Researchers at New Zealand’s Wellington University claim that using the F-word can improve relationships. That’s right. People who swear are all about making everyone feel good. In fact, the study concludes that the word “fuck” is associated with expressions of solidarity. It is used to bond members of the team, ease tensions, and equalise members with different levels of power and responsibility.

This is true for me. I definitely use the F-word in a loving way.

Good girls and moms use the F-word

As if on cue, my fifth and final child is calling me.

“Hello love,” I say into my headset, as I drive through the suburbs outside of Seattle.

“Mom, remember not to swear at the bridal shower today.  And don’t be too aggressive. These are nice Catholic girls and their moms,” this child of mine says with absolute sincerity.

“Oh my god”, I sigh. “Why do you all think I’m fucking stupid.”

“Uh, maybe because you just said the f-word at the moment we’re talking about you NOT swearing,” he sarcastically retorts.

Fair enough, I think. But really, do these children think I don’t know when to behave myself and when it’s okay to let the whole Margi come to the party?

“Don’t worry,” I assure him. “I will be the perfect good girl at this party. I promise to make everyone proud.”

As I hang up, I sigh with frustration that every single one of my children called to remind me not to swear at the shower for our son’s Irish Catholic fiancee. For goodness sake, I am a layman at church. I read bible verses and help with communion. I’m a great mom, and I have a reputation for making babies laugh with my silly faces and tongue clicking sounds (it also works on horses, btw). With over 20 years in the tech industry, I am a successful businesswoman who meets with CIOs all over the world!

There are many times I don’t swear at all. Not just because I don’t think I should, but because it doesn’t occur to me in the moment, or it’s not befitting of the situation

The F-word sometimes gets me in trouble

So why are you questioning yourself now? my alter ego asks.

Because, to be honest, there are moments when I spew the F-bomb at inappropriate times. For example, during an interview many years ago for a senior marketing positioning, I told a story and included the F-word. It came back to the recruiter, who then lectured me on being a professional in interviews. That one still stings, because I felt stupid to make such a rookie mistake. I got too comfortable and stopped thinking.

Then there was an internal presentation at my company where I used the F-word, and I received three HR complaints from women in the audience. That pissed me off, to be honest. But I swallowed my pride and realized I need to respect other people’s values and perspectives.

Duh, that’s why it’s called fucking diversity, I say to myself. Oh shit, I did it again.

Maybe I do have a problem. A wave of humble self-awareness washes over me, as apparently, I do need to be reminded. Suddenly, I feel like I’m 5 years old and getting reprimanded for throwing sand in Billy’s face for the hundredth time.

I should have driven the other car, I chide myself. The top is down on my convertible mustang, as it’s one of those rare perfect Seattle days. 75 degrees and bright sunshine in an azure sky. However, with a profanity-filled Eminem song blaring from the speakers, I stand out. I lower the volume as I turn into the manicured neighborhood of my future daughter-in-law’s parents.

I park along the curb of the yellow Craftsman bungalow. Tugging on the hem of my skirt, I climb out of the car. I should have worn that other, more conservative dress.

My confidence is wavering.

I know how to behave myself

I ring the doorbell, now feeling shy, insecure, and out of place. To steady myself, I take a few deep breaths.

The door opens, and a perfectly-coiffed woman in a flowered dress with pearls is standing there. Could you be any more stereotypical, I thought. And then I tell myself to shut up and be nice.

“Hi, I’m Margaret, Rachel’s future mother-in-law,” I say in my mom voice.

She welcomes me in. The ice breaker game is already underway. Pearl woman slaps something on my back, and says, “you have to guess which famous woman you are.”

Oh, goodie, I love games, the sarcastic voice in my head replies. Yeah, I hate games.

“Oh, how fun,” I say out loud to pearl woman.

In the end, I receive rave reviews. I was “delightful and funny.” As I get up to leave the party, I see the relief and gratitude on my soon to be daughter-in-law’s face.

“Thank you,” she says. “You were perfect, and so funny!”

“I was perfect, and I made people laugh,” I report back to all the children. Adding, for the record, that I did not swear once. I achieved this perfect behavior in spite of drinking only ice tea and playing silly games.

