Core Values are Key to Staying True to You
I have done horrible things in my life that I regret. For example, I lied, and I cheated. Admittedly, I hurt other people and sinned. As frequently, I hurt myself.
If I could, I would go back in time and redo it all. However, as we know, that isn’t possible.
Therefore, I choose to forgive and ask for forgiveness from others.
As a Christian, I ask God for forgiveness. While sometimes hard, I forgive other people who hurt me or influenced me negatively. Sometimes that means forgiving the same person multiple times. Perhaps most importantly, I forgive myself.
I am able to forgive, because I now know these actions, thoughts and words do not define me. It’s not who I am.
Years ago, I realized that many, if not most, of these things happened because I had no idea who I was at my core. I was not grounded in my core values. In fact, I don’t think I honestly ever thought about core values.
I did not have a strong internal compass to filter my thoughts and actions through.
Consequently, I acted poorly.
Good people often do bad things if they don’t have a compass
Overall, I was a good person. My parents taught me right from wrong. I went to church, and I believed in God. At least intellectually, I understood the 10 commandments. As a child, I followed the rules and most people would have called me a “good girl.” In fact, I still today have trouble jay walking or crossing the street when the walk sign isn’t illuminating.
Most of the time, I stayed inside the lines of societal rules, literally and figuratively.
However, I constantly saw (and still see today) good people do bad things. Or bad things happen to good people. Some of the biggest hypocrites I knew were also supposedly “good Christians.”
I experienced a lot of “do what I say, not what I do.” Therefore, those boundaries of right and wrong were often blurred, and not so black and white. And, I was one of those good people who sometimes did bad, questionable, or hurtful things.
Core Values Hurt by A world of NO and Do Not
Ever notice that most religions and rules tell you what NOT to do. No parking, no burning, no trespassing, do NOT commit adultery, don’t walk on the grass, don’t swear, and I could go on and on.
Research has shown that children hear the word “no” some 400 times a day. 400!!! As you can imagine, that’s probably up to 400 times more than they hear the word “yes.”
Experts say this constant hammering of “NOs” causes more than just disappointment, sadness or anger. It freezes your brain. Hearing no all the time causes you to shut down emotionally.
Whereas, a strong yes input drives curiosity, stability, positivity, and, most importantly, authenticity.
Dr. Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson write about this yes and no brain phenomenon in their book, titled, “YES Brain: How to Cultivate Courage, Curiosity, and Resilience in Your Child.”
“There’s a positive approach to life that comes when you look at the neural circuitry of the yes brain, and the way you learn a challenge is an opportunity to learn more, not to collapse in fear,” Dr. Siegel said in an interview with Mindful magazine.
How do we become more positive and put our brains in a state of “YES?”
How do we focus instead on YES and DO?
What if we focused more on the DO’s than the Don’ts.
I think it all starts with being clear on who we are and our core values.
Core values are the fundamental beliefs critical to who you are. Many people define core values as guiding principles that help a person determine right from wrong.
I think they are ideals that you hold to be true. When you adhere to them, you are the best person you can be.
Core values keep you on the right path and help you fulfill your goals.
Your core values do not need to be the same as another person’s, and yours may evolve over time.
Without clearly knowing or articulating your core values, it’s easy to make decisions that are NOT in the best interest of yourself and others. It’s easy to hurt yourself and others as well, because you are acting out of selfishness and unawareness.
You are not grounded. In fact, you have lost your way.
Typical core values include honesty, loyalty, or sincerity. You could think of the ten commandments as a list: do not cheat on your partner, do not kill someone else. Basic core value stuff.
However, as I say above, I prefer to think of core values as those YESes; those things that we DO when we are letting our true light shine. Love others. Value all lives. Be loyal to my partner.
My Core Values
Some of my core values are:
- Authenticity
- Family
- Empathy
- Constant Growth
- Curiosity
- Humility
- Nurture
- Impact
With my core values as my compass, I always tell the truth. I put my family first. In addition, if I’m grounded, I choose to have the light-shining Margaret show up for others. Core values enable me to remain true to the best version of me.
Take a moment to think about and write down yours. Don’t over think it or edit yourself; write down whatever comes to mind.
Then, do more self reflection on this. If you pray, then pray about it to help you define them.
Ask yourself or God these questions: What is fundamentally important to me or core to who I am?
If someone made me do something uncomfortable or I acted out of character, what core value would I be breaking?
You may only have two or three core values. That is perfect! There is no right or wrong number, just words or statements that feel core to who you are in your heart.
Come back to this list from time to time and see if you are staying true to your core values. Alternatively, write down new ones you’ve identified as being vital to being YOU.
Declaring Your Core Values
Write down your core values and a statement of why this is so important to you.
Core Value |
Why? |
As you make decisions and go through each day interacting with others, try to think about whether you are behaving and living according to your core values.
If you find you often are not, then it is probably time to make some changes, either in your core values, or, more likely, in yourself.
Don’t worry if what you wrote down is not perfect. You will learn along the way.
If you are like most people, as soon as you write the words, you start to immediately question whether they are right. Some or all may be in direct conflict with the “you” currently showing up or the life you are currently leading. That is OK!
Don’t judge what you’ve written down.
Also, let the words live with you a while. Just capturing those core values might give you a sense of relief or even an “ah ha” moment. It did for me the first time, and it does every time I take a moment to reevaluate or redefine my core values.
Use Your Core Values to Forgive and Improve
We all have regrets. The important thing is how you overcome them and move on to live your life as a better person. A life more true to your inner light.
Core values don’t just show up. They take work. Hard, daily, focused work. Just like keeping a healthy diet and exercising.
But, it’s worth it.
Core values are your “YES” to life!
Above all, it’s your way of celebrating who you are and what makes you special.
“Your beliefs become your thoughts;
Thoughts become your words;
Words become your actions;
Actions become your habits;
Habits become your values;
Values become your destiny.”
– Mahatma Gandhi