My only thought as I walk to my locker is how much my mouth hurts. This new orthodontist added springs over my vampire teeth and gave them a good tightening.
The springs are working. I can feel my heartbeat in my mouth. Chewing cereal is torture. Eggs tomorrow, I think.
My head is down, and I’m counting the cracks in the cement. The beige metal lockers barely stand out against the standard California institution stucco walls.
I arrive at my locker and turn the lock to the first number, 33. I’m concentrating on my lock, so I hear them before I see them.
“Doggy Dawson. Doggy Dawson.” The chant begins.
“Hey spidey legs, how did you escape from your web?”
Laughter.
“How’s it going stilts? Nice floods.”
I close my eyes, hoping they’ll disappear in the blackness. As I open my eyes, I’m staring at my pant legs. Floods. They do not make pants for 13-year-old girls who are 5 foot 8 inches tall and 110 pounds soaking wet.
Don’t even get me started on the Ditto Jeans all the cute, short, round-butted girls are wearing. I bought a light-blue pair last month, using all of my babysitting money.
Now I’ll fit in, I told myself, ignoring the fact they didn’t really fit when I tried them on.
But they were still too short even after letting out the hem. Then, with a flash of inspiration, I sewed more material to the bottom of the pant legs. However, like every other time I think I’m doing the right thing, this one also failed miserably. Not only did the popular horseshoe design hang off my skinny butt, but the 3-inch band of material sewn along the hem looked ridiculous, giving my tormentors more ammunition.
Tall and Skinny
I’ve always been tall for my age. But I grew 6 inches over the last year, going from 5’2” to 5’8” in a matter of months. Not only do I have “chicken legs” – another favorite taunt – but my legs don’t work right much of the time.
The doctor says my bones are growing faster than my muscles. The result is: I fall down. One minute I’m walking along fine, and the next, my groin muscle gives out, and I collapse to the ground. I never know when it’s going to happen.
Often, afterwards, I can’t walk for a few hours or, sometimes, for a few days. Last summer at horse camp, my bunk mates carried me around for two days until I could put pressure on my groin again. It’s particularly annoying when it happens during a softball game. Try running bases with a separated groin muscle. My coach put in a pinch runner for me during our last game. But at least I hit the ball hard enough to get on base.
It’s even worse when my knee pops out of its socket. That one hurts more than my groin issue. Only thing to do is snap my leg straight out as fast as I can to pop it back into place. A process during which I scream like bloody hell and drop swear words a 13-year-old shouldn’t even know. I learned all parts of this technique from my dad.
With Braces and Zits
I wasn’t bad looking up through 6th grade. But full on puberty has taken over every part of my body since moving to our posh new suburb of Long Beach, California. (Yeah, this is a good year for my dad’s job. We even have a swimming pool.)
I hoped the 8th grade was going to be a good year.
On top of puberty and my growth spurt came braces. And if things were bad enough, along came acne. Not just those little pimples some kids get on their foreheads. These zits are red, angry, and out for revenge. And sometimes I get these deeply painful pimples, my sister Maureen and I call them “bo bos” – as in BoBo the Clown. Because they feel like that big red nose he wears.
Bo bos never head up – they remain deep volcanic tumors that hurt when you move. Even full-strength Benzoyl Peroxide cream doesn’t heal them, and there is no makeup that will cover them. When I get a bo bo, I don’t want to leave the house.
I just want to cover my face in zit cream and stay under the covers.
My mother says it’s just an “awkward stage” everyone goes through, and reminds me how beautiful I am on the inside.
Oh, yeah, that always makes me feel MUCH better.
Awkward Stage is an Understatement
Clearly, my mom has never seen Lita Lipana. She is a goddess. Her mother is caucasion and her dad is Filipino, and somehow this mixture of DNA created children who look molded out of Adonis. Every one of the children, and there are like 6 of them, are beautiful creatures.
Lita has long silken, almost black hair. Big eyes, with the most amazing eyelashes. Golden tan skin that glows. What 13-year-old’s skin glows? And her figure is perfect. Ditto jeans look amazing on her. The boys drool when she walks by.
For the record, Lita is always nice to me, which somehow makes her even more goddess like. If she was horrible to pathetic creatures like me, I could hate her. But I like her. She’s fucking perfect.
I have friends by the way. We’re not the popular kids, in case you hadn’t figured that out. But we hang out. We do homework together. We talk about boys we are in love with.
Most days, we lay around Jessica’s purple bedroom and listen to music on the radio. I love to sing along, especially when Captain and Tenille’s Shop Around comes on: “My mama told me you better shop around!” We argue whether Paul McCartney and Wings are good or not. I’m a Beatles purist, but Jessica loves “Silly Love Songs.” I admit it has a nice melody and is easy to sing along to.
And of course, we eat junk food, even though the dermatologist says it will make my acne worse. Not sure that’s possible. But the dermo isn’t taking away my Snickers bars. Although the caramel and peanuts get stuck in my braces. At least I don’t eat the fake orange Doritos my girlfriends pounce on.
Feeling Like an Outsider
The taunting laughter fades as the group of 8th-grade boys moves on.
I open my locker. For a second, I wonder if I could just stuff my head inside and suffocate. Would they feel bad if the tall, skinny girl with braces and zits passed out and died on the walkway right near the student store?
“Hey, Dawson. How’s it going?” The voice of an angel saves me from my self-destructive thoughts.
It’s Paul M – the best looking boy in the 8th grade, who I think every girl is in love with. Paul has long, wavy blond hair and big blue eyes – like a California surfer. And he’s as tall as I am, which makes him the only boy in all of Newcomb Middle School I don’t look down on. We are in student government together, and for some reason, he is always nice to me. I’m sure he’d laugh if he knew I “liked” liked him.
Dear Evan Hansen Mixes Teenage Angst with Hope
I was thrust into memories of my 13-year-old life this week after seeing the Broadway production of Dear Evan Hansen. The teenage angst and feeling of being alone, misunderstood, and an outsider slammed into me through the lyrics and scenes.
An angry teenage boy kills himself. We don’t ever learn why he committed suicide. But isolation, maybe mental illness, and clearly a feeling of being alone in the world all contributed.
I cried nearly the entire first half of the show. Not just because of the sad story or powerful lyrics, but because I could feel the pain. I was there. Not on stage, but in real life. I know that empty feeling in your gut when you feel like you just can’t go on, and wonder if anyone would care or notice if you did disappear.
Sure, my family would be sad. But would it really make a difference in the world? One more pathetic teenage girl gone from the planet?
I remember wondering how I would do it. I’ve always had a fundamental dislike of guns, so that was out. I thought drowning would be the least painful and lengthy, but I was a good swimmer as a kid, so figured my survival mechanism would kick in. Razor blades sounded painful and messy. Pills were always my final decision.
The problem is I am a rule follower. So killing myself broke all the rules, religious and societal. I also don’t think I ever really wanted to die. I just wanted to be beautiful. Or at least not so ugly and different. And maybe just a little bit popular.
We all just want to be “normal”
In the least, I wanted to stop being that girl standing along the wall at school dances, knowing no boy will ask her to dance. Or the girl the good-looking frat boys only start talking to at a party when they’re drunk and it’s after midnight, and they are running out of options to get laid.
I know I was not unique. Most teenagers feel suicidal, or at least depressed, at some point. Unfortunately, many don’t just think about it but go through with it.
If anything, it’s worse than when I was a kid. Teen suicide rates are at a 20-year high, with a 10 percent increase over three years for those teens ages 15 to 19. Some experts blame the rise of bullying on social media, and the constant barrage of messages kids receive.
At least when I went home after school, I mostly escaped feeling like a loser.
Our Mean Inner Teenage Voice
I stopped hearing the “Doggy Dawson” chant from my inner voice sometime in my twenties. It took much longer before I felt beautiful in my own skin. And even well into my thirties, I only really believed I was beautiful if a handsome man told me I was. I craved and was addicted to external validation of my looks.
Because of pubescent teasing, I thought my long legs were ugly. I didn’t realize until I was well into my twenties that having long, thin legs was something to show off and capitalize on. I only learned much later that other women were even jealous of my legs. How ironic. This is one reason I still wear short skirts. I am making up for lost time!
My friend Connie shared with me recently that the mean moniker kids gave her was “Abe,” because supposedly her profile resembled Abe Lincoln. I do not see this at all. This is a stunning, beautiful woman. And yet, she still looks in the mirror and has to fight off seeing “Abe.”
Battling Teenage Loneliness & Bullying
It’s incredible how long we hold on to the image of ourselves when we were younger. We allow our own internal perception to hold onto the cruel, external feedback we received as a kid. Only, I think we are meaner to ourselves than even those bullies were back then.
Why? And how do we shift our voices to tell ourselves we are beautiful and absolutely good enough?
It’s funny because I know people who know me will read this and say, “What? Margaret is so confident and self-assured.” Sure. I am. But there were many, many years of faking it until I felt it. And if I am to be honest, that teenage girl with zits, braces, glasses, and long skinny legs still haunts my head sometimes.
In my discussion about encouraging more girls to pursue STEM, I recommend teaching ourselves and our children to be nice to that “different girl.” For many of us who are today women in technology, we WERE that different girl. A girl that didn’t quite fit in. Who didn’t belong. The girl who was afraid to be too smart, because the smart kids are called geeks and nerds and thrown into lockers. Or worse.
Often, kids will bully or taunt those different, geeky, or shy kids, because they are afraid of becoming bullied themselves. Often, they feel different and alone. That doesn’t make a difference when you are the target of a bully, because the effects are devastating. However, it helps to perhaps have more compassion towards both sides.
We can all make a difference
As my mind is still hearing echoes of that powerful musical, I want to use my voice and this space to call us all to action.
What can we do together to help each other feel not alone, or like we are all working together towards a common goal on this crazy planet called Earth?
How can we raise our children to not ignore or tease other children, but to reach out to them?
I think it’s possible. I have been accused of being an optimist. I am. I am also proud of what that scared, awkward girl with chicken legs, braces, zits and glasses is today. Tall, beautiful, healthy, smart – a leader, mother, friend, colleague, wife, partner, and more. I still have days where I feel like that girl at the locker, but I recover faster, and learn to laugh at my own geekiness.
I am also optimistic about this community. I believe we all can make a difference with simple acts of support and encouragement.
You Will Be Found Lyrics
I leave you with the lyrics of “You Will Be Found” from Dear Evan Hansen. Be forewarned, this version on YouTube by a global virtual choir always makes me cry. But it also gives me hope to see people across all ages, ethnicities, and geographies singing together.
Have you ever felt like nobody was there?
Have you ever felt forgotten in the middle of nowhere?
We are all laughing. It’s somewhat nervous laughter, as I just answered the question nearly every woman asks me during these women in tech Q&A sessions.
“What can I do when I bring up an idea at a meeting and no one pays attention, and then a man brings up the same idea 5 minutes later, and everyone thinks it’s brilliant?”
I answered honestly.
“Well, what I typically say is, ‘Great idea, Bob, which is why I just fucking said that.’ ”
Laughter.
“But I don’t expect you to be me or act like me,” I add. “What every one of you can do is help each other in that situation by validating the other woman for her idea.”
For example, you can say: “Great idea, Bob. I really like the idea you just mentioned, and I also really liked the idea when Mary explained it five minutes ago. Maybe the two of you could work on it together.”
Nods and some giggles float around the room.
I am sitting on a high stool in front of some 40 women, who are seated on folding chairs in a breakout room. Many of these women have never met each other before today, even though they work in the same office and have a monthly women’s breakfast.
The women at this large, regional telecommunications company are typical of most women in tech groups I meet. Eager to understand how to be successful or how to navigate this world of mostly men.
Over the last two hours, we’ve talked about the daily challenges women in tech experience. But we’ve also discussed how we can do more to support each other. Or how we can at least have more meetings like this, where women feel safe to ask the hard questions.
How Can We Provide Intentional Support
“Let’s do one more question,” my long-time friend Wendy, who is hosting me, tells the group.
The women are all looking at each other as if to ask,“what now?”
“How do we keep this going?” a woman asks, putting words to everyone’s thoughts.
Great question, I think. How do we keep this going, after returning to our desks to answer the hundreds of emails piling up? Or when we’re fighting office politics or racing to meet a project deadline? How do we think about intentional support as we’re packing up our briefcases and leaving the office to pick up the kids from childcare?
I put the question back out to the group.
“What could each of you do to provide intentional support of each other?” I ask.
Silence. Forty sets of eyes looking down or away.
Why is it so scary for women to declare intentional support? I wonder.
Brainstorming, I say, “What if you did something simple, like give each other a ‘high five’ when you pass each other in the hallway?”
The High Five Experiment
And so it began.
From that moment, whenever one of the women passed another woman, they gave a high five.
Other women who were not at the event were told about the initiative and joined in.
Within three days, the men started asking questions. “Why are you all high fiving?”
“Just to show intentional support for each other,” the women responded.
“Well maybe we want to support each other, too,” the men said.
“Go for it,” the women declared.
And they did. The men started giving high fives to each other, too.
Soon, everyone was high fiving.
It shifted the morale. Not just for women, but for everyone. Such a simple act. A validation. A touch. Saying I support you. I see you. And I celebrate you.
Above all, this was a needed shift in an office suffering from low morale due to constant reorganizations and corporate mandates.
Over time, the high fives slowed down and then stopped. People changed jobs and offices. More layoffs occurred.
But for a brief time, people participated in an act of intentional support.
In my earlier blog post on 8 Actions Women Can Take Now to Empower Other Women, declaring intentional support is my first and foremost action.
If something as simple as a high five can change lives and culture, what else could we do?
Validate Everyone in Meetings
The question the women asked about what to do during a meeting when your idea is ignored until a man brings it up is a recurring challenge to many women AND many men. In talking to all types of groups, I’ve learned it’s not so much a gender experience but rather a personality issue. Strong, aggressive personality types overpower and talk over quieter, less assertive personalities.
Meetings are a wonderful place to show intentional support. Take the effort and time to acknowledge everyone’s comments and ideas.
A simple validation does wonders for someone’s self confidence and willingness to share ideas in the future.
For example, when you hear someone express an idea or comment, say something like, “Let’s capture that idea in our action items.” Or, “Thank you, great idea.”
If a person is interrupted, you can be his or her champion. “I’m sorry, Bob, I think you interrupted Mary, and I’d love to hear what she was going to say.”
Polite but clear.
Compliment Another Woman
Have you ever noticed how you feel when someone tells you, “You look great!” Or “I love that color on you.” or “Great job today in the quarterly business review. You rocked it.”
