by Margaret Dawson | Mar 8, 2020 | Forgiving Yourself
I see one of my lunch regulars, Bob, as I head back out to the floor with two glasses of White Zinfandel for my “ladies who lunch” table. Please have them leave me more than a $2.00 tip today, I pray silently.
I drop off the wine and head to Bob’s table.
“Happy Friday,Bob,” I say with a genuine smile, not just my waitress smile. I like Bob.
“How are you today?” I ask
“Good,” he says. “How are you holding up?”
“I am surviving,” I respond.
“Margaret, I want you to meet my client, John,” Bob says, indicating to the man across the booth.
“Great to meet you, John. Bob is one of my favorite guests, “ I say with all sincerity, but also to give Bob a little ego boost.
John nods but no response. Wow, a rough crowd for both me and Bob. This man needs to relax, I think.
“So can I bring you boys a drink while you review the menu? Bob, I’m assuming you want your regular?”
“Yes, please,” Bob winks.
“Oh, we’re having a drink?” John asks. “That is great news. I will have a gin and tonic with lime.” He finally breaks a smile.
“Do you have a preference of gin?” I inquire.
“Of course. I’d like Beefeater.” John states.
“Sounds good. Also, just want you both to know we do have a couple of specials not on our fresh sheet. Clam chowder is our soup, which is one of our signature dishes. And the chef has created a squid ink fettuccine with fresh crab in a lemon cream sauce that is absolutely incredible,” I explain.
Adding, “I’ll be back with your drinks in a flash.”
Helping an alcoholic fit into society
I punch in the drink order and head to the bar.
“Hey Jeff,” I greet the bartender. “That order I just put in for a beefeaters and tonic and then just a tonic with lime. Make them look exactly the same. Put tonic in a tumbler not a soda glass, please. It’s for Bob.”
“Ah, got it,” Jeff nods.
“Thanks – I owe you,” I say as I walk back out to my section to check on my other tables. Jeff knows there’s a tip in it for him, and Bob always gives me a large tip, so I’m good.
It’s a simple thing I do for Bob. Help him not have to talk about the fact he doesn’t drink. To help him look like every other businessman (and the rare woman) having lunch at this expensive, waterfront seafood restaurant in Seattle.
When I first met Bob, he came to lunch alone. We started chatting, and before we both knew it, he was telling me he was a recovered alcoholic. But he was always having to take clients out to “two drink” lunches, which he hated.
And that was when we made our pact. I would always ask if he wanted his “regular”, and I would make sure his tonic water was served in the same glass as the alcoholic drinks. It was a win win.
Society makes drinking alcohol a requirement
I was recently reminded of Bob as I read the book: This Naked Mind, by Annie Grace.
The book discusses how alcohol, unlike any other drug, is a societal requirement. Every party, dinner, business gathering, sales discussion, girls night out, or any other event, is assumed to include alcohol. In fact, we often depend on it.
Meanwhile, if you don’t drink at any of these gatherings, people almost always ask why. Because, after all, doesn’t everyone want a drink at the end of a hard day or over the weekend or during a football game?
That’s why non drinkers or recovered alcoholics, or people just trying to not drink so much, have to come up with a ploy. A way to fit in. Like Bob. It’s sad but true. I often will drink club soda with lime.
Regardless, you always have to answer the question: “Why aren’t you drinking?” And when you tell them you are trying to cut down or just not drinking for a while, they immediately go into a diatribe of why they like alcohol. Or, I’ve even had people question me for my choice of abstinence.
My daughter, who’s going to medical school and has been moderating her own drinking, recommended the book to me months ago. But I forgot about it. Then, during a recent search on Amazon, the book came up again. I was looking for something to help me deal with alcoholism in our family, which I’ve always assumed is in our Irish genes.
My father was an alcoholic, and died much too young. Because of him and the amount of drinking I witnessed my entire childhood, I’m hyper-sensitive to the whole topic and how many people drink too much, too easily.
However, that never stopped me from drinking.
Isn’t moderate drinking of red wine actually good for you?
In my own mind, I am above the fray of those people who down a million beers or drink hard alcohol. I tell myself that I am in control, and I model moderate, “healthy” drinking habits for my children and team.
I don’t drink more than two drinks in one sitting, and I only drink red wine. Well, and Rose, which is from red grapes. And only French Rose, because it’s more “pure”.
It’s the “healthy” alcohol, I tell myself. Many articles even confirm that. Turns out, red wine provides zero heart health benefit. WTF?
Justifications aside, if I’m to be honest, I was and have been drinking a LOT of red wine. It has become part of my persona. Margaret loves red wine. Everyone knows that.
