I don’t like to use the word Sexism

As a woman executive in tech, I try not to get sucked into stories of the boy’s club, misogynistic or sexist remarks, or how women have to work twice as hard to be taken seriously. I know sexism and all of these issues exist and are true, but most days, I just focus on my job and try to make a positive impact.

If I was to focus on the challenges women in this and other industries face every day, I would spend too much energy on being angry. Instead, I channel that energy to empowering and supporting other women (and men), and validating other leaders who do the same.

But recently, I experienced an encounter that was so blatantly sexist and demoralizing that I cannot stop thinking about it. It had been a long time since I was spoken to as if I was not qualified, as if I was not “worthy”. I am 100% positive I was spoken to differently because I am a woman.

Based on my life’s experiences, there is no way this male executive would have treated another male executive the same way. He questioned my capabilities and my experience, even though my team informed him of my title and role; and my experience.

I thought I’d share my experience to illustrate the sometimes daily shit women in tech have to deal with that is just par for the course. And, we are supposed to just let it all roll off our backs and get over it.

I have left out company and individual names for privacy, and I am sharing the experience as best as I can remember.

It’s great to be King

I get on the conference call.

The goal is to hear from the SVP of sales for this organization, a partner company of ours. They are planning their big annual conference, and my team recommended I do a keynote at the event. The partner company originally wanted our CEO, but when he was not available, my name was recommended.

My colleague, let’s call her Mary, joins the call, along with another business development manager, who I will call Joe. 

We chit chat about the weather as we wait for the other executive to join the call.

Soon, the partner exec, who I will call Mark, comes on as we are still talking about the cold weather in Boston.

“Thank you so much for taking time to talk to us today, Mark. We have on the call Margaret Dawson, an executive with our partner, who we are recommending do the keynote at our event in a couple of months,” Joe says.

“Nice to meet you,” says Mark.

“Mutual,” I say. “Looking forward to working with you on this.”

“So, do we have the presentation to go through?” Mark asks. “I thought that was the plan, was it not, Joe?” he inquires, in a tone I am trying to not interpret as annoyed or impatient, since we’ve barely started the meeting.

Joe then explains that we needed to switch speakers, so we were going to use this time for him to get to know me, the new speaker.

“Actually,” I chime in, “it would be great to hear from you, Mark, about your expectations, and then I’m happy to go through a couple of ideas we’ve had and abstracts I’ve sent the team.” I am hoping from my initial gut read that this is a man who likes to hear himself speak.

This man probably thinks he’s being helpful, not sexist

Turns out, I am right. The mansplaining begins.

Mark goes through a long explanation of their event, his goals, and the expectations of this “prime time” keynote. A couple of times, I try to interject a comment or question, but I am not successful. 

“It would be great if you could specifically reference our ‘Cloud Center of Excellence,’ he emphasizes. “Write that down,” he says, slowly articulating each word as he repeats it: “Cloud Center of Excellence. That’s a very specific thing we have.” 

Did he just say “write that down”? I ask myself. WTF?

“I think the content we are thinking about fits very well. I’d open by talking about what I’m seeing from our customers around the world and some common themes and challenges,” I start to explain.

“Before you go through that, could you tell me a little bit about yourself, Margaret?” Mark asks. “What is your background? Have you done anything like this before?”

What is my background? Has there been zero briefing? They asked me to do this presentation. My mind is spinning with potential answers to this. None of which I say. 

“Sure,” I say, holding back my annoyance. “I have been in the IT industry for nearly 30 years, working across both the corporate and technology sides of the business, and have been VP in our products and technology organization for the last four years. Part of my job now and for years prior involved working with customers and partners around the world, and I’ve spoken at leading industry shows around the globe about cloud computing, big data, digital transformation, hybrid cloud architecture, etc.”

“I see,” says Mark. “Could you tell me a bit more about how you think you would approach this keynote, as this is very important to us, and quite a star spot on our main stage.”

Please let me prove my worth, your highness

My colleague cuts in, saving me.

“Margaret is one of our senior executives and most sought-after speakers,” she states.

“I understand,” says Mark. “This is just a very important event, and I want to make sure Margaret understands what is needed. Margaret, do you have a couple presentations you could show me, or perhaps a video of you speaking at an event?”

“Yes, of course,” I reply. “But I have to say, I didn’t realize this was going to be a job interview. If I’m not the right fit or style, then we should find someone more appropriate. No hard feelings.” I am about to lose my shit.

This time Joe steps in.

“Mark, we have a couple of presentations Margaret sent to us that I can forward you,” Joe says.

“I see. That would have been helpful to see before this meeting,” Mark says.

“How about this,” I suggest: “Why don’t you review the abstracts and presentations, and watch a couple of videos, and then you can let me know?”

“Could you have a draft presentation done by next week for us to review?” Mark asks, as if nothing I’ve just said went into his head.

“No,” I retort. “I can’t start working on this and creating a tailored presentation, which of course I would do, for a couple of weeks.”

“Margaret is very busy with our next fiscal year planning, as we are in our Q4 right now,” Mary says, trying to save the conversation again.

“I see,” says Mark.

No, I don’t think you do “see,” Mark, I think.

I’m done trying to prove myself

“Well, it was great to meet you, Mark, and I look forward to helping make this an incredibly successful event,” I say as graciously as possible. “I need to drop for another meeting.”

It was the top of the hour, and I did have another meeting. However, I needed to drop before I started screaming.

A few hours later, we receive an email from Mark that says, “Margaret, I watched a couple videos, and you are a very good speaker. I look forward to your keynote.”

I laugh out loud when I read this, calling Mary.

“Thank goodness Mark thinks I’m good enough,” I say snidely.

“I need a drink,” Mary replies. “I cannot get over this display of blatant sexism.”

“Me, too,” I say. “Maybe two. Oh my god.”

Our femininity and competency are our greatest power

I am not one to toot my own horn, but there are a few areas I feel confident in my abilities. One of them is public speaking, including presentations to a technical audience. This is my passion and my joy, and it shows.

Part of me wants to go back to this organization and tell them “no” – to not give them the opportunity to have me engage with their audience. However, I know I will not. I am above it. This isn’t the first time I’ve overcome people assuming I am not capable of handling a keynote on a technical topic or to a thousand people.

By doing this keynote, and doing well, I will hopefully show one more time that it doesn’t matter that I’m a woman. I will take a stand for all women and other minority populations in technology.

The audience will not care I am a woman, I tell myself. They will care that I am competent, engaging, funny and helpful. They will walk away with a new idea or a fresh perspective. Or perhaps just a good feeling because they were not bored out of their minds.

But because of my experience with this sexist man and this company, I will make a point that I am a woman in technology. I will walk on stage in a shorter than usual skirt and perhaps higher than usual heels. I will stand tall in my nearly six-foot height.

And I will shine.