation so long or complicated, your brain will not be able to absorb the message.
- One mantra at a time
- Part of keeping it simple is focusing on one affirmation or positive change at a time. Just like you can’t clean multiple rooms of your house at the same time, you can’t try to change too many things at once. As in any great experiment, keep the variables controlled so you can really know what drove the results. In this case, one variable, one change at a time.
- Use first person: “I” not “you”
- Many people when we first discuss creating a mantra, want to use the word “you” instead of “I”. The problem is you are not trying to affirm someone else but rather yourself. Therefore, it has to be in the first person.
- Put them everywhere – on your fridge, your bathroom window, your computer monitor, your bedside table, your car dashboard, or anywhere you often go or walk past.
- For example, one period when I was trying not to drink as much wine, I put my mantra on my wine cabinet. It kept me from pulling a bottle of wine out of the cabinet.
What are some good mantras to use?
To give you some examples or maybe one for you to start with, here are a few other affirmations I have used or coached others to use.
I am successful
I can do this
I am blessed
I am courageous
I am free from alcohol
I am a good mom
I am patient and calm
I am worth it
Anything will work. Write a statement that reflects what you need to tell yourself. Where do you need a boost or a shift?
Don’t judge yourself. Just write one down on a sticky note (or ten sticky notes) and put them around the house.
If your significant other, children, friends or parents wonder what is going on with all the sticky notes, just tell them the truth. I am working on myself, and this is something I need to start believing about myself.
Maybe they will create their own self love affirmation! Just make sure they use a different color sticky note.
by Margaret Dawson | May 23, 2021 | Parenting With Transparency
In a recent blog post, I wrote about our family’s experience with mental illness and addiction. I received such an overwhelming amount of love, questions, and empathy from that post that I realized there are many of us coping with a family member’s mental illness or addiction.
Importantly, this taught me that none of us is alone on this journey. Secondly, I realized we need to talk about this more and share with each other what we are learning and how we are coping.
Let me preface by stating that I am not an expert. However, I continue to learn every day how to take care of myself and my family amid these diseases.
At times, I fall into depression myself, wondering how long we can manage or lamenting how unfair it is that our child has to deal with this. However, I work hard to not focus on the injustice of the situation, and, instead, keep my mind and thoughts positive and looking forward.
Below, I share seven strategies that help me, and I hope they help you or someone you know.
7 Tips for Coping with a Loved One’s Mental Illness or Addiction
1. Ask for help
Don’t go on this path alone. There are amazing people and resources out there. My husband and I did our best being parents, therapists, psychologists, nutritionists, and protectors all at the same time. However, it takes mental health professionals who have both the experience and nothing at risk or at stake to help bring out the light that is buried in someone who is sick with addiction or mental illness.
Through my research, I found an amazing place, specializing in dual diagnosis, that my son loved. Use the resources available to you to get help, and ask others for recommendations. Help is not only for your family member, but for you, as well, as it’s easy for your own mental and physical health to suffer in trying to care for someone else.
2. Take care of yourself
It’s easy to focus only on the person who is ill or troubled and not keep yourself healthy. But, you can’t lose yourself in the process of trying to keep your loved one alive or healthy. This is probably my greatest challenge, and I think many parents struggle with this in the best of circumstances. However, do not put yourself last.
Your loved one is probably going to be stuck in a cycle negative thinking. Therefore, you will have to really focus on maintaining your positive attitude. I found meditation, long walks, deep breathing, and exercise in general every day helped me stay grounded. The days I found myself feeling angry, a run on the treadmill with loud music brought me back to a healthy place.
In other posts, I talk about personal mantras and how I’ve used them most of my life – through good times and bad. Perhaps, having a simple mantra you say to yourself throughout the day might help. During the worst times, my mantra was “I am a good parent,” or “I am calm and compassionate.” I had sticky notes posted throughout the house for both of us during the months our son was living with us.
3. Talk to Others
I was so afraid to say anything to anyone. Part of the stigma around mental illness and addiction is the shame and fear surrounding the people involved. I carried this shame and exhaustion with me every day into work, but told no one.
However, at some point, I broke down and talked to a colleague. The support I received from people I barely knew or only knew in a work context saved me. Each person I talked to was so ready to share their hearts, experiences, and time. I now do the same for others. Sometimes, you can just tell when someone needs to talk.
Have one or more people who are your lifeline, meaning you can call or text them at any time. Someone is always willing to be that person for you, because they have been where you are.
4. Trust your gut (or your “spidey sense”)
We joke about this now, but I seem to always have a sense when something is wrong with any of our children, but especially with this child. Many times over the past couple of years, I just had a “feeling” something was wrong or I wasn’t hearing the whole truth. Every time, my gut is right.
Don’t feel bad for having these thoughts or instincts. Believe in them and in yourself. You may just save someone’s life.
5. You can’t do it for them (they have to want help)
This is the hardest. If the other person is not ready to be helped, there is little you can do. You can only love them. However, watching them spiral is terrifying, and I have never been good at allowing myself to feel helpless. However, that’s exactly how I felt and often feel.
If the person is under 18, you can take charge of the situation a bit more. But, even then, mental illness and addiction can make the sweetest child fight against your love and help. If the family member is over 18, they have to want to engage with therapy, a psychiatrist, or other professional.
Your focus needs to be on keeping them (and your family) safe. That might mean micromanaging their lives a bit, like taking away car keys, which they will hate. However, I felt (and often still feel) like we are fighting for someone’s life every single moment of every day. Even if your child doesn’t want help, try to get them into therapy or to some place where they are safe and getting treatment. However, be prepared for it not to work if they are not ready to be helped.
6. Know when to let go
Per the fifth tip above, there is only so much we can do if the person with the disease does not want to get better. As painful as this sounds, sometimes nothing we do matters. Because only the person who has the addiction or mental illness can make the change.
During this period in our journey, a colleague recommended the book, “Letting Go with Love.” There may be a point where you just can’t keep enabling or saving your loved one.
I will admit I am still not good at this. It is hard for me to give up or take a chance that if I stop doing something, I will lose him. Accordingly, some people think we are still over enabling our son. I just am not ready for the potential consequences if we don’t. Hopefully soon I will be able to fully let go.
7. Believe people can change
This is powerful, and a lesson I’ve learned beyond this situation.
We are often taught that a person can never change. But that is just not true. I’ve seen people decide to become better people or healthier or happier – even fundamentally changing their core values.
Believe that the situation you are in can be different. And, of course, forgive. Forgive yourself and your loved one.
Mental health is a lifelong journey
Perhaps the greatest challenge is realizing that there isn’t a magical cure to diseases such as addiction or mental illness. However, I recently heard a great quote that stuck with me and put addiction in perspective.
“Addiction is focusing on one thing and giving up everything else, while sobriety is focusing on everything and giving up just one thing.”
If we flip how we think about this, it doesn’t sound so daunting. In fact, giving up one habit in order to live a full, healthy life and overcome this disease feels achievable.
I wish all the best to you and your family. If you have tips for others going through this that have helped you, please provide them in the comments.
by Margaret Dawson | Jan 9, 2021 | Intentional Leadership
Setting our development goals for the year
Like so many of you at the start of the new year, I am focused on my personal and leadership development goals.
However, my journey to identify key areas to focus on started before any new year’s resolutions. A few months ago, I found myself needing to regroup in how I was working with others.
While patience and moving slowly have never been my strong points, these and other issues worsened over the past year. I was not showing up as my best self or letting my true light shine. In fact, I found myself often feeling angry, frustrated, and tired.
As my coach put it so nicely. “There are no issues with WHAT you do. You are competent at what you are doing and continue to learn every day. What we need to focus on is HOW you get work done.”
In most performance or leadership development plans, we too often focus on the what. What are our revenue goals, our product plans, and our core marketing initiatives.
Often, we need to focus instead on how we are working with others. Of course, this is harder to measure and doesn’t look as good in a Tableau dashboard. However, it is just as vital as a key performance indicator. It is also harder, as it takes a great deal of self-awareness and humility.
In the spirit of transparency, and to hold myself accountable, I am sharing my development priorities and goals with you.
Really listening to leadership development feedback
The first discussion of a potential need to refocus on my “how” came from our executive consultants at Egon Zehnder. As part of their work, the consultants interviewed many people across the company who currently work with me or have done so in the past: my peers, other colleagues, and senior leaders.
From these interviews, they aggregated the most common terms and words people used to describe me and my leadership. As expected, these fell into two buckets: positive descriptions and opportunities for growth.
I am naturally an optimist and glass half full person, so let’s start with the positive.
Positive descriptions include the following:
- Inspiring
- Action-focused
- Accountable
- Impactful
- Passionate
- Galvanizing
- Change Agent
- Customer focused
- High energy
- Smart
This is fairly consistent with the feedback I’ve received throughout my career, and I would say aligns with my own goals.
Focusing on critical leadership development areas
Of course, there is the other side of the coin that rose just as strongly.
Input that outlined my key development areas includes:
- Impatient
- Moves too fast
- Goes it alone
- Forgets to collaborate
- Doesn’t always listen
- Galvanizing (I think this word goes in both places -as this can be good, or bad)
- Aggressive
My first response to this is: Ouch.
However, to be honest, none of this surprises me. My entire life, professionally and personally, I received feedback around needing to slow down, be more patient, and let others catch up.
Listening, while something I can do well, and which I constantly remind myself to focus on, remains a challenge. My brain fires on all cylinders.
Therefore, it was time for some hard self talk. At this stage of my life and career I really do need to listen to this coaching. I must focus on how I interact with others and how I get things done.
Most importantly, using my own vernacular, is I need to make sure my true, positive light is always shining on others.
In my opinion, the key is improving my How without losing my edge, so to speak. My authenticity, energy, and passion enables me to drive impact. Achieving impact is what gives me life. However, I must absolutely be able to have an impact with any negative aftershocks.
What is your leadership brand?
Here is what I wrote as the leadership brand I want to achieve, combining the current positive and the aspirational improvements to the challenge areas. This maintains the current positive aspects of my brand and incorporates changes noted in the areas for improvement.
Margaret is an inspiring, smart leader who champions customers, associates, and initiatives to create greater success for teams and the company. Margaret is a courageous, collaborative, and compassionate leader who listens to understand and holds everyone accountable for behaviors and outcomes.
What is your desired leadership brand? And what would you say it is today?
The How builds on your personal Why
Over the past few years, I have done a lot of work on my Why. You can think of your Why as your purpose for being.
In the book Start with Why, Simon Sinek explains why organizations need to understand and declare their Why. He defines the Why as the very reason an organization exists.
However, I also love using his model on a personal level.
My Why is:
To inspire and empower others to realize their full potential and shine their true light!
I work hard to live my Why through coaching, mentoring, and championing new ideas. Also, I think my Why shines when I work to help customers and partners be more successful, and through my sponsorship of diversity and inclusion initiatives both within and outside of my company.
In crafting my Why Statement, I leaned on my core values, which I worked on a few years previously.
I find both of these exercises amazingly helpful in ensuring you stay grounded in who you are at all times. In addition to organizations, I believe leaders need to establish a clear Why.
Creating a leadership development mission statement
Drawing from the work I did around my Why, and incorporating input from others, I decided to create a mission statement.
Appropriately, this mission statement speaks to my How.
Margaret will be the inspiring leader and change agent the company needs her to be, using the power of her authentic style, while minimizing the side effects of that power, and bringing everyone along on the journey.
Further, I outlined how I will achieve that mission by doing more of the following:
- Listening with intention
- Holding the space for others to do their own thinking & processing
- Asking out of curiosity
- Transparency of information
- Maintaining an “open door” to anyone who wants to meet with me
- Championing new ideas or plans
- Taking time to understand the complete picture
- Bringing all teams to the table early
Doing more of the good versus less of the bad
My coach presented this great idea of focusing on doing more of a behavior described as good rather than doing less of a bad behavior.
Often, we will emphasize what we need to do less, such as stop talking so much or not being negative. However, you can take those same concepts and flip them into positive “more” statements. For example, I will listen more. Or, I will take an optimistic approach.
While simple, this switch from less to more is a revelation to me. It is absolutely a “bit flip” for my brain, making all the development work feel positive rather than punitive.
In fact, I’ve started using this in my own coaching and mentoring. It’s a powerful practice.
The Four C’s of my new brand
Since I am a marketer, I always look for ways to simplify a message or story. One of my favorite things to do is to turn multiple words or sentences into an acrostic to make them easier to remember. Or, I will use the same first letter of each main word as repetition also helps with memory.
Therefore, in thinking about my leadership brand, I came up with my four C’s.
They are:
Compassionate
Courageous
Collaborative
Customer-centric
Based on the feedback, the one I need to work on the most is Collaborative.
6 Key leadership development priorities
From all of this I developed six key priorities for my personal and leadership development, all focused on how I do things.
- How I show up
- How I observe
- How I communicate
- How I get things done and make decisions
- How I develop and grow relationships
- How I empower greater diversity & inclusivity
As I am also a big fan of OKRs, I created a scorecard for these six priorities, with key actions and measures of success for each. Although for much of this, the data will be subjective, which means I will ask for input and honest evaluation from others to score myself.
Holding space for others to process
This concept of “space” is another area introduced by my coach that really resonated with me. I am able to analogize this to how I feel during meditation, when there is quiet space in my head. In those times, I do not feel the need to rush, speak, or move.
She explained the concept of holding space is a way for me to give others the time to figure out a solution or to process input. Oftentimes, when I receive input or a problem, I am quick to process and come up with multiple solutions. Or, when a question is posed, my brain is ready to answer in multiple ways.
However, when I just wait and let others process the input or question, another person will usually come to a solution or answer that is just as good. It may not be exactly my solution or addressed in the same way, but it still works.
This reminds me of one of my early management lessons. When an associate is working on a project, I learned to focus on a shared definition of success rather than worry about how that person might get to the end result.
This way, I give the person space and time to figure it out on their terms and to achieve the goal in their way. If they need help, they can ask for it, but my goal is still to help them solve it their own way, not mine.
In fact, this is always part of my coaching to new managers to help them learn how not to micromanage.
With my development plan, I need to translate this long-used management practice into every interaction.
My new leadership development mantra
I found a wonderful quote I leave you with that speaks to my geek brain and helps me visualize this key goal I have in my leadership development.
“Between stimulus and response there is a space.
In that space is our power to choose our response.
In our response, lies our growth and our freedom.”
Viktor Frankl
I wish you good luck with your 2021 leadership development goals. Would love to hear what you are focusing on this year.
by Margaret Dawson | Dec 25, 2020 | Favorite Recipes
My gluten free version of the Moosewood Cardamom Coffee Cake Recipe
One of my favorite cookbooks of all time is the Moosewood Cookbook by Mollie Katzen. My well worn, ripped copy introduced me to wonderful new baked goods and comfort food meals.
Before my gluten intolerance diagnosis, I loved making the Moosewood Cardamom Coffee Cake. It was moist, rich, and absolutely delicious. It took time to make and bake, so it was a labor of love always worth the rave reviews.
As with so many of my favorite recipes, I was determined to create a gluten free version of this perfect brunch coffee cake recipe. After several attempts that were all decent, I created the winning combination, in my opinion. I hope you will agree and enjoy this as much as we do.
I made several adjustments beyond gluten
As part of my adaptation of this coffee cake recipe, I cut the quantity in half. The original calls for a pound of butter and is baked in a large Bundt pan. With my adjusted ingredient levels, it works perfectly in a standard 9×9 baking pan.
Also, as I am apt to do, I made the recipe a bit easier to prepare. Finally, I updated the filling with granola and blueberries, and added the topping. I find nothing better than a crunchy, cinnamonny topping.
The one aspect that remained the same was its rich, savory flavor that is hard to resist. While I removed the gluten, I did not remove the calories or richness.
In other words: warning! This is not low fat. Even worse, it is hard to eat just one piece!
Enjoy this delicious coffee cake recipe
Prep time: About 15 minutes
Cook time: 1 to 1½ hours
Ingredients:
- 1 cup butter
- 1 cup coconut sugar
- 3 eggs
- 1 tsp vanilla extract
- 1 cup plain or vanilla Greek yogurt / or sour cream
- 1 cup blueberries
- 1½ cups almond flour
- ½ cup coconut flour
- ¼ cup white rice flour
- 1 tsp xanthan gum
- ¼ tsp salt
- 2 to 4 tsp cardamom (I use a LOT)
- 1 to 2 tsp cinnamon (again, love Cinnamon)
- 2 tsp baking powder
- ½ tsp baking soda
- 1 Tbsp lemon juice to activate soda
Filling & Topping
- ½ cup Coconut Sugar
- 1 tsp Cinnamon
- ¼ – ½ cup gluten free granola or nuts of your choice
Directions:
- Preheat oven to 350 degrees
- Spray or butter 9 x 9 glass baking pan
- In a small bowl, mix all the dry ingredients together, except the baking soda
- In another smaller bowl, mix together the Filling/Topping mixture
- Wash the blueberries in a colander and allow them to drain
- Using either a whisk or electric mixer, cream the butter and sugar together (I use a whisk)
- Add eggs one at a time, mixing after each egg
- Add the vanilla and mix
- Add the yogurt or sour cream and mix (on low if electric) until smooth.
- Slowly add the dry ingredients from your small bowl, whisking or mixing on low after each bit.
- Once all mixed, add the baking soda and pour the lemon juice over the baking soda and watch it bubble! (Okay, this is not necessary to activate the baking soda, but it’s fun to watch and I love seeing the activation!)
- Mix one more time to ensure all ingredients are blended.
- Fold in blueberries
- Pour ½ of the batter into your greased baking pan.
- Add the blueberries and ½ of the filling/topping mix
- Pour the remaining half of the batter on top. I use a thin spatula to gently spread the batter across the blueberry filling without disturbing it.
- Sprinkle the remaining topping mixture on top
- Put it in the oven on the middle rack.
Baking time
Bake for at least one hour. Total baking time will be anywhere from 1 hour to 1 hour and 25 minutes. Mine took 1 hour and 10 minutes the last time. The middle of the cake should not be squishy and the toothpick should come out clean. But don’t wait until it’s hard. Should still bounce back to touch.
Cool for 5 to 10 minutes.
Cut into squares and enjoy while still warm.
Eat alone or as part of a bigger brunch
I find it hard to wait for the rest of breakfast to start eating this coffee cake. Honestly, it’s perfect alone with a hot cup of coffee. Therefore, if you are preparing a proper brunch, I’d recommend you give yourself a taster piece while you are preparing the rest of the meal (goes beautifully with coffee or a mimosa). I love doing a big egg frittata or scramble with the coffee cake.
And the good news is I received a new copy of the Moosewood Cookbook 40th Anniversary Edition for Christmas this year!
by Margaret Dawson | Nov 26, 2020 | Parenting With Transparency
When your child doesn’t want to live
“Do you want to live today?” I ask my son, as he stands by the refrigerator.
I realize this is a strange question to ask your child, but this is our new normal. It has been for a few months now, since the residential rehab facility that helps people with mental illness and addiction closed down due to Covid19.
Of course, this wasn’t the first thing I asked him. The morning began with me saying “good morning.” However, something in the way he looked at me made my skin tingle with that mother’s sixth sense.
Each day I go to bed afraid to fall asleep in case something happens overnight, and I wake up each morning terrified I will find him sick or dead. This question is needed.
“I don’t think I do,” he says, in a calm, matter-of-fact way. Except I can see the pain behind his eyes. He is tired.
“Have you acted upon that feeling?” I ask, praying silently that the answer is no.
We have learned a whole new vocabulary these past few months as we deal with our son’s mental health and addiction. No accusations, no blame, no shame. I’m trying to get answers and be an ally. These suicide ideations or attempts have become a regular backdrop to our daily life. A bottle of vodka, enough beer to pass out, or anything he can consume or do in an extreme way with the goal of hurting himself or worse.
“No, not yet,” he says.
The stranglehold of Mental illness and addiction
Like that, my day changes. I can see my schedule in my head, and I push it aside.
“Why don’t you come on my beach walk with me and the dog,” I say. “Let’s just get outside and get some fresh air, and you can tell me whatever you want. Or, we can just be quiet together. Whatever you need.”
“Okay,” he says.
“We’ll leave in 5 minutes,” I say, trying not to betray the urgency in my voice that I feel to get this man out of the house and with me so I know he’s safe. Even if just for an hour.
While he gets ready, I text my assistant and ask her to cancel all my morning meetings. I tell her I’ll update her later regarding my afternoon schedule, depending on how things go. She knows what my message means.
My son talks the entire hour or so we walk along the beach and the road near our house. He talks about the voices in his head and how he doesn’t believe he is worthy of living. Also, he tries to explain how he is just so tired in general, and how he specifically is tired of not being good enough.
However, it’s not all serious. As we walk, we also laugh, mostly at the dog running through the waves. That laughter is a huge stress relief.
Parents will do anything to help their child
When we get back to the kitchen, the truth comes out.
“I lied earlier,” he says. “When you asked me if I acted upon my feelings, I told you no. But actually, I did.”
“Okay,” I say, flashing a million thoughts all at once, wondering what he did.
“I took everything left in the bottle of one of my anti-depressants,” he admits.
For a millisecond, time stops, as my brain tries to understand the level of danger without understanding anything about this drug or what the repercussions are.
Then we move into action.
“Let’s figure this out,” I say, calmly.
“Can you call your psychiatrist and find out what danger you are in while I go online and see what I can find out?”
He agrees.
Both the doctor and our research agreed that overdosing on antidepressants doesn’t typically kill you, but it can make you violently ill. We didn’t need to take him to the ER, thankfully, as with Covid, who knows what that would be like. However, the pills would make him horribly sick.
Our son started vomiting a few hours after our walk, and it continued throughout the day and most of the night. Finally, around 3am, we heard him snoring. A sign that he was finally sleeping.
Always be willing to start again at Day One
The next day we start over. Day one, again.
When he gets up, he is tired and weak from throwing up so much, but he is ready to start over.
Step one for this new beginning is getting back on all his medications with the right doses and schedule. Second step is clearing out his room and our entire house of every ounce of alcohol. He volunteers to also throw out all the junk food he’s been storing in his bedroom.
Over the course of the last 24 hours, I learned that for the past ten years, he did not live one day when he was both sober and on the right level of medication.
All the times he said he wasn’t drinking, he lied. When he said he was taking his meds, he wasn’t, or he took the wrong amount at the wrong time.
While he dutifully called his psychiatrist every couple of months, he lied to him, too, telling him he was fine. He refilled his prescriptions to only not take them at the right time or not take the right dose.
This reality hit me hard. My job was clear. Get him back to a baseline of sobriety, health and stability so the meds can do their job.
I thought we had been doing that for the past few months. But, no. Moving forward, I needed to pay much closer attention to everything.