I have a sign in my kitchen that reads, “I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food.” My son gave me a dish towel for my birthday that says, “The first thing on my bucket list is to fill my bucket with wine.”
Specifically, I like expensive red wine, ideally from Italy or France. Big, bold, earthy red wines. “Boujee” wines, as my children call it.
The author of This Naked Mind calls bullshit on all of this (my words not hers).
Grace simply states that Alcohol is the only drug that we justify taking because of its so-called amazing taste and heritage.
What’s more, alcohol is the only drug that gets pushed on us in nearly every social occasion. You would never ask someone, “What, you aren’t shooting up heroin tonight?” Or “What do you mean you’re not having another joint?”
Turns out alcohol is a highly addictive drug
While I do always try to limit my intake to two glasses, there has been more than one event where someone kept filling up my wine glass without my realizing it, resulting in me drinking much more than I intended and getting sick. And yet, I go right back to drinking wine the next night in spite of that.
Can you think of another thing you put in your body after it makes you sick? Probably not.
This is because alcohol is a highly addictive DRUG, as the author not so gently states.
This fact slapped me in the face.
Wait, alcohol is a drug? I thought as I read the book.
Alcohol is highly addictive? I pondered.
I mean, I knew alcohol was addictive to alcoholics, who could not help themselves, but to everyone?
Yes, everyone. We all get addicted to alcohol over time. That’s how it works with drugs. Some people can control it, but most of us can’t.
Therefore, whether you’ve been diagnosed as an “alcoholic” or not – even if you’re just a social drinker – you are still addicted to alcohol.
The author tells her story of how she, over time, went from being a social drinker to consuming two bottles of red wine every night, without even thinking about it.
She asks in the book: “Are you drinking more than you were three years ago?”
To be honest, my answer is yes.
I decided to stop drinking for Lent and to try to have more empathy with our son. But after reading this book, I’m not sure Lent matters anymore.
Now, I don’t want to drink, because I’m re-evaluating the whole reason I do drink.
Why do really healthy people drink alcohol?
Ten years ago, I was diagnosed as gluten intolerant. Wheat and gluten were making me sick. So, I stopped. Cold turkey. As soon as the doctor told me I had celiac disease, I stopped eating anything with gluten.
When I do eat gluten, typically because there is flour in something I did not suspect, I get sick.
Do I miss bread? Yes. I still love the smell of sourdough bread or fresh, hot rolls served in a basket with butter. And I mourn the loss of bread in my life. However, wheat is like poison in my body, so I don’t eat it.
Sometimes people ask me how I do it. Often, in response, they declare how they could never stop eating bread. I always answer simply, “sure you could, if it made you sick.”
In addition to not eating gluten, I am a healthy eater. I eat a lot of vegetables, take small portions to keep me from overeating, and don’t eat much of anything out of a can or a box.
And I am mostly successful at exercising regularly.
I’m a healthy person, dammit, I told myself as I read this book. Drinking wine is my only vice.
Besides, I love the taste of wine.
I never once thought that my beloved red wine was poisoning my body – just like gluten. I never thought of it as a drug.
Is Drinking Alcohol Slowing Killing Us All?
Without judgement, this book presents facts and new perspectives about alcohol that makes you stop and think. She isn’t patronizing or condescending.
She just lays out the facts and encourages you to tell the truth about alcohol to yourself, especially your subconscious. The subconscious is where our habits and addictions live, even if we are consciously telling ourselves we don’t want to drink.
Here are just some of the facts this book lays out to illustrate how alcohol is harmful to our health. The author compiled this information from statistically relevant studies, and asks you to draw your own conclusions.
Drinking alcohol leads to disease and death
The World Health Organization (WHO) says alcohol is a causal factor in sixty types of diseases and injuries. WHO also notes that alcohol has surpassed AIDS as the world’s leading risk factor for death among males aged 15 to 59.
There are 88,000 alcohol-related deaths in the U.S. alone every year.
Two million Americans suffer from alcohol related liver disease, making it a leading cause of illness and death.
Drinking causes steatosis or “fatty liver,” which makes it harder for your liver to operate and clean toxins in your body. Statistically, 25% of heavy drinkers will develop cirrhosis of the liver. Other typical outcomes are liver cancer and type-2 diabetes.
Your brain is hurt by alcohol
As soon as alcohol enters your system, it slows the pace of neurotransmission, interrupting your brain’s communication pathways. It slows down your responsiveness and deadens your senses.
Everyone knows alcohol hinders motor coordination. Thus, why police use the “walk the straight line” test.