You stand up a little taller. You end up smiling a bit more.
What if you made a point of complimenting other people out loud when you notice something about them? I try to make a point of this, because I have seen the positive energy it creates. I do it to complete strangers, and I’ve never had anyone not react with absolute joy.
In a hotel elevator, I noticed a woman’s outfit. Beige linen pants, navy blouse, and a scarf that blended the beige, navy and tones of green all together. She looked lovely. So I told her: “You look stunning in that outfit – it just looks so beautiful.”
She looked down, and for a moment was taken aback. But then she smiled. “Thank you.” A smile remained on her face as we walked off the elevator.
Maybe we shouldn’t need external validation, but it makes everyone happy to GIVE validation to others. And that is another simple show of intentional support.
Call Out Bad Behavior and Bullying
When my youngest boys were in elementary school, they went to afternoon childcare at their school. Over time, these some thirty children developed a kind of family behavior. They were all children of working parents (we’ll talk about working mom guilt another day). Regardless of race, socioeconomic status, or gender – they bonded.
One of the girls in childcare had Down syndrome and some emotional issues. The other children watched and protected her. One day, an older boy started bullying her on the playground during morning recess, pushing her to the ground and calling her stupid. Seeing this, the childcare children came running from all corners of the playground. They helped the girl up and stood between her and the bully. One of the kids went to get the principal.
Even though they were outside the cocoon of the childcare environment, these children stood up for their friend. That bully did not bother this little girl again.
These children could have stayed in the safety of their classmates and recess friends. How often do you witness bad behavior among colleagues or relatives and say nothing?
Standing up for someone different or victimized always brings a risk of being teased or bullied yourself. But that is exactly what we must do.
If you see someone making inappropriate or sexual comments about another person, call it out. Report it to human resources if needed.
If you are in a meeting and someone constantly interrupting or criticizing someone, call it out. Ask them to stop until they can provide comments in a calm, positive way.
Bullying happens in the workplace. Unfortunately, I’ve seen women bully other women. Don’t allow that on your watch.
Other Ways to Show Intentional Support
These are just a few ideas I have seen work.
What ideas do you have? What have you seen work in small or big ways?
Researchers at New Zealand’s Wellington University claim that using the F-word can improve relationships. That’s right. People who swear are all about making everyone feel good. In fact, the study concludes that the word “fuck” is associated with expressions of solidarity. It is used to bond members of the team, ease tensions, and equalise members with different levels of power and responsibility.
This is true for me. I definitely use the F-word in a loving way.
Good girls and moms use the F-word
As if on cue, my fifth and final child is calling me.
“Hello love,” I say into my headset, as I drive through the suburbs outside of Seattle.
“Mom, remember not to swear at the bridal shower today. And don’t be too aggressive. These are nice Catholic girls and their moms,” this child of mine says with absolute sincerity.
“Oh my god”, I sigh. “Why do you all think I’m fucking stupid.”
“Uh, maybe because you just said the f-word at the moment we’re talking about you NOT swearing,” he sarcastically retorts.
Fair enough, I think. But really, do these children think I don’t know when to behave myself and when it’s okay to let the whole Margi come to the party?
“Don’t worry,” I assure him. “I will be the perfect good girl at this party. I promise to make everyone proud.”
As I hang up, I sigh with frustration that every single one of my children called to remind me not to swear at the shower for our son’s Irish Catholic fiancee. For goodness sake, I am a layman at church. I read bible verses and help with communion. I’m a great mom, and I have a reputation for making babies laugh with my silly faces and tongue clicking sounds (it also works on horses, btw). With over 20 years in the tech industry, I am a successful businesswoman who meets with CIOs all over the world!
There are many times I don’t swear at all. Not just because I don’t think I should, but because it doesn’t occur to me in the moment, or it’s not befitting of the situation
The F-word sometimes gets me in trouble
So why are you questioning yourself now? my alter ego asks.
Because, to be honest, there are moments when I spew the F-bomb at inappropriate times. For example, during an interview many years ago for a senior marketing positioning, I told a story and included the F-word. It came back to the recruiter, who then lectured me on being a professional in interviews. That one still stings, because I felt stupid to make such a rookie mistake. I got too comfortable and stopped thinking.
Then there was an internal presentation at my company where I used the F-word, and I received three HR complaints from women in the audience. That pissed me off, to be honest. But I swallowed my pride and realized I need to respect other people’s values and perspectives.
Duh, that’s why it’s called fucking diversity, I say to myself. Oh shit, I did it again.
Maybe I do have a problem. A wave of humble self-awareness washes over me, as apparently, I do need to be reminded. Suddenly, I feel like I’m 5 years old and getting reprimanded for throwing sand in Billy’s face for the hundredth time.
I should have driven the other car, I chide myself. The top is down on my convertible mustang, as it’s one of those rare perfect Seattle days. 75 degrees and bright sunshine in an azure sky. However, with a profanity-filled Eminem song blaring from the speakers, I stand out. I lower the volume as I turn into the manicured neighborhood of my future daughter-in-law’s parents.
I park along the curb of the yellow Craftsman bungalow. Tugging on the hem of my skirt, I climb out of the car. I should have worn that other, more conservative dress.
My confidence is wavering.
I know how to behave myself
I ring the doorbell, now feeling shy, insecure, and out of place. To steady myself, I take a few deep breaths.
The door opens, and a perfectly-coiffed woman in a flowered dress with pearls is standing there. Could you be any more stereotypical, I thought. And then I tell myself to shut up and be nice.
“Hi, I’m Margaret, Rachel’s future mother-in-law,” I say in my mom voice.
She welcomes me in. The ice breaker game is already underway. Pearl woman slaps something on my back, and says, “you have to guess which famous woman you are.”
Oh, goodie, I love games, the sarcastic voice in my head replies. Yeah, I hate games.
“Oh, how fun,” I say out loud to pearl woman.
In the end, I receive rave reviews. I was “delightful and funny.” As I get up to leave the party, I see the relief and gratitude on my soon to be daughter-in-law’s face.
“Thank you,” she says. “You were perfect, and so funny!”
“I was perfect, and I made people laugh,” I report back to all the children. Adding, for the record, that I did not swear once. I achieved this perfect behavior in spite of drinking only ice tea and playing silly games.
Honestly, the ice tea limitation was worse than the games. If I had known this was going to be a non-drinking party, I would have stopped on the way and had a glass of wine to calm my nerves. What Irish family doesn’t drink, for God’s sake?
Swearing is part of who I am
Why do I swear? I’ve asked myself this question many times, as have many other people. To be honest, I don’t know. It’s become a part of who I am, just like I have green eyes and I snort when I laugh.
I could blame it on my dad, who swore a lot. Unlike my mother, whose curse words were primarily “fiddlesticks” and “for crying out loud.” Maybe it’s my first boss Carole’s fault, as she loved the F-word and used it often. Or perhaps my swearing came from being involved in sports.
Working in the automotive and technology industries my entire career hasn’t helped cure my potty mouth. These Alpha Male environments are made for cursing. In fact, when I worked at Microsoft, I wouldn’t have survived my stint in Israel where my engineering team worked if I didn’t curse. Incorporating the F-bomb in a passionate debate is not just helpful, but a requirement to survive in that culture.
It’s ironic, because there are some words that make me blush, and I can’t say at all. Like the C-word (I can’t even type it), which in Australia is a word used as often as “mate”. And I don’t like using God’s name in vain. Thank you Sunday School.
I also say many old fashioned phrases, like “goodness gracious” and “for the love of Pete,” of which I also don’t know the origin. My husband laughs every time I somehow combine goodness gracious with fuck.
Regardless, I remain fond of the F-word. Its ability to be used in so many ways. An exclamation, adjective, verb, adverb, noun, and more. It conveys power and emotion, or pure humor.
Research suggests swearing is brilliant
I don’t believe using the F-word makes you low class or stupid, which some people suggest. My favorite t-shirt says it best: I am an educated, classy, well-educated woman who says fuck a lot. Cursing and class are not mutually exclusive.
Science backs me up on this. Multiple pieces of research suggest that people who swear are more persuasive, honest, and collaborative, as well as healthier, because they aren’t suppressing emotions.
One study concludes that swearing in the workplace is not always negative, and can improve your persuasiveness and emotional connection.
Using the F-bomb might help people trust you, as they see you as being more “real”. In 2015, researchers found that people who use taboo words, like fuck, are often perceived as being more open and honest.
This is backed by another study that suggests people who swear a lot also lie less often and have higher levels of integrity, according to an article in the Huffington Post.
I am not trying to vindicate my trucker’s mouth with all this great research. Well, maybe I am. The main point is a curse now and then does not indicate that someone has crappy core values or is a bad person.
We need to not judge someone’s potty mouth too quickly.
Cursing is not always culturally appropriate
That being said, there are situations where cursing in general and the F-word specifically are just not okay. Like the bridal shower I talked about above. Or in church. Job interviews are a good time to keep your mouth clean. Most presentations should remain swear-word free (I have been known to drop an F-bomb during tech presentations, but only if it’s audience appropriate).
There are also many cultural nuances to take into consideration.
For example, an Australian might call someone a “silly c***” in Sydney, but in Boston, that could lead to a face punch. In Dublin, I can use all the f-bombs I want. If anything, I find it hard to keep up with my Irish colleagues in the number of fucks they deliver. But if I was meeting someone’s Irish mother, you would not hear a single curse cross these lips.
Also, when traveling in some parts of the world, like Japan, such strong language is culturally inappropriate.
I know it’s a given, but you should know that I believe there’s a huge difference between cursing for emphasis and swearing at someone. Angry, hateful F-bombs are never okay.
Give the F-word a fucking break
I think fuck has received a bad rap for too long. I am not suggesting we all go willy nilly and use it constantly. Even I hate gratuitous swearing. And any word, taboo or not, is only powerful when used in a limited fashion.
But there is good news for those of you who have a fucking habit like I do. You are okay! Drop that occasional F-bomb and stop feeling guilty. Or use whatever swear word is your favorite.
As the BBC writes, there are many benefits of swearing. And everyone knows that the BBC never lies.
The airport is packed. At first, I’m surprised. But then I remember. It’s summer travel season.
It’s not just the dozens of people gathered on the sidewalk as I step off the shuttle that reminds me. But more the myriad of pajama bottoms, flip flops, sweats, family herds, and babies crying. This is not the typical business travel crowd I’m used to. That predictable group who all head to TSA-pre or Clear with their Tumi carry-on bags and briefcases, ready to remove travel-size liquids or large electronics at a second’s notice.
I start taking Zen breaths as we cross the street to head into the terminal. I think I’m prepared for the onslaught. But as we walk through the glass doors to the bridgeway, the cacophony of sounds and smells slam into me like a bad wave I didn’t quite dive under far enough. I am not ready.
A family of five is walking five-wide in front of us. No one can pass.
My outside voice proclaims, “Excuse me!” I speed through a narrow gap in the family wall, startling the mother. Like a good offensive team, my husband sees the screen I set and follows me through the opening. For a few glorious seconds, we move at our pace. Fast.
We take the escalator up to the main terminal area. At the top, we try to move around the long, winding line of travelers waiting to go through security. It reminds me of the words for long line in Chinese – “long Dragon tail”. That’s exactly what it looks like – a Dragon tail – as families make their way through the maze.
Please be general screening, I pray silently. And it is.
SUMMER TRAVEL IS AMATEUR HOUR
Another hundred yards away, we see the TSA-pre sign like a lighthouse in the storm. As we get closer, we see the line is only a few people deep. Almost empty. I pump fist my husband. Yes!
But just as we start to enter, a family of four stops right in front of us and starts debating where to go. My irritated sigh is audible to everyone but these four.
“Can I help you figure out where you need to go?” I ask in my ever so sweet mother’s voice. Even though in my head I am yelling: “get the fuck out of my way, amateurs!”
Deep breath in through the nose. And exhale, slowly. Keep calm.
The group figures out they need to go over to the general screening area and moves away one slow step at a time. Just as we start to enter the ropes, another family of four walks towards us, going the wrong direction. They are trying to leave the TSA-pre line and, in the process, block our way.
I can see it in their faces. They thought they had found a magical empty line just for them that somehow no one else saw. Good karma, they thought.
But no. To the dragon tail all of you, I snicker in my head.
WHY I LOVE TSA-PRE
We zip through the ID and boarding pass checkpoint, and go straight to an empty security screening area. I lift my carry-on bag and matching red tote onto the ramp and ease them into the black hole.
“You look like you know what you’re doing, so I’m just going to step back over here,” says a TSA officer.
“But don’t let me down and screw up with a water bottle or something,” he jokes.
Smiling at him, I say, “Never. All good, sir.”
I try not to think about that one time I went through TSA-pre with my typical confidence, only to forget I’d left a screwdriver in my purse from a weekend project. When the officer asked me if there was anything sharp in my bag, I, of course, answered no. “Not even a screwdriver?” he asked somewhat sarcastically. “Oh shit,” I said. And honestly, at that point, all I could do was laugh, as I donated my beautiful tool to the airport security’s screw-up pile.
Today, I know my bags are packed perfectly. No liquid is over 3.4oz and properly stored in a clear, quart-sized Ziplock bag. In my quest to reduce the number of liquids, I’m trying a new bar shampoo and facial bar made from organic carrots. It’s hard to fit all of my hair, facial care, and make-up products in one quart-sized bag. And I’m relatively low maintenance for a woman. But I’m on a mission. Like I’m going for level 30 in Tetris.
Within a minute we are on our way to the train, the international terminal, and the Delta Lounge.
But there are hundreds of people between us and salvation. I can’t even see through to the A Gates.
MY CHALLENGE WITH CROWDS
Confession time. I don’t do crowds well. Especially if I can’t see an easy escape or open space. Once at Disneyland, when the crowds smothered me, I broke into an all-out sprint to the exit, nearly taking down small children in my wake.
I try breathing slowly and walking at the crowd’s crawling pace. Out of the corner of my eye, I see my husband ready to make a break. My body is screaming at me to run. I find a hole and leap bag first into it. We are weaving and darting like Formula 1 drivers trying to break from the pack.
The main problem is I get overwhelmed by people’s energies. Imagine, if you can, that every person’s energy is smoke. Some of the smoke is white and misty, while some is brown like smog. Other smoke is thick and black; the kind that sears your throat and makes your eyes water. With hundreds of people, it’s as if the air becomes a wall of smoke, making it hard for me to breathe.
Even if I take a million Zen breaths, it’s as if there is no oxygen.
I walk as fast as my feet will move to a space ahead where the “smoke” is thinner. Just stay calm, I tell myself.