Honestly, the ice tea limitation was worse than the games. If I had known this was going to be a non-drinking party, I would have stopped on the way and had a glass of wine to calm my nerves. What Irish family doesn’t drink, for God’s sake?

Swearing is part of who I am

Why do I swear? I’ve asked myself this question many times, as have many other people. To be honest, I don’t know. It’s become a part of who I am, just like I have green eyes and I snort when I laugh.

I could blame it on my dad, who swore a lot. Unlike my mother, whose curse words were primarily “fiddlesticks” and “for crying out loud.” Maybe it’s my first boss Carole’s fault, as she loved the F-word and used it often. Or perhaps my swearing came from being involved in sports.

Working in the automotive and technology industries my entire career hasn’t helped cure my potty mouth. These Alpha Male environments are made for cursing. In fact, when I worked at Microsoft, I wouldn’t have survived my stint in Israel where my engineering team worked if I didn’t curse. Incorporating the F-bomb in a passionate debate is not just helpful, but a requirement to survive in that culture.

It’s ironic, because there are some words that make me blush, and I can’t say at all. Like the C-word (I can’t even type it), which in Australia is a word used as often as “mate”. And I don’t like using God’s name in vain. Thank you Sunday School.

I also say many old fashioned phrases, like “goodness gracious” and “for the love of Pete,” of which I also don’t know the origin. My husband laughs every time I somehow combine goodness gracious with fuck.

Regardless, I remain fond of the F-word. Its ability to be used in so many ways. An exclamation, adjective, verb, adverb, noun, and more. It conveys power and emotion, or pure humor.

Research suggests swearing is brilliant

I don’t believe using the F-word makes you low class or stupid, which some people suggest. My favorite t-shirt says it best: I am an educated, classy, well-educated woman who says fuck a lot. Cursing and class are not mutually exclusive.

Science backs me up on this. Multiple pieces of research suggest that people who swear are more persuasive, honest, and collaborative, as well as healthier, because they aren’t suppressing emotions.

One study concludes that swearing in the workplace is not always negative, and can improve your persuasiveness and emotional connection.

“Swearing can also be used as a tool of persuasion,” agrees Dr. Richard Stevens, author of the book, “Black Sheep: The Hidden Benefits of Being Bad.

Using the F-bomb might help people trust you, as they see you as being more “real”. In 2015, researchers found that people who use taboo words, like fuck, are often perceived as being more open and honest.

This is backed by another study that suggests people who swear a lot also lie less often and have higher levels of integrity, according to an article in the Huffington Post.

I am not trying to vindicate my trucker’s mouth with all this great research. Well, maybe I am. The main point is a curse now and then does not indicate that someone has crappy core values or is a bad person.

We need to not judge someone’s potty mouth too quickly.

Cursing is not always culturally appropriate

That being said, there are situations where cursing in general and the F-word specifically are just not okay. Like the bridal shower I talked about above. Or in church. Job interviews are a good time to keep your mouth clean. Most presentations should remain swear-word free (I have been known to drop an F-bomb during tech presentations, but only if it’s audience appropriate).

There are also many cultural nuances to take into consideration.

For example, an Australian might call someone a “silly c***” in Sydney, but in Boston, that could lead to a face punch. In Dublin, I can use all the f-bombs I want. If anything, I find it hard to keep up with my Irish colleagues in the number of fucks they deliver. But if I was meeting someone’s Irish mother, you would not hear a single curse cross these lips.

Also, when traveling in some parts of the world, like Japan, such strong language is culturally inappropriate.

I know it’s a given, but you should know that I believe there’s a huge difference between cursing for emphasis and swearing at someone. Angry, hateful F-bombs are never okay. 

Give the F-word a fucking break

I think fuck has received a bad rap for too long. I am not suggesting we all go willy nilly and use it constantly. Even I hate gratuitous swearing. And any word, taboo or not, is only powerful when used in a limited fashion.

But there is good news for those of you who have a fucking habit like I do. You are okay! Drop that occasional F-bomb and stop feeling guilty. Or use whatever swear word is your favorite.

As the BBC writes, there are many benefits of swearing. And everyone knows that the BBC never lies.