In addition, severe, chronic depression and heavy drinking are closely linked. It’s ironic that many people think drinking will take away their loneliness or depression. When, in fact, the opposite is true.
Just one bout of heavy drinking can cause permanent alterations in your nerve cells and reduce the size of individual brain cells. (Heavy drinking is defined as five drinks in two hours for men and four drinks in two hours for women.)
Alcohol weakens the heart muscle
Alcohol makes the heart muscle sag and stretch, making it impossible to contract properly.
Without proper contraction, the heart is not able to transport enough oxygen to your organs and tissues. And that is all very important for our health and, obviously, in staying alive.
Our immune system is compromised by alcohol
Alcohol disrupts the production of cytokines, which are critical to our immune system.
This one really hit me, because I focus on my immunity – a LOT. For example, I take EmergenC, with 1,000 milligrams of Vitamin C, twice a day. Plus, I take a special immunity supplement every night.
I make sure my daily intake of vitamins includes an immunity-boosting level of Vitamin D, Zinc and Vitamin B, as well as others.
Diet wise, I eat a lot of dark green, leafy vegetables. I wipe down my airplane seat every time I fly. And the list goes on.
I never thought my glass of wine was hurting my immunity. To be honest, I thought it might be actually helping it.
Even light, moderate drinking can cause major health problems
Light drinking (yes, moderate drinking) was associated with higher cancer risks for many types of cancer, including breast cancer. In fact, women who consume just THREE alcoholic drinks per week increase their breast cancer risk by 15%.
The kicker for me: Alcohol reduces life expectancy by ten to 12 years, according to research the author quotes. And yes, even moderate drinking.
Shit.
Questioning why I drink and if I can stop
The facts above just scratch the surface of what the book outlines. After reading the book entirely, I went back and highlighted key sections. Every day, I go back in and read a few paragraphs in order to embed this into my brain.
I am now asking myself, “why do I drink?”
For one, it’s been around me my whole life. I can’t remember a dinner or party or social occasion where I did not see my parents or other adults drinking.
In college, it was just what you did. Drinking showed we were adults. Drinking in college is a tradition.
At some point, drinking wine became a habit. A habit – just like drinking coffee in the morning, brushing my teeth, praying, or doing yoga. However, with wine, it is not a healthy habit.
Turns out, alcohol is a carcinogen. Yep. The International Agency for Research on Cancer (IARC) declared alcohol a carcinogen in 1988, according to the book.
Alcohol contains ethanol, the same ingredient as the fuel we put in our car. That image really got me. I don’t do drugs. I am healthy. I do things in moderation. Yet, I am pouring gasoline down my body, typically at the rate of two glasses a night.
Okay, I know it’s not exactly the same as gasoline, but it’s also not that different.
Giving yourself permission to be free of alcohol
One of the ways I try to change the voice in my head is through a “mantra”: a simple statement I say to myself over and over again.
I put my mantra on sticky notes in key places: on my computer monitor, on the refrigerator, on my bathroom mirror, etc.
My mantra for the coming days or weeks is this:
“I am Strong, I am Healthy, I am Free.”
Why am I saying “free”? Because in the book, the author talks about freedom from alcohol. Alcohol is not our friend. It slowly kills us.
I want to be free from this addiction. I don’t need to have alcohol in my life.
In fact, I am healthier without it. Already, after just one week, I can feel the difference when I am running on the treadmill. My breath is easier. My heart rate is slower.
However, I will be honest, I am still processing this information and mourning the loss of my close companion: wine.
Last night, we went to our favorite bar for dinner. I had a cranberry and club soda served in a wine glass. Yes, it made me feel better to have a wine glass in my hand, I admit it. But having two non-alcoholic drinks did not change the evening at all. We chatted, laughed, ate a burger, and had fun.
More importantly, I drove home knowing without a doubt I was sober.
Will I never drink again? I don’t know. However, I do know I will never look at alcohol the same way.
Alcohol put my father in the grave at 63, and he missed seeing his grandchildren grow up.
I want to be here. For a long time.
by Margaret Dawson | Sep 4, 2019 | Forgiving Yourself
CHILD POVERTY REALITY CHECK
I have seen poverty over my life, from the ghettos of Detroit and Los Angeles to the slums of Tijuana and to the homeless of Seattle. But when I moved to the Washington Coast two years ago, I discovered a hidden face of impoverished America. Children of poor, disenfranchised small-town families and Native American children on and off reservations.
It’s similar to what you read about in Hillbilly Elegy about the poor Americans in the Appalachian region, where once-booming industries, like coal mining, collapsed or moved away and nothing came in its place. In the Northwest, those industries were fishing and logging. But the result was the same. Families didn’t move when the jobs departed, they just fell into a multi-generational cycle of poverty and despair.