Medications can also be suicidal weapons
One drug he liked to use as a weapon against himself is his anti-psychotic medicine. At 21, doctors diagnosed him with clinical depression with psychotic features. This looks a lot like mild paranoid schizophrenia.
Without his meds, he hears voices. Worst of all, the voices sound just like people he knows, and the voices always say horrible things about him.
Once, when he was working with another one of our sons, he told me his co-workers were saying mean things about him. I tried validating this with our other son, who responded with confusion and surprise. “No, mom, I’m positive that is not happening. Everyone likes him and makes comments about what a hard worker he is.”
While the voices are not real, they sound real. And he often thinks they are real. He cannot tell the difference. One of the worst voices, he tells me, is mine. That breaks my heart.
Maintaining mental health requires consistent medication
Together, we go through all his prescriptions and meds. He has an updated list from his doctor, who he spoke to again today.
We line up all the bottles.
He explains to me what each one is, while I read the detailed instructions and warnings. I take notes detailing when to take each one and how many pills. I then create a schedule to keep next to all the bottles in the kitchen cabinet.
Of course, there are missing pills. Not only the one he emptied yesterday, but a couple of others that he let the prescriptions run out. For others, there are three bottles of the same prescription.
We pick up new prescriptions for everything and begin a new routine.
Using one of those daily pill holders, I organize his supplements and his medications by morning and evening. All bottles, and these holders, will remain in the kitchen cabinet, which we now keep locked.
I hate this. But it is necessary.
Getting help from mental health experts
When talking to his therapist, who runs the residential rehab facility he was scheduled to attend pre-Covid, she asked him to take another medication: Antabuse. He is required to take it for 30 days before his session begins, which hopefully will now start in July.
This drug has been used to help alcoholics since the 1950’s in order to keep them from drinking. In fact, when taking Antabuse, even the slightest amount of alcohol consumption makes you very sick.
Considering the impact of this new drug, we take a shopping trip to the pharmacy to buy alcohol-free versions of all his toiletries. Everything seems to have alcohol in it: shaving cream, toothpaste, lotion, shampoo, etc. It reminds me of when I first went gluten free and learned how many food items contain wheat or flour.
Staying sober and healthy
For several weeks (I honestly don’t know how long it was), we all remain sober and healthy.
In the morning, I greet him and give him his meds and supplements, and then lock back up the cabinet. In the evening, the routine repeats itself.
We keep his car keys and his wallet. He does not leave the house without one of us.
After only a few days of this new routine, his eyes look different: whiter, healthier. He is more alert.
In July, the residential rehab facility was able to re-open, and he spent 28 days learning how to be the best version of himself.
I am so thankful for that place and the amazing people who founded it and and continue to work so hard to save lives and souls every single day.
I am also thankful to friends and colleagues who shared their stories with me, and allowed me to call them any time day or night if I didn’t know what to do. Or, if I just needed a compassionate ear. I could not have gotten through this without them.
The Mental health stigma and suicide rate
Through our experience, I learned how we are not alone. Far from it. In fact, millions of people and families face mental illness and addiction.
With the pandemic crisis, I cannot stop thinking about the people with mental health or addiction issues who do not have parents or family around them like our son does. People who are probably living on the streets, unable to have the financial or personal resources to stop using drugs or start taking medications.
The data is, frankly, depressing. More than 25% of adults in the United States suffer from a major mood disorder such as depression or anxiety. During Covid-19, experts estimate that number rose to over 40% of the population. At any one time, approximately 13% of adults are being treated for mental health problems.
Globally, mental illness is crippling families. The World Bank estimates that at least 10% of the world’s population suffers from some type of mental health issue, and 20% of the world’s children and adolescents suffer mental disorder.
Over 20 million people each month use substances in excess.
People with substance abuse disorders are six times more likely to commit suicide than those without, according to Mental Health America. The rate of completed suicide among people with alcohol or drug abuse problems is two to three times higher for men and six to nine times higher for women compared to those who do not have an addiction problem.
There is also a strong connection between homelessness, mental illness, and addiction. Reports suggest over 30% of homeless people battle mental illness, which often leads to drug and alcohol abuse.
What if we treated mental illness like a “real” disease?
I also learned how common it is for people to suffer from the dual diagnosis of addiction and mental illness. This is more common than we realize.
Some 25% of Americans with mental illness also suffer from some form of chronic substance abuse, either alcohol or drugs or both. The two work against you in a negative cycle that is hard to break. Sadly, about 50% of those with dual diagnosis are not getting treatment for either illness.
I once told my son that mental illness and addiction are diseases, just like cancer. Only these diseases are stigmatized. When someone has cancer, the world is quick to rally around the sick person and do whatever is needed to help them live and be cancer free.
However, when someone is an addict or mentally ill, the world vilifies them, as if these diseases are chosen by the victim.
No matter what illness your child suffers, a parent will do anything to help that child be healthy again. We continue to pray and work to keep our son healthy and, more importantly, happy. I want all of my children to feel worthy of this precious life they were given.
I think it will take all of us to break this stigma and embrace anyone who struggles with mental health or addiction. It is not without its challenges. Addicts will lie, steal, cheat, and hurt the very people who love them and want to help them.
However, each day is a new day. Tomorrow might be day one for you or one of your loved ones.
Sharing our stories and our voices
I struggled for months to write this. In my heart, I knew I needed to write down my experience and share it with others who might also be struggling. However, I found it hard to actually get it done or admit this happened. Honestly, there is guilt, shame, and embarrassment.
No matter how many people tell you it’s not your fault, it’s hard to hear it. As a parent, how can your child hurt and it not be your fault.
Part of healing from mental illness and addiction is letting go of the guilt and shame. For everyone involved.
I am sharing my story now.
Hopefully, together, we can break the addiction and mental health stigma that persists in our global society.
Today, I see moments when our son’s beautiful light shines bright. At least he now knows what his light is and how to shine it.
But there are still dark days. My hope is that he, and everyone experiencing addiction or mental illness, will discover how to maintain a quiet mind, an open heart, and the possibility for enduring happiness.
by Margaret Dawson | Nov 14, 2020 | Intentional Leadership
I am a capitalist.
Yep, I said it. The dreaded “C” word.
I also believe in the other “C” word, Corporations.
While I am in confession mode, I will throw in the final gauntlet: I love the book Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. This book speaks to my core belief in the need for courageous, capitalistic leadership.
What’s more, it provides me a rare role model of female leadership. Atlas Shrugged features a heroine who is equal in intelligence, resilience, and business leadership as her male counterparts.
Before you judge me, let me explain.
First, I believe in the principles of supply and demand and free trade.
I believe that if someone works hard and provides customers what they need with great service, they deserve to make good money.
In addition, I believe in a market where healthy competition and customers ensure companies are providing value to the market. In fact, with a healthy capitalistic market, consumers have choices and the freedom to buy from whom they believe best serves their needs.
Capitalism and entrepreneurship built America and most of the world’s economies.
Profit alone cannot be the goal
All of that said, I am not a Friedman capitalist. In other words, I don’t believe in pure competitive capitalism or capitalism that profits shareholders or only a few.
Profit is part of a healthy financial statement; however, profit also provides organizations the ability and responsibility to give back.
Some of the greatest capitalists of our time, Bill Gates, for example, are also some of our strongest philanthropists.
In the past, Microsoft was often called the evil empire. However, I can tell you from experience working there that the spirit of community and philanthropy was not just strong in the corporate culture, it was expected and celebrated.
This, to me, is Compassionate Capitalism, where doing social good and achieving strong financial performance work hand in hand.
There is a wonderful book called Designing Reality that discusses the need for us to embrace a “double bottom-line” mentality. A double bottom line organization is committed to both positive financial returns and meaningful social impact. In other words, we can make money (capitalism) and change the world for the better (social good).
The context of this book is how companies need to change the way they think and operate in order to thrive in the current digital revolution. However, much of what they discuss could translate into compassionate capitalism.
Capitalism does not have to be evil
In so many of the protests across America and the world, capitalism and corporations have been vilified and blamed for everything wrong with our economy and the fabric of our society. Is capitalism perfect? No. But, without a strong capitalistic economy, we would not have the money to achieve all of the social programs we also want to implement.
My issue with anarchists and even politicians like Bernie Sanders is that they do not provide evidence of HOW we would pay for all of the social programs they believe are needed.
What’s more, people assume that capitalists, free market economists, or large corporations do not want to do what’s right for society and the people in it.
Sure there are absolutely selfish companies and leaders. However, for 90% of companies and their leaders, this is simply not true.
I will speak for the technology industry in which I’ve worked for over 25 years. The vast majority of people I know in this industry not only want healthcare for everyone and a strong social safety net, they give generously to help us achieve those basic rights. This remains true across levels, from middle management to senior executives who make millions every year.
As with so many things in America right now, we need to be careful not to draw lines too aggressively for one side or the other.
This is also not a Republican or Democratic issue.
Good people, who believe in both a free market economy and a strong social fabric, exist across all parties, walks of life, and social economic levels.
Compassionate Capitalism is also about a culture of kindness
“Compassionate Capitalism means that corporations have to account for the costs that they impose on the environment, the communities that lie in the vicinity of their factories and plants, as well as offices, their employees whom they have to treat with more kindness, and the consumers and other stakeholders to whom they must be accountable.”
The Management Study Guide
I love this definition of Compassionate Capitalism that goes beyond just social good to the way we treat our employees, customers, and even the environment.
Some of the greatest economies of the world practice Compassionate Capitalism. This is particularly true in the Nordics, which are falsely called socialist economies.
“Nordic countries focus on combining a free market system with several social programs.”
The Foundation for Economic Education
That’s it. A perfect balance – a free market system with social programs that take care of the people in that free market.
Capitalism can enable health and happiness
Not surprisingly, these same countries rank highest for happiness and for the number of women in leadership across companies and government.
As an aside, I do believe women are ideally suited to lead organizations and countries with compassionate capitalism.
Some of you will immediately remind me of the high tax rate in the Nordics. Yes, it is true that Sweden and other Nordic countries pay a significantly higher rate of tax than we do in America.
However, they also don’t have to pay extraordinary amounts of money for basic healthcare, prescriptions, childcare, and other programs that cost the average American thousands of dollars every year.
I would take a higher tax rate if I could see how that money was directly benefiting the society and people around me.
With the current system, I’d rather have more of that money in my control to donate to social programs, since my government is not doing so.
Compassionate Capitalism takes Courageous Leadership
Focusing solely on the financial bottom line is not a strategy for long-term success. I also think it’s the coward’s path.
It takes a courageous leader to not just focus on revenue or profit and loss but rather how the employees, customers, partners or suppliers are treated. Also, to care how everyone feels.
Have you ever been served by a joyous person at a restaurant or hotel? I have. It’s fascinating what happens to us when we do receive happy service. We become happier. Joy is contagious. Chances are we also leave a higher tip and give a stronger positive review for the business because of that employee.
There’s an old cliché I was recently reminded of: Happy employees make happy customers. This is so true.
I just finished reading The Infinite Game by Simon Sinek. In it, he illustrates two types of leadership mindsets: Finite and Infinite. A finite leader is one who only thinks about the immediate return, making sure shareholders and investors are happy. These leaders will drive their teams to optimize quarterly results no matter what. They are focused on a single bottom line. In a finite mindset, there is a perceived winner and loser for every game.
However, Infinite leaders are in it for the long haul. There is no loser or winner, because the game never ends. With an infinite mindset, how you treat your employees and customers matter. It’s all about building trust and creating a company that is greater than any one product or person.
In the book, Sinek introduces the concept of a “Just Cause“. For organizations playing the Infinite Game, the Just Cause is a forward looking statement that is so inspiring and compelling that people are willing to sacrifice to see the vision advanced.
How do we practice Compassionate Capitalism?
I posit that everyone wants to believe in a vision for the future. They want to be inspired. In the Infinite Game and with Compassionate Capitalism, you can provide everyone with strong financial incentives AND stand for something that inspires everyone and brings them joy in their work.
In addition, I believe compassionate capitalism aligns perfectly with our goals and vision for greater diversity and inclusion. With Compassionate Capitalism, all benefit. Not just a few.
We don’t have to choose between socialism or social good and a strong free market economy. The two should be inclusive and done in harmony.
We should be able to make a strong profit and take care of our employees and citizens.
Governments should be able to balance their budget and not jeopardize healthcare, education or other critical social programs.
What if this practice became the norm?
What if we all intentionally became compassionate capitalists?
Let’s hope with the change in government this current oxymoron can become the way we operate.
by Margaret Dawson | Sep 13, 2020 | True To Yourself
A politically incorrect job interview
We’d gone through the niceties as we walked to his office. Now, we kicked into full interview mode, as he pulled out his notepad and pen. The man had no idea we were about to have a conversation about work life balance.
“Before we get too far along in the process, I’d like to ask you a philosophical question,” I stated before he could get his first question in.
The man behind the desk looked at me with part shock and part curiosity.
“Okay,” he said with some hesitation.
“I’m just wondering how you think about productivity and shared success versus time in the office?” I ask.
“I’m not sure what you mean,” he said. He tilted his head to one side, reminding of a dog when it looks like you and says, “I am hearing words but have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Meaning are you a company and a manager that likes seeing people at their desks and in the office 8, 9, 10 or more hours or day or are you okay with more flexibility in terms of hours in the office as long as expectations and results are met or exceeded?” I explain.
“Here’s the deal,” I continue. “I am a mother of young children. Each weekday, I drop them off at school in the morning and pick them up from childcare at the end of the day. Dinner together as a family is sacrosanct. I will work more hours than most people and deliver more than you probably expect. To do so, I will work early mornings, late nights, and weekends to get my job done. However, most days I will be in the office from approximately 8:30am to 4:00 or 4:30pm.”
Putting work life balance first
“I think this is a bit premature to start talking about work life balance and hours in the office,” he states.
“I understand. However, your and my time are valuable, and if that doesn’t sound like something that fits with your culture or style, I don’t want to waste our time,” I conclude.
“Actually, we are a very collaborative culture, which means most of our employees do spend a lot of time in the office, working together,” he says, as he sits up a bit straighter and smiles.
“That is wonderful,” I smile. “But I think I will give you your time back and let you focus on other candidates. Thank you for your honesty.”
I stand up and offer my hand, which he shakes without words. With that, I turn around and walk out his office door and head out through the lobby to the parking lot.
I’m not disappointed. Rather, I am calm and relieved.
I call my system work life imbalance
I am a workaholic. I love my work, and I love working. However, as my children went from toddlers to early school age, something in me snapped. Because I also love and adore my children.
I decided I didn’t need to choose between being the mother I wanted to be and the professional I also desired. I decided to work and live on my terms or what I now call my work life imbalance, where hours are fluid, but boundaries are clearly set.
Not surprisingly, this revelation occurred when I worked for Amazon.com from 2000 to 2002. I served as part of an international team opening and helping grow international eCommerce businesses.
Even then, when the children were young, I made a point of fixing their breakfast. My younger son and I would hang out at Starbucks together for 30 minutes between dropping off his brother and when his school started. We’d read the paper together or just chat about life. He became an expert at ordering my cappuccino.
I picked my children up from childcare by 5:00 or 5:30, so we could have dinner together and still have time for a walk to the playground or a game. During homework, if they had it, I might do a few emails. Sometimes, I would take a conference call with Japan while cooking dinner, as the boys relaxed or played.
However, my attempt to balance hours in the office and hours with my family became anything but balanced.
Others will not appreciate your personal boundaries
Colleagues made sarcastic remarks as I left the office at 4:30 or 5:00, such as, “Wish I could be you and leave the office early.” or “Wow, I guess marketing really is an easier job.” And so it went.
Over time, even my manager started commenting on people “noticing” my empty office chair. Work life balance appeared to not be part of this company’s culture.
Keep in mind, I was still working 10 to 12 hours per day and traveling around the world nearly once a month. Also, I met expectations and received strong reviews from everyone who worked with me around the world.
In response, I wanted to defend myself. They didn’t know I got up at 4:30 to exercise and have calls with Europe. Or stayed up late to talk to Asia. They didn’t see the weekends I spent working in the office when the boys were with their dad or grandparents.
I realized none of it mattered. This was a culture of hours in the office. Not hours productive or hours with results.
After leaving Amazon, I took my lessons with me to a new company. In fact, at the next job, I set expectations of what hours I would be in the office, and the realities of my personal priorities, from the moment I interviewed.
Focusing on productivity and joy instead of hours at the desk
This question of balancing motherhood with a professional career is the most frequent inquiry I’m asked from women I mentor or when speaking to women at a conference or networking event. Mothers have struggled with work life balance from the moment women entered the workforce.
More recently, amid Covid19, the situation worsened, with parents having to acheive work life balance from their home, 24 x 7. In response, I recently shared my opinion regarding work and time flexibility with my team. In fact, I created a simple statement or mantra for my team to use to remind us what is most important.
“Productivity and joyousness not butts in seats”.
When I stated how much I believe in people doing what is best for them, I saw absolute relief and joy emanating from the many faces on my team call. I wish my previous managers or leaders would have proactively stated the same.
Why do we so often as leaders stress one way of working and one time frame, which is the typical 9:00 am to 5:00 pm. Instead, why not create core times when teams need to meet and then allow agility around that?
I have an associate on my team who is trying to figure this out. She does two hours of early work, then two hours with her kindergarten-aged child that includes 30-minute virtual class time over Zoom. Then, it’s back to two more hours of work, and so on. She has created modules of time throughout her day. I’m sure it’s exhausting, but it’s working for her, so she can focus on one thing at a time.
In addition to all the roles mothers have played in the past, today, many moms and dads are also serving as teachers, tutors, counselors and playmates.
8 Guidelines for Achieving Work Life Balance
Over the years, I’ve established a set of guidelines I try to maintain as I continue to seek balance amid my imbalanced life. I have used many of these when mentoring other women who are early in their careers and child raising. However, no matter where you are at either stage, these are good reminders.
1. Set boundaries
Per my story above about wanting to set expectations of when I would be in the office versus with my family, this is all about setting boundaries. You need to decide what areas in your personal life are not negotiable. Maybe for you, like me, it’s dinner time. Maybe it’s early morning with the children. Or, maybe it’s Friday night “date night” with your spouse, partner or significant other. The next step could be sitting down with your family and deciding together what those moments or hours will be.
Your hardest job will be protecting those moments and keeping your boundaries strong. I find over communicating those boundaries to my colleagues and manager is best. While some may find it too personal or too much information, I would rather have that reaction than someone not understanding why I declined a meeting or don’t show up. Also, I think this sets a great precedence by leaders to give your teams permission to do what’s right for them.
2. Don’t apologize
Once you have set those boundaries, please do not apologize for doing what’s best for you and your family. As women, we are too quick to say, “I’m sorry,” about things that do not require an apology. You do not need to apologize for attempting to create healthy personal time that shows your family or yourself is a priority.
Early in my boundary setting, I apologized constantly. If asked to join a call at a certain time during my family time, I’d go on and on about how sorry I was but that was dinner time with my children. Today, I simply state that the time does not work for me, and we’ll have to find something else. If I get pushed, I again state without emotion or regret that it is family time, which is non-negotiable. There is always another time.
3. Give up the guilt
Hand-in-hand with feeling apologetic comes the guilt. Even if you succeed at no longer apologizing, you feel guilty for being the one that made everyone adapt to a new meeting time. I know releasing guilt is hard for everyone, especially those of us who grew up in households where guilt was hardwired in our religion, so I am asking you to do just that. Instead of guilt, try celebrating instead. Think about it. You just successfully put yourself and your family first. Good for you!
4. Don’t lose yourself
Between work, children, other family, and our spouses or partners, it’s easy to put ourselves last. One of the reasons for setting boundaries is to put YOU first. For example, one of my boundaries is my workout time. I may have to get up at 4:00am to do it, but that is my time and my decision. I could do it at noon or in the afternoon.
Today, I also put a boundary around my morning long beach walk with my dog, Benji. There are always meetings scheduled over this time, which is blocked on my calendar, and if it’s really important, I will take my headset and listen to the meeting. However, I still let everyone know that I will most likely not be speaking as I’m on my morning walk with the dog. If this is your challenge area, start small. Choose one item that is about carving out space and time just for YOU. Then, once you’ve done it successfully once, see if you can add a second sacred time for yourself.
5. Be kind to yourself
Just as women love to apologize and feel guilty for everything we are not doing that we think we should, we sometimes beat ourselves up for not being superwoman. Be nice to yourself. You deserve to set boundaries for yourself and your loved ones. This is probably my greatest challenge. I have amazing compassion and grace towards others and their boundaries, but I will often tell myself I am not doing enough. I should not stop working, or I should be working on that presentation instead of sitting with my husband having a glass of wine. Treat yourself as you treat others or as you want others to treat you.
6. Work on your adult relationships
As it’s easy to forget about ourselves, it’s also easy to put children and work ahead of our relationships, such as our spouses. I often found, when my children were small, that my marriage came in last too often. We worked hard to carve out time for just the two of us, and we also set rules so we did not spend that whole time talking about the children, our jobs, or household operational topics.
I will never forget a girlfriend who, when asked how everything was in her marriage, replied: “We are operationally excellent.” In other words, the bills are paid, kids get their homework done and to activities on time, the house is clean, etc. But what operationally excellent marriages lack is usually intimacy, passion, and trust. Yes, I’m talking about sex, too, ladies!
7. Let things go
This has been perhaps my hardest lesson. I have high expectations of my ability to keep my house and life clean, organized and well prepared. However, over the years, I have learned the stress of trying to keep your house perfectly clean and organized makes me a cranky person. Think about areas where you might be holding onto your OCD a bit too much.
Does it really matter if the kids spilled flour or cereal all over the countertop? Will the kids have no clothes to wear if you skip laundry one weekend, even if it means there is a big pile in the laundry room? Does cereal or pizza for dinner, AGAIN, leave permanent damage? Are those muddy paw prints from the dog going to destroy your ability to function until you clean them? The answer to all of this is, no. For me, this means sometimes my bed does not get made or the shoes are a mess in the foyer. But somehow the sun still rises and sets. So, let it go!
8. Build a succession plan
Maybe this sounds like an unrelated item compared to the others, but I learned that leaders must always build teams that can run effectively without them. The greatest joy is when I’ve seen organizations and teams I’ve built not just survive after I’ve gone but thrive and grow. Also, sometimes, when you are adhering to your boundaries, you’ll need to let others step up. Maybe you don’t have to go to that meeting at 5pm when you’re picking up the kids. Ask one of your team members. This could be an opportunity for increased visibility, networking and leadership for that person.
The point is no matter what your role or how senior you are at work, you do not need to always be the one to do the work or make the appearance. Delegate. Build a bench. Have your managers do the same. Btw, this works with your children, too. You don’t have to do everything around the house. Give them jobs.
