The current state of civility

“She’s absolutely disgusting!”

“They’re all just a bunch of brats!”

“Rude! That’s what they are – rude!”

Those are some of the milder characterizations I hear when people tell me about the state of civility when it comes to their colleagues, people in general, and even their family members.

Whether reacting to other folks’ politics, mask-wearing habits, or behavior on a virtual platform, there is one common refrain: “There’s just no civility!”

The Search for Civility

If you’re looking for civility, you’re not alone! Do a quick Google search of the word civility, and what pops up isn’t anything flashy. Rather, just the definition of civility, which is defined as formal politeness in behavior or speech. What exactly does that mean?

Understanding civility and its meaning is critically important to me and my work. I partner with organizations to help build cultures of trust, and the tool of choice I use is civility.

However, I never employ the dictionary’s words to define civility. Instead, I use my own definition of civility, which I define as the consistent communication of respect.

“I define civility as the consistent communication of respect.”

It’s the consistent part of my definition that requires discipline, empathy, and compassion. This consistency is what also leads to building trust.

To be consistent means, whether we look like one another, live in the same manner, or think like matched pairs, it’s incumbent upon each of us to treat one another with respect. I repeat: civility takes discipline, empathy, and compassion.

Civility is essential to all aspects of our professional and personal lives, so let’s look at Civility in different areas: the virtual world, the workplace, and in politics. And, perhaps most relevant today, civility in a Covid-19 mask-wearing, social distancing, isolated world.

Showing Civility on Web conferences

A colleague of mine and I scheduled to connect by Zoom one late afternoon.

About fifteen minutes prior to our clicking our respective Zoom links, she texted to ask whether she could just call me by phone. She explained that she’d been in virtual meetings all day and was absolutely exhausted.

This feeling is called Zoom fatigue. “Virtual interactions can be extremely hard on the brain,” explains Julia Skylar in her article: “ ‘Zoom fatigue’ is taxing the brain. Here’s why that happens.”

What does the effect on the brain have to do with civility? Well, everything.

Civility takes work. It’s far harder to be passionate and to communicate respectfully when your brain is on overdrive. One way to reduce stress is to reduce the unknown by spelling out your team’s expectations for civility.

5 Actions to Show Civility on Web Conferences

Here are five actions to help clearly outline your team’s expectations for civility in any web conference interaction.

1. Video: Should you turn your video on or off? While turning your video off is a recommendation for reducing Zoom fatigue, it can also scream disinterest or even complete lack of presence to participants. Make it clear whether you expect participants to show up on camera or not.

2. Eating on Camera: When I interviewed Susan about her civility experiences on-line, Susan said that when she sees her boss stuffing her face at every weekly meeting, she finds it disgusting. Disgusting! Therefore, spell out your expectations for your meetings, especially regular meetings with your team. Is it acceptable to eat on camera or does it send a message of disrespect or disgust? Should you turn the camera off if the only time you can catch a bite is during the meeting? Eating in a discreet way or a bit off camera is less offensive than seeing someone chomp and slurp. (Believe me on this one!)

3. Appearance and grooming: Even if you’re working from home, if you wouldn’t wear it to the office, don’t wear it on camera at home. And would brushing your hair really be that hard?

4. Lighting: Request that everyone double-checks their lighting, especially if you’re going to meet regularly. Straining to see the person in the shadows or pulling out your sunglasses, because the light is blinding, only adds to the demands of communicating clearly and respectfully.

5. Background: One Human Resources Director was horrified to see a client show up on Zoom with a suggestive and completely inappropriate background. Make sure your background isn’t cluttered or filled with suggestive photos or backdrops.

Understanding Civility in the Workplace

One of the fastest ways to undermine trust, and to fuel toxicity, is to ignore civility at work.

Rudeness, belittling, and gossip have huge emotional, physical, mental, and financial costs.

Turning a blind eye and excusing bad behavior costs an extra $14,000 per employee because of lost productivity and work time, according to Amy Morin, a psychotherapist, speaker, and the author of the bestselling book 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do.

Emotions and behaviors are contagious. Accordingly, when bad behavior is what’s spreading, individuals, teams, and organizations take a hit. Bad behavior can spread because the boss doesn’t want to take the time or make the effort to hold the perpetrator accountable. However, from my work with many organizations, I’ve found that all too often the standards for civility haven’t been defined or modeled by the leadership.