According to official government stats, some 20 percent of children in the United States live in poverty. That’s more than 16 million children or one in every five. What does that look like? If there are thirty kids in a classroom, then six of those children probably did not have dinner last night. Maybe not breakfast either, unless the school offered free breakfast. They may have spent the night in a shelter, or their car, or on the street.
A side effect of poverty is homelessness. Some 2.5 million children experience homelessness every year, according to the National Center on Family Homelessness. How can children possibly learn to shine their light when they have no home or stability?
THE SITUATION IS WORSE THAN THE STATS
I believe the numbers are much higher. The “official” poverty level for a family of four is about US$27,000. However, in many U.S. cities, towns and rural communities, this income doesn’t even support one person, let alone a family of four.
Therefore, there’s a huge hidden number of children living in households not officially poor but without enough money for housing, food and other basic needs.
These children don’t just miss out on three meals a day or a roof over their head or college education. A poor child risks losing his or her very childhood by living in constant fear. Will there be food in the house? Will we be able to pay the rent? And for many, they wonder, “Will I ever get out of here?” The answer for most is, unfortunately, no.
I share here two typical stories of children in my town (names and some details have been altered for privacy). Plus, I offer some ideas of what we all can do to help. I hope you will add to this.
A Child Poverty Story: Tommy
Tommy walks down the school hallway. At first glance, he looks like every other 15-year-old at this small high school. Jeans, t-shirts, converse shoes. But if you look closer, you start to see some subtle differences. Pants are too short and loose around his skinny waist. Shoes are dirty. And his eyes are searching like a hesitant doe wanting to cross the street.
Is it safe to duck into the library? Tommy questions as he scans the entire area. Most of the students are in the cafeteria, so this open, lobby area outside of the library is relatively quiet.
He walks through the main library door only to make an immediate right into an office. Walking through this cramped room, he opens another door into a back quiet area, closing the door as he enters.
There are a couple of other students there, eating lunch and scanning their phones. He puts his backpack down and grabs a bowl from the counter, ignoring the others.
Lifting the lid on the huge crock pot, he spoons some chili into his bowl. He then grabs a spoon and some bread lying next to the pot.
Maybe cornbread, he hopes, like Grams used to make.
Everyone in this room knows not to talk about this place. It’s their sanctuary. Where they can eat lunch without anyone knowing they don’t have money for lunch or that their parents never filled out the paperwork to get free lunch.
SCHOOL ANGELS TRYING TO HELP
Mrs. Smith pops her head in, and when she sees the three children, she steps inside and closes the door behind her. Mrs. Smith is a homeless advocate and student counselor. It is not part of her job description to feed these children. But she rallied a group of volunteers in this small coastal community to make sure there is a hot meal every school day in the room behind her office.
“How’s everybody doing today?” she asks.
Teenage grunts greet her in response.
“Is the chili good?” she asks, “I haven’t had time to try any yet. Mrs. McClaron made it just for you,” she adds.
“Could be spicier,” Tommy jokes. “Or maybe we could get some hot sauce for the room, since I know not everyone has my spicy mouth.” He gives Mrs. Smith his large white-toothed grin, blowing wisps of shoulder-length black hair that slipped onto his face as he looked up.
“That’s a good idea,” Mrs. Smith smiles as she validates his simple idea.
Tommy is one of the lucky ones, she thinks, as she watches this beautiful Native American boy eat his lunch.
His mom works two jobs to pay the rent and give him the basics. She adores him – she knows by how his mom looks at her son. Before she died, his grandma lived with them, too, and helped take care of him. There’s no dad in the picture. She brainstorms silently about any potential man she could get to mentor him. She should probably ask one of the tribal advisors.
But at least there are no drugs or alcohol, and they have a place to live. Sure, not a lot of food in the kitchen or extra money for clothes, but a loving, safe home.
MANY POOR CHILDREN DEAL WITH MORE THAN MONEY ISSUES
Unlike Madison, who’s sitting on the green, worn couch across the room from Tommy.
Her dad is an alcoholic and appears to be constantly stoned. He supposedly can’t work because of some injury for which he draws a disability pension every month. However, that never seems to keep him from volunteering at the Elks Club in exchange for free booze. Her mom is either in jail or a mental hospital – Mrs. Smith has never been able to get the full story.
Madison lives in a beat-up house on one of the canals that needs painting and a new roof. She works more than 20 hours a week at the coffee shop just to pay the rent so they don’t get evicted. She’d work more if she could, but 20 hours is the max allowed while going to school.