It’s time to define your version of work life balance
When it comes to balancing work and personal life, there is no cookie cutter recipe nor is there a right or wrong way to do it. It’s whatever is right for you. However, you do need to be prepared to receive pushback. Your manager may not have this vision of success. You will have to drive the expectation setting and keep track of your productivity, regardless of when you are at your desk or not.
Also, if the person or company for which you work does not believe in people figuring out what’s right for them, especially now, then it might be time to look for a new job. I know that sounds scary, but we could have an entirely additional conversation about how to always land on your feet no matter what the economic or business climate.
For now, figure out what your balance might look like. Start with one time, and hold it sacred. See if you can keep your promise to yourself that this time is non-negotiable. Once you have succeeded at the first one, add a second.
By the way, this also works within your work time itself. Carve out time on your calendar to think, write, email, or enjoy some random chats with colleagues. My goal is no more than two hours of meetings without one hour of what I call “buffer” time.
I look forward to hearing how your balancing act is going.
by Margaret Dawson | Jul 5, 2020 | Margi's Musings
Joy is one of the most important life lessons
He is smiling up at me with that big tooth grin that says, “I love you, mama.” Or maybe, “I want to play.” Whatever it is, my heart fills with joy.
But as quickly as the touching moment begins, it ends, as this loving boy gets distracted by something in the grass. He takes off as fast as his legs can move him toward the end of the back yard, ready for a chase.
Then, the dune grass rustles. It’s a deer, about 25 yards away, who suddenly breaks free of his frozen stance and starts prancing away. This puts my boy, Benji, into action. He sprints into the dunes, whipping through the grass so fast you can hear the “swoosh” of the reeds. His head and tail poke above the grass every once in a while as he runs and bounces after the deer.
A minute or so later, he comes bounding out of the dunes, which extend from our backyard to the beach and the ocean beyond, toward the lawn. His tail is wagging like a fast-tempo metronome, and his big toothy smile beams, his tongue sticking out as he pants loudly from his exercise burst.
“Did you get the deer?” I ask, in what I now realize is my “Benji” voice.
His tail wags in pure delight as he whines his reply. I translate this to say, “No, mama, I didn’t catch the deer, but did you see how fast I ran?”
This rescue dog rescued me during Covid 19
Benji is a purebred Plott Hound we rescued from the local animal shelter. He did not grow up on the coast, but he has quickly become an ocean dog. He loves nothing more than chasing seagulls and jumping through the waves on the beach where we are blessed to live.
When we first brought Benji home from the animal shelter, he shook with fear and anxiety. When we tried to get near him, he would put his tail between his legs, bow his head, and make his body as small as possible. It was heartbreaking.
I spent the first 48 hours mostly just sitting or lying near him. I read everything I could about helping dogs with anxiety or those previously abused. Like with humans who have been mistreated, he needed to rebuild trust with humans.
At 3 am on the second day, he slowly moved next to me and let me put the leash on him, so we could go outside. He was probably tired of relieving himself on our deck. We figured we could wash it down once he settled.
By day three, he and I established a routine. Early morning walk, breakfast, late morning walk, rest time, and afternoon dog treat. He still did not let me pet him but he at least let me put the leash on and off. Once we were outside walking, his tail perked up.
We had a moment at some point during those first few days. After our morning walk, he came up to me when I was taking off my shoes, and he put his head between my legs. He let me pet him, rubbing his ears. He just let his head hang on my leg. We connected.
Both of us are learning new dog tricks
It’s been a few weeks now, and I can’t imagine life without this beautiful, loving rescue dog. Beyond our daily routine, we have established our own communication and signals. He has learned so many new words and hand motions.
He knows sit, stay, wait for me, stop, good boy, deer, horse, friend, JR (the UPS guy), and much more.
And while he still does not let anyone else touch him, I can touch him all the time, anywhere. He now allows me to brush him, although when he sees the brush in my hand, he still lies down as if I’m about to beat him. However, once I start brushing him, he closes his eyes in bliss.
He is slowly becoming less afraid of other people, especially men. He plays stick and chase with anyone who will run around with him and bark. Yes, he almost never barks except when playing, but he likes it more when the humans bark back at him. He and I also have a growling game when we play tug of rope.
Simple life lessons that humans sometimes forget
Amid it all, I find I laugh more, including all out giggling, when I’m with Benji. It’s like being around a young child, who is so filled with wonder and joy for the world. Simple joys are found each day.
When I thought about what I have learned from my rescue dog, I discovered seven life lessons about joy, trust, energy, and being present in the moment. Benji helps me remember to shine my light each day.
Life Lesson 1: Any stick will do
While Benji does have his favorite sticks, he is happy with just about any stick, as long as he can find a way to hold it in his mouth while he runs through the ocean. It can’t be too heavy or too long, and if it has a little twist in it, even better. Sometimes, as humans, we struggle to accept anything or anyone that we don’t perceive as “perfect.” We need the perfect house, the perfect car, the perfect job. But in fact, we really don’t. Sometimes, good enough is really enough to bring us joy.
Life Lesson 2: Rainy days are just wet, but still good days
As Benji’s breed needs a lot of exercise, we go out in all weather. Whether it’s pouring rain or just misting, cloudy or foggy, or bright sunshine, we are out the door around 5 or 6am for our first and longest walk of the day. I just change what I wear. Rain coat, waterproof gloves, baseball cap, or my mosquito-repelling sweatshirt. Regardless, Benji acts as if it’s the best day of his life. The only part about rain that stops his smile and tail wagging is the dry off routine once we are home. However, even when he sees the towel, he now just sits or lies down on the porch and patiently waits as I attempt to dry him off.
Life Lesson 3: Bacon makes it all better
Perhaps you already know this lesson. Sure, I put bacon in a lot of recipes before I knew Benji. But with him, bacon takes on a whole new level of love. I know a lot of dogs like people food, but I’ve never seen a dog love bacon the way Benji does. He usually gets some bacon mixed in with his dog food for breakfast. He really loves eggs with his bacon, but that’s only for special treats. Before you judge me, let me assure you I only feed him sugar free, organic bacon. So, it’s totally fine, right? And did you know that you can have the butcher (or buy Hempler’s brand) wrap up the bits and left over pieces at a much cheaper price than sliced bacon?
Life Lesson 4: Mama knows best
I have never seen any creature smile at me the way Benji does, as he comes running to greet me when I come back home. Well, maybe when my children were babies, they would give me that look as I held them in my arms. It doesn’t matter if I’ve been gone five hours or five minutes, he wants a big hug and petting when I return. All my husband has to say is, “Mama’s home,” and Benji perks up with a big grin and takes off to find me. Like with humans, Benji knows mama is the one you go to when you don’t feel good, when you’re sleepy, or when you’re hungry. And somehow, I know the difference in his looks and his whines.
Life Lesson 5: A walk (or run) along the ocean makes everything better
The ocean has always been my happy place, but somehow Benji makes walks on the beach even more joyful. Other than the first day, when he tentatively stuck his toe and nose in the water, and quickly jumped back, he now runs into the waves and dances in the water. He washes his stick and plays his own game with the stick, dropping it in the water and chasing it as the wave pushes it into shore. His favorite part of chasing birds is when they fly over the water, and he has to follow them into the waves, even though I’m sure he realizes he can’t catch them. I have to agree, it’s impossible not to laugh or feel joyous running through the water in rubber boots or my bare feet.
Benji chasing seagulls on the beach
Life Lesson 6: Always be curious and try anything once
Benji is an explorer. Each sound, smell and movement brings fresh interest and the need for exploration. My favorite Benji look is when he cocks his head to one side as if he’s asking, “what are you talking about?” Also, like most dogs, Benji will try anything once. Be it learning to walk through the cold ocean water or trying a new food. I appreciate his adventurous eating spirit as he delicately bites on ocean grasses, devours bones, or savors a bite of horse poop. Another animal’s poop seems to be a delicacy as well as a favorite target for rolling his body. I don’t get the poop thing, but I do love that Benji is an eater. Beyond the above mentioned bacon, Benji wants to try everything we have and what’s in the wild at least once.
Life Lesson 7: Take a lot of naps
I admit I have always loved naps. However, I rarely have a chance to nap much anymore. Benji is a skilled napper, and I love those Saturday afternoons when we both lie down in the living room, me on the couch and him on his dog bed, and snooze for an hour or so.
When we wake up, we are both ready for a little snack, some water, and yes, another walk to the beach. Or at least around the block. I needed a reminder to slow down and enjoy a little nap.
We could all use more innocence and joy
It’s a long road ahead until Benji grows grow out of his anxiety and fears from whatever horrible situation he experienced before he joined our family. However, even with those leftover fears, he spends most of his days smiling and enjoying life. And every day, he gets a little bit better.
Through it all, Benji brings joy and laughter at the times we need it most. Whether it’s running around in circles in the sand dunes, chasing the seagulls at full speed on the beach, or throwing his bone up in the air as he plays a game of chase with himself around the yard.
Enjoying life’s simple joys. What a valuable life lesson that is for us all.
by Margaret Dawson | Jun 14, 2020 | True To Yourself
The little girl bounces out of her house. Purple popsicle in her hand.
Her dirty knees reveal her busy morning playing outside.
She sits down in the small patch of grass, which is mostly dirt, between her house and the one next door. As she crosses her bare legs, a big purple drop plops on her knee.
She puts the popsicle in her mouth as she looks into the next door neighbor’s driveway, staring.
With the popsicle in her mouth, no one can see her smile. However, her big blue-green eyes are alight with joy and love.
She watches the “big boy” next door shoot baskets in his driveway. Her eyes follow his every move. It doesn’t matter if he notices her or not. She could sit watching him for hours.
As the popsicle melts in her mouth, she sings a little song in her head about the boy.
“I love this boy.
His name is Stanley.
He is playing basketball.
And I am watching . . .”
And so the sing-song melody goes.
He is much older than her. He goes to the big kid’s school.
After a while, he stops dribbling and shooting. He looks straight at the little girl and says, “see ya.”
“See ya later,” she calls back, her heart racing.
She runs back into her house, purple, sticky hands leaving spots on the doorknob as she rushes through the door.
“What have you been doing?” her mom asks, seeing her race into the house.
“Watching Stanley play basketball,” the girl says breathlessly.
“You really like Stanley, don’t you?” asks mom.
The girl pauses and thinks.
“I love him,” she exclaims with a sigh.
“He’s a big, creamy bar of chocolate, and I want to eat him up.”
Racism Didn’t Exist in My Little World
That little girl is me. And this story is my earliest memory of a “black” person. Only I did not know that description then or that the word “black” meant anything other than a color in my crayon box.
This memory came back to me recently as my country and the world are once again thrown into an age-old debate about racism.
I long for moments like the one in this story where a child is unaware of racism or really race at all. All I saw was a beautiful boy playing basketball. In fact, I remember the feeling as I watched him.
I give my parents a lot of credit, as they encouraged us to treat every person equally and to expect fairness. Growing up in the 1960’s, I didn’t even know amid this raw stage in our history what was swirling around my naive, happy life.
The neighborhood we lived in was lower middle class. Accordingly, the houses were small. We had one bathroom. However, it was idyllic for a curious, energetic four-year-old. I ran around the neighborhood, visiting different families, and eating whatever they served.
One of my favorite activities was sampling snacks and dinners at all the houses on our block. Each house had its own special smells, spices, and foods, and I loved them all. When I was older, my mother confirmed that our block was a potpourri of ethnicities and backgrounds.
No One is Born a Racist
In the house on the corner lived a large family with eight or more kids. Maria, the mom, made the most amazing homemade tortillas. One night, I sat down with them for dinner, thinking no one would possibly notice one more child at the table with so many children.
The father, however, looked straight at me and asked, “who are you?”
Being a smartass even then, I answered, “I’m one of your children. Don’t you recognize me?” Going back to that moment, I honestly think my 4-year-old self thought no one would notice.
Laughing, he said, “Of course, our blond, blue eyed child.” With that, dinner proceeded as usual, only with me stuffing my face with as many tortillas and beans that I could get my grubby hands on.
My best friend across the street, Leah, was Jewish. I didn’t really know what that meant at the time other than she received presents for DAYS around Christmas time, when I only received gifts on one day.
Also, I learned later that Leah was adopted. It never occurred to me that she didn’t look like her parents. However, now looking at a photo of us, Leah was a lovely brown color. Hispanic? Native American? Who knows. It doesn’t matter.
To me, she was just Leah. And I loved her.
Me and my best friend Leah at around 4 years old in this very old black and white photo. Our dads are in the background.
Experiencing Racism and School Integration
The first time I encountered anything directly “racist” was when my grandmother told us she had visited her “colored” friend down the street. My little sister and I giggled as we tried to figure out what color her friend was.
“Maybe she’s green like a Martian,” my sister laughed.
Later, mom explained that grandma’s friend was black. That just confused me. Why didn’t grandma just say black then? Or why did she have to say a color at all?
Later in middle school, I witnessed racism firsthand.
The neighborhood where I went to school was mostly white and upper middle class, and predominantly Jewish. I only know this last fact because I was in middle school and EVERYONE celebrated bat mitzvahs and bar mitzvahs.
Selfishly, it riled me once again to see such a difference between my confirmation, the Christian version of becoming an adult, and the Jewish passing into adulthood that involved a major party, tons of cash, and presents.
Of course, my Jewish friends liked to remind me of the Hebrew lessons, hours of study and classes, and having to read the Torah in front of an entire congregation. Yeah, but still, those presents!
Anyway, during my 7th grade year, the school district joined the 1970’s movement of school integration. For my school, this meant busing about 100 kids to our neighborhood from downtown, which was mostly lower income and black.
The idea, my mom explained, was to give less fortunate kids access to schools in wealthier school districts that had better teachers, supplies, classes, etc.
A couple of the bused-in kids I knew from our church, which was also located in the downtown area.
Not Accepting Racist Boundaries
One day, I walked out of the girls’ bathroom to the courtyard on the other side. Immediately, a girl to my right yelled at me: “Margi, get over here.”
Following the voice, I looked up and saw a group of girls huddled together to my right. They were staring straight ahead at another group of girls to my left. My musical theater brain thought of West Side Story, as it looked like a female version of the jets and sharks.
As if on cue, a girl from the left then yelled at me. “No you don’t, Margi, you get over here.”
I stood there shifting my sight from right to left like a tennis match. As you’ve probably guessed, one side comprised mostly black girls. The other group was primarily white. I had friends on both sides.
There was no right answer here, and I started to panic.
Instead of joining either side, I ran back through the bathroom and to the office, grabbing the Principal. I knew my tattle telling would earn me grief, and possibly punches, from both sides. However, I could not stand the thought of having to choose a side or have the girls hurt each other.
Honestly, I did not understand the boundaries those girls drew then, and I don’t understand them now.
Why Can’t We all Get Along?
I do not tell these stories to be righteous. I’m sure I’ve said stupid things and not been sensitive to others. During a recent company meeting, I learned about some phrases of which I never realized were dismissive or biased. As a white woman, I have no idea what it’s like going through life with dark skin.
Rather, I tell these stories because recent events have me thinking back through my life and reliving racism through the eyes of a child.
Frankly, I can’t believe we are still facing the issues of my youth. In my fantasy world, I dreamed we would all be living in harmony by the time I was an adult. I don’t understand why our country cannot break this cycle of racism.
How can one human look at another human and see anything other than another human being?
Clearly, I am still naive. But mostly, I’m just sad and angry that we can’t all just fucking get along.
Trying to Understand the Black Experience
Before I married, I dated a couple of black men. Only then did I have a glimpse firsthand of what non-white people deal with every day of their lives.
For example, one time when my boyfriend and I were invited to a wedding in Boise, I suggested we drive. Immediately, he responded, “No. We will fly into Boise, go to the wedding, and fly back out.”
I did not understand. He explained that driving through Eastern Washington and Idaho would be too dangerous for him, especially with a white woman in the car with him. I remember thinking, “Oh, come on, we don’t live in the South.” However, other black friends validated his fears.
Wherever we went, people of ALL colors stared at us. In restaurants, parks, coffee shops. I grew accustomed to the evil eye directed at me by some black women and the head shakes by white men. Or just the anger directed at us by random people. None of this made sense to me. Why did anyone care who I dated or slept with? What business was it of theirs?
The only time I ever felt normal walking down the sidewalk holding the hand of my black boyfriend was in New York. There, we blended in with the cacophony of sounds, skin colors, and languages. It felt freeing and safe.
Throughout my life, white men have asked me, “Why do you love black men so much?”
In response, I usually sigh and reply, “I love men. Good looking, strong, healthy, funny, smart men. Period. Color has nothing to do with it.”
Believing all People and Colors are Beautiful
Okay, I will admit, there are times I see a black man, and I think exactly as my 4-year-old self did watching Stanley play basketball. I think, “What a beautiful man.” But is it because he’s black? I think it’s just because the man is wicked good looking!
Although, to be honest, it does happen more frequently with black men than other races.
One time at a Mariners game, I had the fortune of sitting in the front row behind the on-deck batter’s circle. Carlos Delgado, with the Toronto Bluejays, entered the circle to warm up with a few swings. His back was to me, and all I could do was stare at his amazingly beautiful body, especially his butt. (Yes, men, we look at your butts. Get over it.)
Without realizing it, my mouth emitted a sound that was something like, “Yummmmmm.”
Delgado immediately turned and looked straight into my eyes, and shocked me as he said, “Thank you. You’re not bad yourself.”
My heart stopped beating for what felt like a full minute. He then proceeded to go up to bat and hit a rocket into the field, securing a double.
How could any woman (or man for that matter) not think Carlos Delgado is a beautiful specimen of a human being?
I am a Mama of all God’s Children
I am a mother of several boys. When I heard that George Floyd called for his mama, my heart broke. That could have been my son.
No one’s baby should die that way, and I wish one of us mamas could have held him in our arms.
I am a mama of all God’s babies. I believe that. You want to see me experience pure joy? Put a baby in my arms.
My wish is that all mothers come together and unite to end this violence against our babies. We should grieve, be angry, and try to protect the life of every mother’s child. Regardless of their age, race or gender.
The next time you see someone different from you, just think about the fact that he or she is somebody’s baby.
Now, I end where I began. With a child’s voice.
Jesus loves the little children
All the children of the world
Red, brown, yellow
Black and white
They are precious in His sight
Jesus loves the little children
Of the world
by Margaret Dawson | Jun 4, 2020 | Speaking Abstracts
Margaret’s premier presentation on finding your true light
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We are all meant to shine…” Marianne Williamson
When we were young, most of us were encouraged to “be ourselves” and find our passion. But somewhere along the path through puberty and to adulthood, our inner voice and external guidance vastly changed. Today, we find ourselves hiding our light and even being criticized for the very traits that make us unique and beautiful.
Women leaders in technology and business perhaps face this more than other groups, and all of us have learned to navigate this world in different ways. However, this is a global, human phenomenon.
Join Margaret Dawson, as she takes us on her journey of rediscovering her true light, providing guidance and humor to help everyone remember not only what their inner light is but how to let it shine in spite of the critics and societal guidelines.
Download the abstract here.
by Margaret Dawson | Jun 4, 2020 | Speaking Abstracts
Achieving Digital Leadership Together
Digital Transformation efforts span an entire organization. Becoming a digital leader requires accelerating innovation, adopting new technologies and transforming the user experience to achieve deeper human connections. This requires a new level of collaboration between the CMO and CIO and their teams on technology spend and socializing IT and architectural plans within the two departments.
And yet, for many companies, the tension between IT and the business is at an all time high. Marketing tech now rivals most corporate IT stacks. The two sides often disagree on cloud services, marketing applications, data management, and security policies. It’s time to break down the silos between IT and Marketing in order to successfully transform.
Join Margaret Dawson, an IT industry veteran and marketing executive, who has advised IT and marketing leaders for two decades. In this session, you will learn how to create digital transformation plans and processes that work for both IT and marketing.
Download the abstract here.
by Margaret Dawson | Jun 4, 2020 | Speaking Abstracts
The reality of hybrid cloud architecture
Almost every CIO I talk to says they have a “cloud-first” strategy, and they are putting everything in the public cloud. This is typically driven by cost reduction mandates, and the impression that public cloud is the only way to gain advantage in their digital transformation. However, this approach is neither realistic or reality.
Public cloud is absolutely a vital part of a next-generation architecture and needed to achieve digital leadership. However, no application is an island. And when pursuing this cloud-first strategy, many organizations don’t take the time to develop a smart cloud strategy or application assessment process.
For any workload, there are dependencies with other applications, data sources, integration requirements, business processes, and other architectural realities. All of this can take a cloud strategy off the rails faster than you can say AWS.
For nearly every large organization, the reality will be hybrid for a long time to come. And I propose, an open hybrid cloud architecture is the right approach to maintain the agility, flexibility, and security we need.
Margaret Dawson brings real-world examples, data insights, and a fresh perspective to this discussion of cloud computing and a modern IT architecture.
Download the abstract here.
by Margaret Dawson | Jun 4, 2020 | Speaking Abstracts
Leadership traits needed for success
What distinguishes a good leader from a bad leader? Too often, we see the worst examples of leadership at the highest levels. A successful leader is a rare combination of characteristics and skills. One that brings different capabilities and styles depending on the stage of a company, the challenges it faces, its financial status, or its goals.
However, there are some universal traits that are always needed. Margaret Dawson, who has led teams and initiatives at start-ups and Fortune 500 organizations, shares her leadership framework. In it, she outlines six critical traits of a successful leader.
Margaret will walk through these six traits, which are at the core of what separates good enough from greatness in leadership.
- Inspirer
- Manager
- Operator
- Builder
- Transformer
- Empath
Download the abstract here.
by Margaret Dawson | May 25, 2020 | Speaking Abstracts
Six human factors to digital transformation success
Digital transformation is no longer an option. Every organization knows it must become a digital leader to survive and thrive. This is why businesses and governments are throwing trillions of dollars at new technologies. Organizations must build and deliver exciting new software applications. They must continuously innovate, move quickly, adapt, and stay ahead of the never-ending onslaught of digital data, experiences, and channels.
Accordingly, we’ve seen the massive rise of cloud computing, open source technologies, data analytics, artificial intelligence, and many other innovations. However, well over half of all new software or IT projects still fail. That’s because technology alone does not solve digital transformation. It doesn’t address the fundamental issues that block or drive transformational success, and the most critical dependency.
That is people.
Join Margaret Dawson, as she reveals the elements of digital transformation that technology can’t resolve and why human connection is critical to our success. Giving examples of what digital leaders do differently, Margaret will discuss 6 human factors to transformational success.
Download the abstract here.
by Margaret Dawson | May 24, 2020 | Speaking Abstracts
8 Steps We Can all Take Now
It is so easy for us to point fingers at men. If only there wasn’t sexism in the world. If only men would support women leaders more. While everyone can agree there needs to be change in the world by men, there is so much more women can do for other women.
In fact, oftentimes, women are the worst critics of other women. And until all women are intentionally supporting other women, we have no right to blame others.
