What my first boss taught me about feminine power
It sounds like an oxymoron: feminine power. However, you can both embrace your femininity, and what that uniquely means to you, AND be powerful. My first boss after college, Carole O’Neal Tellier, gave me the gift of this revelation. It influenced who I became when I worked with her, and who I am today.
I will never forget the first words Carole said to me when I walked into her office my first day of work at A.R. Brasch Advertising in Southfield, Michigan. A fresh college graduate, happy to have even found a job. Even better in Detroit and the automotive industry, in which I grew up.
Picture this: Navy blue suit, complete with padded shoulders and a pleated skirt, a white oxford shirt, and a blue and red bow tie scarf. My hair was styled in the appropriate Farrah Fawcett wings, lacquered down with hair spray. My face was complete with foundation, lip stick, mascara, and the iconic blue eyeshadow.
“What the fuck are you wearing, and what is wrong with your hair?” Carole hissed at me from behind her desk.
Then she stood up. She was shorter than me, about 5’6”. But she seemed like an Amazon from another planet. She wore a bright goldenrod suit, with a fitted jacket. Her skirt hem stopped at least an inch above her knee (scandalous!). She wore matching high heeled pumps. Her hair was perfectly coiffed but very short, above her ears, with waves framing her thin face.
She was clearly not pleased that this young, naive 22-year old had been assigned to her. She did nothing to hide her disgust.
First you have to prove yourself
What she saw was the daughter of Bob Dawson, a close friend of the company’s president and founder. She assumed this was a personal favor between her boss and my father.
In some ways, she was right. When I graduated from college, I found a job the old fashioned way. I sent my resume out to dozens of companies and leveraged my father’s business network. I was happy to receive a job offer and was excited to be working in the automotive industry.
I thought my resume and experience had landed me the job. And of course, my dad’s relationship with the Brasch brothers. However, Carole assumed I was just like the other daughters and sons of relatives and friends who had been hired as favors. Who, more often than not, turned out to be spoiled rich brats with minimal required skills and even less work ethic.
To prove myself, or in her mind scare me away, she handed me my first assignment. She threw this heavy binder onto my desk, which landed with a huge thump.
My task: read, edit, and rewrite this massive manual for a sales program for one of our major automotive clients.
She assumed and, at the time, hoped I would fail.
Little did she know I was a writer. I interned with a newspaper, where I learned all the proper copy editing symbols and processes. Nor did she know that in spite of not having a clue how to dress or act like a business woman, I was a hard worker. And I was determined to show her I was worthy.
Show courage in the process
A couple of days later, I showed her my progress with the first section of the manual. Behind the scenes, I befriended and begged for help from the team of women typesetters (yes before computers) in the creative department. When they realized I knew how to copy edit and write, they were thrilled. They helped me get work through their processes faster than usual.
Carole read through the section I had updated at that point, and she smirked. It was almost a smile.
“This isn’t bad. Let’s see what it looks like the end of the week,” she said.
It wasn’t a compliment. But it wasn’t a criticism either.
I don’t remember exactly when the relationship turned the corner. But it did.
One day, not long after I finished that first project successfully, Carole asked if I wanted to join her for lunch. From that moment, Carole took me under her wing and taught me everything she could.
I think most of the time she didn’t even know she was mentoring me, but she was. Oh, was she ever. Not just about work, but about life, and about being a woman.
The key to feminine power is competency
The lesson I remember most was her attempt to teach me the power of being feminine and competent.
In the world according to Carole, a woman did not have to hide her legs, her body, or her femininity in order to be powerful or successful. In fact, she said, it was the combination of your raw feminine power, your true light, and your competency that made you powerful.
This simple equation changed my life. Femininity + Competency = Power !!
I didn’t have to be like a man. I could be successful and a woman, in whatever way that meant to me.
I realized wearing shorter skirts that showed my long legs wasn’t giving in to the system, it was showing my courage amid the system. If men only wanted to look at my legs, then so what? I’d then overwhelm them with my competence, so they were more intrigued with my capabilities.
