We are all laughing. It’s somewhat nervous laughter, as I just answered the question nearly every woman asks me during these women in tech Q&A sessions.

“What can I do when I bring up an idea at a meeting and no one pays attention, and then a man brings up the same idea 5 minutes later, and everyone thinks it’s brilliant?”

I answered honestly.

“Well, what I typically say is, ‘Great idea, Bob, which is why I just fucking said that.’ ”

Laughter.

“But I don’t expect you to be me or act like me,” I add.  “What every one of you can do is help each other in that situation by validating the other woman for her idea.”

For example, you can say: “Great idea, Bob. I really like the idea you just mentioned, and I also really liked the idea when Mary explained it five minutes ago. Maybe the two of you could work on it together.”

Nods and some giggles float around the room.

I am sitting on a high stool in front of some 40 women, who are seated on folding chairs in a breakout room. Many of these women have never met each other before today, even though they work in the same office and have a monthly women’s breakfast.

The women at this large, regional telecommunications company are typical of most women in tech groups I meet. Eager to understand how to be successful or how to navigate this world of mostly men.

Over the last two hours, we’ve talked about the daily challenges women in tech experience. But we’ve also discussed how we can do more to support each other. Or how we can at least have more meetings like this, where women feel safe to ask the hard questions.

How Can We Provide Intentional Support

“Let’s do one more question,” my long-time friend Wendy, who is hosting me, tells the group.

The women are all looking at each other as if to ask,“what now?”

“How do we keep this going?” a woman asks, putting words to everyone’s thoughts.

Great question, I think. How do we keep this going, after returning to our desks to answer the hundreds of emails piling up? Or when we’re fighting office politics or racing to meet a project deadline? How do we think about intentional support as we’re packing up our briefcases and leaving the office to pick up the kids from childcare?

I put the question back out to the group.

“What could each of you do to provide intentional support of each other?” I ask.

Silence. Forty sets of eyes looking down or away.

Why is it so scary for women to declare intentional support? I wonder.

Brainstorming, I say, “What if you did something simple, like give each other a ‘high five’ when you pass each other in the hallway?”

The High Five Experiment

And so it began.

From that moment, whenever one of the women passed another woman, they gave a high five.

Other women who were not at the event were told about the initiative and joined in.

Within three days, the men started asking questions. “Why are you all high fiving?”

“Just to show intentional support for each other,” the women responded.

“Well maybe we want to support each other, too,” the men said.

“Go for it,” the women declared.

And they did. The men started giving high fives to each other, too.

Soon, everyone was high fiving.

It shifted the morale. Not just for women, but for everyone. Such a simple act. A validation. A touch. Saying I support you. I see you. And I celebrate you.

Above all, this was a needed shift in an office suffering from low morale due to constant reorganizations and corporate mandates.

Over time, the high fives slowed down and then stopped. People changed jobs and offices. More layoffs occurred.

But for a brief time, people participated in an act of intentional support.

In my earlier blog post on 8 Actions Women Can Take Now to Empower Other Women, declaring intentional support is my first and foremost action.

If something as simple as a high five can change lives and culture, what else could we do?

Validate Everyone in Meetings

The question the women asked about what to do during a meeting when your idea is ignored until a man brings it up is a recurring challenge to many women AND many men. In talking to all types of groups, I’ve learned it’s not so much a gender experience but rather a personality issue. Strong, aggressive personality types overpower and talk over quieter, less assertive personalities.

Meetings are a wonderful place to show intentional support. Take the effort and time to acknowledge everyone’s comments and ideas.

A simple validation does wonders for someone’s self confidence and willingness to share ideas in the future.

For example, when you hear someone express an idea or comment, say something like, “Let’s capture that idea in our action items.” Or, “Thank you, great idea.”

If a person is interrupted, you can be his or her champion. “I’m sorry, Bob, I think you interrupted Mary, and I’d love to hear what she was going to say.”

Polite but clear.

Compliment Another Woman

Have you ever noticed how you feel when someone tells you, “You look great!” Or “I love that color on you.” or “Great job today in the quarterly business review. You rocked it.”

You stand up a little taller. You end up smiling a bit more.

What if you made a point of complimenting other people out loud when you notice something about them? I try to make a point of this, because I have seen the positive energy it creates. I do it to complete strangers, and I’ve never had anyone not react with absolute joy.

In a hotel elevator, I noticed a woman’s outfit. Beige linen pants, navy blouse, and a scarf that blended the beige, navy and tones of green all together. She looked lovely. So I told her: “You look stunning in that outfit – it just looks so beautiful.”

She looked down, and for a moment was taken aback. But then she smiled. “Thank you.” A smile remained on her face as we walked off the elevator.

Maybe we shouldn’t need external validation, but it makes everyone happy to GIVE validation to others. And that is another simple show of intentional support.

Call Out Bad Behavior and Bullying

When my youngest boys were in elementary school, they went to afternoon childcare at their school. Over time, these some thirty children developed a kind of family behavior. They were all children of working parents (we’ll talk about working mom guilt another day). Regardless of race, socioeconomic status, or gender – they bonded.

One of the girls in childcare had Down syndrome and some emotional issues. The other children watched and protected her. One day, an older boy started bullying her on the playground during morning recess, pushing her to the ground and calling her stupid. Seeing this, the childcare children came running from all corners of the playground. They helped the girl up and stood between her and the bully. One of the kids went to get the principal.

Even though they were outside the cocoon of the childcare environment, these children stood up for their friend. That bully did not bother this little girl again.

These children could have stayed in the safety of their classmates and recess friends. How often do you witness bad behavior among colleagues or relatives and say nothing?

Standing up for someone different or victimized always brings a risk of being teased or bullied yourself. But that is exactly what we must do.

If you see someone making inappropriate or sexual comments about another person, call it out. Report it to human resources if needed.

If you are in a meeting and someone constantly interrupting or criticizing someone, call it out. Ask them to stop until they can provide comments in a calm, positive way.

Bullying happens in the workplace. Unfortunately, I’ve seen women bully other women. Don’t allow that on your watch.

Other Ways to Show Intentional Support

These are just a few ideas I have seen work.

What ideas do you have? What have you seen work in small or big ways?

I’d love to hear your ideas and suggestions.