One more year, Mrs Smith thinks. I just need to get her through one more year of school.
Madison is a junior. The counselor wants to make sure this smart girl graduates from high school. After that, who knows, but at least she wouldn’t add high school drop out to the long list of barriers to breaking the poverty cycle.
SCHOOLS ARE OFTEN FILLING THE GAPS
“By the way, there are some volunteers here today in The Closet with a bunch of clothes for Prom. So, if you don’t have a dress or suit to wear, you can go in there and see what they have in your size,” she encourages them, knowing none of the children in this room have clothes to wear to the prom. “And a bunch of the clothes are brand new or barely worn.”
The Closet is a back room behind the school office. It’s where the kids can go find a pair of jeans, a shirt, or a jacket in the winter, as well as basic toiletries and other supplies. It’s managed by volunteers who are constantly asking and searching for clothes and shoes for the some 200 kids at this school who live in poverty.
Some of the kids only go to The Closet out of desperation, like the 17-year-old girl whose jeans ripped apart during the day because they were at least a size too small. Like any poor child, she didn’t want to bring attention to herself or her situation. Fortunately, she found a pair of pants that fit, and the volunteer recommended a sweater her size, too, since it was chilly that day.
“Oh, and the Elks club is donating a bunch of prom tickets, so you don’t have to worry about that either,” she adds casually. Prom tickets are $25 per person, so this takes away another hurdle for these students.
A Child Poverty Story: Madison
I meet Madison at the coffee shop in town where she works. The high school counselor introduced us over Facebook when I asked her if there was a family we could sponsor for Christmas.
Every year for as long as I can remember, we have sponsored a family in need, buying gifts and dinner for the family. When my kids were young, we’d try to help a family who had children around the same age, so my children could really participate and pick out gifts a peer would like.
But this year with no children left at home and having moved to a new town, I wasn’t sure how we would find someone. Fortunately (or unfortunately), the school had plenty of families in need.
Madison walks toward the table where I’m sipping coffee, waiting for her to get off work. I quickly scan this young beauty. Skinny. Long, curly, auburn hair straight out of the Brave movie, big dramatic eyes, and skin as pale and translucent as the moon.
I stand up. “Madison? I ask. She nods, but makes no sound.
“I’m Margaret. Mrs. Smith introduced us, and I think told you about me?” I offer as a starting point.
“Yeah,” she responds.
I notice she is quivering, like that nervous chihuahua my girlfriend owns.
“Is now still a good time?” I ask
“Sure, it’s fine,” she says, and sits down on a chair across from me.
IT TAKES TIME TO BUILD TRUST
I open my notebook and start asking simple questions, hoping if we just stick to facts maybe it won’t be so scary for her.
“Tell me about your family and what you think they’d like for Christmas,” I say to her.
For the next thirty minutes, we go through each person in her family. Her father, her sister, her nephew, her mom who doesn’t live with them but she will come to their house for Christmas, and her boyfriend. Each one, I ask her what they like to do or if there was something they would really love to get as a Christmas gift.
By the end, she is looking me in the eye and the nervous shaking has stopped. It takes all my control to not just wrap her in my arms and hold her, but she’s not a little child, and she’s not my child, even though I can tell she needs some mama loving.
It’s getting late, and she has homework and school tomorrow, so we agree to talk again in a couple of days to figure out when to go shopping in town where there’s a big Walmart.
“Do you need a ride home,” I ask.
“Um . . . sure. Okay,” she slowly answers.
We get in my car, and as I drive out of the parking lot, I follow my gut instinct that is telling me she is hungry.
POOR CHILDREN RARELY GET TO JUST BE “KIDS”
“Have you had dinner?” I ask.
“No, they don’t give us any food at work really,” she explains.
“Do you have stuff at home for dinner?” I prod gently.
She shrugs.
“Well, I need to stop at the grocery store and get a couple things, so why don’t you come with me and we’ll get some chicken and salad or something good for dinner,” I offer.
“Okay, that would be nice,” she says.
We get enough grilled chicken and pre-made salad for dinner for everyone at home. With more prodding, she admits there is nothing for breakfast either, so we pick out some yogurt, milk, cereal, bananas, and eggs.
Every question I ask is followed by a long silence and a shrug, which I’m learning means “yes” in her silent language.
I drive her home and help her carry the bags into the house. As soon as she opens the door, I am hit with an overwhelming potpourri of cat urine, pot smoke and a smell I can only describe as despair.
This was the first of many times we would go grocery shopping together, which felt like a drop in the bucket of what she needs. But as advocates will tell you, these children have parents or guardians, and you need to walk a fine line in helping them.