Here’s the irony. I love humanity. However, I don’t like most people. And I don’t have a good armor against the myriad of inputs, as I am too sensitive to it all.
My empathy and sensitivity gives me an incredible ability to relate, love, and nurture, and know when someone is in pain or needs help. However, it also allows toxicity, pain, fear, grief, anger, and every other energy-draining emotion to get inside me.
BE AWARE OF YOUR SURROUNDINGS
Have you ever noticed that many humans lack awareness of the world around them, and the impact they have on it? They move as if in a bubble, not knowing whether their movements, smells, thoughts, or words have any impact on other people or not.
Airports are the worst. Well, and airplanes. People stop in the middle of a walkway or aisle. Travelers bang their huge bags into other people. Some eat disgusting-smelling food from their airplane seat.
Because I travel so often, I’ve developed some strong coping techniques. Most of the time I am a vision of calm and poise. However, sometimes, it takes hard work (and running away) to maintain that.
I am now sitting on the airplane in an aisle seat. Supposedly, this is Comfort Plus, which feels an awful lot like an economy seat without much comfort or plus. But I remind myself I am saving my company money by not flying business. And I get to sit next to my husband.
The two women behind me are talking like they are long lost high school friends. There’s a family across the aisle from me with two young boys yelling back and forth over the seats.
My husband points to his ears. “Music” – he mouths to me. Right. I grab my earbuds, find Pandora on my phone, and crank up my Thumbprint Radio.
Loren Allred’s killer vocals blare in my head: “Never Enough… never never.” I go to my happy place, barely noticing the backpacks and butts banging into me as the plane loads. The song switches to my next favorite, “How Far I’ll Go,” from the animated movie, Moana.
7 SUMMER TRAVEL SURVIVAL TIPS
As I sit in squished bliss, I think about what I would tell other travelers about my survival tips, and I write them down. I want to share them with you now.
Take time to relax and smile
1. Give yourself plenty of time: I am not one of those people who get to the airport at the last minute. I’d rather get there early, treat myself to a nice meal, and a glass of wine (or two) in the lounge while I work or write. And some airports, like Schipol, have amazing shopping for those in the mood.
2. Stay calm and smile: Why is my first tip so important? Because if you’re rushed, it’s hard to stay calm. But regardless of how much time you have, try not to get irritated or angry. It will only result in more delays, and possibly a complete body and bag search. I am always amazed how travelers take out their frustrations on airport security, airline personnel, or other people just doing their jobs. Try smiling. Say thank you to the TSA officers. You will feel better.
3. Dress the part: I am all for dressing comfortably on airplanes. However, let’s not lose our self-respect in the process. Pajama bottoms should stay in your suitcase or at home. Same thing with sweats, unless you are a traveling sports team, then it looks cool. As I mentioned above, I also pack light and fit everything into a carry-on bag and my laptop tote. If I run out of clothes, I use the hotel laundry service or go to a laundromat. Not having to wait in line to check your bag saves a lot of time and significantly reduces the potential for stress.
Use Lounges and Antiseptic Wipes
4. Pay for benefits like lounges & Global Entry:Even if you travel only once in a while, the benefits of Global Entry are huge. You always get TSA pre, and you breeze through the lines at U.S. immigration when you come back into the country. It does not take long or cost much. Most major airports now have interview offices for applicants. The same goes for airline lounges. For some, if you have the airline credit card or achieve a certain status, you receive a free or discounted lounge membership. Some companies will cover the cost so be sure to check your benefits. During the summer travel season, the business lounge is my haven. There are few children, free food and drinks, and quiet nooks with plenty of outlets.
5. Stay healthy: Yep, I’m that person who sits next to you and wipes down my entire seat area, armrests, and tray. My doctor recommended it. I was getting sick nearly every time I flew, which was ridiculous. So, my naturopath advised me to take antiseptic wipes and keep my hands and environment clean at all times. I also take Emergen-C twice a day while traveling. Finally, I eat little or nothing on airplanes, as the food almost always makes me feel bloated or sick. And I drink several glasses/bottles of water before, during and after the flight. And yes, that means I get an aisle seat because I have to get up and pee every couple of hours.
Oh, and even though that wine and beer are often free or cheap, minimize your alcohol content on the plane. Dries you up.
Be prepared for anything
6. Pack for all emergencies: I am gluten free, so I always have snacks I can eat in my bag, like Kind bars or nuts. Plus, I always have a small bar of dark chocolate, gum and mints. Just in case, my bag includes a small Neosporin, Band-aids, sticky notes, a lot of pens, and extra batteries.
For parents traveling with children, this is critical. Your number one job is to keep your child healthy, quiet, and entertained. Sorry, but it’s true. When we used to travel some 15 hours with young children from Taipei to Seattle, each boy had his own special bag of toys, books, snacks, and videos. We never had an airplane issue or airport meltdown. The boys learned from an early age how to travel, and we did everything we could to make it as easy as possible for them AND the other passengers.
7. Research your destination: I love learning about new places and knowing about the weather, currency, traditions, and transportation before I arrive. Take the time to prepare for your travel, even if it’s within your own country. I also will pay a little extra to take a taxi or arrange a car from the hotel, because I feel safer and don’t have to think about directions.
For example, the driver I had in Berlin this week was not only a safe, considerate driver, but he also played tour guide all the way to my hotel. He even took a couple of detours to drive me by historical monuments (for no extra cost). I know folks are anti-taxi these days, but I always have the best conversations with taxi drivers. Even in New York.
Summer Travel Doesn’t Have to be Stressful
It’s summer! We are meant to be happy and relaxed. But travel these days, whether by plane, train, boat, or automobile, seems to only result in stress and aggravation.
However, you can survive and thrive while traveling. Whether you’re traveling for business or pleasure this summer, take the time to be prepared and stay calm. If I can do it, so can you. I hope my seven tips help you have a wonderful summer travel season. Bon Voyage!
It was a small bump above my belly button. I found myself playing with it, pushing it in and watching it pop back out. I finally asked my husband, “what do you think this is?” Without a beat, he declared with his full medical knowledge: “that looks like a hernia!” To be fair, he has had two, so he does have some hernia knowledge.
I thought that was ridiculous. Don’t hernias only occur in the groin area? And, if they do happen around the belly button or elsewhere, don’t they hurt like hell, since your guts are falling out? Wouldn’t I know if I had a hernia?
Turns out, not necessarily. After weeks of pondering this bump, I finally asked my OB/GYN during a routine annual exam. She took a look, agreed with my husband’s prognosis and recommended me to a surgeon to take a qualified assessment.
In other words, a tear in the tissue above my belly button, with a bit of intestines sticking out. Two tears from what she could feel.
I scheduled the surgery a few weeks out, taking pamphlets explaining the procedure with me.
I figured it was no big deal. My husband had hernia surgery, and he seemed to recover quickly.
In my naive bliss of having never gone under the knife or been under general anesthesia, I had no idea what I was going to experience.
When non-invasive hernia surgery feels very invasive
The surgery was, frankly, a terrifying experience. Although I should add that nothing bad happened. My surgeon and anesthesiologist were awesome. But it was still terrifying.
It began like all great hospital visits, getting naked and wearing that ever-attractive paper gown, tied in the back. The nurses took my vitals. I was repeatedly asked my full name and date of birth. I took some Tylenol. Easy peasy.
Then, it went downhill. I was to receive two IVs. Not one. Two.
This was because I was getting laparoscopic surgery with a robotic arm. In case one IV got in the way or something happened, they wanted to make sure there was a backup. Somehow this seemed perfectly logical to everyone in the room except the person getting two IV’s shoved into her arm.
I found it ironic that laparoscopic surgery is known as NON-invasive. All these IVs felt very invasive to me!
When your veins don’t cooperate
You see, I have a vein problem. For as long as I can remember, giving blood or getting an IV has been an adventure of “where in the world can I find a good vein on Margaret’s arm?”
The irony is I have that traditional translucent white Irish skin with blue vein lines all over the place. I can see my fucking veins everywhere. I’ve had old lady skin since I was 12. But clearly not the type or point of the vein they need for serious things, like sticking needles in to take blood or insert vital fluids to keep me hydrated during surgery.
Instead of one of my two assigned nurses doing it, they called in an IV expert who happened to be roaming around. This turned out to be a mistake. After missing the right spot TWICE in my left arm, she finally just dug around until it worked and got that baby going. Another two misses on my right arm, and she and I were both done. She waved the white flag and called in one of my two nurses, named Sara.
Turns out Sara just transferred to the OR from 10 years in the emergency room, where putting an IV in is a matter of life and death. You have to do it in a matter of seconds. She looked at my arm, didn’t see the issue, and put the tourniquet on. I pumped my fist, and she stuck that needle right in and got it working. I officially love Sara.
Don’t have a colonoscopy the same week as surgery
I should probably stop here to mention that I had already experienced one painful IV experience earlier this same week, when I had my first ever colonoscopy. Yeah, let’s not even attempt to understand my perfect logic of having two major medical procedures in one week. Both of which involved being put under and having medical instruments stuck in both my arms and other cavities of my body. It made sense at the time I made the appointments.
As I told my surgeon: “Hey, I had a colonoscopy earlier this week so I’m all cleaned up for you to make your work easier.” She did not laugh. I thought it was hysterical. But then, I often laugh at my own jokes.
Before my colonoscopy, the nurse dug around my right arm, and finally struck blood. But she told me my veins were too deep, and it was a big problem. It’s bad enough we are to feel shamed for everything, but for my veins being too deep. Really?
So here i am lying basically naked with IVs in both arms, and the rest of my lower arms looking like models for a heroin addict marketing campaign. Doctor comes in and explains everything. Anesthesiologist comes in and explains everything.
And before he leaves, he asks me if I want something to calm me before surgery. And I’m thinking, I’m perfectly calm, what kind of whacko needs drugs to calm them before they get drugs?
A really smart whacko, that’s who!
I should have taken the drugs
I’m wheeled into the OR, where I am assaulted with the coldest, brightest lit, overwhelming room with machines everywhere that I’ve ever experienced. Cold, blinding, metal.
I shuffle my bumm over to the operating table from my rolling bed, and then the fun really starts. My feet are strapped down. My arms are put out to the side and strapped down. And then the anesthesiologist puts a round cup of some kind over my mouth and nose.
And I start to panic.
I am trying to say that I don’t like the sheet around my neck, and I can’t breathe, and my arms hurt, and . . . All I hear is, “let’s get you some liquid sunshine.”
I wake up suddently, and my whole body is shaking, including my jaw, which I didn’t know could shake. I’m in the most incredible pain I’ve ever felt, other than when I delivered naturally a nearly 10 pound baby. But it was right up there with birth pain. A nurse is asking me to rate the level of pain from zero to ten. I say “eight”. I mean, it was probably a ten, but who ever actually picks the absolute highest number on those scales.
She calmly says, “let’s get that down to a 3 or 4”. And I’m thinking, let’s get this down to zero. I say to her that I can’t believe the pain. So much pain. And why is my jaw shaking so violently?
“Well what did you think? You just had major surgery,” the nurse says.
What do I think? I think I want to punch you in the face, only my arms are not taking the signal from my brain.
Finally, the pain gets to the point where I’m not completely consumed by it, and the nurse rolls me into the recovery room. At that moment I realize I’m wearing a completely different paper gown.
Now, I have this incredible image of myself with arms and legs strapped down on a table where I am butt naked with robot arms roaming inside me. I pray there was no video.
Don’t put off hernia surgery
My husband comes in and goes through what the doctor told him. She said I did very well in surgery, he explains. I’m not sure how I could have misbehaved, seeing that I was drugged, naked, and at the mercy of a robot. The pain? Well, turns out I didn’t have 2 hernias, I had SIX! Yes, six tears. As in half a dozen.
Because of the severity of the tears, the surgery was a bit more complex and took longer. At some point, I noticed that instead of one slice on my side, I actually have three incision points. Must have been part of that more complex side.
So boys and girls, the learning here is don’t put off surgery, which I might have done for a while due to work stuff and travel.
Now that I have the scoop and am awake, everybody seems ready to get me up, moving and out of there. I just want more sleepy drugs and to go back to sleep, like, forever. I’m numb, and in pain, and confused.
“Let’s get up and go pee, then get you in a wheelchair and to the car.”
What a great idea.
I may be exaggerating a little, and I should again emphasize the nurses and everyone at this hospital were amazing. I mean really really nice. At some point they gave me that really good orange jello and called me sweetie. They were that nice.
But it didn’t really matter, because their niceness did not stop the pain.
Reinactment of how I feel when I get to eat applesauce cups after surgery
Thank god for ice packs & applesauce cups
At home, my naive journey to hell continues. Pain is my constant companion. As is my ice pack, which numbs the pain enough to sleep a little. Which means I have to crank up the heating blanket, because the ice makes me freeze all over. It’s a constant battle.
All I can think about is how soon I can take my next dose of crack. (okay, it is not literally crack but one of those pharmaceuticals in the family of legal Opioids). Also, each time I take my medicine, I get to eat one of those little applesauce cups to curb the nausea. I love those things, almost as much as orange jello.
I have read a lot about addiction, and am terrified of these drugs. However, you wouldn’t know it from how lovingly I am holding these little white pills. As soon as I check off a dose on my medicine schedule chart, I begin dreaming about the next dose.
And then the hospital calls to see how I am doing. I mention the pain is still really bad, and the nurse tells me I can also take ibuprofen in between doses of crack to help with the swelling. WHAT? Bring on the ibuprofin. This is nothing short of miraculous.
Get off the drugs and start moving
Day four. I am shuffling around at the speed ofTim Conway’s old man character from the Carol Burnett show. My swollen belly resembles a well-formed 5 or 6 month baby bump, complete with the need to pee or fart every 30 to 60 seconds.
But I am up and moving.
Importantly, I am off the Hydrocodone and just taking Extra Strength Tylenol with the occassional 2 Advils. The pain is manageable – especially if I don’t move from bed. I can now sit up without screaming.
Oh, and did I mention I can even poop without feeling like I’m ripping a new hernia? Major accomplishment.
I call my son. The nearly 10 pounder. Whose birth is that of legend and a broken pelvis. I tell him he’s been replaced. His childbirth is no longer the most painful experience of my life. Of course, it’s amazing the pain we can withstand when someone puts a beautiful baby in our arms after it all. In this case, all I have to show for it is three ugly scars and a deeper fear of needles.
Oh, and I guess my intensines are no longer falling out. So that’s good.
