Giving Thanks for Our Family’s Pre-holiday Thanksgiving Tradition

“Hi mama,” my son yells up through the kitchen window.

I look out the window, smile, drop my dish towel, and hurry to the front door.

His girlfriend is first up the front stairs, and I grab her grocery bags and hug her all at the same time. I like this girl. She fits into our crazy tribe.

I take the groceries into the kitchen while she heads back down for more. I love these grown-up children, who can stop at the store on their way to your house, and it’s no big deal.

“What about me? No hug?” This 6-foot 4-inch man-son says to me, chortling.

“So good to see you,” I say into his strong body, as I hold onto this amazing boy for a few seconds. “I’ve missed you two.”

“We’ve missed you, too,” he says.

“Okay, it’s officially mimosa time!” I declare.

I deserve a drink. I’ve been up since 5 am prepping for our annual pre-Thanksgiving Thanksgiving dinner. The house is already glowing with smells of cinnamon, sage, rosemary, oregano, and garlic, as well as fresh-brewed coffee.

The homemade cranberry sauce is cooling in the frig, the sweet potatoes with ginger and cumin are in one crock pot, and the purple potatoes that will become a garlic mash are boiling on the stove. I will put the turkey in around noon for our four o’clock-ish dinner time, so there’s still plenty of time to get the stuffing going. And with all the arrivals, I have a lot of people to help chop up ingredients.

But for now, we will enjoy mimosas. I love opening champagne, and with the orange juice they just brought, I start pouring the bubbly mixture that signifies celebration and morning brunch.

OUR THANKSGIVING TRADITION IS AN EARLY HOLIDAY

We started this Thanksgiving tradition a few years ago, holding our celebration the weekend before the actual Thursday holiday. By doing so, more of the children and their significant others can make it to the celebration, and it allows them to spend actual Thanksgiving with other family or friends. And traveling over the weekend before is much easier with less traffic on the roads and in the air, not to mention significantly cheaper.

Three of our five children are making it this year. One of the older twin boys arrived last night. He was already there when I arrived home from work. I walked straight to him from my car, wrapping him in my arms in the driveway, taking him in.

The youngest son is due to arrive soon with his girlfriend – another one I like. She suits this son. Also, she is not intimidated by me, which is a good sign. I hate those shaky girls who wear too much make-up and can’t hold their own with me. And yes, I know that’s probably unfair, since there are grown men who are intimidated by me. But come on, these boys grew up with me, so they should be attracted to strong women, right?

OUR FAMILY IS ALSO NON-TRADITIONAL

The youngest son and girlfriend are driving from Seattle with my ex-husband and his wife, with whom I share two of my sons. We have been celebrating holidays, birthdays, and milestones for so long together, it would seem weird to not have them here this weekend.

I know what you’re thinking right now: “Wait, did she say her ex-husband and his wife?” Yes. Yes, I did.

Just like your reaction, the first time people experience our “family”, they are surprised. But as we like to say, “we got over it a long time ago, so you can, too.” And we truly have. In fact, just writing “ex-husband” sounds so strange, like I’m talking about someone else. He’s the father of two of my children, and Lynn is their other mom. It’s just our family.

I can’t imagine life or Thanksgiving without them, and I truly enjoy spending time with them. I miss our college weekends, theatre productions, and basketball games where we would hang out and sometimes go out for dinner afterward.

COOKING AND NURTURING IS MY HAPPY PLACE

Dinner preparation continues but now with a mimosa in my hand, and a fresh pot of coffee brewing. I made gluten free carrot orange muffins, and a rich, fluffy sour cream cardamom coffee cake for our brunch time.

I used to make this coffee cake all the time before I was diagnosed with gluten intolerance. However, this was the first time I made it gluten free, and in addition to gluten free flours, I used plain Greek yogurt instead of sour cream. It turned out just as yummy as before.

As with any good holiday at our house, the food and drink never really stop – we just move from one quarter to the next, just like the football games blaring from the TV room downstairs.

Soon, the laughter, smells, and new cars in the driveway entice my husband in from the yard, where he has been chainsawing trees for the fire pit we plan to do tonight.

Just as my happy place is in the kitchen, wearing an apron and adding spices to my various dishes like an artist chooses colors and textures – his happy place is outside with his chainsaw, wearing his Carhartts, orange suspenders, and Chippewas.

I love these moments, cooking food I love for the people I love. Doing it my way, which means never following a recipe and making it slightly different every time. A little more paprika here, some pepper there, some more cinnamon to this dish.

This is when my light is shining; when our home becomes a gathering place.

OUR HOME IS THE GATHERING PLACE

We have a sign above our sliding glass doors from the great room to the deck that says just that: “The Gathering Place.” And it is.

Even as I’m cooking, people are wandering in and out of the kitchen, sitting on the counter stools or out on the deck. Multiple conversations. Cutting boards scattered with various items being prepped.

Guests arrive with their contributions to the meal, as more platters, appetizers, and wine are opened and shared. Introductions are made for first timers. They soon join the waves of laughter. So much laughter. Such happiness.

