In a recent blog post, I wrote about our family’s experience with mental illness and addiction. I received such an overwhelming amount of love, questions, and empathy from that post that I realized there are many of us coping with a family member’s mental illness or addiction.

Importantly, this taught me that none of us is alone on this journey. Secondly, I realized we need to talk about this more and share with each other what we are learning and how we are coping.

Let me preface by stating that I am not an expert. However, I continue to learn every day how to take care of myself and my family amid these diseases.

At times, I fall into depression myself, wondering how long we can manage or lamenting how unfair it is that our child has to deal with this. However, I work hard to not focus on the injustice of the situation, and, instead, keep my mind and thoughts positive and looking forward.

Below, I share seven strategies that help me, and I hope they help you or someone you know.

7 Tips for Coping with a Loved One’s Mental Illness or Addiction

1. Ask for help

Don’t go on this path alone. There are amazing people and resources out there. My husband and I did our best being parents, therapists, psychologists, nutritionists, and protectors all at the same time. However, it takes mental health professionals who have both the experience and nothing at risk or at stake to help bring out the light that is buried in someone who is sick with addiction or mental illness.

Through my research, I found an amazing place, specializing in dual diagnosis, that my son loved. Use the resources available to you to get help, and ask others for recommendations. Help is not only for your family member, but for you, as well, as it’s easy for your own mental and physical health to suffer in trying to care for someone else.

2. Take care of yourself

It’s easy to focus only on the person who is ill or troubled and not keep yourself healthy. But, you can’t lose yourself in the process of trying to keep your loved one alive or healthy. This is probably my greatest challenge, and I think many parents struggle with this in the best of circumstances. However, do not put yourself last.

Your loved one is probably going to be stuck in a cycle negative thinking. Therefore, you will have to really focus on maintaining your positive attitude. I found meditation, long walks, deep breathing, and exercise in general every day helped me stay grounded. The days I found myself feeling angry, a run on the treadmill with loud music brought me back to a healthy place.

In other posts, I talk about personal mantras and how I’ve used them most of my life – through good times and bad. Perhaps, having a simple mantra you say to yourself throughout the day might help. During the worst times, my mantra was “I am a good parent,” or “I am calm and compassionate.”  I had sticky notes posted throughout the house for both of us during the months our son was living with us.

3. Talk to Others

I was so afraid to say anything to anyone. Part of the stigma around mental illness and addiction is the shame and fear surrounding the people involved. I carried this shame and exhaustion with me every day into work, but told no one.

However, at some point, I broke down and talked to a colleague. The support I received from people I barely knew or only knew in a work context saved me. Each person I talked to was so ready to share their hearts, experiences, and time. I now do the same for others. Sometimes, you can just tell when someone needs to talk.

Have one or more people who are your lifeline, meaning you can call or text them at any time. Someone is always willing to be that person for you, because they have been where you are.

4. Trust your gut (or your “spidey sense”)

We joke about this now, but I seem to always have a sense when something is wrong with any of our children, but especially with this child. Many times over the past couple of years, I just had a “feeling” something was wrong or I wasn’t hearing the whole truth. Every time, my gut is right.

Don’t feel bad for having these thoughts or instincts. Believe in them and in yourself. You may just save someone’s life.

5. You can’t do it for them (they have to want help)

This is the hardest. If the other person is not ready to be helped, there is little you can do. You can only love them. However, watching them spiral is terrifying, and I have never been good at allowing myself to feel helpless. However, that’s exactly how I felt and often feel.

If the person is under 18, you can take charge of the situation a bit more. But, even then, mental illness and addiction can make the sweetest child fight against your love and help. If the family member is over 18, they have to want to engage with therapy, a psychiatrist, or other professional.

Your focus needs to be on keeping them (and your family) safe. That might mean micromanaging their lives a bit, like taking away car keys, which they will hate. However, I felt (and often still feel) like we are fighting for someone’s life every single moment of every day. Even if your child doesn’t want help, try to get them into therapy or to some place where they are safe and getting treatment. However, be prepared for it not to work if they are not ready to be helped.

6. Know when to let go

Per the fifth tip above, there is only so much we can do if the person with the disease does not want to get better. As painful as this sounds, sometimes nothing we do matters. Because only the person who has the addiction or mental illness can make the change.

During this period in our journey, a colleague recommended the book, “Letting Go with Love.” There may be a point where you just can’t keep enabling or saving your loved one.

I will admit I am still not good at this. It is hard for me to give up or take a chance that if I stop doing something, I will lose him. Accordingly, some people think we are still over enabling our son. I just am not ready for the potential consequences if we don’t. Hopefully soon I will be able to fully let go.

7. Believe people can change

This is powerful, and a lesson I’ve learned beyond this situation.

We are often taught that a person can never change. But that is just not true. I’ve seen people decide to become better people or healthier or happier – even fundamentally changing their core values.

Believe that the situation you are in can be different. And, of course, forgive. Forgive yourself and your loved one.

Mental health is a lifelong journey

Perhaps the greatest challenge is realizing that there isn’t a magical cure to diseases such as addiction or mental illness. However, I recently heard a great quote that stuck with me and put addiction in perspective.

“Addiction is focusing on one thing and giving up everything else, while sobriety is focusing on everything and giving up just one thing.”

If we flip how we think about this, it doesn’t sound so daunting. In fact, giving up one habit in order to live a full, healthy life and overcome this disease feels achievable.

I wish all the best to you and your family. If you have tips for others going through this that have helped you, please provide them in the comments.