In summary: 7 tips for surgery recovery
Next time, I will be ready. And hopefully, after reading my story, so will you.
But just in case, I’ve summarized 7 easy tips to remember next time you are faced with major surgery.
Take the meds. All the meds they offer, when they offer them.
Get off the meds. As soon as possible.
Ice is your best friend. Use ice wraps as much as you can. Ideally with a heated blanket, because you’ll be freezing.
Eat all the jello, pudding and applesauce you want. I recommend the little cups, because you won’t be that hungry, and there’s something comforting about going back to being a 5 year old.
Take an extra week off than you think you need. You will need it. Maybe two weeks.
Just stay in bed as much as you can (while still getting up every couple hours to walk around).
Ask for help. A lot. Do nothing. Have someone bring you hot tea, water, drugs, applesauce, ice packs, etc.
Finally, hope for the best and assume the worst, so you don’t walk into surgery like you are walking into the hair salon.
Prague, June 2019. The auditorium is packed. And the spotlights are so bright, I can only see faces in the first couple of rows. I focus on a couple of smiling men in the front. I’m here to talk about digital transformation from a different perspective. I can tell the message is resonating: “we can’t focus on technology alone but need to think about the human connection in digital transformation.”
Even though I can’t see everyone, I feel their positive energy and their eyes on me. I hear their laughter. We have connected.
To be honest, I wasn’t sure it would work. This is a technology conference with hundreds of IT solution providers, managed services companies, and software vendors. But throughout the event, people stopped me and said “thank you for not talking about products and for sharing your thoughts on the human connection instead.”
This story is an evolution of the digital transformation journey that I’ve been discussing with customers for a couple of years. In talking to organizations all over the world, I learn first hand that technology decisions and architectural considerations are huge challenges. However, a bigger block to making the much needed transformation is people.
Margaret keynoting at the Red Hat Partner Conference in Prague.
If you missed Part 1 of my blog on Digital Transformation, I encourage you to pause and read it here. For those who read part one already, Let’s pick up our discussion with Human Connection number five:
5. Focus on the user experience
When I worked at Amazon in the early 2000’s, my office consisted of the standard door desk on 4 x 4’s, a chair, and a bookshelf. No standing desks or special ergonomic chairs. Employee ergonomics was not the focus; the customer experience was. In everything we did, employees were challenged to ask ourselves, “would this help the customer experience?” If the answer was no, then priorities were redirected.
This may be an extreme example. However, it’s not an accident that Amazon introduces so many user innovations. From its earliest days, Amazon led the e-commerce industry with user-focused capabilities and creating a human connection in a digital environment. Innovations such as predictive analytics, one-click buying, and personal recommendations that we take for granted today. Amazon maintained this discipline and market leadership when it introduced Amazon Web Services. AWS focuses on giving developers a fast, easy experience and access to the tools they need. Its focus on the user continues with its Alexa personal assistant service and Amazon Go, the futuristic supermarket where customers can grab products and leave without ever pulling out their wallet.
Unfortunately, many technology companies do the opposite of Amazon. They start with the cool technology and slap on the user experience as almost an afterthought. And then, when the product is not as successful as they hoped, engineers and product managers start adding more ease of use, point and click widgets, and help buttons.
The cost of poor user experience is high
The cost of not starting with user experience? According to CareerFoundry, who manage a Web UX design (user experience) school, the cost is high. Its research estimates that bad user experience costs e-commerce companies $1.4 trillion. Yes, trillion! For IT projects in general, the research estimates a loss of $150 billion due to abandoned projects.
As we focus on the human connection part of digital transformation, user experience takes the front seat and is a top priority. We start with the user. What are they trying to do? What is the pain we are hopefully solving?
This is no different than the best practices around Web UX design. The goal is to deliver the content a user is seeking with the fewest number of clicks. More than two clicks or 10 seconds, and the user aborts its search on your site.
Modern UX is moving beyond traditional interfaces to incorporate artificial intelligence, giving users the feeling they are interfacing with a human being rather than a digital thing. One of these AI movements is called “Conversational Design”, where products and websites incorporate the way humans talk to each other. With this, UX becomes more personal and personalized.
6. Create cross-organizational teams and processes
Teamwork is an overused term. The reality is that few organizations either inspire or reward true teamwork across departments or even within a division. However, digital transformation requires collaboration and a shared vision of success across and within teams.
In fact, this closer collaboration is not just nice to have. Your employees want to have better connections and teamwork with their colleagues. The Slack Future of Work Study found that team relationships and connections are vital to transformational success. According to the research, 91% of workers want to feel closer to their work colleagues, and 85% of workers want to feel more connected with their remote colleagues.
Reach out to other teams to break down silos
For any project or initiative, it’s easy to invite the same people to help. But why not reach out across the organization and include people who you rarely or never work with?
Let’s say you are a bank, and your team is charged with building a new application to enable customers to take digital photos of checks and deposit them via this mobile app. You will immediately bring together your business team colleagues and your developers. But how about also inviting a couple tellers from one of your bank branches, an IT Operations colleague from the data center, someone from legal, a data scientist and a data privacy expert. You get the idea.
I believe vendors and partners can help broker these cross-silo initiatives and conversations. As an outsider, you are often able to see and work with different parts of an organization that people within the company don’t know. Use these relationships to help drive closer teamwork. The benefit for you is more business and more successful projects.
Some vendors have services designed to do this, such as Red Hat’s Open Innovation Labs. Using DevOps and Agile processes, the labs residency program brings together business, technical and other people from across an organization to solve a specific problem or kick off a major project.
7. Reward people and teams who take risks
Change is scary, and one big reason is because it requires taking risks, and potentially, failing. Digital leaders encourage a fail fast culture, where individuals and teams are not just encouraged to take risks, but are rewarded for doing so.
According to McKinsey’s research, respondents at successful digital organizations are more than twice as likely as their peers elsewhere to strongly agree that employees are rewarded for taking risks. And they are nearly three times likelier to say their organizations reward employees for generating new ideas.
Digital disruption does not happen by standing still or encouraging small moves. It takes big bets. This means leadership must also be willing to stand up for employees who try new ideas and push the boundaries. Digital leaders go “all in” on the transformation, because taking risks is less riskier than doing nothing or making incremental changes.
It all goes back to culture. You can’t take the risks needed to disrupt and transform unless yo’uve created a culture that makes it safe to do so. But how do we create or promote a culture of smart risk taking?
Gordon Tredgold, the Founder and CEO of Leadership Principles, suggests there are 5 ways to encourage smart risk taking:
Model risk taking behavior
Define smart risks and set limits
Create a safe environment for taking risks
Identify your best risk takers and unleash them
Reward smart failures
8. Develop your people for the future
In the research I conducted in 2018, we found that the lack of skill set and training were the top blockers to achieving digital transformation. Technology and digital processes are changing so quickly, it’s hard to keep up. This is creating a digital skills gap in organizations across industries and around the world.
The cost of this gap is high. Not just to companies but to entire economies.
Accenture estimates the digital skills gap could cost the United Kingdom £141 billion in GDP (Gross Domestic Product) growth. For all the G20 countries combined, the risk of not filling the digital skills gap could cost more than US$11.5 trillion in GDP growth over the next ten years.
Rather than hoping to hire people with the skills and talent you need, I encourage organizations to develop the people you have. Take your loyal employees who already fit your culture and believe in your vision and invest in them. If you don’t have an internal training organization, work with partners and vendors to deliver the training required.
There are both hard and soft skills needed for digital transformation. For example, you may need to help your existing IT staff or developers learn new programming languages and tools. Your existing analytics team may need training on the latest data science technologies and processes.
On the soft skills side, it’s important to provide managers with new ways to empower their teams, manage risk, and lead with transparency. Everyone may need to learn more agile and collaborative ways of working together.
Diversity & Inclusion Helps with Skills Gap
In addition to teaching next-generation skills, it’s important to enable everyone to participate in the digital transformation. This means improving your diversity and inclusion. D&I is no longer just the right thing to do for humanity. It also is proven to have a direct positive business impact and financial return.
For example, inclusive and diverse teams are often smarter, faster and more productive, according to research conducted by Forbes and Cloverpop. The research found inclusive teams make better business decisions 87% of the time, and deliver better results 60% of the time. In addition, these diverse teams are twice as fast to make decisions with half as many meetings required to do so.
The Center for Talent Innovation, which drives ground-breaking research on talent and its impact, validates these findings. “Diversity and inclusion must go hand-in-hand to drive business results,” says Laura Sherbin, the center’s CFO and director of research.
Human Connection for Double Bottom-Line Results
Technology is still needed for a successful digital transformation. However, technology must be combined with human connection. In other words, it’s not just the “what” you use to transform, but the “how” and the “why” of your transformation. The human elements require hard work across your culture, your hiring, your people development, your leadership, and your communication.
Alan Gershenfeld, the founder and president of E-Line Media and one of the authors of Designing Reality, has coined the phrase: “Double Bottom-Line Company.” This defines an organization that is committed to both positive financial returns AND meaning social impact.
I want to believe that the future of capitalism supports this idea of making money and changing the world, for the better.
Why can’t we all strive to be double-bottom-line companies? This is the ultimate human connection to our digital transformation.
My first post on the Human Factors in Digital Transformation discussed how technology alone cannot achieve digital transformation. Digital leaders focus on an additional critical factor – the human connection. I’ve identfied eight human factors that can help us successfully transform our organizations. In this part 2 of the 3 post series, we dive deeper into the first four human factors.
Establishing a clear vision
Setting and measuring shared, courageous goals
Embracing open culture
Making it personal
1. Establish a clear vision
It is often said to start with the end in mind. With digital transformation, this is absolutely true. Everyone in the organization needs to understand, and ideally agree with, the destination.
Digital leaders first define and declare the vision.
“Without a clear digital vision, companies can’t design a coherent, executable business strategy,” says Jeanne Ross, a principal research scientist at the MIT Sloan Center for Information Systems Research.
For example, Barclays Bank set a vision of becoming the digital bank of the future. BMW, already known for its superior engineering, declared it is a technology company. Its vision further states that technology is becoming human.
We are seeing strong digital visions even in industries often slow to adopt new technologies, like healthcare. One organization leading the way to digital health isUSC Center for Body Computing in Southern California. It set a vision for how to create a better future of virtual patient care. That vision is becoming a digital reality with its Virtual Care Clinic.
These visions are not just words at these organizations. They are driving the priorities, investments, and decisions made by every team and employee.
Why is vision so important?
Humans want to believe in amazing things. We want to be part of something bigger than ourselves. To work for great organizations and people.
A vision that declares a future more amazing than the current state does that. It also brings everyone in the company closer together.
To transform any organization takes teamwork. A vision becomes the rallying cry and unifying concept – that cuts across roles and jobs.
Not long ago, I met with a group of government ministry CIOs. Each of the ministries is pursuing a digital agenda. Yet, it was clear to me that their pursuits were not collaborative or consistent. I asked the CIOs if they had a shared vision for their digital transformation. They responded with a group blank stare.
Not only did they not have a shared vision, they saw the other ministries as competition for resources and attention.
I challenged them with a question. “What incredible achievements could you accomplish together if you worked toward a single, shared goal for the government’s digital future?” To their credit, they nodded. It’s yet to be seen if they will accept that challenge. That will take hard work and a level of collaboration and humility they may or may not be able to achieve.
Visions are simple, aspirational statements
Another example from a completely different industry. Recently, I was chatting with the CEO of a pizza franchise. Its vision and mission are simple: “Be Awesome.” That’s it.
This is also part of their digital transformation vision. For example, their mobile application can’t just be okay. Its user experience must Be Awesome. The franchise marketing portal can’t be half baked. It, too, must Be Awesome.
Across the board, employees are encouraged to ask each other and their leaders, “is this awesome?” Might sound silly, but it’s working. The company has risen to become a top west coast pizza franchise.
Visions can evolve over time
Digital leaders set a clear vision, but also know when that vision needs to evolve based on the company’s direction and the market.
Case in point: Amazon.
When Amazon first started, CEO Jeff Bezos set a vision of being the world’s greatest bookstore. It then evolved in the early 2000’s to be the place to discover and buy anything. The vision evolved again to being the leading e-commerce platform, as Amazon moved from being its own online store to being the platform for a global marketplace.
This experience as a platform and the infrastructure behind it led to its vision and success around Amazon Web Services, which is now the leading public cloud service.
2. Set and measure shared, courageous goals
Of course, words alone don’t lead to success. A digital vision must be accompanied with a plan to achieve that vision across all areas of the organization. The business strategy, technology strategy, human resources strategy, and investments across all of it must align with the vision.
Digital transformation is not business as usual. Thus, the accompanying metrics should not be either. It requires transformational ways of thinking, doing, and measuring success.
According to McKinsey’s roadmap for digital transformation, there must be clear, ambitious targets. In other words, stretch goals that everyone is working towards.
“Without targets, people who find it hard to accept that the old ways of doing things were massively inefficient might be content to sign up for a 10 percent improvement in cycle time, for example. When 100 percent is possible,” the McKinsey report validates.
The metrics that matter in digital transformation are not specific to IT or any one division. These are metrics that matter to the business overall. Everyone should be driving to key performance indicators that align with the shared vision of success.
“CIOs need to shift from using operational efficiency metrics to measures that executive decision makers care about,” says Paul Proctor, a distinguished VP and analyst at Gartner. Proctor further advises having 5 to 7 metrics that are leading indicators of where you want to go, not where you are today.
As one of my former bosses at Microsoft loved to say, “Show me where the puck is going, not where it’s been!”
Stretch your organization to new heights
Digital leaders push the boundaries, reach those goals, and then push further again.
There is a lot of advice out there on what to measure. Simply, you should measure areas that show clear progress in your digital transformation. Hint – it’s not operational efficiencies or cost reduction.
It is all about the digital experience.
Therefore, develop and measure indicators that show an improved customer experience or inspire customer delight. For example, customer stickiness or retention. Revenue growth, especially long-term contracts. Employee retention and growth, especially in key areas like application development. Partnerships. Rate of innovation. You get the idea.
Many organizations are turning to a tech industry standard for measuring results known as OKRs (objectives key results). OKRs were first introduced by Andy Grove, then CEO of Intel Corporation. However, OKRs are used today by many firms, including digital natives like Google.
In fact, Larry Page, the CEO of Alphabet and co-founder of Google, says, “OKRs have helped lead us to 10x growth, many times over. They’ve helped make our crazily bold mission of ‘organizing the world’s information’ perhaps even achievable.”