Maybe I can’t save her. But I can at least feed her and hug her.
WHAT CAN WE DO FOR THESE CHILDREN?
Child poverty is not sexist, racist or ageist. It impacts all parts of society. But some sectors of America are hit harder. The highest poverty rate by race is found among Native Americans at nearly 28% (some say 40%), followed by African Americans (26%), Hispanics (23%), Whites (12%), and Asians (12%).
Often, children’s welfare and poverty becomes a political issue. But this is not about politics, and I don’t care what side of the aisle you are on or if you are a-political. This is about investing in the future, and giving all children a chance to reach their full potential.
It’s impossible for these children to shine their true light, when they don’t even have enough food to eat.
Regardless of geography or race, all children have the same basic needs. Food, housing, clothes, school supplies, and the hardest of them all, unconditional love.
7 IDEAS FOR MAKING A DIFFERENCE
I am not an expert in poverty of child welfare. So my ideas here are probably just scratching the service, but I do believe there are small ways we can all help these children. Maybe if we each changed the lives of one child, we could stop, or at least slow down, the cycle of poverty and welfare.
1. Donate to your local school or charity:
Many school districts now have foundations to funnel private money into public institutions. If your district does not, find out how to help school children in your area by contacting school counselors or principals, or work through local charities focused on children. For example, my town has a free lunch program for children, completely managed by volunteers and donations. One of the easiest ways to help is to donate food or money to your local food bank!
2. Donate to a national nonprofit focused on poor children:
There are many great organizations that serve children in need, such as Save the Children, Feed the Children, and many others.
3. Sponsor children or a family for a holiday:
Most schools, churches and other religious groups help organize gift giving over special holidays, like Christmas or Hanukkah. Serving as a secret Santa or sponsoring a family gives these children one day where they can be a kid and hopefully feel spoiled. I sometimes took the mother shopping, so the gifts were more personal, and she could buy food she knew how to cook.
4. Volunteer your time and expertise:
Even if you have zero money to donate, you can make a big difference in the life of a child. Many schools love having volunteers help with projects or special topics, from math to computer science to cooking. Or you can really focus on impacting a child by becoming a big sister or brother. I did this when I lived in Detroit right out of college. While I achieved my main goal of helping my little sister graduate high school and not getting pregnant, I think I learned more about myself and the realities of life. I’ll never forget what her father once told me, when I offered to help him get a job. “Don’t try to save me because I don’t need saving, just be a great role model and big sister to my daughter,” he said.
5. Tutor or coach:
Helping all children finish high school and go on to a trade school, community college, or university would break the cycle and help not only that child but his or her family. If you can help tutor a child to help them graduate or improve their scores on the SAT, you could be changing their life. Also, many adults have coached sports teams or individual athletes and given personal attention and encouragement to the children involved. Many children have had coaches who changed their lives.
6. Hire teenagers (or adults) at risk:
If you are a business owner, think about how you can make a difference in your local community. Many teenagers need to work to help pay the bills and put food on the table. But you can not only give someone a job, you can be a role model and help them see a future. While a minimum wage job may not be the answer long term, many organizations promote and train young people and give them a career.
7. Sponsor a child’s education:
If you do have the financial ability to give more, you could set up a college fund or scholarship for underprivileged children. Most universities and colleges have programs, or you can also establish a 529 fund for a specific child to cover college fees.
What ideas do you have to help everyone make a difference?
Would love to hear your stories and suggestions.
by Connie Cermak | Jun 5, 2019 | Forgiving Yourself
Every day, I find myself trying to control how much I withhold my desire to control. Believe me, the irony doesn’t escape me.
What brought me to the sudden realization that I’m a control freak? Transference. The formal definition of transference is a way of responding to situations in the present by drawing on patterns of behavior formed in childhood.
In laymen’s terms, it means transferring feelings from one situation, or person, to another. A good example of this is when we don’t like something about ourselves, we often transfer the feelings of dislike to others who exhibit our same behavior.
Pondering why I surround myself with so many control freaks, and insisting it was them and not me, I called my therapist. She started posing challenging questions, beginning with how do I feel when others try to control me? There was no escaping her. Somehow, I knew this went back to my childhood. A place I’ve spent years working to accept, and I really don’t like to revisit. But revisit we did, until I understood my deep-seated need to control.
A Control Freak is Often Escaping Fear of the Unknown
From the outside, my family was as typical as it gets. But on the inside, we had a complicated household best described as unwanted surprises and walking on eggshells. Anger filled the air like smoke from a fire, drifting in, then blowing out. We never really knew when, or for how long it would linger.