If a man patted me on the butt and called me honey, I didn’t have to just take it. I could pat them right back and call them sweetie. Or, I’d hold their hand in the sky and yell out, “does anyone know why this hand was just on my butt?”
Carole gave me power and permission to be a successful woman, and, more importantly, to be me.
A mentor helps guide the way
Over the nearly three years I worked with her, we spent many afternoon coffee breaks at the donut shop together. We took many side trips to the shopping mall on our way from or to a client meeting. I didn’t have the money to buy clothes like she did, but everything she bought or did was added to my mental database for the future.
Outside of life lessons, I learned a lot about marketing, business, selling, and customer relations.
Carole pushed me to not only come up with new ideas for our clients, but any idea I did have, I pitched to the clients. My first couple of presentations were rough, and I was terrified.
She could have done it for me, and no one would have said anything. But she didn’t. She encouraged me to get up in front of a room full of much older professionals; all men, and pitch them my new idea. An idea they would hopefully find valuable and pay my agency to execute.
A couple of those ideas bombed. But overtime, I successfully pitched and won several others. I started and managed a telemarketing hotline for one major automotive company. I managed a mystery shopping program. I ran a test drive program for another client, which included using a computer database and what would now be considered a ridiculously simple data analysis program and report.
When I made mistakes, she let me know, but never without coaching of what I could do differently next time.
Feminine Power comes through self discovery
Carole made it to a senior position by literally working her ass off. She did not have the right degree or credentials. She started as a secretary in the typing pool.
Whatever book smarts she lacked, she overcame with her street smarts, her wit, and her ability to learn quickly. Clients loved her. Men loved her.
By the time I met Carole at the age of 43, she had already been through many journeys of self discovery. Three failed marriages. Affairs. Smoking. Lost children. Loss of faith.
Through those challenges and journeys, she found her true voice. And during the time I worked with her, she rediscovered God as a loving, forgiving God. She fell truly in love and married her fourth and final husband, Bernie. And she had a second chance with her children and grandchildren.
I wish I could say that knowing all the twists, turns, and regrets Carole experienced during her journey saved me from making similar decisions or mistakes. But we all have to learn our own life lessons, unfortunately. Every parent knows this to be true. It’s painful to watch a child, friend, or parent live through a circumstance you previously navigated without being able to save them from the pain.
Share your power freely with others
How do I embrace the feminine power lessons Carole taught me?
Here are just some of the things I do from learning how to embody feminine power in my own way:
- I almost always wear a short skirt and heels when I present on stage: It gives me secret power!
- I don’t apologize for being who I am: F-bombs and all
- I feel 100% confident in my ability to be a good mother, wife, friend AND executive: Nurturing is powerful, too!
- I pass on Carole’s wisdom to as many people as I can.
Perhaps the most incredible gift Carole gave me, in addition to work experience, new skills, and refreshing feminist ideals, was her unconditional love. Throughout 30 years, Carole remained my biggest fan, always telling me how amazing I was or commenting on my achievements.
And love, love, love
Me and Carole in Bloomfield Hills, Michigan, summer of 2016.
A couple of years ago, I drove across the country with one of my sons. We stopped in Detroit to visit Carole. After about five minutes, my son laughed and said, “Now I see why you two get along so well. You are so much alike. And now I also know where my mom learned to swear.”
I am so thankful for that day with her. I am so thankful for all the times we chatted via Facebook or text.
Carole passed away earlier this year. Her memorial service was held when I was traveling overseas for business. I hate that I wasn’t there for her children. I hate that I didn’t make a point to see her again or say goodbye.
But I love that Carole left this world with her family all around her. I love knowing she is in Heaven with all her cats and dogs she spoiled rotten, and with Bernie and her many friends.
I love that I had the opportunity to call her my boss, my mentor, and my friend. Rest in peace, my beautiful, powerful, feminine friend.
In her memory, let’s all embrace our feminine power!