Set bold and courageous goals
Again, digital transformation is going beyond what you’ve done before. Google could have easily grown by average rates. But it did not. The organization set incredible, bold, and perhaps unimaginable goals. And then surpassed those goals.
This is why I added the word “courageous”. It takes such incredible courage to truly transform and grow an organization. To take it to a new place that perhaps was not even imaginable a few months or years prior.
Don’t set metrics that tell your employees you are okay with mediocrity. Establish goals everyone sees as being truly transformative. And then reward everyone and celebrate when you reach them.
3. Embrace open culture
A vision and accompanying metrics alone do not guarantee success. Everyone at the company, across all roles, geographies, and levels must believe in and executive against them. Here is where culture comes in.
The biggest challenge I see as companies embark on a digital transformation is in the needed cultural changes.
Top-down mandates don’t work. Digital leaders evolve their cultures to be more open, transparent, and meritocratic.
In fact, companies who declare a vision but don’t change their internal culture will fail. Their employees will not see the value of the vision, because they aren’t part of it.
Take General Electric. They declared a clear vision of becoming the digital-industrial company and invested heavily in robotics and the Internet of Things (IoT). GE set metrics of success for this multi-billion-dollar digital strategy under the new arm of GE Digital.
Unfortunately, since establishing this vision and strategy, GE has struggled to fulfill its dreams. This inability to fulfill the vision or hit its targets resulted in multiple refocuses and massive layoffs.
Some analysts believe GE underestimated the challenges of developing next-generation software to drive industrial IoT. I believe that to be true. However, I would suggest they missed a more important element. Cultural change. The company remained a mostly hierarchical, top-down organization.
Use an open decision-making process
A company on the opposite end of the spectrum is Red Hat (full disclosure that I currently work at Red Hat).
The organization decided to develop a new vision or what it calls their “Why” statement a couple of years ago. Much of this was inspired by Simon Sinek’s “Start with Why” book and concept. While Sinek is not specifically talking about digital transformation, the concept still applies.
To get to their why statement, Red Hat undertook a several-month process involving literally thousands of its employees. A process it calls the Open Decision Framework (ODF).
First, employees shared their personal stories of why they work at Red Hat or why they love Red Hat and open source. Using a machine learning algorithm, they analyzed all of these personal stores to find patterns or common words and phrases. A cross-organizational advisory committee then put together several proposals. Those were narrowed down by a company-wide vote. More work was done to fine tune, and then a final company-wide vote was held again.
Could the CEO or a small group of leaders come up with something close to this on their own? Maybe. But a mandated why statement does not have the impact of one co-created, socialized, and agreed to by the entire organization.
While it took months to finalize, in the end, everyone felt part of the process. This means they believed it and lived it.
Borrow from open source communities
Red Hat’s “Why” statement brings together the company’s focus on the open source development model and its open organizational culture. To work at Red Hat means not only believing in the business mission but in the open culture and the open source “way”.
Digital leaders also embrace open principles.
If you looked inside most digital disruptors, they behave differently. Great ideas can come from anywhere in the organization. Developers are coveted and given freedom to build amazing software. Individuals and teams feel empowered to pursue new ideas.
If this sounds a lot like open source communities, it’s because it is. Digital leaders look at their organization more like a community of individuals, all contributing to something bigger than themselves. Anyone can participate, lead, and suggest a change or improvement.
By embracing open source values, leaders can successfully create “a rebooted, redesigned, reinvented organization, suitable for the decentralized, empowered, digital age,” says Jim Whitehurst, Red Hat CEO and author of The Open Organization.
In open organizations, the CEO and leaders throughout the company become coaches, cheerleaders, and evangelists of the vision. Not dictators.
Be an engaged, compassionate leader
When I meet with customers, I am increasingly asked about our culture. Enterprises and governments worldwide want to understand how to be an open organization.
The technology decisions, while daunting, are an easier change compared to the cultural shift organizations must undertake to truly become digital leaders. It starts with the leaders themselves letting go of the structure and ladder that brought them to leadership.
“The big task for management is, therefore, to create a culture and leadership style to support autonomy, empowerment, and active engagement,” says Kai Grunwitz, Senior Vice President, EMEA at NTT Security.
The one way digital leaders must behave differently than most open source communities is by using compassion. Open source projects are not known for their inclusiveness or empathy, and don’t usually care whether everyone is keeping up with the race.
Open organizations combine the best of a meritocratic process with a compassionate culture.
4. Make it personal
One of the downsides of the digital era is we don’t have enough face time. We believe video conferences provide the same benefits as face-to-face meetings. Often, we assume emails are communicating our true meaning. Or at least think people open and read our emails. How often to you send messages via text about topics that should be a personal conversation, where you look someone in the eye?
To succeed at a company-wide digital transformation, you can’t rely on digital communication alone. Ironic, right?
This takes face time. And a lot of it. Especially by the leadership.
Get out there. If you’re a worldwide organization, then hit the road. Travel around the world. Communicate the vision. Answer the hard questions. Listen. And then listen some more. Show how you are changing based on the feedback you receive.
Everyone must be on board this journey, from literally your board of directors to the custodian. They all have a role to play.
In fact, your CEO and leadership must do more than sign up for the transformation and metrics accompanying it. They must evangelize.
“It’s not enough just to have CEO sponsorship. It needs to be provocative, disruptive, ambitious, and often uncomfortable sponsorship to be successful,” says McKinsey in their roadmap to digital transformation report.
Cultural and Digital Transformation take TRUST
One key reason for making face time is building trust. As humans, we need to see someone. Shake their hand. See them in person. All of this helps us trust the other person.
To put your organization through a major transformation takes trust – across the organization, but especially, of the leadership.
“In a climate that combines uncertainty with aggressive innovation and the need to learn or relearn a new trend, trust is one of the only stable principles we can count on,” says Daniel Newman, principal analyst of Futurum Research and CEO of Broadsuite Media Group.
Every organization knows it must become a digital leader to survive and thrive.
This is why businesses and governments are throwing trillions of dollars at new technologies. Organizations must build and deliver exciting new software applications. They must continuously innovate, move quickly, adapt, and stay ahead of the never-ending onslaught of digital data, experiences, and channels.
Users are demanding this. Everyone expects an easy, digital-native experience, whether ordering pizza or automating entire network infrastructure.
Accordingly, we’ve seen the massive rise of cloud computing, open source technologies, data analytics, artificial intelligence, and many other innovations. However, well over half of all new software or IT projects still fail. For example, a 2017 study found British businesses wasted £37 billion a year on failed agile IT projects.
The root cause could be many things, but I believe one reason for so much failure and lost budgets is leaders are thinking about technology in a vacuum.
Technology alone does not solve digital transformation. It doesn’t address the fundamental issues that block or drive transformational success, and the most critical dependency. That is people.
In fact, there are three key elements that technology cannot resolve: Trust, Instinct and Cultural Adaptation. These are human capabilities that even the best AI cannot replicate.
As we transform, focusing only on the technological aspects and not the human connection, we ultimately lead to failure. Human connection is the killer application for digital transformation.
We are experiencing the squirrel effect
However, it’s so much easier to assume a new mobile app, cloud platform, or software product can quickly solve our competitive woes. Which is why I constantly see leaders fall into the technology sinkhole, or as I like to call it, the squirrel effect.
Organizations declare a “public cloud first” initiative without ever establishing a clear, comprehensive cloud strategy.
Moving an application to the public cloud may sound simple. However, no application lives alone. It has many inter-dependencies from other applications, infrastructure, business processes, and data stores, as just some examples.
Applications also have human dependencies. For example: How many users does that application touch, and how do users access it? What is the user experience? How do they authenticate? What are the data security or privacy requirements? Can you maintain required access control policies? These are just some questions I pose.
Public cloud, or any infrastructure, may still be the right answer. However, organizations need to establish a standard set of criteria, capabilities, and analysis for anything moving to cloud.
And yet, CIOs and leaders everywhere flipped to cloud first “strategies” faster than you can hit a one-click order of a new Kindle book on Amazon.com.
The same is happening today with containers. If only we can put all of our applications on a container platform, and give developers containers to spin up and build new apps, all of our digital transformation woes will be solved!
Connect digital change with cultural change
Research is consistently showing the impact of people skills, or lack thereof, on digital transformation success. There is a growing digital skills gap around the world.
What’s more, the people cultural aspect is increasingly proving to be the biggest blocker to digital transformation. Boston Consulting Group states culture clash issues are becoming a huge obstacle: “It’s not a digital transformation without a digital culture.”
In fact, a strong culture valuing trust and openness is key to any transformation, digital or otherwise.
I love how Daniel Newman, principal analyst of Futurum Research phrases it:
“Culture is the operating system of the entire organization. It is time you let culture drive digital transformation from start to finish.”
Great advice!
One of the most common cultural blockers I see is around command and control leadership, typical in hierarchical organizations. Digital Transformation cannot be a dictate from on high. The CEO needs to set a vision, but everyone must believe in the change and why the change is happening.
People need to connect to the change and feel they can have an impact. Or that their job is safe amid the change.
Another cultural barrier is siloed behavior. Often, teams refuse or just don’t know how to break out of their siloes or swim lanes. Digital transformation requires collaboration and breaking down boundaries, as data, insights, applications, and processes need to flow seamlessly throughout an organization.
Digital Leaders Build Trust
Transformation also takes trust. Trust in your leadership, in each other, and in the process. And trust in your brand.
You must also trust your “gut”. Digital transformation success requires using and trusting your human instinct.
Think back to a time when you made a decision purely based on data. For example, in a hiring process, where a candidate looked perfect on LinkedIn and in his resume. However, when you met this person face to face and looked them in the eye, your gut and instinct told you something did not feel right. But you ignored it. And what happened? Chances are it was an expensive hiring mistake.
In my experience, every time I have relied ONLY on data and not also taken into account my human instincts, I have failed or misjudged. In the example above, I’ve hired people who turned out to be bad cultural fits. Competency is rarely the issue. It’s a human thing.
The same is true for startups trying to get funding. A startup can look perfect on paper, or its product can seem revolutionary. However, entrepreneurs must still make the trek to Sand Hill Road to do a personal pitch. I once flew to Boulder for a 30-minute meeting, because a leading VC was willing to meet with me. It made a difference.
Adding human connection to your transformation
If this is true, then why are people-related areas the last place we invest, change, or even anticipate?
Because It’s hard.
Anyone who has ever led teams or organizations knows the people factor in leading is much harder than the operational or financial factors. Dealing with the myriad of human idiosyncrasies feels like a superpower few of us possess.
Therefore, the needed cultural changes, employee training, diversity and inclusion initiatives, and organizational development strategies are ignored or put on the back burner. It’s so much easier to believe that technology can solve all of our woes. If only Alexa could manage our people!
It’s important to note that most leaders, especially in technology, are not equipped, incentivized, or measured on these areas. True digital leaders understand this human factor. They are systematic in how they incorporate cultural change and dynamics. They invest in retaining their top talent, not only developers but all critical roles.
8 Human Factors to Digitally Transform
I have created what I call the eight human factors to successful digital transformation. I outline them here and then dig into each one in additional posts.
6. Create cross-organizational teams and processes
7. Reward people and teams who take risks
8. Develop your people for the future
Combine the digital and physical
Our reality is now digital, and it is interwoven into every part of our lives.
For example, we use online dating to meet our future soul mate. Organizations leverage web conferencing to hold virtual meetings across distributed teams. Families Skype or Facetime to narrow the miles between loved ones. We use Facebook and other social media to stay in touch with friends from our many lives, past and present. Once a completely manual process, we now sign electronic documents to buy our dream house.
However, each of these has a physical or human element attached. We do respond to digital signals, but it can’t replace human emotional response. We still need physical, human connection. A digital handshake does not provide the same confidence as a physical handshake.
The two must coexist, so we are able to leverage the latest technologies and, at the same time, address our fundamental human need for connection.
The lesson is that neither digital or physical should be used alone.
Leverage technology to drive speed, agility, and digital leadership. And use that innovation to enable you to spend more time focusing on people relationships. Because that is truly transformative.
Note: This is the first post in a 3 part series on The Human Factors in Digital Transformation, by Margaret Dawson. Read part 2 here, and part 3 here.
How a writing retreat taught me more than how to write
Last week, I stopped. Jumped off. Unplugged.
And then, I dived. Head first into a word-infested lake haunted by legends. Not knowing if it was one of those shallow bodies of water with jagged rocks just below the surface, which I can’t see. Would I crack my head open and die like that tragic love story I watched on some flight?
No. This lake was deep, and she welcomed me into her waters like a warm embrace. Not like the temporary warmth created by some unaware 8-year-old boy in the community pool that slowly dissipates from the chlorine. This was all-encompassing warmth wrapped around me like my grandma’s old woven blanket that I tuck around my legs when I read on the couch.
But, let’s be honest, I was terrified of this declaration.
Woman in tech, leader, mentor, coach, manager, wife, mother. No problem. I can write and present on open source and digital leadership all day long and not break a sweat. But this? This was personal. This crawled into my very soul. My reason for being. This was the bird I caged and lost the key, or so I thought.
“The moon put her hand over my mouth and told me to shut up and watch.” *
With trepidation, I watched. As each of the six women entered the room. Fawn eyes searching and fearful just like mine, testing out our new-born legs on the dew-covered grass nestled in the Montana mountains.
The community of women joining me on this journey
Seven strangers, our homes and identities left behind. Hoping to spark, rediscover, or fan our writing flames. All of us lugging our heavy baggage into the bunk room, with dreams of leaving with a lighter load. But unsure of what lay ahead.
But, wait. I know these women. I recognize them. Soul sisters on this journey.
For five days, we laughed, cried, walked, nourished, talked. Of course, we also wrote. Oh, did we write. Like we were possessed by some inner Steven King on a deadline to publish our two hundredth novel.
Yet somehow, it was easy. No, not easy. It was at times very hard. But, each word, each exercise, each painful reading out loud of our work released something. Until our words swirled in the Montana air like a Cottonwood tornado.
I can’t believe this. Even in my beautiful memory of this writing retreat, it’s there. In the back of my mind. That fucking “Let it Go” song from Frozen. Connie rolling her eyes when I sing it unknowingly for the millionth time. However, to be fair, it is the perfect depiction of what we did.
We let it go.
Words leaping from our hearts and our pens, as the now dog-eared notebooks struggle to keep up.
Each piece, an awakening. A celebration.
Learning from an author and master
All under the guidance of our teacher, mentor, and editor. At times, disciplinarian.
Yes, those of you who know me will not be surprised that I spoke out of turn. I challenged her. I celebrated someone when I wasn’t supposed to. We giggled like 8-year-old school girls as we waited for class to begin, knowing we were supposed to be in meditative silence.
