“Do you ever feel like breaking down?

Do you ever feel out of place?

Like somehow you just don’t belong

And no one understands you”

Simple Plan

I DON’T REALLY BELIEVE IN A NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION

I am nervous.

A year ago, I would have walked in here like I owned the place. But a year ago, I weighed 15 pounds less and had tight abs and nice, sleek guns.

Then I had hernia surgery, a longer than expected recovery, and I fell out of the daily gym habit. And the longer I went not going, the harder it became to go through the door to the gym.

Every business trip, I packed my workout clothes, and they lay clean and unused when I returned home and unpacked. The last trip I didn’t even bother pretending. The workout clothes stayed at home.

But today is the day.

I am taking deep breaths as I walk out of the locker room and head to the gym. I hear treadmills spinning and weights banging.

It’s just the fucking commuity club, not Gold’s Gym, I tell myself.

I am probably the thinnest person here, but since I feel fat in my own skin, I don’t see myself as others do.

I open the door and scan the room. There’s a treadmill not being used by the big windows overlooking the back lawn and the bay. The water is angry, with white caps crashing, and the wind moving the water sideways. January at the Washington Coast.

BUT SOMETHING HAS TO CHANGE

I feel just like the ocean. Angry. Being blown sideways.

I don’t even know what I’m so angry or frustrated about.

Everyone just seems to move so slowly. Everyone seems to be taking pieces of me, until I have nothing left. I don’t seem to ever have enough time or enough of me.

By not sweating and really pushing myself in workouts, I haven’t had any release for my frustration or my anger. It just built up inside me.

Truth be told, it comes out in other ways, and usually my husband bears the brunt. As they say, we always hurt the ones we love the most.

But I can’t get angry at my colleagues or my children. So the most common target is my husband or, more often, myself. Beating myself up for not being good enough or thin enough or disciplined enough.

SO HERE I AM, STARTING OVER AGAIN

I start walking at 3.5 miles per hour, zero incline.

I have my workout music blaring into my ears. Eminem, Ludicrous, Linkin Park, Fort Minor – mixed in with Lauren Daigle, Casting Crowns, Mercy Me, and of course, Ben Platt, and my musical theatre songs.

I feel weighed down, like I’m barely moving.

But then, something breaks in me. A memory. Only it’s not in my mind, it’s my muscles, screaming: “YES! We remember this. We like this.”

Without thinking, I go to 4.0 mph. I raise the incline.

My heart starts pumping. I turn the music up louder.

At the one mile mark, I make my move. I am terrified that I will not even make it 30 seconds running, but I tell myself to just try. I push the up arrow to 6.0 mph and start running.

My inner voice starts coaching: “breathe in through your nose. Feel your breath in and out. Deep breaths. Keep your heart rate down.”

At 1.5 miles, I go back down to 4.0 and a power walk. But at 2 miles, I go back to 6 and run again. I do intervals until I hit 3.2 miles and cool down.

It feels good. To sweat. To feel my heart.

I feel like screaming, but I would probably scare the crap out of the old woman next to me.

I DID it!

My body kicked into gear.

10 days later: Beyond a New Year’s Resolution

I have now been to the gym 7 or the last 9 days. Each time, I ran a 5k. I am able to run longer and faster, and I’ve added push-ups and planks to my routine.

I am still not confident enough to use the weights or machines. But, I’ll get there. I will ask for help.

The scale is not as kind as I would like, as no movement there. However, I can feel the difference. I feel thinner, or at least less puffy.

Although today I put on my “huge” baggy work jeans, and they fit – even a little tight if I was to be honest. I was frustrated, but I told myself at least they still fit. Could be worse.

Now I need to stay with it. Not give up just as I am getting into the habit. Not just the exercise, but the no or little sugar, and more nights without a glass of wine.

I know this sounds like every other New Year’s resolution. And yes, the timing is the same as every other person on the planet promising to be a better version of themselves in 2020. But, for me, it was about finally having time to test the waters.

I just couldn’t find out if I still had it in me at 5:00 am in a hotel gym surrounded by colleagues or business execs who double as underwear models. No, I needed to do this surrounded by people who don’t threaten me.

Ironically, I don’t even notice my surroundings when I’m in the “mode.” I tend to stare straight ahead, moving to my music and my own thoughts. So it shouldn’t matter, but it does.

Remembering to make “me” a priority

Maybe you can relate to my story. Putting yourself last. Making excuses to not work out or eat healthy or sleep enough. I am trying to think about what we can all learn from my experience.

Here are a few ideas.

1. Be kind to yourself

2. It’s never too late to get started

3. Take baby steps

4. Celebrate small improvements

5. Find joy in what you’re doing

6. Ask for help

I hope you find fresh energy and light in this new year.

“I’m standing in the flames

It’s a beautiful kind of pain

Setting fire to yesterday

Find the light, find the light, find the light”

Eminem