Join Margaret Dawson, a technology executive and long-time intentional supporter of women and men, in a discussion of what women can do to support each other more. Margaret outlines eight actions we can all start taking now to enable women empowering women.
Download the abstract here.
by Margaret Dawson | May 23, 2020 | Intentional Leadership
Why human connection is more important during crises
I’m not sure if this is going to work.
We are doing a session on why human connection is vital to digital transformation success.
I’ve spoken on this many times, and it’s received positive comments and results. However, now is not like any other time.
Now, we are all working remotely and home isolated due to Covid19 and the attempt for countries to control this global pandemic. Of course, we pitched this session months ago, when we were all still able to fly, go to live events, and meet with customers and partners face to face.
As soon as I click on the first slide, the irony of talking about human connection during a time of massive human disconnection stares in our faces.
It’s an image of two arms stretching toward each other, shaking hands. Usually, my witty headline on this slide is “digital handshakes cannot replace the real thing.”
Whoops.
So, I just admit the dichotomy head on and repeat my typical headline, and then ask the audience a question.
“Why is that the case?” I ask.
“Because hand shakes, when we firmly grasp another human’s hand and look at them in the eye, help develop trust,” I answer, imagining my audience nodding their heads.
“After receiving a firm handshake from someone, you automatically feel like you’ve made a connection.
The physical contact makes it personal, while also conveying friendship and good intent.”
Center for Performance Improvement
Building trust when we are physically disconnected
I joke that this is only the case with a firm handshake of course, not one of those limp, fish handshakes, as I call them.
“Now, we must earn that trust in different ways,” I continue.
“Our need to continue on the path of digital transformation does not stop. In fact, we are undergoing more change than ever before,” I add.
“Therefore, the need for trust is also greater than ever.”
“In a climate that combines uncertainty with aggressive innovation, and the need to learn or relearn a new trend,
trust is one of the only stable principles we can count on …”
DANIEL NEWMAN
PRINCIPAL ANALYST, FUTURUM RESEARCH
How do we develop trust as leaders, colleagues, clients, vendors, and even parents or friends during a time when we are so physically apart and isolated?
We need to do even more to connect to each other’s humanity.
Touching people might now be virtual, but we need to ensure we are connecting via whatever virtual means we can.
More frequently, not less.
For longer periods, not shorter.
Over the last couple of months, I’ve seen an incredible hunger and need for people to just talk, ask questions, and “be” with other people.
They want reassurance that the world isn’t completely falling apart.
For many, they want anything that speaks to normalcy.
Crisis Leadership requires personal connection
In fact, this period has opened a door to even greater personal awareness.
Most of us had never seen the inside of our colleague’s homes.
Now, after the hundredth video conference call, we know the different rooms in our team’s houses. Who has dogs and cats. The names of their children, significant others, parents, animals, etc. We know who has a second home and where it is, and we know when they are there instead of their main home, as the views change.
We see just about everybody in their natural state: unshowered, no make up, and hair dye long expired or personally redone. We no longer find it surprising when a colleague has a cold beer or glass of wine in their hand for the 4:00pm meeting.
Also, the geographic differences seem to be less far apart. A call at 8pm with Asia no longer seems as strange. In fact, the other day I started my morning at 4am with Ireland and ended my day at 7pm with Singapore. Coffee on one end and a glass of wine on the other. It’s all part of a long, yet seemingly normal, blurry day.
What does all this mean for us as leaders?
Google Meet grid view for large team meetings
6 Ways Leaders can build trust now and always
I’ve identified and have implemented six key areas that I believe are essential for leaders to not only manage through this time, but inspire and maintain the morale of their teams.
1. Increase your availability and authenticity
It’s 5am Seattle time. I am in my home office, cup of coffee at hand, jumping on a Bluejeans web conference call.
There are already three colleagues there.
“Good morning early birds,” I say to them.
To be fair, it’s afternoon for one person, who lives in Amsterdam.
It’s Friday, and I’m expecting a light turnout. However, two minutes later, there are 25 people on the call. I love the Google Meet grid view, as you can see everyone who has their camera on, and in this case, it’s everyone. The laughter begins almost immediately. Lovely laughter.
Right after we all went remote, I offered to do an “ask MD anything” session with my team. To my surprise, the team unanimously said “yes, you should do that.”
Now, I hold these video meetings at different times of the day and week, and the agenda is just as it sounds. In other words, there is no agenda. Whoever shows up talks about whatever is on their mind, and asks me whatever questions they have.
Often, these meetings turn into in-depth conversations about family and work balance, quarantine jokes, or sometimes, somber stories. Other times, team members pose serious questions about salaries, retention, bonuses, hiring, and just overall financial stability.
I give this example, because as leaders in today’s environment, we need to be “present” in new ways. I am experiencing the importance of this every day. Since we can no longer walk the halls, we need to create opportunities for those unofficial conversations. Think about how you can maintain your “open door policy” or flexible office hours virtually.
2. Be open and transparent with information sharing
In addition to being present, think about “how” you show up and communicate, authentically. Let go of the polish you might normally have at the office.
Who cares if they see you with no make-up, in your workout clothes, with a glass of wine in your hand. In fact, this level of personal authenticity makes you and your leadership more accessible and trustworthy.
Whether you are a leader who readily shares information with your teams or not, this is a good time to focus on your open communication. Change is the greatest source of fear for humans. Every day, our teams are experiencing massive change, or worse, no change at all to what feels like a desperate situation.
When we show up for our people in more casual, accessible ways, we need to also share information more openly.
“Trust is built on telling the truth, not telling people what they want to hear”
Simon Sinek
My default is to tell my team everything I know and have heard during executive briefings, unless the information is confidential or has financial repercussions.
These are professionals, and by trusting them with whatever deeper knowledge you have around the quarterly results, budgets, Covid response, customers, and other areas of the business, helps them feel empowered and increases their confidence in the company, your leadership, and their own abilities.
3. Create virtual team building opportunities
In addition to providing more virtual collaboration time to hang out with one another and be visible as a leader, we need to do more to help everyone feel part of a team.
Research proves that this period of isolation has increased levels of depression and feelings of being alone or disconnected. On this front, I’ve seen many teams create virtual coffee chats or happy hours. Others have started gamifying all hands and team meetings, using apps or polling tools to improve collaboration and participation by everyone. Another idea is to choose a team passion project or non-profit focus.
One team I know decided to come together to help a women’s shelter where they had volunteered previously. Everyone on the team, if they were able, donated items from the shelter’s Amazon page, and included a small message that said it was from their team. This not only built a team spirit but also helped everyone feel like they were making a difference during this difficult time. The shelter, of course, was thrilled, since its supplies and donations were running low.
4. Develop Virtual Workshops or TrainingMember Login
Perhaps even harder than our virtual team environment is our inability to meet face-to-face with our customers and clients. In fact, often my role is helping a sales team establish better executive relationships by meeting a customer for dinner or lunch or during a conference.
This allows us to get to know each other outside of a sales situation, and helps build trust. How can we do this virtually?
At Red Hat, the company is finding creative ways to duplicate or at least come close to those more intimate customer interactions, virtually. Its impactful executive briefing center (EBC) meetings are being tested using a virtual platform that includes not only typical video conferencing but also chat, virtual whiteboards, dynamic presentations, and other technology in an attempt to adapt what is usually an agile physical environment to one in a virtual domain.
Companies all over the globe are developing ways to make their training, workshops, hands-on labs, conferences and sales meetings virtual. I’m sure you are doing the same.
My only advice here is do your homework and training. Make sure the platform and tools perform in the way you need them to and can scale when under pressure. I’ve seen many events crash in this new virtual reality, both literally and figuratively. While your customers will have patience with you as you work to provide services in new ways, their patience will have limits.
With whatever finances you have to invest in virtual platforms, choose them carefully and make sure your staff is trained appropriately. No platform is perfect, but they are also not created equal.
5. Encourage direct feedback
Along with authentic communication by you as a leader, we should encourage direct, honest feedback to us. Why? Because people should be encouraged to tell the truth about how they are feeling, what they see going on, and any issues they are experiencing.
For example, maybe a person who reports to you is normally motivated by title and rewards. However, during this time of remote working, he is more concerned with work-life balance and being present for his children. This is vital, as maybe you need to figure out how to increase his work flexibility or personal time off limits, rather than focusing on his next bonus.
Talking with your employees in a candid, honest way will help ensure they are all still there when the economy and your company recover from the crisis. While many people are obviously happy to be employed, we still need to worry about employee health and retention.
During a crisis, we are more likely to experience Crucial Conversations, as the stakes are always high during times of change or stress. If you haven’t read this book or developed skills for difficult conversations, now is a perfect time to start!
Also, do not let this period of remote connections lead to fewer career or development conversations. Stay on track with your reviews and development plans. In fact, perhaps you have more time to focus on these than before. (I say this hopefully, as I have found I have less time for this, not more, but I’m still trying.)
6. Embrace the speed of agility
During times of crisis leadership, we need to be able to constantly adjust what we are doing and how we are prioritizing. The market dynamics and global economy are changing on a regular, and sometimes daily, basis.
Some great examples are how Ford Motor Company, with car manufacturing demands dropping off during the global pandemic, retooled and retrained their manufacturing sites to build ventilators instead of cars.
This took a leader with the ability to handle risk and push through change. In doing so, Ford kept employees working as much as possible, while also providing a critical medical device that was vastly under-resourced.
This level of agility and fast adjustment might be new to you. It takes fast decision making and risk taking combined.
However, doing nothing during times of change or crisis results in greater problems or downturns. Putting our heads in the sand and hoping everything will get better has been shown to never work.
How do we become Double bottom line companies
Back to my session on Digital Transformation. I always end this presentation with a challenge for the audience, pushing them to think about not just what they do but how and why they do it.
In addition, I ask how we can all become “double bottom-line companies.” This is a term coined by Alan Gershenfeld, Founder/President of E-Line Media, and the author of Designing Reality. A great book I recommend, by the way.
A double bottom line organization is committed to BOTH positive financial returns AND meaningful social impact. In other words, we can make money and change the world for the better, at the same time. One does not have to be mutually exclusive of the other.
Capitalism for social good. I like that. Because, I believe that is the greatest human connection we can make. The way we will come out of this economic hardship will be a deeper connection between these two. In my humble opinion, capitalism is not the root of evil. It provides the opportunities and financial capability to do social good, if everyone chooses to do so.
Let’s all work to help businesses succeed, and to become double bottom-line organizations. Now and always.
by Margaret Dawson | May 2, 2020 | Favorite Recipes
Chicken Adobo Recipe: My personal adaptation
One of the things I loved most about living in Asia for nearly 10 years was the food. Oh, and the spices. The smells, the textures, the sweet, salty, sour, and spicy all at once. Your tongue just delighting in it all.
Of course, the best part of trying new dishes is attempting to recreate them at home. There are some I never did get right, but the experiments are always worth every failed attempt. One that I was able to consistently create and make my own is this Philippine chicken adobo recipe.
What is Philippine Adobo?
Philippine adobo is a classic and popular Filipino dish. The sauce or marinade includes vinegar, soy sauce, garlic and black peppercorns. It’s typically made with pork or chicken, but really you could do it with vegetables as well.
My recipe is an adaptation of the traditional Philippine adobo dish. And yes, I do have issues following recipes – I have to make them my “own”.
I follow the basic four ingredients for the chicken adobo sauce above, but instead of rice vinegar I use Apple Cider vinegar. In addition to black peppercorns, I add Cinnamon Sticks. Finally, I add one can of Coconut milk to the sauce, which brings a creaminess and sweetness that I just adore. For the meat, I use boneless chicken breasts, but you can also use thighs or other parts of the bird (cooking time might vary based on how thick the pieces are).
I hope you enjoy this version of chicken adobo as much as I do. It’s perfect with stir fry broccoli with garlic and a little soy sauce (one of my favorite vegie dishes that all the boys love), and jasmine or coconut rice.
Ingredients:
- 4 to 5 boneless breasts of chicken
- 1 TBSP olive oil
- 1 cup apple cider vinegar
- 2 cinnamon sticks broken into one inch pieces
- ~2 TBSP whole peppercorns
- 1 cup gluten free soy sauce (you can use regular soy sauce. I recommend low sodium).
- 2 TBSP crushed/chopped garlic (~ 4-5 cloves)
- 3 to 4 bay leaves
- 5 to 6 whole cloves
- 1 can lite Coconut Milk
Directions:
- Use a 13×9 glass baking pan.
- Mix all ingredients except chicken in the baking pan and stir.
- Add chicken pieces to the plan, putting a few fork pokes in the meat on each side and turning the chicken over to get the marinade into the meat on both sides.
- Cover the baking pan and refrigerate for 3 or 4 hours (or overnight is even better!).
- After marinating, remove pan from the refrigerator.
- Preheat oven to 325 degrees (I find cooking chicken on lower temperature for a longer time makes the meat more tender).
- Bake the chicken IN the marinade and the same pan for 30 to 35 minutes (check at 25 minutes to make sure and not overcook).
- Remove and let settle for a couple of minutes.
- Serve on top of Jasmine Rice or Coconut Rice and with garlic broccoli as a side.
- Use the sauce (marinade) to pour over the chicken adobo and rice (so yummy!!).
Stir fried Garlic Broccoli is the perfect side dish with Chicken Adobo
by Margaret Dawson | Mar 29, 2020 | Building Self-Esteem
My inner voice said I was not good enough
“I am good enough,” the yellow sticky note reads in thick black ink.
There are a few of them.
One on my computer monitor. Another on my bathroom mirror. One inside my work notebook, so I see it when I open it.
It was my therapist’s idea.
A mantra. An affirmation.
It’s meant to rewire my brain, where my inner voice for so long has told me the opposite. “You aren’t good enough or pretty enough or smart enough or . . . fill in the blank enough.”
Or, my voice provides the opposite end of the spectrum – that I am too much. “Too tall, too loud, too assertive, too masculine.”
Of course, all negative inner voices come from external input at some point in our lives. We don’t just wake up one day and decide we’re a piece of shit and not worthy.
I can track some of my self-esteem issues to specific events in my life, like moving and starting at new schools 13 times in 18 years. Or, being told I was stupid by a rude biology teacher. Or being teased endlessly for being a 12-year-old girl who stood at 5’8” and barely over 100 pounds.
It doesn’t matter how much I’ve matured, learned, experienced or grown as a person personally and professionally. My brain is often locked at 12 or 13, where every external cue I received told me I was not good enough.
The dichotomy between self-image and reality
I am good enough!
Right now, I am staring at these words on my monitor, wondering why I still don’t believe this about myself.
I’m 35 years old. I have a good job. Beautiful children. I just bought my first home.
And yet, I know, fundamentally, I think it’s all a ruse. At some point, everyone will find me out. I’ve just been playing a role on the stage, as I’ve done since I was four years old. I am a good actress.
That’s the narrative that plays in my head when I am in my dark place.
Of course, the imposter syndrome is a well known issue that the vast majority of people on this planet feel at one point or another. However, it’s not so much that I feel like an imposter. I just feel inferior.
If I was to step back and see myself from the outside, the facts would not align with my perception.
This affirmation is not to just be read casually once in a while. No, I am to intentionally say the words out loud as often as I can. Up to 100 times a day.
Everyday, when I get up in the morning and go to the bathroom, I look into the mirror and read my affirmation. I feel ridiculous, even though no one is around to hear me.
However, I can tell it is working.
After days of reading and stating it to myself and the world, something is changing. Just a flicker, like a candle when it’s just lit and starts to glow. Not fully formed, but a growing warmth in my core, starting to believe that this person is good enough. That I am worthy of all I have, and none of this is luck.
The power of personal affirmation
I was reminded of the first time I exercised this intentional affirmation, some 20 years ago, during a few recent conversations. These interactions reminded me how many people suffer from feeling worthless. Fundamentally, believing they are not good enough.
First, I met with a professional woman introduced to me by a mutual friend who asked to speak with me and get some career guidance.
This woman built a successful consulting business that was acquired. In addition, she had just recently been offered a job with Amazon. And yet, as we talked, it was clear to me that she did not feel worthy. The alpha-male tech industry has seeped into her psyche, making her question herself and her capabilities.
“I want to be a powerful, impactful woman like you,” she said with all sincerity.
“No, you don’t,” I replied without hesitation. “You want to be the powerful, impactful woman YOU are.”
“In many ways, you have already surpassed me,” I stated. “Look at the facts of your success. You built a business from scratch and made it so successful a larger, regional company acquired you. Now, you are taking all your knowledge of automation, cloud computing, and IT infrastructure and applying it to the largest public cloud provider in the world.”
“Anyone looking at you from the outside would be amazed by you,” I added.
Of course, I had to add a sarcastic jab: “Oh, and I’ve heard Amazon hires real dummies.”
Even the most successful people doubt themselves
I am POWERFUL!
It’s the same story.
Over time, her inner voice allowed external negative input to become the truth. Now, her own self-identity believed she was not good enough, not powerful enough.
We then talked about intentional affirmation, and about my sticky notes.
“I know it sounds simple, but just try it,” I encouraged her.
“What do you want to say to yourself to start to change your inner critic to inner champion,” I asked.
She thought about it for a bit.
“How about, ‘I am powerful’?” she asked.
I hesitated. The word “powerful” took on a negative meaning in my head.
As if she read my mind, she explained, “not as powerful as in greedy power or aggressive power, but powerful as in I am in command of my own story and of my own life. I can do this.”
“I love it,” I agreed.
Using intentional affirmation to stop feeling worthless
I am Worth It!
The second recent situation was with my son, who is struggling with his own confidence and self-esteem. As any mother will tell you, there is nothing more heartbreaking than watching your own child feel unworthy of this world.
We talked about this, and while I don’t feel comfortable sharing the details of our private, emotional conversation, I will share the outcome.
He decided to write down an affirmation on a bright green sticky note and try stating it out loud as many times as possible each day.
His affirmation is: “I am worth it.”
Simple. Powerful.
He is so worthy of this world, and I can’t wait for him to believe in this amazing worthy person we see and love.
Taking a stand for yourself
What is your inner voice telling you?
Could you use a little positive, intentional affirmation?
You have the power in your own voice, actions and words to change the current in your brain from negative to positive.
What affirmation will you write down on sticky notes and repeat at least ten times (or a hundred) per day?
Share it with us in the comments if you are willing, so we can share in your journey of affirmation.
You are good enough. You are worthy.
It’s time to start believing what the rest of the world knows!
by Margaret Dawson | Mar 8, 2020 | Forgiving Yourself
I see one of my lunch regulars, Bob, as I head back out to the floor with two glasses of White Zinfandel for my “ladies who lunch” table. Please have them leave me more than a $2.00 tip today, I pray silently.
I drop off the wine and head to Bob’s table.
“Happy Friday,Bob,” I say with a genuine smile, not just my waitress smile. I like Bob.
“How are you today?” I ask
“Good,” he says. “How are you holding up?”
“I am surviving,” I respond.
“Margaret, I want you to meet my client, John,” Bob says, indicating to the man across the booth.
“Great to meet you, John. Bob is one of my favorite guests, “ I say with all sincerity, but also to give Bob a little ego boost.
John nods but no response. Wow, a rough crowd for both me and Bob. This man needs to relax, I think.
“So can I bring you boys a drink while you review the menu? Bob, I’m assuming you want your regular?”
“Yes, please,” Bob winks.
“Oh, we’re having a drink?” John asks. “That is great news. I will have a gin and tonic with lime.” He finally breaks a smile.
“Do you have a preference of gin?” I inquire.
“Of course. I’d like Beefeater.” John states.
“Sounds good. Also, just want you both to know we do have a couple of specials not on our fresh sheet. Clam chowder is our soup, which is one of our signature dishes. And the chef has created a squid ink fettuccine with fresh crab in a lemon cream sauce that is absolutely incredible,” I explain.
Adding, “I’ll be back with your drinks in a flash.”
Helping an alcoholic fit into society
I punch in the drink order and head to the bar.
“Hey Jeff,” I greet the bartender. “That order I just put in for a beefeaters and tonic and then just a tonic with lime. Make them look exactly the same. Put tonic in a tumbler not a soda glass, please. It’s for Bob.”
“Ah, got it,” Jeff nods.
“Thanks – I owe you,” I say as I walk back out to my section to check on my other tables. Jeff knows there’s a tip in it for him, and Bob always gives me a large tip, so I’m good.
It’s a simple thing I do for Bob. Help him not have to talk about the fact he doesn’t drink. To help him look like every other businessman (and the rare woman) having lunch at this expensive, waterfront seafood restaurant in Seattle.
When I first met Bob, he came to lunch alone. We started chatting, and before we both knew it, he was telling me he was a recovered alcoholic. But he was always having to take clients out to “two drink” lunches, which he hated.
And that was when we made our pact. I would always ask if he wanted his “regular”, and I would make sure his tonic water was served in the same glass as the alcoholic drinks. It was a win win.
Society makes drinking alcohol a requirement
I was recently reminded of Bob as I read the book: This Naked Mind, by Annie Grace.
The book discusses how alcohol, unlike any other drug, is a societal requirement. Every party, dinner, business gathering, sales discussion, girls night out, or any other event, is assumed to include alcohol. In fact, we often depend on it.
Meanwhile, if you don’t drink at any of these gatherings, people almost always ask why. Because, after all, doesn’t everyone want a drink at the end of a hard day or over the weekend or during a football game?
That’s why non drinkers or recovered alcoholics, or people just trying to not drink so much, have to come up with a ploy. A way to fit in. Like Bob. It’s sad but true. I often will drink club soda with lime.
Regardless, you always have to answer the question: “Why aren’t you drinking?” And when you tell them you are trying to cut down or just not drinking for a while, they immediately go into a diatribe of why they like alcohol. Or, I’ve even had people question me for my choice of abstinence.
My daughter, who’s going to medical school and has been moderating her own drinking, recommended the book to me months ago. But I forgot about it. Then, during a recent search on Amazon, the book came up again. I was looking for something to help me deal with alcoholism in our family, which I’ve always assumed is in our Irish genes.
My father was an alcoholic, and died much too young. Because of him and the amount of drinking I witnessed my entire childhood, I’m hyper-sensitive to the whole topic and how many people drink too much, too easily.
However, that never stopped me from drinking.
Isn’t moderate drinking of red wine actually good for you?
In my own mind, I am above the fray of those people who down a million beers or drink hard alcohol. I tell myself that I am in control, and I model moderate, “healthy” drinking habits for my children and team.
I don’t drink more than two drinks in one sitting, and I only drink red wine. Well, and Rose, which is from red grapes. And only French Rose, because it’s more “pure”.
It’s the “healthy” alcohol, I tell myself. Many articles even confirm that. Turns out, red wine provides zero heart health benefit. WTF?