But, I followed. I put down my staff and let someone else lead us up the mountain for a change. She earned it. This New York Times best selling author. She bears the scars of publisher rejections, editor notes in the margins, and standing in book stores waiting for others to treasure her book and maybe even say hello.
All this she gives us. And more. With an open heart and open hands, holding us safe while we write past the fear of exposure.
Rediscovering my love of writing
I came to this Haven writing retreat to work on my book. It’s a teaching memoir I’ve kept at bay for several years, even as I spoke to hundreds of people worldwide about its hypothesis, stories, and dreams. The premise: empowering everyone to discover and shine their own true light. Being true to who we are; the beautiful, unique creatures we were born to be.
Yes, the irony is not lost on me. I coach people on learning to shine their light on themselves and others, struggling every day to be true to who I am and shine my light.
I realized at this retreat that the core of my light and who I am is writing. However, writing has taken a back seat in this Fastback life of mine for many years.
Over this week, I remembered how I used to love writing as a child. For example, I wrote poem books for Christmas presents. Each poem crafted and then illustrated with simplistic drawings on colored construction paper, stapled together and wrapped in Santa paper.
I wrote songs and then created simple chord progressions on my guitar to accompany the words. Like this one, I still remember, even though I wrote it when I was in the third or fourth grade.
“I was once just like you, with nothing in the world to do.
And then I learned what life was about and sang a song.
Sing a song, a million times or one. Sing a song, oh come along.
Sing a song, it will do you good. Sing a song, I wish you really would.”
Maybe my wisdom peaked at nine years old. Such a simple, childish song. Yet, so wise. I knew then life was all about singing your own song. Whatever the song is.
Giving thanks for this writing retreat
Thank you, Haven.
Thank you, soul sisters. You amazing creatures.
I can’t wait to celebrate your words and your lives.
I also hope you enjoy one of Laura’s favorite poems, which she shared as part of the ritual of Haven:
WILD GEESE By Mary Oliver
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile, the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.
I have done horrible things in my life that I regret. For example, I lied, and I cheated. Admittedly, I hurt other people and sinned. As frequently, I hurt myself.
If I could, I would go back in time and redo it all. However, as we know, that isn’t possible.
Therefore, I choose to forgive and ask for forgiveness from others.
As a Christian, I ask God for forgiveness. While sometimes hard, I forgive other people who hurt me or influenced me negatively. Sometimes that means forgiving the same person multiple times. Perhaps most importantly, I forgive myself.
I am able to forgive, because I now know these actions, thoughts and words do not define me. It’s not who I am.
Years ago, I realized that many, if not most, of these things happened because I had no idea who I was at my core. I was not grounded in my core values. In fact, I don’t think I honestly ever thought about core values.
I did not have a strong internal compass to filter my thoughts and actions through.
Consequently, I acted poorly.
Good people often do bad things if they don’t have a compass
Overall, I was a good person. My parents taught me right from wrong. I went to church, and I believed in God. At least intellectually, I understood the 10 commandments. As a child, I followed the rules and most people would have called me a “good girl.” In fact, I still today have trouble jay walking or crossing the street when the walk sign isn’t illuminating.
Most of the time, I stayed inside the lines of societal rules, literally and figuratively.
However, I constantly saw (and still see today) good people do bad things. Or bad things happen to good people. Some of the biggest hypocrites I knew were also supposedly “good Christians.”
I experienced a lot of “do what I say, not what I do.” Therefore, those boundaries of right and wrong were often blurred, and not so black and white. And, I was one of those good people who sometimes did bad, questionable, or hurtful things.
Core Values Hurt by A world of NO and Do Not
Ever notice that most religions and rules tell you what NOT to do. No parking, no burning, no trespassing, do NOT commit adultery, don’t walk on the grass, don’t swear, and I could go on and on.
Research has shown that children hear the word “no” some 400 times a day. 400!!! As you can imagine, that’s probably up to 400 times more than they hear the word “yes.”
Experts say this constant hammering of “NOs” causes more than just disappointment, sadness or anger. It freezes your brain. Hearing no all the time causes you to shut down emotionally.
Whereas, a strong yes input drives curiosity, stability, positivity, and, most importantly, authenticity.
“There’s a positive approach to life that comes when you look at the neural circuitry of the yes brain, and the way you learn a challenge is an opportunity to learn more, not to collapse in fear,” Dr. Siegel said in an interview with Mindful magazine.
How do we become more positive and put our brains in a state of “YES?”
How do we focus instead on YES and DO?
What if we focused more on the DO’s than the Don’ts.
Core values are the fundamental beliefs critical to who you are. Many people define core values as guiding principles that help a person determine right from wrong.
I think they are ideals that you hold to be true. When you adhere to them, you are the best person you can be.
Core values keep you on the right path and help you fulfill your goals.
Your core values do not need to be the same as another person’s, and yours may evolve over time.
Without clearly knowing or articulating your core values, it’s easy to make decisions that are NOT in the best interest of yourself and others. It’s easy to hurt yourself and others as well, because you are acting out of selfishness and unawareness.
You are not grounded. In fact, you have lost your way.
Typical core values include honesty, loyalty, or sincerity. You could think of the ten commandments as a list: do not cheat on your partner, do not kill someone else. Basic core value stuff.
However, as I say above, I prefer to think of core values as those YESes; those things that we DO when we are letting our true light shine. Love others. Value all lives. Be loyal to my partner.
My Core Values
Some of my core values are:
Authenticity
Family
Empathy
Constant Growth
Curiosity
Humility
Nurture
Impact
With my core values as my compass, I always tell the truth. I put my family first. In addition, if I’m grounded, I choose to have the light-shining Margaret show up for others. Core values enable me to remain true to the best version of me.
Take a moment to think about and write down yours. Don’t over think it or edit yourself; write down whatever comes to mind.
Then, do more self reflection on this. If you pray, then pray about it to help you define them.
Ask yourself or God these questions: What is fundamentally important to me or core to who I am?
If someone made me do something uncomfortable or I acted out of character, what core value would I be breaking?
You may only have two or three core values. That is perfect! There is no right or wrong number, just words or statements that feel core to who you are in your heart.
Come back to this list from time to time and see if you are staying true to your core values. Alternatively, write down new ones you’ve identified as being vital to being YOU.
Declaring Your Core Values
Write down your core values and a statement of why this is so important to you.
Core Value
Why?
As you make decisions and go through each day interacting with others, try to think about whether you are behaving and living according to your core values.
If you find you often are not, then it is probably time to make some changes, either in your core values, or, more likely, in yourself.
Don’t worry if what you wrote down is not perfect. You will learn along the way.
If you are like most people, as soon as you write the words, you start to immediately question whether they are right. Some or all may be in direct conflict with the “you” currently showing up or the life you are currently leading. That is OK!
Don’t judge what you’ve written down.
Also, let the words live with you a while. Just capturing those core values might give you a sense of relief or even an “ah ha” moment. It did for me the first time, and it does every time I take a moment to reevaluate or redefine my core values.
Use Your Core Values to Forgive and Improve
We all have regrets. The important thing is how you overcome them and move on to live your life as a better person. A life more true to your inner light.
Core values don’t just show up. They take work. Hard, daily, focused work. Just like keeping a healthy diet and exercising.
But, it’s worth it.
Core values are your “YES” to life!
Above all, it’s your way of celebrating who you are and what makes you special.
In part 1 of this series, we talked about the first three of six critical traits for a successful leader. We continue here with the final three.
The final trait, the ability to be empathetic and caring, is one not originally on my list. This is ironic, since I consider empathy one of my greatest strengths. Fortunately, my LinkedIn peeps realized my omission, and several folks pointed out the need to add this vital capability to my leadership must haves. Therefore, we now have a number 6 for empathetic leadership.
As a reminder, a successful leader incorporates these six traits:
Inspirer
Manager
Operator
Builder
Transformer
Empathetic
The Builder
A successful leader knows how to build and scale a plan and an organization. He or she recognizes what is working and not working to keep the company growing and succeeding. Builders know how to pivot.
Often, the Builder goes hand-in-hand with the Inspirer, because inspiration alone does not build a company. Turning that vision into a plan and executing against that plan takes a Builder.
This is a leadership strength that may not need to be leveraged at all times. Startups around Series B or C definitely need a Builder. Additionally, companies moving toward a clear goal like an IPO or acquisition can benefit from a Builder.
Often, Builder CEOs are brought in when a company needs to go into scale mode and reach that next big milestone in its growth. This is where you often see founders bring in an external CEO. That is, if the founding CEO is self-aware enough to realize he or she doesn’t possess this strength.
Builders set clear targets to reach in the short term
If a Builder has this trait but lacks many of the others, he or she is often a short-term leader. Just brought in it to reach that specific goal.
For example, I know one CEO who has perfected this role. He goes into a start-up when it is trying to move toward a financial milestone or exit. He is an amazing fundraiser and growth engine. Every time, he brings operational excellence and amazing networking skills, especially with venture capitalists. Ninety-percent of the time he succeeds. In fact, he typically achieves an acquisition within 24 months. Thereby, making a few million and moving on to the next “target.”
I learned a lot from this CEO, especially around operations and board relations. Also, he showed the value of focusing on a core skill set. However, at the end of the day, this leader was about making the next million dollars for himself. Which, in my opinion, does not usually make a great leader for those around him or her.
A great book on this topic is Good to Great by Jim Collins, as well as his earlier book Built to Last. Both talk about the kind of leadership it takes to build sustained growth and success.
The Transformer
This leader is often called the “turnaround” king or queen. They come into an organization and figure out what needs fixing or changing. They are often very good at making the hard decisions, such as what to do more and what to stop doing.
Leaders fitting the Transformer persona include people like former IBM CEO Lou Gerstner, and, more recently, Microsoft’s Satya Nadella.
As you can guess, Transformers almost always have to also be Inspirers. Because to take an organization through a transformation, especially larger companies, takes a clear vision and a lot of inspiration. Transformations, even small ones, are really hard.
The goal of a Transformer can vary greatly across organizations. It might be around technology, target market, product mix, or even a company’s reputation. Transformers know how to hire or find other Transformers in an organization, as you cannot drive change alone. Plus, they often inspire others to become change agents.
A leader alone cannot transform an organization
An easy read illustrating how transformation must also be about inspiration and great people management is The Journey to Sales Transformation by Bob Nicole. While this is a tale about the transformation of a sales organization, the lessons can be applied holistically.
Transformers must possess an incredible sense of self and confidence. Because, for most people, change is the greatest fear and the most fought against experience. To transform an organization, employees, customers, and other leaders must see and believe that the Transformer is with them. An organization must believe this leader has something at stake in the game.
This is why you often see Transformers come into an organization and take a low salary, basing their compensation on the success of the transformation through equity or a goal-based bonus.
A friend and colleague of mine, Alexis Monville, recently gave me a book he wrote titled, Changing Your Team from the Inside. In it he talks about why change is so hard and why change management often fails. True transformational leaders don’t just drive change. They also empower everyone across the organization at all levels to move beyond the fear of change and own the transformation.
The Empath
I have struggled my entire life having to shield myself against other people’s energy. For example, I get overwhelmed easily when I am around too many people for too long. If someone gives off toxic energy or tries to sap my positive energy, I am quickly drained, and even exhausted.
I used to think this made me an introvert. Although when people hear that they usually laugh, because I can be quite gregarious and outgoing. However, as with introverts, the only way I regain energy or regroup is by being alone. Ideally, regrouping involves a hot bath, a good book, and a quiet space.
I recently read a book called, The Empath’s Survival Guide: Life Strategies for Sensitive People by Judith Orloff. I was immediately struck by her description of an Empath. For the first time in my life, I knew why I struggled maintaining my energy at times. In addition, I learned why I can so quickly relate and understand what another person is going through, as if it is my own pain, struggle, or success.
This trait or gift has opened many conversations and opportunities in my life. In fact, I often reach out to people because I just know I should. While empathy or being sensitive may seem counter to good leadership, I believe it has enabled me to relate more to the people I manage and lead.
This trait was not in my original article. However, I received many comments that this characteristic was missing from my list. People called it the relator, the connector, the empathic and other similar terms. I realized they were absolutely right that this is a trait good leaders should embrace.
Empathic leaders care about their employees as humans
At the end of the day, good managers care about their employees as people. This results in higher retention, happier employees, and improved productivity. Having empathy, compassion, and, yes, even love for your colleagues is why we are all here.
I wonder if the reason we see so few leaders show true empathy is because doing so requires vulnerability. As Patrick Lencioni writes in his book Getting Naked, great leaders allow themselves to be vulnerable. This vulnerability means not having to be the smartest person in the room, letting others be successful and the focus of attention, and admitting your own weaknesses and limitations. And, perhaps the hardest one, asking for help.
Empathic leaders are able to relate to their employees. Relatability is an amazing quality of humanness. It allows us to understand people and the stage of life they are in, what they’re going through, and their challenges. As a leader, you can relate your own experiences to help others on their path.
An appreciation for the “life” part, within our so-called “work/life” balance is vital for a great leader.
Are you a successful leader?
Each of these traits alone is an incredible leadership skill. However, as I said in the beginning, what makes leadership so hard is that it takes these traits in combination. Great leaders not only use these skills together, but also know which levers or traits to increase or decrease based on the situation.
Some of these traits come naturally, and others need work. Like working a new muscle.
I find myself analyzing my own leadership against these traits, recognizing which come more naturally for me and which I have to intentionally continually develop and work on. I also acknowledge I could improve in all six areas.
Where do you think you’re strongest or need development?
I often think about leadership. What leadership traits distinguish a good leader from a bad leader? What makes a successful leader? In my opinion, a title does not make a leader. It’s instead what an individual does to inspire, empower, and drive teams and organizations forward.
I believe, perhaps naively, that an organization can be both financially successful and do good by its people, the community, and the world. Few organizations, however, actually achieve this lofty goal.
My leadership philosophy stems from many sources. I read voraciously about business and leadership. I am fortunate to meet with IT managers, business executives, and government leaders around the world. In these interactions, I hear firsthand how leaders are trying to solve big challenges and lead their organizations through a digital transformation.
Recently, I read an article in the Harvard Business Review about the previous CEO of General Electric. Over 15 years, he transformed the company into a digital industrial disruptor. Why did he succeed when so many fail, or at best achieve the status quo?
I’ve had the “fortune” in my career to work for many good, some mediocre, and a few truly awful leaders. Many of them made me question how some people move through the ranks to ultimate leadership of an organization. Too often, we see the worst examples of leadership at the highest levels.