Over time, being a control freak equated to survival. But it took an epiphany to see how trying to avoid the discomfort of the unknown was making me miserable. And probably annoying others around me, too.
What is Control Really About?
It typically boils down to fear. Fear of not knowing how someone will respond or react to a situation at any given moment. Or fear of not knowing if you’ll have lunch money… if you feel safe… if you belong, etc.
Abraham Maslow teaches us through his infamous Hierarchy of Needs, that to be fully happy, our basic needs must be met first. Simple, right? Not so much. It starts with physiological needs, then safety, then belonging. When all of these aren’t met, fear slips in.
All of these fears are a natural part of growing up to some degree. In some cases, they serve to protect us and make us resilient. But when fear tips the scale of what’s normal, we blossom into the controlling adults that we are today.
Six Signs That You May Be a Control Freak
- You’d rather do everything yourself than delegate.
- You’re a perfectionist.
- You have extremely high standards for yourself – and others.
- You can be hypercritical of yourself – and others.
- You’re the Grande Dame of unsolicited advice.
- You tell people what they should do – often in an awkward, playful way (only you aren’t kidding).
Being Aware of Controlling Tendencies
Once I became aware that I was every bit as controlling as the people around me, I set my sights on self-awareness. After all, it’s okay to control certain situations, yet so much of what I say without thinking is often unnecessary and pretty controlling.
For example:
“Don’t go that way… this way is shorter.”
“You can’t go barefoot… what about your feet?”
“Take these leftovers…no seriously – take them!”
“That doesn’t look like my signature… let me do it again.”
“That color looks great on you… you should wear it more often.”
“I’ve got to go back and get my phone… I’ll just be a few minutes late.”
All of these actions suggest a need for control in one way or another.
In my opinion, being late is the most selfish act of control, and boy have I been guilty. When I don’t want to meet with someone I take control by arriving late. Two minutes, ten minutes; It’s not about the time. It’s about something I’m not ready to face. An honest conversation? Feeling vulnerable or insecure? Like many, it’s a subconscious act. The worst part is that by being late, I’m actually being downright rude. And I’m not alone in this. Have you ever Googled: “Why Being Late is Rude?”
Naturally, this is an ongoing process. And now when I see myself dragging behind schedule, I ask myself what’s the unknown that I’m so uncomfortable with? And then… I face it head-on.
FIVE STEPS TO LETTING GO OF CONTROL
1. GAIN AWARENESS
When you like someone but something about them gets under your skin, ask yourself: Do they have any qualities or characteristics that remind me of my own behaviors that I don’t like? Do they have behaviors that remind me of someone in my past? If necessary, ask a friend for input.
If you have a habit of being late, tackle this in a couple of ways. Ask yourself why you don’t want to meet with them. Tardiness is about avoidance. It’s a giant red flag that something needs to be addressed. Your new-found awareness should keep you on time.
Create some stakes for being late. Pick up the tab every time you’re late, and you’ll see how fast picking up the tab ads up. If you prefer a more positive approach, reward yourself for being early ten times in a row. Then keep increasing it by ten more times.
2. EMBRACE IMPERFECTION
Stop beating yourself up. In fact, stop beating others up, too. Embracing imperfection creates the space to allow more people in, instead of pushing them out. Realizing that life goes on when we’re not perfect allows us to open up to new possibilities and solutions. It might also give someone else the chance to save the day or let their light shine. It’s not always about you!
3. MEDITATE, PRAY, RELAX
Great news for my fellow control freaks. The mindfulness movement is real! I recently read a book called Altered Traits, How Meditation Changes Your Mind, Brain and Body. Authors Daniel Goleman and Richard Danielson explain how the mind can actually change the brain through meditation. Yes, mindfulness is an excellent way to release the desire to control.
4. SHIFT YOUR MINDSET
Control your thoughts, instead of others. Once you’re aware of your own thoughts and comments, you can capture them and redirect them to a place of open-mindedness and calm. Dr. Lissa Rankin explains in her book, The Fear Cure, Cultivating Courage as Medicine for the Mind, Body & Soul, that we all have a “small-self” inside where fear still lives. I love this quote from her book:
“It’s important to be gentle with your Small Self as it tries to impose its inherited rules and false fears. This part of your psyche needs your compassion too. Rejection only makes your Small Self act up. Instead, offer love.
5. FORGIVE YOURSELF
Once you’ve identified that you’re a control freak, if you’re like me, you might beat yourself up at the realization that your need to control is annoying the people you love. This is a very typical response so stop the negative self-talk and praise yourself for identifying the emotions that are driving your need to control.