Justifications aside, if I’m to be honest, I was and have been drinking a LOT of red wine. It has become part of my persona. Margaret loves red wine. Everyone knows that.
I have a sign in my kitchen that reads, “I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food.” My son gave me a dish towel for my birthday that says, “The first thing on my bucket list is to fill my bucket with wine.”
Specifically, I like expensive red wine, ideally from Italy or France. Big, bold, earthy red wines. “Boujee” wines, as my children call it.
The author of This Naked Mind calls bullshit on all of this (my words not hers).
Grace simply states that Alcohol is the only drug that we justify taking because of its so-called amazing taste and heritage.
What’s more, alcohol is the only drug that gets pushed on us in nearly every social occasion. You would never ask someone, “What, you aren’t shooting up heroin tonight?” Or “What do you mean you’re not having another joint?”
Turns out alcohol is a highly addictive drug
While I do always try to limit my intake to two glasses, there has been more than one event where someone kept filling up my wine glass without my realizing it, resulting in me drinking much more than I intended and getting sick. And yet, I go right back to drinking wine the next night in spite of that.
Can you think of another thing you put in your body after it makes you sick? Probably not.
This is because alcohol is a highly addictive DRUG, as the author not so gently states.
This fact slapped me in the face.
Wait, alcohol is a drug? I thought as I read the book.
Alcohol is highly addictive? I pondered.
I mean, I knew alcohol was addictive to alcoholics, who could not help themselves, but to everyone?
Yes, everyone. We all get addicted to alcohol over time. That’s how it works with drugs. Some people can control it, but most of us can’t.
Therefore, whether you’ve been diagnosed as an “alcoholic” or not – even if you’re just a social drinker – you are still addicted to alcohol.
The author tells her story of how she, over time, went from being a social drinker to consuming two bottles of red wine every night, without even thinking about it.
She asks in the book: “Are you drinking more than you were three years ago?”
To be honest, my answer is yes.
I decided to stop drinking for Lent and to try to have more empathy with our son. But after reading this book, I’m not sure Lent matters anymore.
Now, I don’t want to drink, because I’m re-evaluating the whole reason I do drink.
Why do really healthy people drink alcohol?
Ten years ago, I was diagnosed as gluten intolerant. Wheat and gluten were making me sick. So, I stopped. Cold turkey. As soon as the doctor told me I had celiac disease, I stopped eating anything with gluten.
When I do eat gluten, typically because there is flour in something I did not suspect, I get sick.
Do I miss bread? Yes. I still love the smell of sourdough bread or fresh, hot rolls served in a basket with butter. And I mourn the loss of bread in my life. However, wheat is like poison in my body, so I don’t eat it.
Sometimes people ask me how I do it. Often, in response, they declare how they could never stop eating bread. I always answer simply, “sure you could, if it made you sick.”
In addition to not eating gluten, I am a healthy eater. I eat a lot of vegetables, take small portions to keep me from overeating, and don’t eat much of anything out of a can or a box.
And I am mostly successful at exercising regularly.
I’m a healthy person, dammit, I told myself as I read this book. Drinking wine is my only vice.
Besides, I love the taste of wine.
I never once thought that my beloved red wine was poisoning my body – just like gluten. I never thought of it as a drug.
Is Drinking Alcohol Slowing Killing Us All?
Without judgement, this book presents facts and new perspectives about alcohol that makes you stop and think. She isn’t patronizing or condescending.
She just lays out the facts and encourages you to tell the truth about alcohol to yourself, especially your subconscious. The subconscious is where our habits and addictions live, even if we are consciously telling ourselves we don’t want to drink.
Here are just some of the facts this book lays out to illustrate how alcohol is harmful to our health. The author compiled this information from statistically relevant studies, and asks you to draw your own conclusions.
Drinking alcohol leads to disease and death
The World Health Organization (WHO) says alcohol is a causal factor in sixty types of diseases and injuries. WHO also notes that alcohol has surpassed AIDS as the world’s leading risk factor for death among males aged 15 to 59.
There are 88,000 alcohol-related deaths in the U.S. alone every year.
Two million Americans suffer from alcohol related liver disease, making it a leading cause of illness and death.
Drinking causes steatosis or “fatty liver,” which makes it harder for your liver to operate and clean toxins in your body. Statistically, 25% of heavy drinkers will develop cirrhosis of the liver. Other typical outcomes are liver cancer and type-2 diabetes.
Your brain is hurt by alcohol
As soon as alcohol enters your system, it slows the pace of neurotransmission, interrupting your brain’s communication pathways. It slows down your responsiveness and deadens your senses.
Everyone knows alcohol hinders motor coordination. Thus, why police use the “walk the straight line” test.
In addition, severe, chronic depression and heavy drinking are closely linked. It’s ironic that many people think drinking will take away their loneliness or depression. When, in fact, the opposite is true.
Just one bout of heavy drinking can cause permanent alterations in your nerve cells and reduce the size of individual brain cells. (Heavy drinking is defined as five drinks in two hours for men and four drinks in two hours for women.)
Alcohol weakens the heart muscle
Alcohol makes the heart muscle sag and stretch, making it impossible to contract properly.
Without proper contraction, the heart is not able to transport enough oxygen to your organs and tissues. And that is all very important for our health and, obviously, in staying alive.
Our immune system is compromised by alcohol
Alcohol disrupts the production of cytokines, which are critical to our immune system.
This one really hit me, because I focus on my immunity – a LOT. For example, I take EmergenC, with 1,000 milligrams of Vitamin C, twice a day. Plus, I take a special immunity supplement every night.
I make sure my daily intake of vitamins includes an immunity-boosting level of Vitamin D, Zinc and Vitamin B, as well as others.
Diet wise, I eat a lot of dark green, leafy vegetables. I wipe down my airplane seat every time I fly. And the list goes on.
I never thought my glass of wine was hurting my immunity. To be honest, I thought it might be actually helping it.
Even light, moderate drinking can cause major health problems
Light drinking (yes, moderate drinking) was associated with higher cancer risks for many types of cancer, including breast cancer. In fact, women who consume just THREE alcoholic drinks per week increase their breast cancer risk by 15%.
The kicker for me: Alcohol reduces life expectancy by ten to 12 years, according to research the author quotes. And yes, even moderate drinking.
Shit.
Questioning why I drink and if I can stop
The facts above just scratch the surface of what the book outlines. After reading the book entirely, I went back and highlighted key sections. Every day, I go back in and read a few paragraphs in order to embed this into my brain.
I am now asking myself, “why do I drink?”
For one, it’s been around me my whole life. I can’t remember a dinner or party or social occasion where I did not see my parents or other adults drinking.
In college, it was just what you did. Drinking showed we were adults. Drinking in college is a tradition.
At some point, drinking wine became a habit. A habit – just like drinking coffee in the morning, brushing my teeth, praying, or doing yoga. However, with wine, it is not a healthy habit.
Turns out, alcohol is a carcinogen. Yep. The International Agency for Research on Cancer (IARC) declared alcohol a carcinogen in 1988, according to the book.
Alcohol contains ethanol, the same ingredient as the fuel we put in our car. That image really got me. I don’t do drugs. I am healthy. I do things in moderation. Yet, I am pouring gasoline down my body, typically at the rate of two glasses a night.
Okay, I know it’s not exactly the same as gasoline, but it’s also not that different.
Giving yourself permission to be free of alcohol
One of the ways I try to change the voice in my head is through a “mantra”: a simple statement I say to myself over and over again.
I put my mantra on sticky notes in key places: on my computer monitor, on the refrigerator, on my bathroom mirror, etc.
My mantra for the coming days or weeks is this:
“I am Strong, I am Healthy, I am Free.”
Why am I saying “free”? Because in the book, the author talks about freedom from alcohol. Alcohol is not our friend. It slowly kills us.
I want to be free from this addiction. I don’t need to have alcohol in my life.
In fact, I am healthier without it. Already, after just one week, I can feel the difference when I am running on the treadmill. My breath is easier. My heart rate is slower.
However, I will be honest, I am still processing this information and mourning the loss of my close companion: wine.
Last night, we went to our favorite bar for dinner. I had a cranberry and club soda served in a wine glass. Yes, it made me feel better to have a wine glass in my hand, I admit it. But having two non-alcoholic drinks did not change the evening at all. We chatted, laughed, ate a burger, and had fun.
More importantly, I drove home knowing without a doubt I was sober.
Will I never drink again? I don’t know. However, I do know I will never look at alcohol the same way.
Alcohol put my father in the grave at 63, and he missed seeing his grandchildren grow up.
I want to be here. For a long time.
by Margaret Dawson | Feb 2, 2020 | Favorite Recipes
Moist, healthy, low fat blueberry muffins
I don’t even remember where I received my initial inspiration for these blueberry muffins. If it’s like most of my recipes and cooking, it probably emerged from a montage of multiple recipes. I start with ideas gathered from several sources, and then I make it my own, which means it must include cinnamon, lemon juice, coconut sugar, and other favorites. Usually, my inspirational recipes are always missing something. For example, I wanted them to be high fiber, so I added flaxseed, but still light – so I added baking soda and a little lemon juice. The result: fluffy, high fiber, gluten free muffins emerged!
Trust me, there are typically many failed tests in my experimental cooking process. I remember one batch that I used flaxseed meal instead of the actual flax “seeds”. The result, which ended up in the trash, were heavy, pasty-tasting muffins. Yuck.
But I love this process, figuring out what works and what doesn’t. It’s like a hidden mathematical equation, where I have to break it down into pieces and solve the problem. This is why I loved Algebra. However, cooking like this also feeds my creative side.
What do they say about cooking? It’s the combination of science and art. Which makes me a food geek. Yes!!
The Important Numbers
The quantities of ingredients below make 12 to 18 muffins, if using a regular size muffin pan. I estimate each muffin is approximately 250 to 300 calories, plus they are high in protein, fiber, antioxidants and yumminess!
Main Ingredients:
- 2 to 3 ripe bananas (if small use 3)
- ⅔ cup Coconut Sugar
- 3 Large eggs
- ¼ cup Coconut Nectar (or organic honey or pure maple syrup)
- ¼ cup Coconut oil (melted or liquid) – or you can use Grapeseed oil or melted grass fed butter
- 1 TBSP lemon juice
- 1 tsp Vanilla Extract
- ½ cup unsweetened Almond milk (can use coconut or rice milk) – you can add a bit more if not moist enough.
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- 3 cups Paleo Flour
- ¼ white rice flour (maybe try coconut or oat flour?)
- 1 cup flaxseed (light or dark is fine)
- 1 tsp kosher salt
- ½ tsp baking soda
- 2 tsp baking powder
- 1 – 2 tsp cinnamon
- 2 dashes nutmeg
- 2 – 3 dashes cardamon
- 1 ½ – 2 cups blueberries
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Topping:
Blueberry Muffins with topping sprinkled on top ready to go into the oven!
Directions:
- Preheat oven to 325 degrees
- Spray muffin pan with your favorite oil spray ( I like coconut) or use muffin cups.
- Cut up banana in a medium sized bowl. Add the coconut sugar and microwave for 45 seconds to one minute.
- Mash the banana sugar mixture until banana is mashed up. Sugar should melt. Set aside.
- Put all other dry ingredients in a large bowl and whisk together just til mixed – get all the lumps out.
- Set dry ingredients aside and go back to mashed banana mixture now cooled.
- Add eggs one at a time, whisking after each.
- Add oil and whisk lightly.
- Add coconut nectar, lemon juice and vanilla extract and whisk lightly.
- Add milk and whisk lightly.
- Slowly add wet mixture into dry mixture whisking together (don’t over beat).
- Use wooden spoon after whisking to make sure everything is mixed together – batter will be sticky. If too thick to mix add a little milk until it is just mixed together and sticky.
- Add blueberries and gently fold them in.
- Fill each muffin cup with batter – to just under filled (don’t over fill).
- Mix together ¼ cup coconut sugar and a tsp or so of cinnamon and sprinkle that mixture lightly over each muffin.
- Place pan on middle rack in heated oven.
- Bake for 20 to 25 minutes – check at 20 minutes (turn muffin tin around at 10 minutes).
- Put toothpick in middle of muffin and if it doesn’t come out clean, bake for another 2 to 5 min.
- Don’t overbake – will still be soft to touch when done (just not sticky in middle).
- Cool for 5 to 10 minutes and then use a rubber spatula to gently remove all muffins from tin.
- Add butter and enjoy (or just eat with nothing like our son Dean does!).
Why I love these blueberry muffins
I love making a batch of these blueberry muffins on the weekend, so I can grab one each morning on my way to the office. They make a great, healthy breakfast with your cup of coffee, or a perfect afternoon snack.
I hope you enjoy them as much as I do. Let me know what you think after you try them!!
by Margaret Dawson | Feb 1, 2020 | Building Self-Esteem
“Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don’t belong
And no one understands you”
Simple Plan
I DON’T REALLY BELIEVE IN A NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION
I am nervous.
A year ago, I would have walked in here like I owned the place. But a year ago, I weighed 15 pounds less and had tight abs and nice, sleek guns.
Then I had hernia surgery, a longer than expected recovery, and I fell out of the daily gym habit. And the longer I went not going, the harder it became to go through the door to the gym.
Every business trip, I packed my workout clothes, and they lay clean and unused when I returned home and unpacked. The last trip I didn’t even bother pretending. The workout clothes stayed at home.
But today is the day.
I am taking deep breaths as I walk out of the locker room and head to the gym. I hear treadmills spinning and weights banging.
It’s just the fucking commuity club, not Gold’s Gym, I tell myself.
I am probably the thinnest person here, but since I feel fat in my own skin, I don’t see myself as others do.
I open the door and scan the room. There’s a treadmill not being used by the big windows overlooking the back lawn and the bay. The water is angry, with white caps crashing, and the wind moving the water sideways. January at the Washington Coast.
BUT SOMETHING HAS TO CHANGE
I feel just like the ocean. Angry. Being blown sideways.
I don’t even know what I’m so angry or frustrated about.
Everyone just seems to move so slowly. Everyone seems to be taking pieces of me, until I have nothing left. I don’t seem to ever have enough time or enough of me.
By not sweating and really pushing myself in workouts, I haven’t had any release for my frustration or my anger. It just built up inside me.
Truth be told, it comes out in other ways, and usually my husband bears the brunt. As they say, we always hurt the ones we love the most.
But I can’t get angry at my colleagues or my children. So the most common target is my husband or, more often, myself. Beating myself up for not being good enough or thin enough or disciplined enough.
SO HERE I AM, STARTING OVER AGAIN
I start walking at 3.5 miles per hour, zero incline.
I have my workout music blaring into my ears. Eminem, Ludicrous, Linkin Park, Fort Minor – mixed in with Lauren Daigle, Casting Crowns, Mercy Me, and of course, Ben Platt, and my musical theatre songs.
I feel weighed down, like I’m barely moving.
But then, something breaks in me. A memory. Only it’s not in my mind, it’s my muscles, screaming: “YES! We remember this. We like this.”
Without thinking, I go to 4.0 mph. I raise the incline.
My heart starts pumping. I turn the music up louder.
At the one mile mark, I make my move. I am terrified that I will not even make it 30 seconds running, but I tell myself to just try. I push the up arrow to 6.0 mph and start running.
My inner voice starts coaching: “breathe in through your nose. Feel your breath in and out. Deep breaths. Keep your heart rate down.”
At 1.5 miles, I go back down to 4.0 and a power walk. But at 2 miles, I go back to 6 and run again. I do intervals until I hit 3.2 miles and cool down.
It feels good. To sweat. To feel my heart.
I feel like screaming, but I would probably scare the crap out of the old woman next to me.
I DID it!
My body kicked into gear.
10 days later: Beyond a New Year’s Resolution
I have now been to the gym 7 or the last 9 days. Each time, I ran a 5k. I am able to run longer and faster, and I’ve added push-ups and planks to my routine.
I am still not confident enough to use the weights or machines. But, I’ll get there. I will ask for help.
The scale is not as kind as I would like, as no movement there. However, I can feel the difference. I feel thinner, or at least less puffy.
Although today I put on my “huge” baggy work jeans, and they fit – even a little tight if I was to be honest. I was frustrated, but I told myself at least they still fit. Could be worse.
Now I need to stay with it. Not give up just as I am getting into the habit. Not just the exercise, but the no or little sugar, and more nights without a glass of wine.
I know this sounds like every other New Year’s resolution. And yes, the timing is the same as every other person on the planet promising to be a better version of themselves in 2020. But, for me, it was about finally having time to test the waters.
I just couldn’t find out if I still had it in me at 5:00 am in a hotel gym surrounded by colleagues or business execs who double as underwear models. No, I needed to do this surrounded by people who don’t threaten me.
Ironically, I don’t even notice my surroundings when I’m in the “mode.” I tend to stare straight ahead, moving to my music and my own thoughts. So it shouldn’t matter, but it does.
Remembering to make “me” a priority
Maybe you can relate to my story. Putting yourself last. Making excuses to not work out or eat healthy or sleep enough. I am trying to think about what we can all learn from my experience.
Here are a few ideas.
1. Be kind to yourself
2. It’s never too late to get started
3. Take baby steps
4. Celebrate small improvements
5. Find joy in what you’re doing
6. Ask for help
I hope you find fresh energy and light in this new year.
“I’m standing in the flames
It’s a beautiful kind of pain
Setting fire to yesterday
Find the light, find the light, find the light”
Eminem
by Margaret Dawson | Jan 25, 2020 | Women Empowerment
I don’t like to use the word Sexism
As a woman executive in tech, I try not to get sucked into stories of the boy’s club, misogynistic or sexist remarks, or how women have to work twice as hard to be taken seriously. I know sexism and all of these issues exist and are true, but most days, I just focus on my job and try to make a positive impact.
If I was to focus on the challenges women in this and other industries face every day, I would spend too much energy on being angry. Instead, I channel that energy to empowering and supporting other women (and men), and validating other leaders who do the same.
But recently, I experienced an encounter that was so blatantly sexist and demoralizing that I cannot stop thinking about it. It had been a long time since I was spoken to as if I was not qualified, as if I was not “worthy”. I am 100% positive I was spoken to differently because I am a woman.
Based on my life’s experiences, there is no way this male executive would have treated another male executive the same way. He questioned my capabilities and my experience, even though my team informed him of my title and role; and my experience.
I thought I’d share my experience to illustrate the sometimes daily shit women in tech have to deal with that is just par for the course. And, we are supposed to just let it all roll off our backs and get over it.
I have left out company and individual names for privacy, and I am sharing the experience as best as I can remember.
It’s great to be King
I get on the conference call.
The goal is to hear from the SVP of sales for this organization, a partner company of ours. They are planning their big annual conference, and my team recommended I do a keynote at the event. The partner company originally wanted our CEO, but when he was not available, my name was recommended.
My colleague, let’s call her Mary, joins the call, along with another business development manager, who I will call Joe.
We chit chat about the weather as we wait for the other executive to join the call.
Soon, the partner exec, who I will call Mark, comes on as we are still talking about the cold weather in Boston.
“Thank you so much for taking time to talk to us today, Mark. We have on the call Margaret Dawson, an executive with our partner, who we are recommending do the keynote at our event in a couple of months,” Joe says.
“Nice to meet you,” says Mark.
“Mutual,” I say. “Looking forward to working with you on this.”
“So, do we have the presentation to go through?” Mark asks. “I thought that was the plan, was it not, Joe?” he inquires, in a tone I am trying to not interpret as annoyed or impatient, since we’ve barely started the meeting.
Joe then explains that we needed to switch speakers, so we were going to use this time for him to get to know me, the new speaker.
“Actually,” I chime in, “it would be great to hear from you, Mark, about your expectations, and then I’m happy to go through a couple of ideas we’ve had and abstracts I’ve sent the team.” I am hoping from my initial gut read that this is a man who likes to hear himself speak.
This man probably thinks he’s being helpful, not sexist
Turns out, I am right. The mansplaining begins.
Mark goes through a long explanation of their event, his goals, and the expectations of this “prime time” keynote. A couple of times, I try to interject a comment or question, but I am not successful.
“It would be great if you could specifically reference our ‘Cloud Center of Excellence,’ he emphasizes. “Write that down,” he says, slowly articulating each word as he repeats it: “Cloud Center of Excellence. That’s a very specific thing we have.”
Did he just say “write that down”? I ask myself. WTF?
“I think the content we are thinking about fits very well. I’d open by talking about what I’m seeing from our customers around the world and some common themes and challenges,” I start to explain.
“Before you go through that, could you tell me a little bit about yourself, Margaret?” Mark asks. “What is your background? Have you done anything like this before?”
What is my background? Has there been zero briefing? They asked me to do this presentation. My mind is spinning with potential answers to this. None of which I say.
“Sure,” I say, holding back my annoyance. “I have been in the IT industry for nearly 30 years, working across both the corporate and technology sides of the business, and have been VP in our products and technology organization for the last four years. Part of my job now and for years prior involved working with customers and partners around the world, and I’ve spoken at leading industry shows around the globe about cloud computing, big data, digital transformation, hybrid cloud architecture, etc.”
“I see,” says Mark. “Could you tell me a bit more about how you think you would approach this keynote, as this is very important to us, and quite a star spot on our main stage.”
Please let me prove my worth, your highness
My colleague cuts in, saving me.
“Margaret is one of our senior executives and most sought-after speakers,” she states.
“I understand,” says Mark. “This is just a very important event, and I want to make sure Margaret understands what is needed. Margaret, do you have a couple presentations you could show me, or perhaps a video of you speaking at an event?”
“Yes, of course,” I reply. “But I have to say, I didn’t realize this was going to be a job interview. If I’m not the right fit or style, then we should find someone more appropriate. No hard feelings.” I am about to lose my shit.
This time Joe steps in.
“Mark, we have a couple of presentations Margaret sent to us that I can forward you,” Joe says.
“I see. That would have been helpful to see before this meeting,” Mark says.
“How about this,” I suggest: “Why don’t you review the abstracts and presentations, and watch a couple of videos, and then you can let me know?”
“Could you have a draft presentation done by next week for us to review?” Mark asks, as if nothing I’ve just said went into his head.
“No,” I retort. “I can’t start working on this and creating a tailored presentation, which of course I would do, for a couple of weeks.”
“Margaret is very busy with our next fiscal year planning, as we are in our Q4 right now,” Mary says, trying to save the conversation again.
“I see,” says Mark.
No, I don’t think you do “see,” Mark, I think.
I’m done trying to prove myself
“Well, it was great to meet you, Mark, and I look forward to helping make this an incredibly successful event,” I say as graciously as possible. “I need to drop for another meeting.”
It was the top of the hour, and I did have another meeting. However, I needed to drop before I started screaming.
A few hours later, we receive an email from Mark that says, “Margaret, I watched a couple videos, and you are a very good speaker. I look forward to your keynote.”
I laugh out loud when I read this, calling Mary.