Throughout my career, I’ve developed my own leadership principles and framework. I call this framework the six critical traits of a successful leader. I know this sounds very “McKinseyish”, but I think it works. I’d love your thoughts on it. I originally posted this article on LinkedIn, but I’ve updated it based on all the wonderful comments I received to that post.
The 6 Leadership Traits of Success
A successful leader is a rare combination of characteristics and skills. I believe different capabilities and styles are needed depending on the stage of a company, the challenges it faces, its financial status, or its goals. But there are some universal traits that are always needed.
Importantly, they are needed in combination. It’s not a matter of choosing one over the other. Although a leader may have to move one lever more than another based on the circumstances. But he or she still needs to embody all of them.
Frankly, I think we undervalue most if not all of these. We focus instead on whether someone is confident, assertive, or a real driver. I think those capabilities are subtexts of these traits. While often needed, they are not at the core of what separates good enough from greatness in leadership.
The Most Successful Leaders Are All of the Following:
Inspirer
Manager
Operator
Builder
Transformer
Empathetic
In this post, we will go into detail on the first three of these traits.
The Inspirer
Inspiring leaders are far less common than we need. But if you’ve had the fortune of working with one, that person most likely set the bar for you.
The key leadership trait to the Inspirer is vision. He or she sets a vision, and, importantly, believes it, drives toward it, and communicates it on a regular basis. This leader also ensures it is a shared vision, not only by the leadership team, but also by the entire organization.
Organizations led by an Inspirer have an energy and a passion beyond average because everyone truly believes they are changing the world in some way. An obvious example is business leader Steve Jobs, whose vision to do personal computing differently drove not only a cult-like following within Apple but among customers worldwide. Or Jeff Bezos, whose early vision to build the world’s greatest bookstore while focusing entirely on the customer completely changed the way we shop. And who, like all good inspirers, evolved that vision over time. And yes, both are known for less desirable traits too, but none that diminish their power to inspire.
Perhaps a better example of an inspiring leader who is also known for his humanitarian stance is Chobani CEO Hamdi Ulukaya.
Inspiring leaders paint a compelling vision
The Inspirer is not afraid to take a stand, even if it is contrarian. In fact, this is often what makes them so inspiring. They fight for what they believe in, and they paint their vision in a way that inspires others.
“Those who truly lead are able to create a following of people who act not because they were swayed, but because they were inspired.” – Simon Sinek in his book Start With Why.
In talking to a venture capital friend, I asked her what the most critical trait is for the CEO of a startup. Her answer: having a clear vision and being able to communicate that vision in a way that inspires investors, employees, and the market.
Inspirers are needed at companies small and large, not to mention in political office, nonprofits, and religious organizations.
The Manager
This might be the most undervalued trait of all. I am consistently amazed when someone gets to the C-Suite or senior leadership, and they believe they no longer need to “manage”. After all, their direct reports are also senior leaders. So, in their mind, shouldn’t those leaders know how to manage themselves? Or that’s how the justification goes.
People management is needed regardless. I have worked for organizations who undervalue this ability and discipline completely. And others who painstakingly nurture and train managers, but still ignore this trait and skill set in their most senior leaders.
Everyone needs a manager. CEOs have a board of directors that ideally acts as that manager, making the leader accountable and giving him or her advice and areas to improve. So why do CEOs or other senior leaders believe they no longer have to manage?
The lack of management ends up fulfilling the prophecy outlined in The Five Dysfunctions of a Team by Patrick Lencioni. If a CEO (or any leader) is not managing his leadership team, it results in a lack of trust, shared purpose, accountability, and teamwork. This then cascades down throughout the organization and across those leaders’ teams.
Another book that illustrates this well is The Advantage, also by Lencioni. The author accounts clear stories of the negative impact a lack of trust and inability of a leader to manage his team and company has on success.
Great managers give both positive and constructive feedback
What does it mean to manage? Among many other elements, it means you have clear agreement with your employees on their goals, metrics of success, priorities, and career aspirations. In addition, you are managing not only “what” that employee is doing to be successful but also “HOW” they are achieving those things.
I often say I have a “no asshole” rule. What I mean by that is I will not tolerate someone on my team treating others badly, no matter how smart or high performing they are. Because their success is being made at the cost of hurting others, which is not actually a success. This is also a clear sign of lack of management.
Great managers don’t wait to have career discussions only during the annual review period. They have these conversations on a regular basis. They promote and reward, or put employees on a development plan, based on those conversations and how the employee is doing.
Tactically, this means regular one-on-one conversations, where you are covering both business issues as well as their career and life.
Good managers communicate both positive and constructive feedback to their employees, rather than avoiding conflict by skirting around any issues with performance, behavior, or process. The bible on how to have these tougher discussions that so many managers avoid is Crucial Conversations. (The second book, Crucial Accountability is also awesome.)
Another book I love about how to communicate successfully as a manager is Radical Candor by Kim Scott. Someone recommended this book to me, because they thought the subtitle would resonate with me: “How to be a kickass boss without losing your humanity”. They were right! To achieve radical candor as a manager also takes compassion and empathy (see trait #6).
The Operator
I have worked for many “leaders” who were operationally excellent. They have well-established business plans, budgets, and processes. Everyone on their team knows how decisions are made. There are clear cadences around product planning, revenue goals, strategic plans, and other operational areas.
Great Operators know how to instill operational excellence without too much bureaucracy. Many follow best practices as outlined in the book Death by Meeting by, you guessed it, Patrick Lencioni. (Apparently, I’m quite the Lencioni fan.)
This skill set is absolutely critical to strong leadership. If leaders themselves do not have this leadership trait, often they will hire someone like a COO, Chief of Staff, or even a CFO to play this role. In this case, the leader still has a strong respect for operational excellence and makes sure the team or company has this discipline.
The problem I have seen is that too often divisional or corporate leaders are only Operators, and lack the other critical leadership traits of successful leaders. They are awesome at keeping the wheels on the bus but are not taking the risks or setting the vision to take the company or product to the next level. In fact, often these leaders are risk-averse because they have built their reputation and success on their steady, consistent operational leadership.
“There are many talented executives with the ability to manage operations, but great leadership is not based solely on great operational skills,” notes Sinek in Starts With Why.
It sounds like an oxymoron: feminine power. However, you can both embrace your femininity, and what that uniquely means to you, AND be powerful. My first boss after college, Carole O’Neal Tellier, gave me the gift of this revelation. It influenced who I became when I worked with her, and who I am today.
I will never forget the first words Carole said to me when I walked into her office my first day of work at A.R. Brasch Advertising in Southfield, Michigan. A fresh college graduate, happy to have even found a job. Even better in Detroit and the automotive industry, in which I grew up.
Picture this: Navy blue suit, complete with padded shoulders and a pleated skirt, a white oxford shirt, and a blue and red bow tie scarf. My hair was styled in the appropriate Farrah Fawcett wings, lacquered down with hair spray. My face was complete with foundation, lip stick, mascara, and the iconic blue eyeshadow.
“What the fuck are you wearing, and what is wrong with your hair?” Carole hissed at me from behind her desk.
Then she stood up. She was shorter than me, about 5’6”. But she seemed like an Amazon from another planet. She wore a bright goldenrod suit, with a fitted jacket. Her skirt hem stopped at least an inch above her knee (scandalous!). She wore matching high heeled pumps. Her hair was perfectly coiffed but very short, above her ears, with waves framing her thin face.
She was clearly not pleased that this young, naive 22-year old had been assigned to her. She did nothing to hide her disgust.
First you have to prove yourself
What she saw was the daughter of Bob Dawson, a close friend of the company’s president and founder. She assumed this was a personal favor between her boss and my father.
In some ways, she was right. When I graduated from college, I found a job the old fashioned way. I sent my resume out to dozens of companies and leveraged my father’s business network. I was happy to receive a job offer and was excited to be working in the automotive industry.
I thought my resume and experience had landed me the job. And of course, my dad’s relationship with the Brasch brothers. However, Carole assumed I was just like the other daughters and sons of relatives and friends who had been hired as favors. Who, more often than not, turned out to be spoiled rich brats with minimal required skills and even less work ethic.
To prove myself, or in her mind scare me away, she handed me my first assignment. She threw this heavy binder onto my desk, which landed with a huge thump.
My task: read, edit, and rewrite this massive manual for a sales program for one of our major automotive clients.
She assumed and, at the time, hoped I would fail.
Little did she know I was a writer. I interned with a newspaper, where I learned all the proper copy editing symbols and processes. Nor did she know that in spite of not having a clue how to dress or act like a business woman, I was a hard worker. And I was determined to show her I was worthy.
Show courage in the process
A couple of days later, I showed her my progress with the first section of the manual. Behind the scenes, I befriended and begged for help from the team of women typesetters (yes before computers) in the creative department. When they realized I knew how to copy edit and write, they were thrilled. They helped me get work through their processes faster than usual.
Carole read through the section I had updated at that point, and she smirked. It was almost a smile.
“This isn’t bad. Let’s see what it looks like the end of the week,” she said.
It wasn’t a compliment. But it wasn’t a criticism either.
I don’t remember exactly when the relationship turned the corner. But it did.
One day, not long after I finished that first project successfully, Carole asked if I wanted to join her for lunch. From that moment, Carole took me under her wing and taught me everything she could.
I think most of the time she didn’t even know she was mentoring me, but she was. Oh, was she ever. Not just about work, but about life, and about being a woman.
The key to feminine power is competency
The lesson I remember most was her attempt to teach me the power of being feminine and competent.
In the world according to Carole, a woman did not have to hide her legs, her body, or her femininity in order to be powerful or successful. In fact, she said, it was the combination of your raw feminine power, your true light, and your competency that made you powerful.
This simple equation changed my life. Femininity + Competency = Power !!
I didn’t have to be like a man. I could be successful and a woman, in whatever way that meant to me.
I realized wearing shorter skirts that showed my long legs wasn’t giving in to the system, it was showing my courage amid the system. If men only wanted to look at my legs, then so what? I’d then overwhelm them with my competence, so they were more intrigued with my capabilities.
If a man patted me on the butt and called me honey, I didn’t have to just take it. I could pat them right back and call them sweetie. Or, I’d hold their hand in the sky and yell out, “does anyone know why this hand was just on my butt?”
Carole gave me power and permission to be a successful woman, and, more importantly, to be me.
A mentor helps guide the way
Over the nearly three years I worked with her, we spent many afternoon coffee breaks at the donut shop together. We took many side trips to the shopping mall on our way from or to a client meeting. I didn’t have the money to buy clothes like she did, but everything she bought or did was added to my mental database for the future.
Outside of life lessons, I learned a lot about marketing, business, selling, and customer relations.
Carole pushed me to not only come up with new ideas for our clients, but any idea I did have, I pitched to the clients. My first couple of presentations were rough, and I was terrified.
She could have done it for me, and no one would have said anything. But she didn’t. She encouraged me to get up in front of a room full of much older professionals; all men, and pitch them my new idea. An idea they would hopefully find valuable and pay my agency to execute.
A couple of those ideas bombed. But overtime, I successfully pitched and won several others. I started and managed a telemarketing hotline for one major automotive company. I managed a mystery shopping program. I ran a test drive program for another client, which included using a computer database and what would now be considered a ridiculously simple data analysis program and report.
When I made mistakes, she let me know, but never without coaching of what I could do differently next time.
Feminine Power comes through self discovery
Carole made it to a senior position by literally working her ass off. She did not have the right degree or credentials. She started as a secretary in the typing pool.
Whatever book smarts she lacked, she overcame with her street smarts, her wit, and her ability to learn quickly. Clients loved her. Men loved her.
By the time I met Carole at the age of 43, she had already been through many journeys of self discovery. Three failed marriages. Affairs. Smoking. Lost children. Loss of faith.
Through those challenges and journeys, she found her true voice. And during the time I worked with her, she rediscovered God as a loving, forgiving God. She fell truly in love and married her fourth and final husband, Bernie. And she had a second chance with her children and grandchildren.
I wish I could say that knowing all the twists, turns, and regrets Carole experienced during her journey saved me from making similar decisions or mistakes. But we all have to learn our own life lessons, unfortunately. Every parent knows this to be true. It’s painful to watch a child, friend, or parent live through a circumstance you previously navigated without being able to save them from the pain.
Share your power freely with others
How do I embrace the feminine power lessons Carole taught me?
Here are just some of the things I do from learning how to embody feminine power in my own way:
I almost always wear a short skirt and heels when I present on stage: It gives me secret power!
I don’t apologize for being who I am: F-bombs and all
I feel 100% confident in my ability to be a good mother, wife, friend AND executive: Nurturing is powerful, too!
I pass on Carole’s wisdom to as many people as I can.
Perhaps the most incredible gift Carole gave me, in addition to work experience, new skills, and refreshing feminist ideals, was her unconditional love. Throughout 30 years, Carole remained my biggest fan, always telling me how amazing I was or commenting on my achievements.
And love, love, love
Me and Carole in Bloomfield Hills, Michigan, summer of 2016.
A couple of years ago, I drove across the country with one of my sons. We stopped in Detroit to visit Carole. After about five minutes, my son laughed and said, “Now I see why you two get along so well. You are so much alike. And now I also know where my mom learned to swear.”
I am so thankful for that day with her. I am so thankful for all the times we chatted via Facebook or text.
Carole passed away earlier this year. Her memorial service was held when I was traveling overseas for business. I hate that I wasn’t there for her children. I hate that I didn’t make a point to see her again or say goodbye.
But I love that Carole left this world with her family all around her. I love knowing she is in Heaven with all her cats and dogs she spoiled rotten, and with Bernie and her many friends.
I love that I had the opportunity to call her my boss, my mentor, and my friend. Rest in peace, my beautiful, powerful, feminine friend.
In her memory, let’s all embrace our feminine power!
There is something so powerful when someone is illuminating a room with their presence, and not hiding their gifts to the world. When they are truly letting their true light shine.
I think Marianne Williamson says it best when she implies that we are hiding our light because of fear that we might be too much or not accepted for ourselves. I think this is true for so many of us.
“Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate, but that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.” Marianne Williamson
Ironically, this quote is usually attributed to Nelson Mandela. It wasn’t until I started researching my first Snorting Out Loud presentation that I found out Marianne Williamson actually authored this. While I absolutely love and respect Nelson Mandela, I did think it interesting that this was attributed to a man, as opposed to a female writer and philosopher.
Attribution aside, this spoke to me. I had this taped to the wall to remind me not to be afraid to shine. Not to hide my true self. Not to be what I thought others expected me to be.