Secondly, In his five steps to stop being controlling, Dr. Oz suggests, one of the big ones is practicing compassion and self-acceptance. In my words: forgive yourself. Control is a natural part of life. We all do it to some degree. I’ve forgiven myself for trying to control the people I love instead of doing the hard work of figuring out what emotions I’m stuffing. I hope that you’ll forgive yourself, too.
Start Small and Celebrate Your New-Found Self Awareness
Allowing things to happen organically usually results in smoother processes and more positive results for everyone. Trusting myself to let go of fear and the unknown – no matter what happens, opens me and everyone else up to greater possibilities, more joy, more freedom, and deeper connections.
Like so many things in life, I often want fast results. but I’ve been doing this control thing for a long time, I know better than to expect an overnight miracle. Each day, I try letting go of something, and then I celebrate. I ask good friends to help keep me on track. And I thank them when they do.
From one recovering control freak to another, I can tell you: you’ve got this!
by Margaret Dawson | Apr 17, 2019 | Forgiving Yourself, True To Yourself
Why We Suffer From Imposter Syndrome
Do you ask yourself “Who am I?” or “Why am I here?” Psychology loves to call this the Imposter Syndrome, but I think it’s more than that.
When growing up, I continually asked the universe and prayed to God to answer these vital questions. I wanted someone to give me a declarative answer; to take away the pain I felt of always feeling unsure of who I was or why I was put on this planet. Some people seem to have such clarity in their sense of self and purpose in life. So I assumed that I just hadn’t received the answer yet. Hopefully, someday, I would find the holy grail of life’s purpose and have the answer.
Of course, I learned later this was also part of my constant belief that I was never good enough the way I was. And if only I could figure out who I was, then I would be good enough.
If you are nodding your head, I will tell you that nearly everyone feels this way and has asked these questions. Many people still do.
The first time I realized this was a universal phenomenon, I was shocked. I was speaking to a room full of successful, women leaders in the technology industry. I asked the audience if they ever asked themselves the question “who am I” or “why am I here?” Nearly every hand in the room went up.
That’s when a light bulb went off in my head.
Our Internal Identity vs our External image
Somewhere along the way many of us have lost sight of who we are.
On the outside, we may appear to be confident and assured with a clear sense of self. But on the inside, we are filled with doubts and suffering from imposter syndrome.
You know the experience. You walk into a meeting or some gathering where you assume everyone else there is more competent and qualified than you. Everyone else deserves to be there. However, you do not. You anticipate the horrible moment when everyone discovers you don’t belong. That you are not good enough.
A few years ago, I developed a fabulous way to combat the imposter syndrome. I think back to a book I used to read my children, titled, Everybody Poops.
The book is designed to teach children how everyone is the same. I think it’s also a fun way to help toilet train toddlers. But for me, the book has become my mantra when I walk into a room. I use it to remind myself that no matter how beautiful, successful, talented or wealthy everyone else is or might be, at some point, they all sit on a toilet with a naked bum and poop. Oh, and their poop probably stinks, too. (I added that part; the book doesn’t talk about smells!)
This beautiful mantra helps me go from insecure to confident and often results in me entering these situations with a little grin on my face. This makes others usually assume I am feeling confident in who I am. Ironically, as we now know, they are probably suffering from imposter syndrome themselves.
Rediscovering Why You are Here
So, I am now going to reveal to you that age-old question of WHY YOU ARE HERE.
Are you ready?
You are here to be . . . YOU.
Yep, that’s it. You are on this planet to be the wonderful you only you can be.
But there is a caveat. It’s not just any you.
You are here to be the absolute best version of yourself — you in all your glory. Not hiding your talents, or questioning who you are, or trying to be something you are not because you think that’s what others want.
You are here to be the YOU that you were born to be.
Letting Your True Light Shine
This is what I call: Letting Your True Light Shine!
The reason we keep asking this question is we have somehow lost or dimmed our light. We have forgotten who that perfect, raw, unique self we were when we were little. When the only thing we knew to be was who we were or who we are.
There’s a verse in the bible that talks about “man” being created in God’s perfect image. It’s true. You are more than good enough. You are perfect – just the way you are.
I think singer Pink says it best in her song, F**king Perfect. Put this on your mirror and tell yourself every morning, “I am perfect!”
Pretty, pretty please, don’t you ever ever feel
Like you’re less than f***in’ perfect
Pretty pretty please, if you ever, ever feel like you’re nothing
You’re f***in’ perfect to me!
You are perfect just the way you are! Go out there and let your true light shine, baby!
Watch Pink’s Video