“Thank goodness Mark thinks I’m good enough,” I say snidely.
“I need a drink,” Mary replies. “I cannot get over this display of blatant sexism.”
“Me, too,” I say. “Maybe two. Oh my god.”
Our femininity and competency are our greatest power
I am not one to toot my own horn, but there are a few areas I feel confident in my abilities. One of them is public speaking, including presentations to a technical audience. This is my passion and my joy, and it shows.
Part of me wants to go back to this organization and tell them “no” – to not give them the opportunity to have me engage with their audience. However, I know I will not. I am above it. This isn’t the first time I’ve overcome people assuming I am not capable of handling a keynote on a technical topic or to a thousand people.
By doing this keynote, and doing well, I will hopefully show one more time that it doesn’t matter that I’m a woman. I will take a stand for all women and other minority populations in technology.
The audience will not care I am a woman, I tell myself. They will care that I am competent, engaging, funny and helpful. They will walk away with a new idea or a fresh perspective. Or perhaps just a good feeling because they were not bored out of their minds.
But because of my experience with this sexist man and this company, I will make a point that I am a woman in technology. I will walk on stage in a shorter than usual skirt and perhaps higher than usual heels. I will stand tall in my nearly six-foot height.
And I will shine.
by Margaret Dawson | Nov 27, 2019 | Parenting With Transparency
“Hi mama,” my son yells up through the kitchen window.
I look out the window, smile, drop my dish towel, and hurry to the front door.
His girlfriend is first up the front stairs, and I grab her grocery bags and hug her all at the same time. I like this girl. She fits into our crazy tribe.
I take the groceries into the kitchen while she heads back down for more. I love these grown-up children, who can stop at the store on their way to your house, and it’s no big deal.
“What about me? No hug?” This 6-foot 4-inch man-son says to me, chortling.
“So good to see you,” I say into his strong body, as I hold onto this amazing boy for a few seconds. “I’ve missed you two.”
“We’ve missed you, too,” he says.
“Okay, it’s officially mimosa time!” I declare.
I deserve a drink. I’ve been up since 5 am prepping for our annual pre-Thanksgiving Thanksgiving dinner. The house is already glowing with smells of cinnamon, sage, rosemary, oregano, and garlic, as well as fresh-brewed coffee.
The homemade cranberry sauce is cooling in the frig, the sweet potatoes with ginger and cumin are in one crock pot, and the purple potatoes that will become a garlic mash are boiling on the stove. I will put the turkey in around noon for our four o’clock-ish dinner time, so there’s still plenty of time to get the stuffing going. And with all the arrivals, I have a lot of people to help chop up ingredients.
But for now, we will enjoy mimosas. I love opening champagne, and with the orange juice they just brought, I start pouring the bubbly mixture that signifies celebration and morning brunch.
OUR THANKSGIVING TRADITION IS AN EARLY HOLIDAY
We started this Thanksgiving tradition a few years ago, holding our celebration the weekend before the actual Thursday holiday. By doing so, more of the children and their significant others can make it to the celebration, and it allows them to spend actual Thanksgiving with other family or friends. And traveling over the weekend before is much easier with less traffic on the roads and in the air, not to mention significantly cheaper.
Three of our five children are making it this year. One of the older twin boys arrived last night. He was already there when I arrived home from work. I walked straight to him from my car, wrapping him in my arms in the driveway, taking him in.
The youngest son is due to arrive soon with his girlfriend – another one I like. She suits this son. Also, she is not intimidated by me, which is a good sign. I hate those shaky girls who wear too much make-up and can’t hold their own with me. And yes, I know that’s probably unfair, since there are grown men who are intimidated by me. But come on, these boys grew up with me, so they should be attracted to strong women, right?
OUR FAMILY IS ALSO NON-TRADITIONAL
The youngest son and girlfriend are driving from Seattle with my ex-husband and his wife, with whom I share two of my sons. We have been celebrating holidays, birthdays, and milestones for so long together, it would seem weird to not have them here this weekend.
I know what you’re thinking right now: “Wait, did she say her ex-husband and his wife?” Yes. Yes, I did.
Just like your reaction, the first time people experience our “family”, they are surprised. But as we like to say, “we got over it a long time ago, so you can, too.” And we truly have. In fact, just writing “ex-husband” sounds so strange, like I’m talking about someone else. He’s the father of two of my children, and Lynn is their other mom. It’s just our family.
I can’t imagine life or Thanksgiving without them, and I truly enjoy spending time with them. I miss our college weekends, theatre productions, and basketball games where we would hang out and sometimes go out for dinner afterward.
COOKING AND NURTURING IS MY HAPPY PLACE
Dinner preparation continues but now with a mimosa in my hand, and a fresh pot of coffee brewing. I made gluten free carrot orange muffins, and a rich, fluffy sour cream cardamom coffee cake for our brunch time.
I used to make this coffee cake all the time before I was diagnosed with gluten intolerance. However, this was the first time I made it gluten free, and in addition to gluten free flours, I used plain Greek yogurt instead of sour cream. It turned out just as yummy as before.
As with any good holiday at our house, the food and drink never really stop – we just move from one quarter to the next, just like the football games blaring from the TV room downstairs.
Soon, the laughter, smells, and new cars in the driveway entice my husband in from the yard, where he has been chainsawing trees for the fire pit we plan to do tonight.
Just as my happy place is in the kitchen, wearing an apron and adding spices to my various dishes like an artist chooses colors and textures – his happy place is outside with his chainsaw, wearing his Carhartts, orange suspenders, and Chippewas.
I love these moments, cooking food I love for the people I love. Doing it my way, which means never following a recipe and making it slightly different every time. A little more paprika here, some pepper there, some more cinnamon to this dish.
This is when my light is shining; when our home becomes a gathering place.
Our dining area near the kitchen that is our family gathering place.
OUR HOME IS THE GATHERING PLACE
We have a sign above our sliding glass doors from the great room to the deck that says just that: “The Gathering Place.” And it is.
Even as I’m cooking, people are wandering in and out of the kitchen, sitting on the counter stools or out on the deck. Multiple conversations. Cutting boards scattered with various items being prepped.
Guests arrive with their contributions to the meal, as more platters, appetizers, and wine are opened and shared. Introductions are made for first timers. They soon join the waves of laughter. So much laughter. Such happiness.
BRINGING FAMILY TOGETHER IS MY MOM JOB
I learned through the years that this is something I must do. I guess it’s a matriarchal thing – or what the mama is supposed to do. Otherwise, it’s too easy for everyone to just go their own way. Our children all live a long drive or flight away from us.
I think it’s our job to make sure we are providing events and opportunities to get together. That means we drive or fly to see them whenever we can, and we fly them to our house or other locations to gather.
We are fortunate to have the means to do so, because I can’t imagine not having these gatherings. My heart would remain at half-empty if I didn’t fill it up with the love and laughter of our grown children and other family and friends.
I’m sure there are some eye rolls or chuckles from the children when they receive my texts and emails about the next time I want us all to get together. But they know better than to ignore them or not at least try to come. Plus, I know they enjoy these gatherings as much as we do.
Family, in whatever form it takes, is one of my absolute core values. My children, and the people around them, are my joy and addiction.
THANKFUL FOR MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS
This year joining us are two couples we’ve met in our new hometown of the past two years, Ocean Shores. These people are now part of our family, and important threads in the life we are weaving here.
And they fit in, quick to laugh, tell silly jokes, tease somebody, and enjoy good food and drink.
I miss our other two children, but one is doing a rotation on the east coast for medical school, and the other works in retail and cannot get away at all this time of year.
As if on cue, just as I have my hands up the Turkey’s ass, where I’m shoving stuffing,the phone rings. It’s our daughter. One of the girlfriends answers the phone for me and puts it on speaker phone.
“Hey sweetie, I’m stuffing the turkey, can I call you back in a little bit?” I say.
“She literally has her arm up the turkey’s orifice,” says the girlfriend.
Laughing over the phone, our daughter says, “yep, all good. Just wanted to wish you a happy early Thanksgiving. Wish I was there.”
As we all sit down with our food ready to enjoy the feast before us, I ask each person to state something they are thankful for. Yes, I am that person. Typically, I see new people give a look of, “oh, god, not this” on their faces when I make this request. But as everyone shares each personal thanks, I also see the looks of, “yeah, wow, and that’s right” on faces.
We start with my father-in-law, who gives thanks to be here with everyone and enjoy this time together. By the end, as always, I have tears, as people share such gracious words of thanks.
I am so thankful for this group of people: my children, their friends, my friends, and our family, who, year after year, sit at this table to eat, drink, tell stories, laugh, and be present, together. Oh, and, of course, play Cards Against Humanity.
WE ALSO HAVE A PRE-CHRISTMAS TRADITION
In addition to our pre-Thanksgiving celebration ritual, we also have an annual family reunion in Las Vegas a few days before Christmas. This is my mother-in-law’s side of the family, as her eldest brother, and the elder of the family, lives in Vegas.
I used to fight this annual gathering, as I hate Las Vegas, and I could not reconcile the dichotomy of the Christmas spirit with the Vegas debauchery.
But then I realized around year three of this annual pilgrimage that it didn’t matter where this family reunion took place. Because it wasn’t really about Vegas; it was about being together as a family.
Granted, this is an Irish Kentucky family who loves to drink and gamble, making Vegas an ideal destination. But the people are the real reason we go to Vegas.
IT’S ABOUT THE PEOPLE NOT THE LOCATION
Now, I look forward to our yearly Vegas trip, and I embrace the somewhat white trash resort (as I call it) where we stay. Here, I have my favorite penny slots, our favorite bartender at TGI Friday’s who loves us, and my favorite velour Christmas dress I wear with red stockings and boots. Of course, we also have our collection of tacky Christmas sweaters to wear.
But what I really love is the gathering at Doc and Arlene’s house. This is where Arlene is the “mama” of the house, and she rules the kitchen as a queen rules her countryside: with grace, compassion, patience, and a lot of food. She knows everyone’s favorite dish. And she is everyone’s favorite Auntie.
This year our Vegas reunion will not be quite the same. As this year we will be without one of the elders, Uncle Don.
We knew this day would come. Every year, the elders joke it could be their last. They are all over 80 years old. But we all remained in denial.
I think I am still in denial, and it won’t hit me until that moment I go down to McDonalds in the lobby at 5 am for coffee and Uncle Don won’t be sitting there. Or when I’m alone at a slot machine in the corner of the casino having some alone time, and the only person who shows up is Don, because he, too, likes some quiet time.
HOW TO BE INTENTIONAL THIS HOLIDAY SEASON
What can you take away from this?
The biggest lesson for me is not being afraid to ask for what you want. To stick to my core values; one of which is family.
If you want your children to come visit, or you want to go see them, then just ask or tell them what you want.
There are so many people and families that have these passive aggressive ways of communicating, instead of just directly saying, “I want you to come to my house.”
It takes hard work and intention to maintain these connections. As we enter this holiday season, I encourage you to be intentional. To ask for what you want. To do what you want.
This life is short, as we hear so often. But it’s true.
Therefore, do what you need to be with those you love or to reconnect with those people who have somehow slid out of your life. Don’t be alone this holiday season. Seek out others. Ask for help. Ask for what you need.
I think you’ll be surprised how the universe responds.
Two sons, their girlfriends and me after our morning beach walk the day after our Thanksgiving feast.
by Margaret Dawson | Nov 27, 2019 | Favorite Recipes
The best gluten free muffins
These muffins are adapted from an original carrot muffin recipe I received from Carol Cochran, who now owns and runs the Horse & Dragon Brewing Company in Fort Collins, CO. I also call this: “I just had a baby and need to poop” muffins, as Carol first gave them to me after I had given birth to one of my sons. And all I can say is, they performed as promised! But now I enjoy them all the time, and I have adapted it to our gluten free, mostly paleo diet. Enjoy!
Ingredients:
- 2 cups freshly-grated Carrots
- 1 cup Coconut Sugar
- 1 TBSP Molasses
- 1 TBSP organic honey
- 2 cups Paleo Flour
- 1/2 cup Coconut Flour
- 1/2 cup Oat Flour
- 1 cup quick cooking GF oats
- 1 cup Flaxseed Meal
- 1 tsp Baking Soda
- 3 tsp Baking Powder
- ½ tsp salt
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- Mandarin Oranges with juice (23.5oz jar)
- 5 egg whites
- 2½ tsp Ground Cinnamon
- 1 tsp Ground Cloves
- 1 tsp Ground Ginger Powder
- ½ tsp Nutmeg
- ½ cup organic paleo Oil (I like Coconut or grapeseed oil)
- 2 tsp Organic Vanilla Extract
- 1 cup Golden Raisins (optional)
- 1 cup Dried Cranberries (optional)
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special note on flours
You can mix up the flours based on what you like and your allergy needs.
Sometimes I cut down the oat flour and add a ½ cup to 1 cup fast-cooking oats.
Directions:
- Preheat oven to 350 degrees
- Spray muffin pan with your favorite oil spray or use muffin papers
- Put all ingredients into large bowl
- Stir together
- Beat at high speed with electric mixer for 2 minutes or until completely mixed together
- Stir in raisins and cranberries if you want them (or blueberries!)
- Fill each muffin cup with batter – to just under filled (don’t over fill)
- Place pan on middle rack in heated oven.
- Bake for 20 to 25 minutes – check at 20 minutes (my oven takes 20)
- Put toothpick in middle of muffin and if it doesn’t come out clean, bake for another 2 to 5 min
- Don’t overbake – will still be soft to touch when done (just not sticky in middle)
- Cool for 5 to 10 minutes and then use a rubber spatula to gently remove all muffins from tin.
AND ENJOY!!
This recipe makes 18 to 24 muffins depending on size and how full you fill the muffin tins.
They are very moist – not like a dry cake muffin – and oh so yummy!
Perfect to make when you have famly coming over for a holiday or for easy breakfasts during a work week. They should keep for a week or if kept in the refrigerator.
by Margaret Dawson | Oct 31, 2019 | Margi's Musings
It’s actually Adult Geek Camp and not in the summer
I arrive in Montreal.
The cool, brisk air hits me as I disembark, and I sigh from relief. After five days in muggy Orlando, the autumn air is a relief.
I take the escalator down to immigration, and I am first in line at the new automated kiosks. After five minutes, I am done and on my way to baggage claim. Last time at this airport, it took an hour just to get through immigration. I’ve noticed this increased level of automation at several airports recently, including Heathrow just last week. It makes me happy.
I grab a cab to the nearby VIA rail station, where a group of us are meeting to travel together to camp. I enter the rail station waiting area and look around. I was hoping for a bar or restaurant. But the entire station is the size of a typical airport gate, and the only thing close to food and drink are a couple of pathetic vending machines with various flavors of potato chips, candy bars, and pop.
“Hey, are you with Bitnorth?” a man’s voice says to me, and I look up a bit surprised.
“Oh, yeah, I am,” I stutter in reply. “How did you know?”
“Uh, you look like a tech geek,” he says matter-of-factly.
“Right,” I say. I decide to take it as a complement.
We introduce ourselves. He is new to the group, but I trust the organizers believe he is “one of us.”
Appropriately, this tall, straight-postured man is complete with nerd glasses and a camo-green duffle bag.
Technology and curiosity bring us together
Within minutes, others join us in the waiting area, and hugs and reunions begin.
There is nothing obvious that ties us together physically, or so I think. Tall, short – long hair, buzz cuts – cargo shorts, jeans, and even heels. But perhaps there is an attitude. A calm confidence. A curiosity. A willingness to embrace strangers on this journey.
Soon, some 15 of us have gathered, arriving by plane, train or taxi, and we are ready to head to our destination – a camp in Mont Tremblant, Quebec, about 90 miles outside of Dorval, where the Montreal airport is located.
This will be a new location for Bitnorth, and a renewal of this once annual weekend event after a four-year hiatus. I have missed it. Perhaps more than I even know.
Bitnorth is an adult geek camp of sorts. It was founded several years ago by a man I met through the tech speaker circuit. Starting more than ten years ago, I would bump into a lot of the same people at cloud computing or tech conferences, where many of us would speak on panels together or recommend each other to the organizers. Events such as: Interop, Cloud Computing Expo, Strata, etc.
Bitnorth is an exclusive camp, I will admit. The organizers select campers based on a fairly strict set of criteria: smart, curious, open, fun, and willing to share ideas with others. And importantly, there is a ‘no asshole’ rule. Everyone at the camp shares some level of core values.
Bitnorth is my safe place. Where you can have intellectual debate and even disagreements without repercussions. Where you can cry, laugh, argue, or sit quietly and listen. Where you learn so much from the other attendees that your mind overflows, and yet, you are hungry for more.
Taking the party bus
Yes, I admit, we also party. There is never a shortage of hard liquor, wine, beer, or cider. Perhaps other legal adult substances. And so much food. Healthy, for the most part, but also bags of chips, chocolate, marshmallows, gummy bears, and other munchies. Up to you what you want to eat or drink. There are few rules other than to be fully present and to share and learn.
Appropriately, this year we are taking a school bus to our special adult summer camp. Literally, a yellow school bus. We load onto the bus with bags of drinks and food for the road trip.
Within minutes of departing, I am popping Prosecco bottles and pouring bubbly into red plastic cups as we pass glasses, french baguettes, cheese and ham around the child-sized seats that our adult-sized legs are crammed into.
Conversations soon flow as easily as the wine and beer, and I can overview discussions of public cloud infrastructure, security governance, travel, golf, new jobs, writing, and, of course, politics. Waves of laughter echo through the bus.
These campers are my tribe
Even though I don’t know most of this year’s attendees, I am confident I will feel the same as in past years. These are my people. My tribe.
For much of my life, I’ve felt different. Not quite smart enough or popular or talented or pretty enough. The input has been consistent as well. Why am I so passionate? Why do I work so hard? Why do I love technology? Why do I snort when I laugh? Why do I ask so many questions? Why do I swear?
As a woman in the tech industry, I face consistent challenges of sexism and bias, both intentional and unintentional.
Fortunately, I have learned to love my quirks, snorting, and passion through conscious effort, good friends, and thousands of dollars in therapy. But even as I have gained acceptance of who I am, it is validating and energizing to spend a couple of days where I can truly be “me”.
We hail from different parts of North America and the world – Silicon Valley, Chicago, Seattle, Montreal, Toronto, London, Amsterdam, New Orleans, and others. We are forced to disconnect from our digital lives and spend 2 ½ days with many strangers in the Canadian countryside, where we share rooms and bathrooms, sleep in sleeping bags, roast marshmallows, and present to each other.
It makes me feel just like I did when I used to go to Girl Scout camp or horse camp, where I was surrounded by other kids who wanted to hike through the woods, ride horses, read Edgar Allan Poe in the dark, and eat too many marshmallows.
And just like Girl Scout camp, where we worked hard on our badges for knot tying, compass reading, and outdoor survival, Bitnorth also has a serious side.
Every camper shares a passionate topic
This adult summer camp is sort of TEDx meets Burning Man.
In fact, everyone at Bitnorth has to give a presentation or lead an activity on something they are passionate about. It specifically is not to be a topic related to our day jobs.
It’s Saturday morning. Sleepy, hungover campers are making their way to the kitchen. I went to bed early since I’m still fighting off a cold, so I am in better shape than most. However, to be truthful, I have never been good at staying up late and drinking. Even in college.
We all fill our mugs with strong coffee from one of the two huge urns on the counter, and start munching on bagels, oatmeal, and eggs. Small groups gather and chat at the various tables in the dining area over breakfast.
Soon, we are herded into the main room to begin presentations. There are some 50 to get through, and at an average of 10 to 15 minutes each, it’s going to be a packed day.
Before I know it, I am snorting and laughing at the first presenter, who opened the event with her presentation, titled, “Is my father in the mafia?”. She is better than most stand-up comedians with her self-effacing humor and comedic timing as she weaves her tale of growing up in an Italian family that, upon reflection, nearly matched every part of the Sopranos television series.
I present on how to write and speak to engage with your audience. Lessons I learned from my writing retreat. New content from my passion project – my book and this website.
The gap in our lives that adult camp fills
Throughout the course of the day, I learned not only about the mafia, but the story of growing up in pre-WWI Europe, how we solve the world’s wicked problems, how to play frisbee golf, how to build new communities, the art of touch improvisation, secrets of addiction, the science of taste, the business of sex, nature versus nurture, the Gerasimov Doctrine, the healing power of water, Burmese muslem refugees in Bangladesh, Amelia Earhart, and so much more.
Each topic and presenter showed his or her passion, and everyone listened, cheered, and validated.
As the early afternoon transitioned to evening, our cups filled with wine and beer instead of coffee, but no one stopped listening or engaging.
“Do you find it easy to have this kind of intellectual discussion outside of BitNorth,” one man asks while we stand around the kitchen sipping our drinks.
“No,” I say at once, in harmony with about five other people who all respond in kind.
“Why is that do you think?” he asks.
“I don’t know,” I respond. “But I only had this type of community when I lived in Taiwan. There was a group of expat friends from all over the world, and we could discuss anything. It didn’t matter what side you were on; it was more about learning from each other and trying to understand the world around us. I think in the tech industry, everyone is too busy trying to be the smartest person in the room or make someone else wrong.”
“We’ve become so divided that it’s dangerous to share your point of view,” suggests another camper.
This discussion spotlights the reason I need this camp and these people in my life. There is no other place like this. Intellectual yet fun.
Why we all need our own adult camp
It makes me wish we all had a camp with people that make us feel safe and who challenge us to be better people.
Why is camp just for kids? Adults also need time to make new friends, try new challenges, learn new things, and step away from day-to-day life. Not to mention sitting around a campfire and roasting marshmallows.
As I sit in the airport lounge ready to head to Boston and a week of meetings, I feel thankful.
Thankful for my health. Thankful for global entry and airport lounges. Thankful for good food and wine. Thankful for people who make me think about new ideas and perspectives. Thankful for a husband who told me, “you have to go to Bitnorth; it’s your happy place.”
But most of all, right now, I am thankful for my weekend at adult geek camp.
by Margaret Dawson | Sep 18, 2019 | True To Yourself
I wake up confused. There is just a hint of light coming through the window amidst a cloudy, dark sky. But there’s enough light to get through the crack in my eyelids.
You see, since I was a baby I sleep with my eyes not quite closed all the way. My mom says it used to shock her because I look dead when I sleep. But for me it means the smallest bit of light can keep me from falling asleep or cause me to wake up. Like now.
What time is it? I wonder.
Then I panic. Oh shit! Am I late for a meeting?
I grab my phone from the bedside table and quickly rub my finger over the biometric panel to turn it on. 6:46.
Why didn’t my alarm go off? Wait, what day is it?
I close my eyes to get my bearings and thoughts.
It’s okay. It’s Saturday, I realize.