Ask yourself: what does civility look like, sound like, and feel like in your workplace? Civil interactions and verbal exchanges that are appropriate in a newsroom can look and sound different in a construction yard, and both will be far different from those found in a financial institution.

Civility does not demand agreement, consensus, or conformity. A culture of trust built on civility invites conflict in order to achieve maximum results. It also encourages all voices to be heard.

5 Steps to Achieve Civility in the Workplace

1. Time: One of the greatest sources of conflict that leads to comparison, crankiness, and bitterness is the failure to spell out time expectations. For example, does an 8:00 a.m. start time mean to be at work (or signed on) by 7:50 a.m? or 8:00 a.m. straight up? Or is it acceptable to join the action at 8:10 a.m.? Until you spell out EXACTLY what you mean by a time, people make assumptions or just rely on their past experience with other teams or employers.

2. Appreciation: William James, the father of American psychology said that, “The deepest principle of human nature is the craving to be appreciated.” It’s not that we just want appreciation, we crave it. Don’t take people for granted. Don’t focus on only what’s going wrong. Look for how they contribute: it may be the fact that they start everyone’s day off wonderfully with a smile. Business guru Tom Peter said that appreciation is the premier motivational tool. When you appreciate someone, you fuel their ability to unleash civility.

3. Communication Clarity: Spell out exactly what you mean. Don’t let confusion ignite bad behavior. I’ve facilitated many meetings in which team members all had different impressions on how to email. As a result, people wasted time, became impatient, and began to engage in snarky emails. What’s the expected response time? Do you respond to every question immediately? Are “please” and “thank you” expected? Can you respond with just a “yes” or “no”?

4. Patience: Technology is a challenge. Therefore, have patience with those struggling with technology. Or, better yet, help them. Take a breath before responding to their “obvious” question.

5. Listening: Listen to understand. Don’t assume. Take a breath and listen to what they’re saying.

Defining Civility in Politics

Currently, the United States is a divided nation. In fact, we are all part of a divided world. We bitterly oppose one another on ideas, policies, and politicians. While unleashing civility may feel impossible, our own future depends on its return to the political arena.

“A better idea of civility involves not the total absence of hostility or escalation, but avoiding those extremes unless truly necessary,” explains Professor Robert Talisse, a Professor of Philosophy at Vanderbilt University.

According to Talisse, “It can even be appropriate to antagonize a person, especially if they are powerful and locked into their prejudice. However, it’s always better to be restrained, since civil antagonism can quickly shift into, or at least be seen as, intimidation and harangue.

It’s clear we can’t take our cues on how to behave civilly from our political leaders. Instead, it must begin at the grass roots – with us.

4 steps to reach political civility

1. Pause: Before posting on social media or firing back with a remark, take a pause. Once the words are on-line or ringing in the other person’s brain, you cannot take them back. If there’s the aura of personal ridicule or vitriol, reconsider your next action.

2. Keep Scrolling: Why ruin a friendship or relationship when you can just keep scrolling. Yes, their words sting, and they hate your political stance. However, remember the gifts they bring to your life.

3. Get Educated: Before assuming the person is the enemy, educate yourself on their perspective. In addition, do not only use sources that validate your opinions.

4. Reduce your Media Intake: “Bombarding people with sensationalized negativity has genuine and real psychological effects,” according to Graham C.L. Davey PhD, a professor of Psychology at the University of Sussex in the UK. Priming ourselves to be more civil should include a diet of less or, perhaps no, media.

ACHIEVING CIVILITY IN A COVID19 WORLD

Masks, social distancing, and rising unemployment. Videos of maskless shoppers accompanied by angry comments on social media. Rules that change depending on the date and the geography. Freedoms tethered. All of these are ingredients for a society on the edge of an absolute breakdown in civility.

This may be the most difficult challenge in terms of civility. Trust has been undermined by both medical experts and political leaders with conflicting advice, statistics, and policies. History may look back at this period of time as fact or fiction.

Remember that civility requires discipline, empathy, and compassion. Think about the actions you can take to show respect in language and behavior.

With each post and each interaction, try to consider how you can show respect for yourself and another human being.

HOW DO WE SEIZE EACH DAY WITH CIVILITY?

Civility begins with us – not with the other person.

It’s up to each one of us to make civility a clear choice, day by day, moment by moment.

Here’s to unleashing civility!