You were born ready to shine your light
Think back to when you were three or four years old – or whatever your earliest memory is.
What did you love?
What were you like?
Chances are your memories are wonderfully simple. You loved swinging. You loved playing house with your best friend. For me, I have some very clear memories or really more feelings.
I remember clearly I wanted to be an actress. In fact, at some young age, I was absolutely positive I was going to be a famous Broadway singer and actress. I loved musical theatre more than anything. I started trying out for shows at the age of four. At a slightly older age, I would ride my bike to the community theatre and try out for musicals, along with much older kids and adults.
It was just so clear.
I also have wonderful memories of sitting in the driveway of our house in Palo Alto, California, watching the neighbor boy, Stanley, shoot baskets. I thought he was the most divine creature, and my mother tells me I would say, “He is just like a wonderful chocolate bar, and I want to eat him up.” Who says that? A child who has no filter and loves life as it is. And who hasn’t been told you aren’t supposed to think someone different from you is absolutely beautiful.
I was also in love with another four year old in the neighborhood, David, who I would play house with. And I loved my best friend, Leah, who lived across the street, and whose father was in theatre. And I loved running around the neighborhood to all the different families, especially around meal time, and especially the Mexican-American family whose mother made the most amazing food in the world.
Your light is the purest form of joy
My belief in becoming a great actress was so clear in fact that, for a period of time, I told people my name was “Candy”. I thought that was a great actress name, and it was the name of the character in the hit TV show at the time, Here Comes the Brides, who was in love with the character played by Bobby Sherman. Who I also loved. I was too young to realize it was really much more of a stripper name. 🙂
This was a period when I also developed a habit of singing little songs to myself. These songs could be about anything: going to the store, swinging on the swing set, eating dinner. Anything. And they always had the same basic melody. It never occurred to me to not just sing out loud whenever the desire hit me.
I share these memories because to me this was the last time I remember a time when I completely and fully was letting my true light shine. And when you are shining your light, you are pure in your joy for the world and those around you.
How to shine your light
What is this light?
Your true light is your:
Unique gifts to the world
Inner beauty and power
Connection to the universe
Potential to be all you can be
It’s what makes you, YOU.
So think back to a time when you know in your heart you were letting your light shine on the world and being your true self.
Try to hold that glimmer of light in your hand. And then try starting to do one thing that used to bring you that pure joy.
We will be talking a lot about more about this over the months to come!
It’s so easy for us to point fingers at men. If only there wasn’t sexism in the world. If only men would support women leaders more. But are women empowering women?
I absolutely agree there needs to be change in the world by everyone. I just find it hard to blame only the men. There is so much women can do for other women that we more times than not, we simply do not. Even though research now suggests women who support other women are more successful!
I often say that until all women are intentionally supporting other women, we have no right to blame others. This is because we are often our own worst enemy. Women who do make it in business and leadership often don’t support women trying to move up the ladder. I have worked for women leaders who surround themselves with white men. Diversity and inclusion is not on their agenda.
Have you ever seen a woman directly criticize or play down another woman’s light? If you are like most women I’ve asked this question, your answer is, “yes”.
INTENTIONAL SUPPORT DRIVES REAL CHANGE
Why is it important that we intentionally support each other? Because it’s the only way we will see real change.
When have women changed history? When women from different places and backgrounds banded together and gave each other unconditional support. That is how women’s suffrage was won. That is how we started to get more equality in pay.
But as we all know, we aren’t there yet.
At a recent conference, a successful woman scientist disagreed with my stance, saying that the only way to achieve change is by convincing the men in charge to push through change. If we had waited for the patriarchal system to do the right thing, we would see very few of the improvements we do have today. Systems only change when they realize opposition will not give up and will not stop fighting for a greater good.
How do we provide intentional support?
EIGHT ACTIONS WE CAN START DOING NOW
Declare intentional support:Women must intentionally support each other. Not just talk the talk, but truly walk the walk. The first way to give intentionally support is to say you will. Simple declarations made publicly often turn into action.
Mentor and coach other women: I feel like this is just a moral obligation for all of us that are in any type of leadership position. Girls and other women look up to you for guidance. So give it!
Hire & promote more women: Often, when I say this out-loud, I am greeted with a bit of a shock. Wait a minute, we can’t intentionally hire more women – that would be reverse sexism, wouldn’t it? Uh, no. Don’t apologize for intentionally seeking out and hiring more women. Just do it. We have a pipeline issue, and the only way it will change is by filling that pipeline with women.
Level the playing field: Don’t wait for permission. I have often assumed leadership of new teams and find that some people, usually women, are strikingly underpaid for their level and position. The first thing I do is ensure that all my equal levels and performers are getting paid equitably. That is just one way we can level the playing field.
Encourage our daughters (and sons!) to take risks: Way too often I have heard or seen parents giving their girls loving advice to not take the hard math class or not to do something too dangerous or not to stray too far from their social network. While I believe this is always done with best intentions, we need to push our children of all genders to stretch themselves, reach for the stars, and believe they can do anything they set their heart to.
Be nice to that “different” girl: We all know who this is. For many of you, like for me, it was you. The girl that was awkward, or geeky, or smart, or just, different from the popular girls. This follows us into adulthood. And while many of us grew out of our awkward stage or learned to conform so we didn’t stand out, we often still isolate or even criticize those women who take a different path. What if we accepted them 100 percent and even intentionally helped them? What amazing things could they do?
Call out bad behavior by men and women: So often, when sexist behavior or bullying does occur, no one says anything. We need to stand up for each other. The most frequent situation women always tell me about is in meetings, where they will be talked over or their ideas will be ignored until expressed again by a man. When you see bad behavior, call it out in a mature, calm way. But don’t just let it go.
Shine your light on others: We all have an amazing ability to shine, but too often we shine our light on ourselves to get attention or validation. What if we focused on shining the spotlight on others? This involves intentionally calling out a woman or man when they achieve something good or amazing. Put yourself second. Find ways to congratulate and promote the good works of others.
THE HARD WORK IS WORTH IT
I realize I’m making this sound easy, and it’s not always. In fact, I have experienced incredible resistance to these simple acts. People will fight you. People will say you are being sexist by focusing on hiring, promoting, and giving raises to women. But I have never done these things for people who aren’t deserving.
This isn’t about rewarding people who aren’t qualified. This is about making it right and equal for everyone.It’s also about making sure we are not actually doing more harm than good for other women.
It is also hard work. It means taking time, and sometimes, a lot of time, working with those women who haven’t had an equal chance. Mentoring, coaching, encouraging, pushing, stretching them. And it’s worth it.
Every time you intentionally support another woman, you receive 100 times worth of light back. It’s just the way the universe works.
On an airplane recently, I watched the HBO biographical documentary on Jane Fonda: Jane Fonda In Five Acts. The film takes you through Fonda’s life from childhood through the present day.
Throughout her life, Fonda struggled to figure out who she was, why she was here, and how to achieve self-validation.
Not surprisingly, she sought validation from others. Therefore, she never knew who “Jane” was outside the context of others. Her self-identity evolved as she went from being Henry Fonda’s daughter to a model, sex icon, actress, activist, and wife of a billionaire.
With each relationship and husband, she changed who she was. Even down to the clothes she wore, how she lived, and what she believed in. She states the following in her documentary:
“A lot of other people were defining me, all of them men. I never felt real. I thought, I just have to get out from under my father’s shadow. I was always in search of somebody who was real in there.” – Jane Fonda
It wasn’t until late in her life, when she left then-husband Ted Turner that she realized she did not need a man to be okay. Finally, she looked internally and learned self-validation. And with that, Jane Fonda found herself.
“It was probably the most profound turning point of my whole life. I left this man and one part of me was so sad. The other part of me said, ‘I’m gonna be okay. I don’t need a man to make me okay.’ That was it. And I’ve never looked back.” – Jane Fonda
Women often seek external validation through men
Her need for external validation through the eyes and words of men instead of herself resonated with me. I struggled with this most of my life. Like Fonda, I had to step away from a relationship and men for a while to realize it. For me, it started with craving validation from my father, who was an alcoholic. That’s a whole story in itself.
My own addiction to external validation continued and only worsened as I went through puberty and into my teenage years. In fact, I have distinct memories of thinking: if I could just get “that boy” or “that man” to like me, then I felt pretty or smart or good enough.
I went into every relationship with my foundation only being as strong as the external validation I received from the other person. Unfortunately, if you stop receiving the level of validation you need from that person, you look for it from someone else. Self-validation is rarely a consideration in this negative cycle.
Not surprisingly, this led to many relationships. I did not know how to develop strong bonds. Not helping the matter, I moved thirteen times in eighteen years. So, it was easy to let relationships and friendships go. I knew I was eventually moving to another town and another school and starting all over again anyway.
Many women use sex as the ultimate validation. If a man (or woman) finds you attractive enough to have sex with, then you must be more attractive and sexier than you think. The problem is sex then becomes a weapon you use on yourself and others. And a relationship founded on pure sexual attraction or manipulation is never the basis of solid grounding or, frankly, a loving relationship.
The art and science of differentiation
While I have read many books about reclaiming your sense of self and self-esteem, it was a book I read when my husband and I attended marriage counseling that stuck with me. Dr. David Schnarch, a psychiatrist, marriage therapist, and author of several books, teaches the idea of differentiation.
“Differentiation is a scientific process that occurs in all species. For humans, it is about becoming more of a unique individual and a solid person through relationships with others,” – Dr. Schnarch writes in his bookIntimacy and Desire.
Notice, he says becoming a solid person “through” relationships with others. In fact, his whole philosophy is you can’t even begin to have a healthy relationship or marriage if you are not solid in who you are, yourself. To do so, you need to achieve differentiation – which is self-validation and self-love.
Perhaps it sounds obvious. However, for many of us, this is extremely hard work and a life’s journey. Just like we see with Jane Fonda.
This book, as well as other hard work my husband and I did, helped me and us immensely. This included going to a marriage discovery workshop with Dr. Schnarch and his wife.
Becoming Grounded in Who We Are
“One of the most important things in life is becoming a solid individual.” – Dr. Schnarch
To be differentiated is to be grounded in yourself. Therefore, you only need validation from within YOU. Not from outside or from other people.
Here’s how I internalize this. Think about how it feels to be securely grounded to the earth. Like a sturdy tree whose branches can move in the breeze, but the wind cannot knock the tree over.
Imagine yourself like that tree.
Your feet are solidly planted in who you are and in your own validation. Other people’s opinions of you or input they give you might sway you slightly, but they will not invalidate you or change who you are. Above all, they will not ever knock you over.
We are all searching for the answer
Perhaps, not surprisingly, much of this film talked directly about the themes discussed here on MargaretDawson.comand in mypresentations.
It doesn’t matter if you are rich or poor, famous or unknown. We all struggle with feelings of not being good enough. As a result, we are all searching to find our own true light.
I know Fonda has collected many enemies over her life, but I am a fan.
It takes amazing courage to stand up for what you believe in.
It takes even more courage to keep working on self-discovery and to become differentiated, no matter how old you are or the history behind you.
Do you ask yourself “Who am I?” or “Why am I here?” Psychology loves to call this the Imposter Syndrome, but I think it’s more than that.
When growing up, I continually asked the universe and prayed to God to answer these vital questions. I wanted someone to give me a declarative answer; to take away the pain I felt of always feeling unsure of who I was or why I was put on this planet. Some people seem to have such clarity in their sense of self and purpose in life. So I assumed that I just hadn’t received the answer yet. Hopefully, someday, I would find the holy grail of life’s purpose and have the answer.
Of course, I learned later this was also part of my constant belief that I was never good enough the way I was. And if only I could figure out who I was, then I would be good enough.
If you are nodding your head, I will tell you that nearly everyone feels this way and has asked these questions. Many people still do.
The first time I realized this was a universal phenomenon, I was shocked. I was speaking to a room full of successful, women leaders in the technology industry. I asked the audience if they ever asked themselves the question “who am I” or “why am I here?” Nearly every hand in the room went up.
That’s when a light bulb went off in my head.
Our Internal Identity vs our External image
Somewhere along the way many of us have lost sight of who we are.
On the outside, we may appear to be confident and assured with a clear sense of self. But on the inside, we are filled with doubts and suffering from imposter syndrome.
You know the experience. You walk into a meeting or some gathering where you assume everyone else there is more competent and qualified than you. Everyone else deserves to be there. However, you do not. You anticipate the horrible moment when everyone discovers you don’t belong. That you are not good enough.
A few years ago, I developed a fabulous way to combat the imposter syndrome. I think back to a book I used to read my children, titled, Everybody Poops.
The book is designed to teach children how everyone is the same. I think it’s also a fun way to help toilet train toddlers. But for me, the book has become my mantra when I walk into a room. I use it to remind myself that no matter how beautiful, successful, talented or wealthy everyone else is or might be, at some point, they all sit on a toilet with a naked bum and poop. Oh, and their poop probably stinks, too. (I added that part; the book doesn’t talk about smells!)
This beautiful mantra helps me go from insecure to confident and often results in me entering these situations with a little grin on my face. This makes others usually assume I am feeling confident in who I am. Ironically, as we now know, they are probably suffering from imposter syndrome themselves.
Rediscovering Why You are Here
So, I am now going to reveal to you that age-old question of WHY YOU ARE HERE.
Are you ready?
You are here to be . . . YOU.
Yep, that’s it. You are on this planet to be the wonderful you only you can be.
But there is a caveat. It’s not just any you.
You are here to be the absolute best version of yourself — you in all your glory. Not hiding your talents, or questioning who you are, or trying to be something you are not because you think that’s what others want.
You are here to be the YOU that you were born to be.
The reason we keep asking this question is we have somehow lost or dimmed our light. We have forgotten who that perfect, raw, unique self we were when we were little. When the only thing we knew to be was who we were or who we are.
There’s a verse in the bible that talks about “man” being created in God’s perfect image. It’s true. You are more than good enough. You are perfect – just the way you are.
I think singer Pink says it best in her song, F**king Perfect. Put this on your mirror and tell yourself every morning, “I am perfect!”
Pretty, pretty please, don’t you ever ever feel
Like you’re less than f***in’ perfect
Pretty pretty please, if you ever, ever feel like you’re nothing
You’re f***in’ perfect to me!
You are perfect just the way you are! Go out there and let your true light shine, baby!
I saw the surgeon, and she confirmed I had an 
The lesson I remember most was her attempt to teach me the power of being feminine and competent.
Think back to when you were three or four years old – or whatever your earliest memory is.
What is this light?