Exhaling a deep-held breath, I stare at the ceiling. I should get up. But I feel unmotivated to move. My body feels heavy. And I feel like I could sleep more. However, I know sleep will elude me thanks to that adrenaline burst from thinking it was a work day.
I analyze how I’m feeling. Am I depressed? I wonder.
I don’t know, since I’ve never been diagnosed with depression. But I think it must feel similar. A numbness like you wish the world would just disappear.
What happened to that jump out of bed and greet the world Margi I used to know? I ask myself.
I AM EXHAUSTED AND UNMOTIVATED
My mood has not shifted since last night, when I changed plans to go out with a friend and stayed home by myself instead. Ate pizza, drank wine, and watched two chick flicks that made me bawl my eyes out.
This heaviness has been weighing me down for weeks now.
“Get UP!” I say out loud, forcing myself out of bed.
As I stand up, I see two piles of clothes near my dresser. One dirty pile and one clean. It’s always a bad sign when I don’t have the energy to put dirty clothes in the hamper or put away the clean ones. I sigh but don’t make any attempt to pick up the clothes.
I can at least wash the sheets, I tell myself.
Stripping the sheets off the bed, I throw them in a pile near the door on my way to the bathroom. I’ll put them in the washer when I go downstairs.
I pull out the scale and stand on it to get validation that this heaviness is not just figurative. 149.9 pounds. I just stare at the number. I’ve been flirting with 150 for weeks now, somehow always managing to get it back down to 145 and then back up to just under the ominous number.
Ten pounds over my target weight. I know for 5’10”, 150 is not that big a deal, and I’m sure there are people reading this saying, “Fuck you, Margaret.” It’s all relative.
However, if you’ve been athletic and thin your whole life, then being ten or twenty pounds over weight feels like crap.
MAYBE IT’S POST-MENOPAUSAL GRAVITY
Frankly, the situation would be worse if not for the fact that I consistently eat healthy. For ten years or so, I have maintained a gluten free, mostly lactose free, paleo-ish, Bulletproof diet (okay, other than maybe the wine).
Am I perfect? No. But, I eat mostly whole, natural, organic foods, with only good fat and carbs. Accordingly, I adhere to all the politically-correct characteristics: free range, grass fed, gluten free, paleo-friendly, non-GMO, low or no sugar, and definitely no high-fructose corn syrup. Lord, I’m pretty sure a sip of that sends you straight to hell.
I look at my body in the mirror. My three ½-inch scars from my hernia surgery look red and irritated this morning, just like my mood. Other than that, it’s not horrible. Boobs are still mostly firm. My neck isn’t too wrinkled yet. Full head of hair.
But the inner critic takes over. It’s clear everything is moving down. Gravity is taking over. Plus, I am definitely getting a belly. I have that 3-months pregnant look.
Then, as I turn around to look at my body from another angle, I see the real issue. No wonder my pants are all feeling tight. My butt, love handles and hips seem to be taking on a life of their own.
I snort as I hear the lyrics to that classic Baby Got Back song in my head: “I like big butts, and I cannot lie!” Definitely more love to hold onto! Well, at least I haven’t completely lost my sense of humor.
MY LIGHT IS NOT SHINING
I need a walk on the beach to get out of the house. Breathe the salty, misty air and feel the wind in my face. Get my blood pumping.
I’ve barely left the house all week. Up at 4 a.m. every morning with 4:30 or 5 a.m. calls starting the day and then in meetings all day. Finish up 12 hours later, only to be ready for a glass of wine. Or two. It’s a vicious cycle.
Then it hits me. I have been here before. I know what this is. I’m not depressed. I’m just in one of those dark cycles. I have let my light fade. My body and mind are just like the weather outside, where the sun is just a muted soft yellow glow barely able to shine through at all – stuck behind a sky full of gray clouds.
I am not doing anything for myself to shine my light. All I’m doing is getting up, working all day, having a drink and eating dinner, and going to bed.
I know this dark period is nowhere near as bad as the first time, which culminated in me curled up in a ball on the kitchen floor crying. Little did I know at that time I was pre-menopausal and suffering from major hormone deficiency, in addition to having developed a gluten intolerance and hypothyroidism. All of which resulted in significant weight gain, inflammation, stomach issues, and lethargy. It was not a light-filled time.
HEALTH, DIET AND EXERCISE PLAY A PART
I think back to that first meeting with my naturopath, who looked shocked as he reviewed my blood test results, showing everything going on with me.
“Wow,” he said, shaking his head. Most people would not even be getting out of bed with the combination of things wrong with you,” he said. “Let alone be raising children and working 60 hours a week. No wonder you look and feel like shit.” (yeah, he was my perfect doctor soul mate.) Just imagine how great you will feel when we get all this fixed,” he assured me.
He was right. Over the following six months, I completely changed my diet, started hormone treatment, and began finding the right medicine for my thyroid. I started losing weight and gaining energy, which gave me the motivation to work out again.
That period also launched my whole mission to rediscover and shine my light, because I realized it wasn’t just physical issues that were affecting my health and outlook on life. I had lost something deeper. Something fundamental to who I am.
Since then, I’ve had these shorter, less daunting periods I call my dark episodes. They are not as dark, don’t last as long, and are easier to climb back out of.
Frankly, they are also good reminders of why we have to keep doing the hard work to be true to who we are and not let the world swallow us up.
REMEMBERING WHAT BRINGS ME JOY
I do a mental checklist of all the things I started doing again during that period of rediscovery; things that bring me joy:
- My music and singing
- Driving my mustang, a little too fast, on long drives by myself
- Writing – not for work, but for me
- Horse riding
- Spending time with girlfriends
- Hanging out with my children
- Romantic time with my husband
- Working out and feeling strong
- Walking on the beach
Then, I start thinking about which of these I am successfully doing now.
The reality? Not many.
And too few of them all.
When was the last time I took the pony out for a drive on the winding coastal highway? It’s been months.
I almost went up to the piano last night after watching a movie, but then just poured myself more wine and hit Netflix for a second film.
I did have a girl’s night out this week with a new woman friend here in town who I really like. That did help. And we both said we needed to do it more often.
My hubby and I are mostly good at remembering how to connect and discuss our relationship, but we could definitely do better. We’ve let some of the habits we learned from the Marriage Workshop we took years ago drop off. More sex always puts me in a better mood, and I know that suggestion will receive strong support from my partner.
Overall, if I’m to be honest with myself, I’m letting work consume me. With all the kids out of the house, it’s easy to let my boundaries slip.
FINDING LIGHT THROUGH INTENTIONAL ACTIONS
Most importantly, I have no set workout routine. Or a routine of any kind. Traveling 50 percent or more of the time doesn’t help.
As if I need a reminder, I look at my arms in the mirror. Not long ago, I had those amazing sculpted muscles. Not quite Michelle Obama’s arms, but some pretty sleek guns. Now, I see old lady flabby skin emerging underneath my arms. I remember telling my former personal trainer, Hector, that my goal was to never have flabby old lady arms or a sagging butt. I miss Hector. He kicked my butt in a good way, plugging into my competitive spirit, and had me doing 5 pull-ups within 3 months of training. I bet I couldn’t even do one pull-up right now.
I know I’m not the only one who’s noticed my dimmed light. Some of my team members at work have even asked me if I’m okay. My husband sees it, and I’m sure he feels it.
Okay, enough self analysis for the day, I tell myself. It’s time for action. You know what you need to do to get that light back.
First step, get dressed and get your butt outside, walking on the beach. I remind myself how blessed we are to be living on the ocean in this beautiful house.
A POWER WALK ON THE BEACH
Dressed in my ninja black waterproof sweats and jacket, I grab my neon green baseball cap to cover my bed head hair. I put in my waterproof earbuds in and find Pandora on my phone – a song from Wicked fills my head. Perfect.
This is definitely a day for my waterproof hiking shoes, as it’s been raining for two days now at the beach.
Opening the garage door, I walk outside and pull on my neoprene waterproof gloves. I start taking deep breaths as I meander across our stone path toward the beach trail, already feeling better.
The song switches to Dr Dre’s “I Need a Doctor”, which seems appropriate. The hip hop beat gets my feet moving faster and my arms pumping. By the time I reach the hard sand near the waves, I am traveling at my power walk pace.
It’s raining lightly, but the drops hitting my face are therapeutic – they are waking me up.
The beach is mostly empty except for a couple of other locals walking their dogs. I need a dog, I say in my head for the thousandth time this year. Once you stop traveling so much you can get a dog, I remind myself of the deal my husband and I have made. But every time I walk on the beach, I miss the dog I don’t have.
FINDING LIGHT TAKES HARD WORK
A new song begins, so quietly at first I don’t know what it is. But as the lyrics get louder, I smile and start singing along. Small tears escape as the words from the Greatest Showman become the truth of the moment.
From now on
These eyes will not be blinded by the lights
From now on
What’s waited till tomorrow starts tonight
Tonight
Let this promise in me start
Like an anthem in my heart
From now on
From now on
I start creating this blog post in my head and can’t wait to get home and let my fingers take over for my brain. When this happens, I usually don’t stop typing for 30 minutes, as if I’m possessed with a story that just must be released.
I return home after a four mile walk on the beach, and I am revived. But I know there is work to be done today and this week (and the rest of my life) to get my light back on the shining path.
Then, as if the universe hears my plea for help, a colleague calls me.
“I just want you to know what an incredible leader you are and what a positive impact you’ve had on me and the company,” he says.
WTF? Who says that? I think, as his words bring tears to my eyes. I am speechless. How does the universe always know what to send you when you ask for help?
While talking to him, I get text messages from two of my sons and a young woman friend in town. All of it reminds me why I am here. And then, my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home. He’s been out of town for a couple days playing golf with friends.
With silent thanks, I pour myself a strong cup of coffee, sit down at my laptop, and start writing.
LIGHT AND DARKNESS MOVE IN CYCLES
My day ends with my young girlfriend and her boyfriend coming over for a make-your-own pizza night. A favorite dinner with our own children that we haven’t done in too long.
Nurturing others always takes me out of my own head and problems. We are laughing, cooking, and eating yummy caesar salad and our own private pizzas.
As I go to bed, I lie awake listening to my husband’s snores, the waves, the wind and the rain. I take some deep breaths. I forgive myself.
Tomorrow is a new day and another chance to heal, learn, and shine.
I know I will have more dark days, weeks or months. Life happens. We are imperfect. However, I also can have more self-awareness, and not let them continue for so long. Listen to the cues around me. Watch for signs of slipping back down into the darkness.
GIVING YOURSELF PERMISSION TO SHINE
To rediscover and shine your light doesn’t just happen. It takes intentional thoughts, actions, and words. And humility – to recognize and embrace our failings.
But most importantly, it takes forgiveness of yourself and others, so you can start over, move forward, and be that person in all your glory you were meant to be.
Shine on!!
by Margaret Dawson | Sep 4, 2019 | Forgiving Yourself
CHILD POVERTY REALITY CHECK
I have seen poverty over my life, from the ghettos of Detroit and Los Angeles to the slums of Tijuana and to the homeless of Seattle. But when I moved to the Washington Coast two years ago, I discovered a hidden face of impoverished America. Children of poor, disenfranchised small-town families and Native American children on and off reservations.
It’s similar to what you read about in Hillbilly Elegy about the poor Americans in the Appalachian region, where once-booming industries, like coal mining, collapsed or moved away and nothing came in its place. In the Northwest, those industries were fishing and logging. But the result was the same. Families didn’t move when the jobs departed, they just fell into a multi-generational cycle of poverty and despair.
According to official government stats, some 20 percent of children in the United States live in poverty. That’s more than 16 million children or one in every five. What does that look like? If there are thirty kids in a classroom, then six of those children probably did not have dinner last night. Maybe not breakfast either, unless the school offered free breakfast. They may have spent the night in a shelter, or their car, or on the street.
A side effect of poverty is homelessness. Some 2.5 million children experience homelessness every year, according to the National Center on Family Homelessness. How can children possibly learn to shine their light when they have no home or stability?
THE SITUATION IS WORSE THAN THE STATS
I believe the numbers are much higher. The “official” poverty level for a family of four is about US$27,000. However, in many U.S. cities, towns and rural communities, this income doesn’t even support one person, let alone a family of four.
Therefore, there’s a huge hidden number of children living in households not officially poor but without enough money for housing, food and other basic needs.
These children don’t just miss out on three meals a day or a roof over their head or college education. A poor child risks losing his or her very childhood by living in constant fear. Will there be food in the house? Will we be able to pay the rent? And for many, they wonder, “Will I ever get out of here?” The answer for most is, unfortunately, no.
I share here two typical stories of children in my town (names and some details have been altered for privacy). Plus, I offer some ideas of what we all can do to help. I hope you will add to this.
A Child Poverty Story: Tommy
Tommy walks down the school hallway. At first glance, he looks like every other 15-year-old at this small high school. Jeans, t-shirts, converse shoes. But if you look closer, you start to see some subtle differences. Pants are too short and loose around his skinny waist. Shoes are dirty. And his eyes are searching like a hesitant doe wanting to cross the street.
Is it safe to duck into the library? Tommy questions as he scans the entire area. Most of the students are in the cafeteria, so this open, lobby area outside of the library is relatively quiet.
He walks through the main library door only to make an immediate right into an office. Walking through this cramped room, he opens another door into a back quiet area, closing the door as he enters.
There are a couple of other students there, eating lunch and scanning their phones. He puts his backpack down and grabs a bowl from the counter, ignoring the others.
Lifting the lid on the huge crock pot, he spoons some chili into his bowl. He then grabs a spoon and some bread lying next to the pot.
Maybe cornbread, he hopes, like Grams used to make.
Everyone in this room knows not to talk about this place. It’s their sanctuary. Where they can eat lunch without anyone knowing they don’t have money for lunch or that their parents never filled out the paperwork to get free lunch.
SCHOOL ANGELS TRYING TO HELP
Mrs. Smith pops her head in, and when she sees the three children, she steps inside and closes the door behind her. Mrs. Smith is a homeless advocate and student counselor. It is not part of her job description to feed these children. But she rallied a group of volunteers in this small coastal community to make sure there is a hot meal every school day in the room behind her office.
“How’s everybody doing today?” she asks.
Teenage grunts greet her in response.
“Is the chili good?” she asks, “I haven’t had time to try any yet. Mrs. McClaron made it just for you,” she adds.
“Could be spicier,” Tommy jokes. “Or maybe we could get some hot sauce for the room, since I know not everyone has my spicy mouth.” He gives Mrs. Smith his large white-toothed grin, blowing wisps of shoulder-length black hair that slipped onto his face as he looked up.
“That’s a good idea,” Mrs. Smith smiles as she validates his simple idea.
Tommy is one of the lucky ones, she thinks, as she watches this beautiful Native American boy eat his lunch.
His mom works two jobs to pay the rent and give him the basics. She adores him – she knows by how his mom looks at her son. Before she died, his grandma lived with them, too, and helped take care of him. There’s no dad in the picture. She brainstorms silently about any potential man she could get to mentor him. She should probably ask one of the tribal advisors.
But at least there are no drugs or alcohol, and they have a place to live. Sure, not a lot of food in the kitchen or extra money for clothes, but a loving, safe home.
MANY POOR CHILDREN DEAL WITH MORE THAN MONEY ISSUES
Unlike Madison, who’s sitting on the green, worn couch across the room from Tommy.
Her dad is an alcoholic and appears to be constantly stoned. He supposedly can’t work because of some injury for which he draws a disability pension every month. However, that never seems to keep him from volunteering at the Elks Club in exchange for free booze. Her mom is either in jail or a mental hospital – Mrs. Smith has never been able to get the full story.
Madison lives in a beat-up house on one of the canals that needs painting and a new roof. She works more than 20 hours a week at the coffee shop just to pay the rent so they don’t get evicted. She’d work more if she could, but 20 hours is the max allowed while going to school.
One more year, Mrs Smith thinks. I just need to get her through one more year of school.
Madison is a junior. The counselor wants to make sure this smart girl graduates from high school. After that, who knows, but at least she wouldn’t add high school drop out to the long list of barriers to breaking the poverty cycle.
SCHOOLS ARE OFTEN FILLING THE GAPS
“By the way, there are some volunteers here today in The Closet with a bunch of clothes for Prom. So, if you don’t have a dress or suit to wear, you can go in there and see what they have in your size,” she encourages them, knowing none of the children in this room have clothes to wear to the prom. “And a bunch of the clothes are brand new or barely worn.”
The Closet is a back room behind the school office. It’s where the kids can go find a pair of jeans, a shirt, or a jacket in the winter, as well as basic toiletries and other supplies. It’s managed by volunteers who are constantly asking and searching for clothes and shoes for the some 200 kids at this school who live in poverty.
Some of the kids only go to The Closet out of desperation, like the 17-year-old girl whose jeans ripped apart during the day because they were at least a size too small. Like any poor child, she didn’t want to bring attention to herself or her situation. Fortunately, she found a pair of pants that fit, and the volunteer recommended a sweater her size, too, since it was chilly that day.
“Oh, and the Elks club is donating a bunch of prom tickets, so you don’t have to worry about that either,” she adds casually. Prom tickets are $25 per person, so this takes away another hurdle for these students.
A Child Poverty Story: Madison
I meet Madison at the coffee shop in town where she works. The high school counselor introduced us over Facebook when I asked her if there was a family we could sponsor for Christmas.
Every year for as long as I can remember, we have sponsored a family in need, buying gifts and dinner for the family. When my kids were young, we’d try to help a family who had children around the same age, so my children could really participate and pick out gifts a peer would like.
But this year with no children left at home and having moved to a new town, I wasn’t sure how we would find someone. Fortunately (or unfortunately), the school had plenty of families in need.
Madison walks toward the table where I’m sipping coffee, waiting for her to get off work. I quickly scan this young beauty. Skinny. Long, curly, auburn hair straight out of the Brave movie, big dramatic eyes, and skin as pale and translucent as the moon.
I stand up. “Madison? I ask. She nods, but makes no sound.
“I’m Margaret. Mrs. Smith introduced us, and I think told you about me?” I offer as a starting point.
“Yeah,” she responds.
I notice she is quivering, like that nervous chihuahua my girlfriend owns.
“Is now still a good time?” I ask
“Sure, it’s fine,” she says, and sits down on a chair across from me.
IT TAKES TIME TO BUILD TRUST
I open my notebook and start asking simple questions, hoping if we just stick to facts maybe it won’t be so scary for her.
“Tell me about your family and what you think they’d like for Christmas,” I say to her.
For the next thirty minutes, we go through each person in her family. Her father, her sister, her nephew, her mom who doesn’t live with them but she will come to their house for Christmas, and her boyfriend. Each one, I ask her what they like to do or if there was something they would really love to get as a Christmas gift.
By the end, she is looking me in the eye and the nervous shaking has stopped. It takes all my control to not just wrap her in my arms and hold her, but she’s not a little child, and she’s not my child, even though I can tell she needs some mama loving.
It’s getting late, and she has homework and school tomorrow, so we agree to talk again in a couple of days to figure out when to go shopping in town where there’s a big Walmart.
“Do you need a ride home,” I ask.
“Um . . . sure. Okay,” she slowly answers.
We get in my car, and as I drive out of the parking lot, I follow my gut instinct that is telling me she is hungry.
POOR CHILDREN RARELY GET TO JUST BE “KIDS”
“Have you had dinner?” I ask.
“No, they don’t give us any food at work really,” she explains.
“Do you have stuff at home for dinner?” I prod gently.
She shrugs.
“Well, I need to stop at the grocery store and get a couple things, so why don’t you come with me and we’ll get some chicken and salad or something good for dinner,” I offer.
“Okay, that would be nice,” she says.
We get enough grilled chicken and pre-made salad for dinner for everyone at home. With more prodding, she admits there is nothing for breakfast either, so we pick out some yogurt, milk, cereal, bananas, and eggs.
Every question I ask is followed by a long silence and a shrug, which I’m learning means “yes” in her silent language.
I drive her home and help her carry the bags into the house. As soon as she opens the door, I am hit with an overwhelming potpourri of cat urine, pot smoke and a smell I can only describe as despair.
This was the first of many times we would go grocery shopping together, which felt like a drop in the bucket of what she needs. But as advocates will tell you, these children have parents or guardians, and you need to walk a fine line in helping them.
Maybe I can’t save her. But I can at least feed her and hug her.
WHAT CAN WE DO FOR THESE CHILDREN?
Child poverty is not sexist, racist or ageist. It impacts all parts of society. But some sectors of America are hit harder. The highest poverty rate by race is found among Native Americans at nearly 28% (some say 40%), followed by African Americans (26%), Hispanics (23%), Whites (12%), and Asians (12%).
Often, children’s welfare and poverty becomes a political issue. But this is not about politics, and I don’t care what side of the aisle you are on or if you are a-political. This is about investing in the future, and giving all children a chance to reach their full potential.
It’s impossible for these children to shine their true light, when they don’t even have enough food to eat.
Regardless of geography or race, all children have the same basic needs. Food, housing, clothes, school supplies, and the hardest of them all, unconditional love.
7 IDEAS FOR MAKING A DIFFERENCE
I am not an expert in poverty of child welfare. So my ideas here are probably just scratching the service, but I do believe there are small ways we can all help these children. Maybe if we each changed the lives of one child, we could stop, or at least slow down, the cycle of poverty and welfare.
1. Donate to your local school or charity:
Many school districts now have foundations to funnel private money into public institutions. If your district does not, find out how to help school children in your area by contacting school counselors or principals, or work through local charities focused on children. For example, my town has a free lunch program for children, completely managed by volunteers and donations. One of the easiest ways to help is to donate food or money to your local food bank!
2. Donate to a national nonprofit focused on poor children:
There are many great organizations that serve children in need, such as Save the Children, Feed the Children, and many others.
3. Sponsor children or a family for a holiday:
Most schools, churches and other religious groups help organize gift giving over special holidays, like Christmas or Hanukkah. Serving as a secret Santa or sponsoring a family gives these children one day where they can be a kid and hopefully feel spoiled. I sometimes took the mother shopping, so the gifts were more personal, and she could buy food she knew how to cook.
4. Volunteer your time and expertise:
Even if you have zero money to donate, you can make a big difference in the life of a child. Many schools love having volunteers help with projects or special topics, from math to computer science to cooking. Or you can really focus on impacting a child by becoming a big sister or brother. I did this when I lived in Detroit right out of college. While I achieved my main goal of helping my little sister graduate high school and not getting pregnant, I think I learned more about myself and the realities of life. I’ll never forget what her father once told me, when I offered to help him get a job. “Don’t try to save me because I don’t need saving, just be a great role model and big sister to my daughter,” he said.
5. Tutor or coach:
Helping all children finish high school and go on to a trade school, community college, or university would break the cycle and help not only that child but his or her family. If you can help tutor a child to help them graduate or improve their scores on the SAT, you could be changing their life. Also, many adults have coached sports teams or individual athletes and given personal attention and encouragement to the children involved. Many children have had coaches who changed their lives.