BRINGING FAMILY TOGETHER IS MY MOM JOB

I learned through the years that this is something I must do. I guess it’s a matriarchal thing – or what the mama is supposed to do. Otherwise, it’s too easy for everyone to just go their own way. Our children all live a long drive or flight away from us.

I think it’s our job to make sure we are providing events and opportunities to get together. That means we drive or fly to see them whenever we can, and we fly them to our house or other locations to gather.

We are fortunate to have the means to do so, because I can’t imagine not having these gatherings. My heart would remain at half-empty if I didn’t fill it up with the love and laughter of our grown children and other family and friends.

I’m sure there are some eye rolls or chuckles from the children when they receive my texts and emails about the next time I want us all to get together. But they know better than to ignore them or not at least try to come. Plus, I know they enjoy these gatherings as much as we do.

Family, in whatever form it takes, is one of my absolute core values. My children, and the people around them, are my joy and addiction.

THANKFUL FOR MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS

This year joining us are two couples we’ve met in our new hometown of the past two years, Ocean Shores. These people are now part of our family, and important threads in the life we are weaving here.

And they fit in, quick to laugh, tell silly jokes, tease somebody, and enjoy good food and drink.

I miss our other two children, but one is doing a rotation on the east coast for medical school, and the other works in retail and cannot get away at all this time of year.

As if on cue, just as I have my hands up the Turkey’s ass, where I’m shoving stuffing,the phone rings. It’s our daughter. One of the girlfriends answers the phone for me and puts it on speaker phone.

“Hey sweetie, I’m stuffing the turkey, can I call you back in a little bit?” I say.

“She literally has her arm up the turkey’s orifice,” says the girlfriend.

Laughing over the phone, our daughter says, “yep, all good. Just wanted to wish you a happy early Thanksgiving. Wish I was there.”

As we all sit down with our food ready to enjoy the feast before us, I ask each person to state something they are thankful for. Yes, I am that person.  Typically, I see new people give a look of, “oh, god, not this” on their faces when I make this request. But as everyone shares each personal thanks, I also see the looks of, “yeah, wow, and that’s right” on faces.

We start with my father-in-law, who gives thanks to be here with everyone and enjoy this time together. By the end, as always, I have tears, as people share such gracious words of thanks.

I am so thankful for this group of people: my children, their friends, my friends, and our family, who, year after year, sit at this table to eat, drink, tell stories, laugh, and be present, together. Oh, and, of course, play Cards Against Humanity.

WE ALSO HAVE A PRE-CHRISTMAS TRADITION

In addition to our pre-Thanksgiving celebration ritual, we also have an annual family reunion in Las Vegas a few days before Christmas. This is my mother-in-law’s side of the family, as her eldest brother, and the elder of the family, lives in Vegas.

I used to fight this annual gathering, as I hate Las Vegas, and I could not reconcile the dichotomy of the Christmas spirit with the Vegas debauchery.

But then I realized around year three of this annual pilgrimage that it didn’t matter where this family reunion took place. Because it wasn’t really about Vegas; it was about being together as a family.

Granted, this is an Irish Kentucky family who loves to drink and gamble, making Vegas an ideal destination. But the people are the real reason we go to Vegas.

IT’S ABOUT THE PEOPLE NOT THE LOCATION

Now, I look forward to our yearly Vegas trip, and I embrace the somewhat white trash resort (as I call it) where we stay. Here, I have my favorite penny slots, our favorite bartender at TGI Friday’s who loves us, and my favorite velour Christmas dress I wear with red stockings and boots. Of course, we also have our collection of tacky Christmas sweaters to wear.

But what I really love is the gathering at Doc and Arlene’s house. This is where Arlene is the “mama” of the house, and she rules the kitchen as a queen rules her countryside: with grace, compassion, patience, and a lot of food. She knows everyone’s favorite dish. And she is everyone’s favorite Auntie.

This year our Vegas reunion will not be quite the same. As this year we will be without one of the elders, Uncle Don.

We knew this day would come. Every year, the elders joke it could be their last. They are all over 80 years old. But we all remained in denial.

I think I am still in denial, and it won’t hit me until that moment I go down to McDonalds in the lobby at 5 am for coffee and Uncle Don won’t be sitting there. Or when I’m alone at a slot machine in the corner of the casino having some alone time, and the only person who shows up is Don, because he, too, likes some quiet time.

HOW TO BE INTENTIONAL THIS HOLIDAY SEASON

What can you take away from this?

The biggest lesson for me is not being afraid to ask for what you want. To stick to my core values; one of which is family.

If you want your children to come visit, or you want to go see them, then just ask or tell them what you want.

There are so many people and families that have these passive aggressive ways of communicating, instead of just directly saying, “I want you to come to my house.”

It takes hard work and intention to maintain these connections. As we enter this holiday season, I encourage you to be intentional. To ask for what you want. To do what you want.

This life is short, as we hear so often. But it’s true.

Therefore, do what you need to be with those you love or to reconnect with those people who have somehow slid out of your life. Don’t be alone this holiday season. Seek out others. Ask for help. Ask for what you need.

I think you’ll be surprised how the universe responds.