On an airplane recently, I watched the HBO biographical documentary on Jane Fonda: Jane Fonda In Five Acts. The film takes you through Fonda’s life from childhood through the present day.

Throughout her life, Fonda struggled to figure out who she was, why she was here, and how to achieve self-validation.

Not surprisingly, she sought validation from others. Therefore, she never knew who “Jane” was outside the context of others. Her self-identity evolved as she went from being Henry Fonda’s daughter to a model, sex icon, actress, activist, and wife of a billionaire.

With each relationship and husband, she changed who she was. Even down to the clothes she wore, how she lived, and what she believed in. She states the following in her documentary: 

“A lot of other people were defining me, all of them men. I never felt real. I thought, I just have to get out from under my father’s shadow. I was always in search of somebody who was real in there.”  – Jane Fonda

It wasn’t until late in her life, when she left then-husband Ted Turner that she realized she did not need a man to be okay. Finally, she looked internally and learned self-validation. And with that, Jane Fonda found herself.

“It was probably the most profound turning point of my whole life. I left this man and one part of me was so sad. The other part of me said, ‘I’m gonna be okay. I don’t need a man to make me okay.’ That was it. And I’ve never looked back.”  – Jane Fonda

Women often seek external validation through men

Her need for external validation through the eyes and words of men instead of herself resonated with me. I struggled with this most of my life. Like Fonda, I had to step away from a relationship and men for a while to realize it. For me, it started with craving validation from my father, who was an alcoholic. That’s a whole story in itself.

My own addiction to external validation continued and only worsened as I went through puberty and into my teenage years. In fact, I have distinct memories of thinking: if I could just get “that boy” or “that man” to like me, then I felt pretty or smart or good enough.

I went into every relationship with my foundation only being as strong as the external validation I received from the other person. Unfortunately, if you stop receiving the level of validation you need from that person, you look for it from someone else. Self-validation is rarely a consideration in this negative cycle.

Not surprisingly, this led to many relationships. I did not know how to develop strong bonds. Not helping the matter, I moved thirteen times in eighteen years. So, it was easy to let relationships and friendships go. I knew I was eventually moving to another town and another school and starting all over again anyway.

Many women use sex as the ultimate validation. If a man (or woman) finds you attractive enough to have sex with, then you must be more attractive and sexier than you think. The problem is sex then becomes a weapon you use on yourself and others. And a relationship founded on pure sexual attraction or manipulation is never the basis of solid grounding or, frankly, a loving relationship.

The art and science of differentiation

While I have read many books about reclaiming your sense of self and self-esteem, it was a book I read when my husband and I attended marriage counseling that stuck with me. Dr. David Schnarch, a psychiatrist, marriage therapist, and author of several books, teaches the idea of differentiation.

“Differentiation is a scientific process that occurs in all species. For humans, it is about becoming more of a unique individual and a solid person through relationships with others,”   – Dr. Schnarch writes in his book Intimacy and Desire.

Notice, he says becoming a solid person “through” relationships with others. In fact, his whole philosophy is you can’t even begin to have a healthy relationship or marriage if you are not solid in who you are, yourself. To do so, you need to achieve differentiation – which is self-validation and self-love.

Perhaps it sounds obvious. However, for many of us, this is extremely hard work and a life’s journey. Just like we see with Jane Fonda.

This book, as well as other hard work my husband and I did, helped me and us immensely. This included going to a marriage discovery workshop with Dr. Schnarch and his wife.

Becoming Grounded in Who We Are

“One of the most important things in life is becoming a solid individual.”   – Dr. Schnarch

To be differentiated is to be grounded in yourself. Therefore, you only need validation from within YOU. Not from outside or from other people.

Here’s how I internalize this. Think about how it feels to be securely grounded to the earth. Like a sturdy tree whose branches can move in the breeze, but the wind cannot knock the tree over.

Imagine yourself like that tree.

Your feet are solidly planted in who you are and in your own validation. Other people’s opinions of you or input they give you might sway you slightly, but they will not invalidate you or change who you are. Above all, they will not ever knock you over.

We are all searching for the answer

Perhaps, not surprisingly, much of this film talked directly about the themes discussed here on MargaretDawson.com and in my presentations.

It doesn’t matter if you are rich or poor, famous or unknown. We all struggle with feelings of not being good enough. As a result, we are all searching to find our own true light.

I know Fonda has collected many enemies over her life, but I am a fan.

It takes amazing courage to stand up for what you believe in.

It takes even more courage to keep working on self-discovery and to become differentiated, no matter how old you are or the history behind you.