6. Hire teenagers (or adults) at risk:
If you are a business owner, think about how you can make a difference in your local community. Many teenagers need to work to help pay the bills and put food on the table. But you can not only give someone a job, you can be a role model and help them see a future. While a minimum wage job may not be the answer long term, many organizations promote and train young people and give them a career.
7. Sponsor a child’s education:
If you do have the financial ability to give more, you could set up a college fund or scholarship for underprivileged children. Most universities and colleges have programs, or you can also establish a 529 fund for a specific child to cover college fees.
What ideas do you have to help everyone make a difference?
Would love to hear your stories and suggestions.
by Margaret Dawson | Aug 21, 2019 | Parenting With Transparency
The Mother’s Day Incident
“Mommy, I have to show you something,” my five-year-old son bursts into the kitchen, where I am starting to chop broccoli. His skinny body is shaking with excitement, and he is grinning as if it’s Christmas morning and he’s ready to start ripping open presents under the tree.
“Okay, honey.” I put down my knife. “Do you need to show me right now or can it wait until after dinner? I’m making your favorite spicy stir fry with beef and broccoli.”
“No,” he says emphatically. “I have to show you now. I’m too excited.”
“Okay,” I say again. And turn to face this sweet boy.
“I know Mother’s Day isn’t til Sunday, but I really want to show you this now. We made family books. I drew our whole family myself, and then I cut out pictures from magazines, and I wrote some nice things in the book,” he explains as he holds up a stapled book of colored construction paper that says “My Family Book” on the cover in big Kindergarten, crayoned words.
“Actually, I want to show you now, because I’m giving it to Lynn for Mother’s Day,” he says. “I think it will help her feel more like part of the family,” this innocent child explains.
Lynn is the stepmother for my two youngest sons. She started dating my ex-husband a couple of years ago. She adores my boys, and they love her right back. Just as it should be.
But at this second, I’m not thinking about how lovely she is.
What I’m thinking is, WTF?
Seriously? We are now worried if the stepmom is feeling like part of the fucking family? What about the biological mother? Who fairly frequently now gets called the fucking aunt when we are all together.
Remembering you are the grown-up
I pull myself together, quickly, hopefully not giving away my disappointment, and yes, let’s be honest, my jealousy.
Deep breath.
“You are my sweet boy,” I say, calling him the nickname I have used since he was born. He is always thinking of others, wanting everyone to be happy, and always quick with a smile that charms ladies of all ages.
“Don’t worry, mommy,” he assures me, sensing my mood shift. “I made you a card.”
A card. I get a fucking card. And the stepmother gets the Family Book. Okay, I can handle this.
“Lynn is going to love this book,” I assure him. “You did a great job.”
This little boy runs out of the kitchen with his grin still shining. Meanwhile, I grab my most expensive bottle of Cabernet out of the wine cabinet. I now need a large glass before I start cooking dinner.
A Saturday soon after the Mother’s Day Incident
It is a glorious afternoon in Bellevue, Washington. Unfortunately, I am not enjoying this 75-degree, sunny day on my deck or on Lake Washington. Instead, I am at a tee-ball game for our youngest son.
If you have never been to a tee-ball game, consider yourself lucky. It is pre-baseball, where a dozen four and five-year-olds stand around picking grass or their noses, or both. Once in a while, someone catches a ball or throws it in the right direction. Imagine watching paint dry. Only slower.
There is no pitcher. The baseball (a soft, squishy version) is put on the “tee,” and the batter is supposed to swing the bat straight at the ball to hit it.
However, despite the fact that the ball does not move, it takes most of these little players up to a dozen swings to hit the ball. There are no strikes. There are no outs. Everybody gets to run around the bases. When the batter does hit the ball, every single fielder runs toward it, often causing collisions, fights, and tears. Meanwhile, the batter is running the bases toward home as if he had just hit a grand slam at Fenley Park.
My ex-husband is coaching our son’s team, so Lynn (the stepmother) and I are sitting next to each other in our matching blue sports chairs near third base. I look at her travel mug in the cup holder. Probably hot tea, not alcohol, I ponder.
I almost filled mine with coffee, but somehow ended up with rum and coke.
Don’t judge. A mom has to do what she does to survive youth sports. Don’t even get me started on my survival tactics for soccer games in the rain.
The Legend of the Lesbian Moms
One of the dads comes up and stands right in front of our chairs, partially blocking our view of the field.
“Hi there,” he bursts out with the enthusiasm and volume of a cheerleader on a Friday night. “I’m Tom! I’m Zach’s dad.”
Oh god; Zach. Probably short for Zachery. It’s one of those cool names everyone is giving their boys. Or is there some biblical reference here that we’re supposed to infer?
“Hi,” I say in my sweet mom’s voice. “I’m Margaret, and I’m William’s mom. And this is Lynn, Will’s other mom,” I explain.
“Hi there,” Lynn says, putting her hand over her eyes to block the sun in her eyes, so she can see Tom.
He is staring at us with a slightly perplexed look on his face. And then he shakes himself out of his trance.
“Oh, that’s great. Good for you. Totally cool. Really, just great,” he stammers, clearly flustered.
WTF is he going on about? I wonder.
“Ok, well great to meet you both, really, just great.” He continues, quickly sprinting away.
Lynn and I look at each other with absolute confusion.
“What was that?” she asks.
“I have no idea,” I respond. “Probably just the same old shock that we are sitting next to each other, because we are supposed to hate each other,” I guess.
“He thinks you’re lesbian moms,” our eight-year-old son blurts out, sovling the mystery. “Obviously,” this beyond-his-years, smart boy states.
“Oh my god,” we say almost in unison. And break into laughter.
“That is awesome,” I say.
“We should totally play that up,” Lynn says.
“Please don’t,” says our son.
16 Years Later at College Graduation
I am sitting at the far end of the table next to Lynn. Our elder son, Dawson, is sitting next to us. Our husbands, my current husband and my ex-husband, are at the other end of the table, sitting next to the graduate. Family and friends fill in the rest of the dozen seats. We are in Fort Collins to celebrate William’s college graduation from Colorado State University.
It is a proud mama moment for both of us.
“We did good,” I say to Lynn.
“Yeah, we did,” she agrees. “I guess the dads did okay, too. Not as good as us, but not bad.”
We chortle.
We are eating at our favorite FoCo restaurant, the Blue Agave. It’s a family favorite. It’s a tradition to eat here whenever we are in town, and all four parents are in town together at least once or twice a year.
Lynn and I both love that we can get gluten free food easily at the restaurant, and good red wine. I don’t remember when she started doing gluten free. It was after me, but not long. We are the same age, so it’s not surprising we both hit a pre-menopausal gluten issue.
The waiter arrives to take our drink order.
Lynn and I are discussing the wine menu. My arm is around the back of her chair, and our heads are close together as we both squint through our reading glasses to decipher the small print.
The legend and relationship continue
“We’re going to get a bottle of this red blend,” I say as I point to a specific bottle on the wine list.
“How many glasses?” the waiter asks.
“Oh, probably three; I’m sure our son will want a glass with dinner even though he’s going to start with a Margarita, right?” I suggest as I nod my head toward Dawson.
“If there’s any left for him,” Lynn jokes. And we both laugh.
“That’s great,” says the waiter. “Good for you.”
Good for us? What, that we’re sharing wine with our son? I wonder. Or maybe we picked out a really good bottle of wine.
As the server walks to the other side of the table, our son looks at us while shaking his head. “Would you two stop playing up the lesbian mom thing!”
Ah that’s what he meant by good for us. Once again.
“Never!” we both exclaim, laughing harder.
A friend of the family sitting down at the other end of the table is looking at Lynn and me with absolute consternation.
“Are you two always like this?” she asks, with her forehead crinkled in concern, clearly wondering why we are both sitting next to each other and getting along so well.
“Yep! Sometimes worse,” I confirm.
“I guess everyone should be like that,” she admits, speaking of our parenting situation.
Yes, they should.
The best other mother I could ask for
I can’t imagine life without this other woman. This stepmother. She carried on my dreams and hopes for my children when I wasn’t there. She made sure they ate their broccoli and wore clean clothes and got to school on time.
This stepmom loves our boys with all her heart. She is a good mom, and a great wife. I knew the moment I met her she was a much better match for my ex-husband.
I should clarify that our relationship did not come without work. We had our issues and conflicts. But we worked through them. I will always be thankful to my ex-husband for our ability and agreement to separate our relationship from our parenting. We learned to put our parenting, and our children, first.
For example, rules were the same at both houses. We talked every day, so the boys couldn’t play us off each other. Also, we made sure to only speak positively about the other parent in front of the boys. Family decisions were made together, as a family.
Teachers were often shocked when we would show up for teacher conferences together. When Lynn joined the parenting team, she also came to the teacher conferences. We were told many times that this was not the norm for divorced parents.
Growing up, our boys thought my ex and I were good friends and just didn’t like being married to each other. We were best friends before we got married, and I’m happy to say today that I consider him a good friend again.
A lot of that is due to his wife and my children’s stepmother, Lynn.
A STEPMOTHER IS A MOM
I became much more understanding of her position when I became a stepmom myself to my husband’s children. It forced me to constantly see two sides of every experience and story, as now I could completely relate to her position.
Being a stepmom is hard. Your love is no less than that of a biological parent. But everyone second guesses you.
People often assume you broke up the marriage or that you love your biological children more than your “adopted” children.
Films and fairy tales love to paint the stepmom as evil or wicked, even capable of murder. Stepmother’s are jealous, vicious creatures out to keep the father all to themselves and steal the family fortune, if we are to believe these myths and legends.
But most stepmothers and stepfathers are far from evil. In fact, most are trying to be a good parent and spouse just like everyone else. They are trying to love their children, regardless of who birthed them. I love ALL my babies. I am proud to be their stepmother and their mother.
Families come in many shapes and sizes. My wish for the world is to stop expecting mothers or fathers to look, act, or be a certain way. Two moms, two dads, no parents, single parents. Everyone just doing the best job they can to help their children, and each other.
With the boys now on their own, Lynn and I don’t see each other very often. It’s a big change from when the boys were young, when we had weekly if not daily interactions at school, sports, or other activities. It was amazing how sometimes it took all four of us to manage the boys’ schedules.
MOTHERS SUPPORTING EACH OTHER
Today, we both miss having our boys close to us. We both give motherly advice, and worry about girlfriends, or wonder when we will have grandchildren. She continues to bake her famous Monster Cookies that are the boys’ favorite treat. Last year, I hosted Thanksgiving for us all at our new house on the coast.
I think our sons are better having both of us in their lives.
The other day, Lynn texted me, telling me how she’d had a bad day and went on my website looking for inspiration.
“Hey there! Just wanted to say thank you. I needed a pick me up today. Just finished listening to your interview on fierce feminine leadership, and it was awesome. Love that you’re doing this. Thank you for inspiring people every day”
Reading this, I stopped breathing. And then, started crying.
This woman could easily hate me or at most tolerate me, and no one would blame her. Instead, Lynn is one of my greatest fans. She is always giving me positive, validating feedback on what I’m doing. This is truly a woman intentionally supporting another woman.
I inspire her?
She amazes me.
I have watched her embrace and learn a new career, working her ass off going to school while working full time. I have watched her grow into this amazing woman and mother.
After 20 years of sharing and parenting these boys, we are now friends.
No, we are family.
From one evil stepmom to another, thank you.
You are a gift.
by Margaret Dawson | Aug 14, 2019 | Margi's Musings
“Hello beautiful, happy Friday,” I say as Connie’s face appears on our Zoom video conference call.
As usual, her beautiful white-blond hair is flowing around her face. I don’t see Dolby, but I assume he’s lying somewhere nearby, his bulky Golden Retriever body in happy slumber. It looks like a sunny day in Montana from the light around the camera.
“Hello, and back at ya beautiful,” she chirps. “How are you?”
I know she really means it. Not like those people who say, “How are you?” and before I can even answer, they are ten feet away not even waiting for me to respond.
“I am exhausted,” I admit. “I’ve been up since 3:30 am for a 4am call with Europe.”
I’m at my work-from-home desk, where I’ve been sitting for most of the past 11 hours, other than to get up and pee, or grab coffee or food. What I really need is a walk on the beach, but it’s Friday, and we have a lot to cover in our weekly marketing meeting. So, instead of a walk, I have a glass of red wine in front of me.
“But I’m fine,” I say, knowing from experience that these end of the week calls with Connie usually energize me and make me feel better.
“How are you doing?” I ask.
As typical, we are both wearing our matching anti-glare computer glasses. We don’t say it, but we admire the girl geek in each other.
“Good!” she says.
We exchange a few personal updates, before getting down to business.
COLLABORATION COMES CRASHING DOWN
“Should we dive into our metrics?” I ask.
We’re trying to use data across the many tools tracking our web and social media initiatives, like RivalIQ, Google Analytics, Facebook Insights, etc. Sometimes, we get lost and spend two hours just wading through data. We are both data geeks.
However, today, we don’t start with data. There’s a bigger issue we both know we should talk about first. And that’s Facebook. It’s just that neither of us wants to ruin the moment.
The Facebook incident started earlier in the week, when our discussion in the comments section of our shared Google Doc went from uncomfortable to borderline nasty. This is the doc where we track our weekly priorities. Usually, it really helps with collaboration.
Not this time. This chat didn’t follow our normal back and forth. In fact, we stopped collaborating, and we both went on a strong offense, pushing each other into defensive mode.
“What happened to Facebook? I can’t access admin stuff anymore.” I wrote in a comment.
“What are you talking about?” Connie replied in the doc. “I didn’t do anything.”
A day later, she wrote: “Something changed when you set up our SNOL business account, and now my personal business account is messed up big time.”
“I haven’t touched Facebook in three weeks since I set up the account. You have been doing the FB ads lately,” I countered.
Fast forward to now and our face-to-face video chat. Instantly, without catching ourselves, we’re diving back into the blame game. Finger Pointing. NOT Supporting. Not like us.
FACEBOOK UPDATES TORE US APART
“Something happened when you set up the ads – I shouldn’t have had to give you my credit card again.” My frustration is apparent with my opening salvo.
“This is why I manage my other client’s Facebook accounts through my own business account,” she explains with an undercurrent of passive aggression.
10 years and 1800 ads, and I’ve never had an issue until now, Connie thinks.
“Well, then you should have advised that before I set up the account,” I quip back.
I’m pretty sure I did advise that! Connie fires back in her mind.
“And, when I set up the business account, everything was fine,” I defend myself.
“It’s not fine. Not only can I not do anything on the SNOL account, but now my business and personal accounts are completely messed up,” she says with frustration.
“She’s supposed to be the f*cking social media expert,” I’m thinking.
“When will she realize who she’s working with? I learned from Mari Smith, and Gary Vaynerchuck follows me on twitter!” Connie thinks simultaneously
Our conversation is sliding into dangerous territory.
With a flash of self-awareness, I realize I am not using my Crucial Conversations practices. So, I breathe deep and attempt to start over.
“Let’s go into Facebook and look together.”
FACEBOOK’S BAD UX UNITES US
We go to our SnortOutLoud business manager page. Everything looks different. For example, where are our business settings or our admin roles? Where the f*ck is anything anymore? It’s like landing on an alien planet without even knowing we left Earth.
Strangely, Connie’s personal email is now somehow associated with our SnortOutLoud page, and I am not a business manager or admin at all anymore.
Let me clarify something here. We are both seasoned social media pros who know what we’re doing, and none of this is making any sense AT ALL. WTF did Facebook do?
“There it is,” Connie is pointing to the screen. “Click on the Business Settings tab in the far upper right corner.”
“Who the f*ck did this user experience?” I sigh with serious frustration. “You never put a major action button in the far upper right corner. And you don’t make it BLUE!”
Finally, after 10 minutes of flailing around the business account interface, a “pop up” appears neither of us has seen before.
It informs us that Facebook has changed the business manager experience to make it better and easier to use.
I read out loud the sentence in the middle of the pop-up: “People in your business account have automatically been given permissions that match their previous roles.”
“What the…???” we say in unison, breaking into laughter. And relief.
“Oh my god, Facebook randomly decided how to assign us roles? And which emails to put on which accounts? And who should do what?” we ask in absolute disbelief.
And once again, just like that, we’re unified.
REPAIRING THE DAMAGE
“But, we didn’t get any warning,” Connie says. “No email, no message . . . they just update the UX and everyone’s roles and permissions without telling us?” Are you kidding me? That’s such a Facebook thing to do.”
“Looks like it,” I confirm, shaking my head.
“Oh my god, I am so sorry,” I say, feeling guilty.
“I’m sorry, too. I was totally blaming you,” Connie admits.
“I can’t believe we were ready to kill each other and were both SO positive the other person had totally messed up our Facebook account.” I whine.
“So much for women intentionally supporting other women,” Connie smirks.
“Good one,” I admit
“You should totally write a blog on this,” Connie suggests.
“Maybe I will,” I say.
For the next 45 minutes, we attempt to navigate this new “experience.”
We figure out how to make each of us a “business manager.”
I find the page that enables us to assign permissions or access rules for different parts of our account. Facebook has introduced something called an “Asset.”
“What the hell is an asset,” Connie asks
“Well, it appears an Asset can be a page, a post, an ad, or anything we do on Facebook business,” I hypothesize.
We get a bunch of areas fixed, but personal and business information are still mingled together.
TROUBLESHOOTING FACEBOOK ISSUES
“Maybe we need to log me out on both of our computers, and then log back in separately with our personal authentication? Somehow I think we are both logged in as me.” I try to troubleshoot.
“Sure, try that.” Connie coaches.
There’s a button that says “Leave Margaret” on the business manager page.
“Did an Australian write this?” I quip. “Does this mean, like, Margaret is now leaving the account. Or does it mean Log Out Margaret.”
We assume the latter.
Nope. We are wrong. By clicking on the “Leave Margaret” button, I receive a pop up asking if I’m sure. I am not sure, so I decide to click “Dismiss”.
Dismiss somehow did not mean cancel. Instead, Facebook completely erased “Margaret” from our business account! Wait…wha…what???
“Holy shit, that can’t be right. No warning, nothing. Just click Leave Margaret, and I’m erased from the account,” I say in total disbelief. But I hit “Dismiss”, I cry out.
“That’s SO Facebook! It’s not you!” says Connie, coming to my defense. “Facebook is Facebook. It feels like they don’t beta test the user experience before pushing out an awful solution to a problem that didn’t exist.”
Seriously, “Leave Margaret”? Not, remove Margaret from this account? Or, do you want to erase Margaret from every piece of this business account, so she is banned from all activities? Nope, just “Leave”.” I mean seriously…who does this?
“Okay, let’s start over.” As our only business manager left, she is able to re-invite me to be a business manager of MY account.
By the end of our lengthier than normal meeting, we resolve most of the issues, other than Connie’s email is still wrong.
IT’S NOT JUST US
In doing research after this weekly meeting debacle, I find only a couple of articles explaining the new user interface. I do learn Facebook launched the new experience during the exact period of time Connie and I descended into Facebook “mean girl” land.
According to an article in Digital Information World, the Facebook team wrote a blog post on this exciting update: “We’re always working to improve our advertising solutions and business tools, and as part of this effort, we’re introducing a new design and navigation in Business Manager that will make it easier and faster to manage assets and permissions across our platforms.”
However, I looked for this blog post via multiple searches within Facebook’s site and on Google, but I could not find the source of this quote nor any blog on this new update.
The author of the article in DIW also reported that the Facebook team “tested” these design and navigation updates. Really? With whom did they test these updates? They sure as hell didn’t give the average small business any heads up.
It could be just us. Search Engine Journal, had a short article stating: “With a new design and navigation, users should find it easier to manage assets and permissions in Business Manager going forward.” Uh, did anyone at the SEJ actually attempt to manage a business account before writing this lovely review?
It isn’t just the Business Manager interface pissing off users. Many clients trying to use Facebook’s ad network are fuming!
“Ads Manager is crashing with regularity, according to interviews with numerous advertisers. The outages, which can last for hours at a time and make it impossible to start a new ad campaign or manage an existing one, seem to happen every month,” according to a Bloomberg article.
LEARN FROM OUR MISTAKES
So what can we all learn from this exercise? Here are a few takeaways and learnings Connie and I had from this experience.
1. Don’t jump to conclusions!
2. Don’t blame another person without all the facts. Assume good intent!
3. User experience is a REALLY big deal, and your users really CARE about the interface.
4. Change is hard, so take more time than you should to explain changes to your customers.
5. Changes done poorly really piss off your customers and threaten to directly impact your retention and revenue.
6. Friendships and business relationships are more important than Facebook (or any social network).
The user experience for an application, whether social media or enterprise, needs to be put first, not last, in the product development cycle. Too often, we focus on the cool new feature or capability, and then back into how the user will interface or experience the new feature.
I am sure Facebook engineers and product managers had absolute best intentions. They want to make their products better for customers. However, sometimes we get too close to our product, and we lose sight of how customers really experience our technology.
I’ve seen many companies ignore some customer input because they judged those customers as “not very smart” or “not really our core target group.”
The truth is it shouldn’t matter. If a user interface is really doing its job, someone with zero technical background and NOT in your target audience should be able to figure it out.
WE ARE STILL USING FACEBOOK
In spite of all of this, we are still on Facebook, trying to navigate this new world, build our follower base, and hopefully, help change the world for the better with our posts about light, empowerment, and the occasional F-bomb.
Apparently, we (and thousands of others) are so addicted and dependent on social media networks that we can’t afford to build a business or a brand without them. Both Facebook and Instagram, which is owned by Facebook, are helping businesses build clientele and brands.
For example, one handyman business I know in my hometown does not have a website, and it doesn’t need one, because the recommendations and personal reviews on Facebook bring in more business than they can handle.
For many businesses, you must balance a group of social media networks – Twitter, Facebook, YouTube, Instagram, Pinterest, and others. All to reach customers or followers in different ways be it via stories, videos, photos, or details of your services.
However, not all small businesses or services companies have people who understand technology and/or social media. I think if this took two tech-savvy women two hours to troubleshoot, how is the average business owner managing this?
THE REAL TAKE AWAY
The real takeaway is how quickly two women nearly crashed a loving relationship. And these are women committed to supporting each other’s dreams and aspirations, and who deeply respect each other’s capabilities.
In a moment where we could not do our work and nothing seemed right, we turned on each other, making it personal. Instead, we should have assumed good intent, and blamed the technology, rather than the person.
Supporting another woman takes more than a proclamation. It takes constant self-awareness of our thoughts and actions. Intentional support requires us to slow down, analyze the situation, and maintain a positive approach, even in times of stress.
We have both committed to working harder to learn from this experience, so we don’t repeat it.
But let’s be honest, Facebook really did f*ck-up this recent update.
